You’re no doubt aware of websites like ChristianMingle.com that promise to successfully match up folks who share specific interests. Recently I saw an ad for a group I hadn’t realized needed help finding soulmates. It’s called FarmersOnly.com. They’re probably just cashing in on the fact that this season’s Bachelor (the ABC juggernaut) has a farmer from Iowa. Still, it suggests the potential for sites specific to retirees’ interests.
Let’s start with ones that bring together folks who share health issues that plague seniors. I hesitate to bring up gastric reflux, but older folks often experience this problem. If your ex-spouse found your digestive sound effects embarrassing, check out PardonMyBurp.com for your next relationship. For a slight extra fee, we’ll find someone whose reflux acts up after eating the same foods that plague you. We’re here to serve.
Arthritis sufferers will give a crooked thumbs up to StiffJoints.gov. Everyone here will be committed to one-floor living. Neither stair nor step will be found in their condos. There will even be a subgroup for those who swear by homeopathic remedies. My husband will be a special consultant to this site.
Having trouble with the fine print now that your arms have shrunk? Always misplacing your reading glasses? We have the perfect group for you. With a partner from MyGlassesOrYours.org there will be twice as many pairs around the house, so you’ll always have one handy when you need it. We are so there already in our household.
Next we have industry-based sites like the one that caters to those formerly in finance and banking. We’ll call it StillMakingMoneyTalk.com. We expect strong membership in the Carolinas. These guys will debate the virtues of a 40-year mortgage for someone who is collecting Social Security. The one we create for retirees from the garment business, SchmatteMates.com, will be advertised heavily in Florida. Our followers will spend their time bemoaning how Walmart is killing domestic production.
Another way to bring older folks together is by matching key areas of interest in their retirement. We’ll skip over the obvious cat lovers and dog adorers and go straight to DotingGramps.edu. Those who find their counterpart in this group will want to maintain separate finances. It’s one thing to share photos and bragging rights. But when it comes to the will, most folks won’t. (Share with someone else’s grandkids, that is.)
We can also make matches based on pet peeves. More specifically, we’ll screen out potential mates who engage in the behavior you find annoying. ShootTheSnorers.com members will be sure that they’ll sleep peacefully with a partner discovered on our carefully-screened site. Those who join OutiesOnly.com won’t find themselves picking lint out of their spouse’s belly button every Sunday morning. I cannot overstate the importance of these types of pairings.
Another set of criteria we’ll use is behaviors—those things we do more of when we have extra leisure time. I can’t explain why some of these become prominent in retirement; I just know they do. Take for example making lists. I’ve always been a list maker, but I’m a borderline addict now. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid I’ll forget things. Of course, the more lists I have, the more I’m more prone to losing them. If you’d love to be an item on someone else’s list, sign on to ListLoversItems.com.
My husband has inspired the creation of a group for those who have succumbed to mumbling in their retirement. I can’t explain this one either. At first I thought it was my hearing that was going on the fritz. Then I noticed that he frequently has to repeat himself when he’s on the phone, and not just with strangers. His store staff seems to be asking “Say what?” all the time, too. For those who feel a kindred calling, check out MumblesMeMmbl.com.
Finally we have those who’ve fallen hostage to the family room couch. This happens gradually. One day you realize you’ve been in front of the TV for hours. You’d read a book, but you’ve misplaced your last pair of 3.25 magnifiers. Your condo has a lovely three-season sun porch, and you buy a laptop so you can enjoy the 270-degree view while you work. And yet… You’re still on the couch and it’s getting indentations like the ones in Norman Bates’ mom’s bed. Look for us on MashedCouchPototoes.com.
I expect some of my partnering sites will be more popular than others. But if FarmersOnly.com turns out to be a moneymaker, for sure there are at least a few cash cows among my ideas. Moo.