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Sunday, March 26, 2017

It’s A Mad, Mad World


Perhaps everyone went mad some time ago. Maybe I’m just noticing it more with the Presidential election behind us. Whatever the explanation, I’ve no doubt that we now live in a mad, mad world.

This notion really hit me when I heard about women in a Boston-area retirement home knitting sweaters for chickens. They provide their distaff skills for fowl that can’t keep warm in New England. These are apparently tinier birds that shed their feathers in winter months or ones that come from tropical climates. The video that accompanied the piece was adorable, and a spokesperson said egg production has improved since the birds began wearing these jumpers. It still seems like a madcap endeavor to me.


Keeping with the subject of animals, but sadly in a cruel way, a group of poachers broke into the rhino enclosure in a wildlife preserve in a Paris suburb one night. They shot and killed a rare white rhino and sawed off one of his horns. Rhino horn, when powdered, is believed to have “medicinal properties” in some Asian countries. It’s maddening that animals aren’t safe even in zoos anymore. I wish someone would cut off the erect appendages of everyone in the supply-and-demand chain for this exotic powder.

Next we have a report of a $26,500 fine for a Calgary man who tied 100 helium balloons to a lawn chair almost two years ago. His lift off went up about two and a half miles, creating a danger for airplanes. No word on whether he was still in the chair at the time. Also no explanation of why it took this long to decide the fine, which can easily be calculated to be $265 per balloon. Crazy Canadians. At least he wasn’t playing “Around the World” on the saxophone while he soared. (That was for you, Lynn.)

In the realm of good news for those on fixed incomes, we have a quote from Charles M. Becker (not Decker) of Duke University, by way of Time magazine. “Trailer parks can be thought of as gated communities for people who aren’t so wealthy.” Yeah. And jails can be thought of as gated communities for criminals, while insane asylums are gated communities for those who have gone mad since the election. They have waiting lists.

Since I can’t avoid talking politics if the subject is a mad, mad world…
Deputy Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, one of the President’s spokespersons, answered Martha Raddatz’s question about the alleged Obama wiretaps with: “I will let the President speak for himself.” Newsflash: dictionary definition: “Spokesperson: a person who speaks for someone else.” It’s not: “Spokesperson: a person who let’s someone else speak for himself.” Maybe she meant to say: “I will let the President tweet for himself.” We can’t fault her for that.

Finally, still on politics, Rex Tillerson, Trump’s Secretary of State, is also quoted in Time, saying: “I didn’t want this job.” We’re not sure that Trump wanted his new job, either. But Steve Bannon and Mike Pence would sure love to have it. Eeny, meeny, miny, mo…

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Public Bathroom Safety Tips


President Trump rescinded Obama’s order allowing transgender students to use the bathroom that matches their gender identity. SCOTUS refused to hear a case challenging the repeal. This pretty much guarantees that the only males using a ladies room will be peeping Toms or worse. Years ago I had such an encounter with a peeper in a Manhattan office building, so I put together these safety tips for women who are seated in a stall when they realize they’re being watched.

1.     Slam your knees together. The slapping sound your thighs will make should frighten the peeper off. Even if not, this will limit his view severely.
2.     Be thankful you wore clean underwear with no holes. Your mother would be proud of you.
3.     Stay calm. Getting excited will only make you have to use the john that much longer. See items 4 and 5 for ways to calm yourself.
4.     Consider legitimate reasons the peeper may have for being there, such as:
·      He’s a freelance photographer working on a spread
·      He’s doing market research for a toilet paper company
·      He’s an industrial engineer trying to cost justify automatic toilet paper dispensers
·      He’s an investigator hired by the insurance company to test the building’s security
5.     Whistle, sing or hum a favorite tune, but avoid such provocative songs as:
·      For Your Eyes Only
·      Hey, Look Me Over
·      Jeepers, Creepers, Where’d You Get Those Peepers?
·      Sitting in La La, Waiting for My Ya Ya
6.     Mutter phrases of discouragement such as, “I hope my doctor was wrong about the herpes…” Or, “Gawd, I ruin more pantyhose on my rough knuckles now that I’m taking karate lessons!”
7.     Carry on a casual, one-way conversation with his feet in the next booth. If he responds, keep him talking. It will give you more time to get your pants up. When you’re ready to leave, say, “Well, it’s been nice chatting” even if he hasn’t answered. If he thinks you’re daft enough, he’ll lose interest.
8.     Do not take time to flush. It puts you in the vulnerable position of having your back to the door. Besides, half the time people don’t bother to flush anyway.
9.     Do take time to wash your hands. If you don’t, the peeper could paint you as a loose woman with vile habits. And your mother would die if she found out.
10. Use a different ladies room the next time you have to go.

Copyright 2017 Elaine M. Decker