BlogHer

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Sequester In Other Words


On the February 17th Face the Nation, Bob Schieffer suggested that we find another word for “sequester,” the mandatory cuts to the federal budget that are set to go into effect the first of March. He recalled that President Carter was once told he shouldn’t use the word “inflation,” to which he supposedly replied: “OK. I’ll just call it a banana.” (The banana has alternately been credited to Carter’s “inflation czar,” Alfred Kahn, as an alternative to “depression.”)

I took Schieffer up on his suggestion and I’ve been exploring some other terms for “sequester.” First I needed to determine what that word really means. Microsoft Word’s reference tool provided some interesting information, along with quite a few alternatives.

The dictionary options were enlightening. I immediately ruled out the first: put somebody into isolation. The second probably best describes the original intent of the sequester: take property to cover obligation. But the third was the eye opener: take enemy’s property.

“Aha!” said I. “I think I’m on to something here.” If this election taught us nothing else, it was that many Democrats and Republicans perceive one another as the enemy. It was no doubt with that in mind that the notion of the sequester came into being in the first place. This did not immediately send a replacement term hurtling into my cerebral cortex, but I filed the notion away for reference later in this process.

In political terms, most of the alternatives proposed by the thesaurus sound even worse than the word “sequester” itself. Take for instance “confiscate.” That’s pretty much what Congress will be doing with the money that’s automatically cut from all the federal budget items. “Impound” doesn’t sound much better. It conjures up cars abandoned on city streets and towed off to some fenced in, godforsaken lot that no proper cab driver would take you to.

The variations on “isolate” (a secondary meaning per the thesaurus) seemed more palatable at first. But scrolling down, I found “quarantine,” and that made me itch. I drilled down on “separate,” hoping for something useful. That turned up “ghettoize.” Not a word any politician would choose instead of “sequester,” and perhaps a tad too close to the truth.

It was clear that the thesaurus would be no help to me in this quest for a euphemism for “sequester.” I’d have to go rogue on this one. I can hear my loyal followers raising a cheer at this prospect, thinking: “Elaine going rogue is bound to be more entertaining than Elaine plowing through a thesaurus.”

I shifted my focus from left brain to right brain. No longer would I proceed in terms of words, but rather in terms of images. First I pictured the members of the various budget committees with brooms in hand, sweeping the outlying crumbs of department allocations into neat little piles. Piles that could either be picked up and disposed of, or set aside in a corner, just in case there came a reprieve and they could be spread around again later in the fiscal year. This led me to “Swiffer” as my first alternative.

Next I envisioned functionaries with green eyeshades and electric pencil sharpeners, poring over pages of expenses, ticking off the ones they felt were discretionary. This conjured up the image of Scrooge’s beleaguered clerk, which provided the option “cratchit,” or “cratchitize.” I’m not sure that’s an improvement over sequester, but at least it’s more colorful.

Back to the notion of taking the enemy’s property, I zeroed in on "spoils of war." I Googled this phrase and uncovered a website that gives English first names with that meaning. The very idea was so bizarre that I was compelled to visit babynames.merchat.com to learn what those names are. Turns out there are just four of them, and two of those are variations of the others. What caught my eye was "Edelina," which just happens to be an anagram of my first name and the first initial of my last name.

This discovery was beyond strange; it was a karmic sign. I became enamored with the idea of replacing “sequester” with an anagram of my own name. From now on, I shall use “edelina” whenever I refer to the sequester. I’ll sound positively erudite as I discuss political euphemisms and nuances of speech. I might even be invited to appear on Face the Nation.

In the meantime, I’m going to open a nice bottle of vino and savor my propitious discovery. Because sure as God made green apples, Congress will pass another continuing resolution, and the risk of an edelina will be put off another six months, removing it from talk show topics and my name from the shows' guest lists.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Retirees’ Potpourri Quiz — What the What?


This week I’m giving retirees a Potpourri Quiz to see how much you pay attention to the tidbits in the media. Actually, it’s mostly the tidbits I gleaned from recent issues of Time magazine. I guarantee that some of these will have you scratching your head and saying: “What the what?” Don’t scroll down to the answers until you’ve made your best attempt at all the questions.

1.     Allergy sufferers were warned to take along extra Claritin when visiting the MOMA this month because of which of the following:
a.     Renovations to the education center that unexpectedly stirred up tremendous amounts of plaster dust.
b.     A concept art exhibit featuring live, long-haired felines; white cats lounging on black velvet; black cats on white.
c.      An installation in the atrium that consists of nothing but pollen, collected in Germany over two decades.
2.     Tennis star Novak Djokovic is buying up all the available cheese made from the following for his new restaurant chain:
a.     Milk from yaks raised by Buddhist monks
b.     Donkey milk
c.      Serbian tofu
d.     Kashmiri goat testicles
3.     The window in a store in a luxury mall in Egypt displayed boxer shorts with the following message printed on them:
a.     Eighth Wonder of the Modern World
b.     I’m the Sheik of Araby (and this is not a tent pole)
c.      Don’t be the Queen of de Nile
d.     Nibble My Nuts
4.     TRUE or FALSE: When the Dalai Lama spoke recently at Brown University, urging students to share their peaceful thoughts or “forget it,” the stenographer heard it wrong and projected the F-bomb onto a giant overhead screen.
5.     TRUE or FALSE: One of the losing entries submitted in a contest for interesting structures to span the Seine was a trampoline bridge.
6.     Australia recently added the colors pink and deep purple to their weather maps. The new colors signify:
a.     Temperatures above 122 degrees F (50 degrees C)
b.     Severe drought warnings and potential fire hazards
c.      Areas where campers should be on heightened alert for attacks by dingoes (wild dogs)
d.     Counties where there are shortages of Foster’s beer.
7.     Which of the following are not strains of medical marijuana (now legalized in Washington and several other states)?
a.     Black Widow
b.     Blue Dream
c.      Golden Kush
d.     Cat Piss
e.     Maui Wowie
8.     Häagen-Dazs created a special ice cream cake shaped like which of the following, as a marketing stunt?
a.     Kim Kardashian’s butt, complete with dimples
b.     Sophia Vergara’s breasts, complete with nipples
c.      The moon, complete with craters
d.     Wrigley Field, complete with bases
9.     Pranksters recently hacked the Minnesota Public Radio alert system and broadcast a warning for which of the following?
a.     Outbreak of “mad cow” disease
b.     Severe flooding around Lake Wobegon
c.      Bomb threats at the Mall of America
d.     The zombie apocalypse
e.     Jesse Ventura is considering another run for governor
10. Which of the following were not offered to passengers aboard the Carnival cruise ship Triumph that was stranded at sea for days without AC, water or functioning toilets?
a.     Full refund for the cost of the cruise
b.     Complimentary photo album of their cruise experience
c.      Plastic bags for disposal of their number two waste
d.     A credit toward a future Carnival cruise
e.     $500 stack of Carnival casino chips


The answers (I swear, I swear):

1. c                  2. b                  3. d                  
4. True            5. True           6. a
7. All are strains of medical marijuana      
 8. c                  9. d                  10. b and e

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Retirement Snow Day

Taking a pass on posting today.
We have at least 18 inches of snow here in Providence.
At least we still have electricity.

The person who usually shovels for us is still snowed in. His street hasn't been plowed yet.
I spent about two hours shoveling (in two shifts) and only cleared a path from our back door to the garage and from our front door to the street.
The driveway has drifts of at least three feet, so we're housebound.

I'm way too exhausted to write coherently, and the planned post was only half done before I went out to shovel.
I guess I'm entitled to collapse.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Save the Penny


Be still my heart. There’s a proposal afoot to get rid of the penny. Speaking of a foot, the first thought that came to my mind when I heard this was: “Where would that leave penny loafers?” I suppose they’d have to become dime loafers; a nickel wouldn’t fit in the slot. Besides, at least one economist is advocating that the government also stop minting the nickel.

“Why?” (You may be wondering.) Simple economics. It now costs about two cents to make a penny (which contains mostly zinc today, not copper). The nickel costs ten cents to produce, so it’s hardly a cost-effective substitute for the penny. That’s why some folks feel it makes sense to kill two coins at the same time. And since we’re talking twos, two days after I post this, Canada will discontinue its penny. The U.S. will be watching what happens up north very closely. Then we’ll probably ignore it.

The plans to jettison the penny generally propose rounding sales up or down to the nearest nickel. People are calling it a ‘rounding tax,’ since so many prices end in 99 cents. If we also drop the nickel, we’ll need to round up or down to the nearest dime. If the potential financial costs to consumers aren’t enough disincentive for these proposals, here are some emotional ones to consider if we remove ‘penny’ from our collective conscience.

Getting rid of the penny would be the death knell for the penny ante. Not to get too maudlin here, but I still have the tin full of pennies that my late mother used when she played poker with her lady friends. The last member of her card group died last year at age 103.

The title (and lyrics) of the Beatles’ song Penny Lane would have to be changed. Somehow Two-Bit Alley just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

The expression: “I’m like a bad penny; I keep turning up” would lose its meaning. There would be no good pennies, and pennies in general would no longer keep turning up. I’m not sure how we’d replace this, but: “I’m like a discontinued penny; I keep rounding up” comes to mind.

Then there’s the adage: “A penny saved is a penny earned.” Not true. A penny saved would be a penny wasted. You’d need to turn them in at a bank to get anything for them, and eventually even Uncle Sam wouldn’t want them.

How about the question: “A penny for your thoughts?” Would that become “A silver dollar for your thoughts?” It’s bad enough the Tooth Fairy has suffered severe inflation over our lifetimes, but the Thought Inquirer? I shudder to think about it.

Continuing with thoughts and inflation, consider: “For what it’s worth, that’s my two cents.” Turns out your two cents has actually been worth four cents, but what would it be worth now? A quarter? Or would you be dropping a dime?

Let’s not forget “penny-wise and pound-foolish.” Seems like a penny hasn’t been wise for quite some time now, so perhaps we could just go with “pound-wise and penny-foolish.” Of course, we’re not Brits, so I guess we’d have to say “dollar-wise and penny-foolish.”

How about your Penny Valentine? If you sent her roses on February 14, would she become your Dime A Dozen Valentine? Whatever you called her and whatever you sent her, what used to cost a pretty penny would now cost an arm and a leg.

Most other ‘penny’ expressions have survived out of nostalgia, so we could keep them. Penny postcards are long gone; eventually, postcards in general will be, too. Do you know what a two-cents plain is (or was)? Think soda fountains and the depression. Penny stocks have always been a euphemism and the penny arcade morphed into the video arcade over thirty years ago. One exception is Pennysaver newspapers; I’d like to see those be pro-active on this issue and become Save-the-Penny papers.

My favorite of all these expressions is one that I hadn’t heard until I was getting fodder for this post. “I felt like a penny waiting for change.” It means you felt helpless or worthless. If the penny and the nickel were taken out of circulation, this phrase would become: “I felt like a dime waiting for change.” I think we should keep “penny” for this one and make it more existential: “I felt like a penny waiting for Godot.” Or perhaps just: “I felt like a penny waiting.” And waiting. And waiting. And nobody came.

Sniff. It’s just too sad to contemplate. Sorry. I need to go get a tissue.