The Enduring Appeal of Stuffies

The usual style of my columns is snarky sarcasm or social satire. This month’s essay is more whimsical. As with many of my others, it was inspired by items in the news and then acquired a life of its own.

 

Many local libraries are hosting fun events for children in their communities: sleepovers for their cherished stuffed animals. The child brings the stuffy to the library and leaves it overnight. The library takes pictures of all the toys together and when they’re picked up by their owners the next day, they go home with a photo documenting their adventure. No word on whether they have to arrive with pajamas.

 

Most of us assume that sleeping with a favorite teddy bear must end once we become “grown ups.” It turns out science has a different opinion about this. Recent studies suggest that adults would actually benefit by cuddling with a stuffed toy in bed at night. Apparently, this helps you relax. I’d try it, but I already have two cats that sleep with me. I doubt they’d move out of the way to make room for a stuffed animal. My husband has learned to give way to the cats. I think he’d draw the line at a stuffy.

 

This reminds me that I never had a teddy bear as a child. Now I have a collection, and one of my cats steals them when she “hunts” at night. I had a few dolls, just no bears. I also had two large stuffed donkeys when I was in high school. I have no recollection of how they came into my possession. I do remember taking pictures of them to put in the school newspaper to promote a special event. Our faculty played our seniors in donkey basketball. You read that correctly: donkey basketball. I don’t remember who won.

 

Some grade schools have students send stuffed mascots to family and friends, asking them to document the mascot’s travels. The goal is to have it go around the world. My brother Rick’s daughter Jennifer sent me the owl Pueo from her Punahou School in Hawaii. I took pictures of it in front of the Rhode Island State House. My husband had one of his relatives bring it on a visit home to India. I’m quite sure that owl traveled farther than most stuffies. Recently a teddy bear was left on a plane. The pilot took him into the cockpit until his owner was located. I doubt that bear made it beyond Europe.

 

A favorite childhood stuffed toy that I do remember was Zippy the Chimp. He was a live chimpanzee on the Howdy Doody Show in the 1950’s. He even appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show several times. I received him from Santa Claus and I loved him. Zippy eventually found his way to live with my nephew Barry in Vermont. Barry had visited my parents’ home in New Jersey and refused to part with the chimp when it was time to go home. I was in college by that then and was happy to have Zippy start a new life. It turned out to be quite an eventful one in Vermont.

 

Barry dragged Zippy everywhere, to the point where his clothes were in tatters. I remember my sister Barbara telling me that she finally took Zippy to a local department store to buy him new overalls in the toddlers department. She received some strange looks from other shoppers as she held each pair up to the worn out stuffed chimp to see if they would fit him. They were all too long; Zippy had stubby legs. But she just rolled the pants up a few times and pronounced the shopping trip a success. Barry was thrilled, because they were bright red, just like his original pants.

 

Barbara might have been tasked with Zippy’s clothing replacement, but her husband Bob was required to handle his medical work. Bob was an ophthalmologist who often performed eye surgery. Poor Zippy was dragged around so much that one of his plastic hands eventually started to separate from his fabric arm. One day Barry brought him to his father to have surgery to repair him. Bob originally planned to use regular sewing thread but Barry would have none of that. Zippy’s surgery had to be done with medical grade suture thread. And so it was. The things we do for love!

 

Indeed, love is what best explains the enduring appeal of stuffies. I hope this essay has stirred up some memories of your own favorite stuffed toys!

 

Copyright 2024 Business Theatre Unlimited

Euphemisms and Idioms

A recent TV program on political scandals reminded me of a euphemism that was popular during one of those scandals. Former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford had gone to Argentina to spend time with his mistress. Their relationship had been a secret up until then. He told his staff that he would be hiking the Appalachian Trail. When his affair came to light, the phrase: “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” became a euphemism for having an extramarital affair.

I love that expression! It’s a civil way to say something critical. It set me to wondering what other clever euphemisms and idioms I had forgotten about or never known. (Idioms also aren’t direct, but they’re not always nice.) A few are political, but not all. We have Southern culture to thank for many of these colorful colloquialisms, a lot of which feature farm animals.

Here are some of my favorites. This one was used recently by a member of Congress to criticize a budget proposal. He said it was a “Pig’s Breakfast.” That was new to me. I looked it up. It’s a Southernism for an unappealing mixture, a mess.

A crossword puzzle answer that was also new to me was “Goat Rodeo.” It describes something that has gone totally wrong, an ultimate SNAFU. I immediately pictured said rodeo and it was easy to imagine it going totally wrong, no mater how cute the little goatees were. I’m waiting to hear a member of Congress describe a session of that august body as a goat rodeo. There will likely be many opportunities. “That dog won’t hunt” was also in a recent puzzle, meaning that an idea or approach is destined to fail. If that phrase hasn’t been used yet in Congress, you can bet it will be eventually.

Another of my favorites is “The Full Monty.” It first came across my radar via a movie of that title. The expression originated as the shortened version of the “Full Montgomery,” the big English breakfast favored by British General Bernard Montgomery. By the time of the movie in 1997, it had come to be a euphemism for “total nudity.” Today it’s used broadly to mean the most that you can have or achieve, or more simply: the works.

We can thank Texas for a refined way to say someone brags shamelessly about his non-existent wealth or assets. “He’s all hat and no cattle” is a phrase you’ve probably heard. Credit to the late Roger Moore in a Hallmark movie for the female equivalent: “All fur coat and no knickers.”

Staying with farm animals and Southernisms, I like the polite way to let a man know his fly is down. “The barn door’s open and the mule’s trying to run.” It was new to me, and I’ll be on the lookout for an opportunity to use it. Also likely from the South, here’s a colorful way to say someone is cheap. “He’ll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams” is much more evocative than calling someone a “penny-pincher.”

Instead of saying someone looks tired, say he looks like he has “one wheel down and the axle dragging.” It’s very likely Southern, but I can’t say for certain. Ditto for using “the green apple two-step” as a euphemism for diarrhea. The last in this trio sounds very Southern to me, as a way to say there’s a problem. “A yellow jacket in the outhouse” is certainly something a person doing the green apple two-step would rather not hear!

 There are dozens of idioms for saying someone is not very smart. You’ve probably heard most of them; I had, but new to me was: “She’s one bubble off plumb.” Not new to me, the following: “One brick short of a load.” “Not playing with a full deck.” “Two tacos short of a combination platter.” “Doesn’t have both oars in the water.” “The elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.” “The lights are on but nobody’s home.” In the South, it’s “The porch lights are on…” There are many more ways to say someone isn’t smart, but this list should more than meet your needs.

Euphemisms and idioms are all around us. As soon as I put this essay to bed, I’m sure I’ll come across several more I would have wanted to include. Start your own collection!

Copyright 2024 Business Theatre Unlimited

Pedicure Guidelines for Seniors

 As we get older, it becomes more and more difficult to do our own pedicures. I’ve put together some guidelines especially for seniors. I’m also including some information to help you allocate time for the job.

 

The first thing you’ll want to do is to collect all the tools you’ll need for your pedicure. You don’t want to have to stop part way into the process to search for something essential. If you’re a senior, here’s what you should gather up.

·      3.5 or 4.0 magnifier reading glasses

·      Nail clipper for arthritic hands

·      Nail file or emery board

·      Cotton balls

·      Peroxide or antibiotic salve

·      Extra-wide foot rasp or number 60 or 80-grit sand paper

·      Miracle skin softener lotion

Once you have all of these items collected, you’re ready to attack your feet.

 

The Basic Procedure

 

Getting started on your pedicure is one of the most difficult parts of the process for a senior. You’ll probably want to sit down for this. Stretching to reach your feet may well be the most time-consuming step in the job. Once you can reach them, take inventory of your toes to be sure you can locate all ten.

 

If you happen to be one of the folks who have a hammer toe, be sure to include that odd little sucker in your count. I dated someone with a hammer toe in college, and it was strange to look at. His was the pinky toe and it rested on top of the piggy who didn’t have any roast beef. Stranger still, he wound up marrying a woman who also had a hammer toe. Perhaps even stranger, I know this because I was one of her bridesmaids. You’ll probably need to allow extra time to trim and file a hammer toenail.

 

Once you’re sure that you’ve located ten toes, you can begin clipping your nails. The special clippers for arthritic hands are a blessing and worth the investment. Focus on the center of each toenail. Don’t clip too close to the sides or you could wind up with ingrown nails down the line. Use the nail file or emery board to finish off the sides of the nail and smooth any rough edges. I usually start with my big toe and work my way down to the pinky toe. You can do the reverse if you prefer. It doesn’t really matter, as long as you proceed in sequence.

 

Once you’ve finished the basics, it’s time to get back up. Don’t forget that you have two feet to trim, so check them both before you consider the job done! If you’re reasonably fit, it should take less time to get up than it did to stretch to reach your toes. Now it’s time for your post-pedicure clean up and polishing.

 

How Long Each Step Will Take

·      Stretching to reach your toes                     40%

·      Taking inventory of your toes                    10%

·      Clipping your nails                                        20%

·      Filing the rough edges that remain          14%

·      Getting back up when you’re done           16%

 

Post-Pedicure Clean up and Polishing

 

If you have any bleeding from your efforts, treat the toe with the peroxide on a cotton ball or dab some antibiotic salve on it. When you’ve completed your basic pedicure and any post-pedicure treatment, you should really buff your heels with the foot rasp or sand paper that you have in your tools. Then cream your feet. 

 

 

 

Your feet should now look so beautiful that you’ll want to go out and buy some new sandals. But please don’t take pictures of your feet to post on Facebook or Instagram, especially if you’re planning to do before-and-after shots. Some of you might want to polish your toenails. I never do that. My hands are no longer agile enough for that. I’m also clueless as to what colors are trendy. I’m just happy to have the job in my rearview. If you want to polish yours go for it! You’ve earned it.

 

Copyright 2024 Business Theatre Unlimited

Banned Words and Phrases for 2024

 

For 2024 my list of banned words and phrases once again includes some from my readers and from other sources. As previously, some of my choices come from Lake Superior State University. This year Frank Bruni has also provided contributions. Not surprisingly, some are “gifts” from Joe Biden or politics in general. One is a word I banned in 2021 but folks persist in using it, so I’m banning it again. Hope springs eternal. (Maybe I’ll ban that phrase next year…) Here are my ten entries for 2024.

 

Let’s begin with my repeat word: “woke”. It appeared on many lists for 2021. Unfortunately, there was little agreement on what it means. Some said it meant you paid attention to social and racial justice issues, but the meanings of those depended on your politics. As a result the word was hijacked by extremes on both the right and the left. I’m continuing to advocate for banning it altogether.

 

The COVID pandemic was the source of a phrase that I find useless: “quiet quitting.” Many people chose to work from home to stay safe. Once the danger was over, they didn’t put in the same effort at the office as they had before they discovered how much they preferred working at home. Managers describe this reduced work ethic as “quiet quitting.” I say, get rid of the phrase by removing the employees if they’re not carrying their fair share of the workload.

 

Next we have one of Joe Biden’s favorites. I’ve included several of these in previous lists. This one was provided by a reader. “Look” is what Biden often uses when what he really means is “listen.” Or maybe even stop and listen.

 

Another reader suggestion is “impact” or “impactful.” Since this is not a word of my choosing I’ll just assume that its inclusion will have an impact on some of you.

 

Keeping in the political lane, I’m tired of hearing “time is of the essence.” Time is always of the essence when it comes to happenings in DC but essence of what? This was particularly true in 2023 when it came to negotiating the roadblock over the federal budget to prevent a government shutdown. It took Republicans 15 ballots to elect their new speaker. Time wasn’t part of their essence and we’ll deep six that phrase.

 

On a more positive note, I’m retiring “inflection point” because I want to preserve it for the singular use of describing President Biden’s Inflection Point Address on October 19, 2023. It’s been called the most significant of his presidency. An inflection point is a moment when leaders can have a significant influence on shaping the future for decades. Biden skillfully connected Russia’s criminal war in Ukraine with Hamas’s terrorist attack on Israel to buttress support for the US position on these conflicts.

 

I’ve never been quite sure what qualifies something to be an “unforced error”. I sort of get it when I listen to tennis play-by-plays. But lately it’s been showing up in critiques of political activity and candidate’s speeches. I really don’t understand what makes something a forced error, so I’m certainly not in a position to label one unforced. It makes sense to just ban it.

 

My next two selections are motivated by activities that I’d like to banish along with the words. Political activists are practicing “groupthink” in the extreme. Their attitude is to ban any independent thinking or creativity among their adherents. This tends to shut out new arrivals and ethnic minorities. In their quest for consensus, group thinkers practice “it’s my way or the highway.” Escape them via the nearest highway off-ramp.

 

A by-product of groupthink is “cancel culture”. If proponents of groupthink don’t like the behavior or attitudes of celebrities or other public figures, they encourage their own followers to withdraw all support for those figures. The worst part of this is that what’s considered “socially acceptable” is what the group thinkers decide it is. As a result, some creative culture gets cancelled before it’s had its day in the sun.

 

The efforts to redevelop the land on Maui and parts of California after the devastating wildfires have led me to ban another activity along with a word. We should find ways to help those whose homes were destroyed to be able to rebuild them. Instead wealthy investors are gobbling up the land and gentrifying previously affordable neighborhoods. Fie on “gentrify!” And fie on the other nine entries on this year’s list!

 

Copyright 2024 Business Theatre Unlimited