How Trump Can Show He Doesn’t Hate Jews

President Trump has recently come under increasing criticism for not speaking out more forcefully against anti-Semitism in the U.S. When asked about this at a recent news conference, he referred to his daughter. Anyone who has ever heard the phrase “happens to be Black” or “happens to be gay” knows that what Trump originally intended to say was that Ivanka “happens to be Jewish.” Instead, as he often does, he changed horses midstream and said she “happens to be here.”

If it’s that difficult for #45 to even use the word “Jewish,” how can he expect us to believe he’s not anti-Semitic? It’s reached the point where speaking out will not be enough. The Times of Israel quoted prominent community members in its article: “Jewish groups seek action from Trump to match his words on anti-Semitism.” Fortunately for the President, we’ve put together five things he can do to show that he doesn’t hate Jews. To make these easier to follow, we’ve adapted them to be less rigorous than their traditional application.

1. Wear a yarmulke and a prayer shawl to all of his meetings, press conferences and rallies. He can use gold-plated bobby pins to affix his yarmulke over his thinning pate. Wearing this cap actually has an added benefit for him. It will keep his comb-over from flapping up in the wind and revealing his fake tan line.

2. Wear Teva sandals whenever he’s in Florida. This includes when he’s at Mar-a-Lago. Tevas are the go-to footwear for everyone who celebrates his or her Jewish identity. Socks are optional.

3. Don’t shake or touch any woman’s hand other than his wife’s. We’re still awaiting an opinion on whether he can touch his ex-wives’ hands, but we assume he’s not in any hurry to do that in any case. We’re also not sure if he can still grab pussies, but we’ll probably allow this since there will be a clothing barrier.

4. Stop working at sundown on Fridays and until sunset on Saturdays. On the surface, this might not seem like it will be too difficult for Mr. Trump. However, that translates to no airplane travel, no golfing and no use of any devices that have become such a staple in our everyday lives. That means absolutely NO Twitter during those 24 hours. This will be the ultimate test of how badly he wants to show that he’s not anti-Semitic. Actually, not quite ultimate. More like penultimate.

Because finally:

5. If he isn’t already—get circumcised. Either way, we’ll need proof of this from an unbiased third party. Think of it as “distrust and verify.” If he plans to have someone named Kelly authenticate this, it can’t be Kellyanne Conway. Megyn Kelly, on the other hand, will be acceptable.

And speaking of hands, this fifth item might expose the truth that The Donald really does have small hands. He would no doubt find that to be the unkindest cut of all.

Post-Election Mental Disorders

Health professionals are citing an increase in mental disorders since the presidential election. One of the most prevalent is Post-Election Stress Disorder (PESD), which apparently affects women more than it bothers men. I can vouch for that. PESD is just one of several mental health issues I’ve been afflicted with since the election.

In the February 17 New York Times, Richard Friedman cautioned against diagnosing someone we haven’t met (say perhaps #45). To be able to diagnose a mental problem—Narcissistic Personality Disorder for example—a mental health expert has to actually spend time with the patient. Friedman did, however, give everyone a pass on discussing someone’s narcissistic character traits. But this isn’t about the President’s traits; I’m chronicling the mental problems he’s causing others.

I’ve spent plenty of time with myself since the election, so I’m qualified to self-diagnose. I’m not sure whether my ailments will make an appearance in the next edition of The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the DSM). But this I can tell you: they’re big league mental issues and I’m not the only person suffering from them. Take for example TITMO.

Trump In The Media Overload has forced me to stop watching most news stations. I make an exception for the BBC’s World News and Newshour on PBS, but sometimes I have to turn off even those revered stations. I don’t care if the story has anything to do with politics or not. I don’t even care which Trump it’s about. I’m just weary of hearing that name, no matter how it’s used. I’m grateful I never managed to master bridge.

TITMO isn’t my only post-election condition worthy of appearing in the DSM. SSIPPI should also be added. That’s not a new abbreviation for the state that kisses the Gulf of Mexico between Louisiana and Alabama. It stands for Social Security Insecurity—Psychotic Phobia Insomnia. Like many others, I’m kept awake at night worrying about potential reductions in Social Security and Medicare, two staples of any retiree’s existence.

Then there’s FFATAS, or Fake Facts and Alternative Truths Avoidance Syndrome. This is one of the main reasons I don’t listen to the political commentators’ shows any more. Be careful not to confuse FFATAS with FATASS. The latter are Foppish Asinine Trumpisms Aired by Sean Spicer. FATASS is not a disorder, but it often causes one. FFATAS, on the other hand, is frequently induced by Kellyanne Conway.

Speaking of whom, we should also mention KCDC-ACDC. That’s Kellyanne Conway’s Defunct Credibility—Always Citing Donald’s Comebacks. This is her own personal issue, so it won’t be eligible for inclusion in the DSM. One of the few bright spots of the post election chaos is that several media outlets have now banned Kellyanne from their interview lists.

A disorder many will recognize is SWOVAR, the Shock When Opposing Views Are Revealed. This condition occurs when we find out that the political positions of certain friends and family members are the opposite of our own. People we’ve known and interacted with forever are suddenly exposed as “other.” Our reactions include: How could I not have known? And: You’ve got to be kidding me!

An especially worrisome condition caused by the divisiveness that has resulted from the election is TASS. This is not the Russian news agency. It’s the Two Americas Solution Syndrome. Folks suffering from TASS have concluded that the best way to restore mental equilibrium is to split up the U.S. into two separate countries. Here’s how it would work.

Any state that touches the Atlantic or Pacific Oceans would become part of Blue America. Most states that don’t touch an ocean would become Red America. Of course, it would make more sense to call that White America, given the anti-immigrant and White Supremacist leanings of most of them. States that border the Great Lakes could hold a referendum on which America to join. North and South Carolina, Georgia, Colorado and New Mexico would just have to muddle through.

Many readers will reject this extreme solution, pointing to the Civil War to prove how dangerous it is. Others will cite the massive migration of families after the partition of India and Pakistan to show the disruptions TASS would cause. (Many of the golfing enthusiasts in my Connecticut condo community would likely head to Arizona.) TASS may have its critics, but I’m transported to a zone of serenity just imagining it.

Life Skills for Dummies

A local newspaper recently carried an insert titled “Life Skills—How To Do Almost Anything.” I had purchased Pogue’s Basics: Life—Essential Tips and Shortcuts for my husband a year ago. I saved the local newspaper insert, hoping that it would be a sort of Readers Digest edition of Pogue’s Basics. After all, the paper promised “set-by-step tips and illustrations.”

One chilly afternoon, I sat down with “Life Skills,” a freshly brewed a cup of tea and a hearty does of eager anticipation. The insert had a contents page that neatly organized the tips into five categories: Basics, At the Office, Play, Technical and Social. I jumped right into the ‘Basics’ section and compared entries to the Pogue’s index. The insert included such life skills as “Sew a Button” and “Iron a Shirt.” Pogue’s missed them. Since I’ve already mastered those skills, I turned to those pages purely out of curiosity.

I started with “Iron A Shirt.” My mother taught me this before I left for college, since I’d be doing my own laundry and white men’s-style shirts were popular my Freshman year. As I began reading this, I wondered if this was taught in the Home Economics class in my regional high school. “Clear the ironing board of any debris. If it’s really dusty, throw the cover in the wash.” To match the iron setting to your shirt, “look for the itty-bitty words on the dial and on the back of your shirt tag.” Definitely a “Life Skill.”

What stopped me in my tracks, however, was the sequence of the ironing process. I always start with the collar, then the yoke (inside and outside parts), then the back and sides, finishing with sleeves and cuffs. Life Skills started with collar and cuffs, then sleeves and yoke, finishing with “trunk, back and front.” Except that when you read the instructions, they don’t mention the back of the shirt at all.

Was my mother wrong all those years ago in her careful tutelage of my ironing skills? There was one way to find out: Google it. After all, whatever you find on the Internet is the truth. Or at least it’s an alternative fact. Be still my heart. None of them seem to end with the sleeves. They alternate between starting with collar vs. sleeves, but never end there. All these years I’ve been doing it wrong. What would my mother think?

On to “Sew A Button.” Illustrations included a drawing of scissors with the label “scissors” and an arrow pointing to the drawing. So helpful. Ditto for “sewing needle,” and “doubled thread and knot.” There were sketches showing the difference between a flat button and a shank one, but who needs names to figure out where to insert the needle? I especially loved the sketch of the fabric with two buttons and an arrow labeled “missing button” pointing halfway between. If you didn’t know where the button belonged before reading this, good luck replacing it.

Now I’m a wondering if the Life Skills in the other sections are as pedestrian. Let’s see. In the At Your Office section we have: Clean Your Desk. Step 1. Pile it up. All of it. Step 2. Clean Thoroughly. (You cannot make this stuff up.)

In the Play section there’s: Bowl Without Hurting Anyone. Seriously? Notice it is not titled Bowl Without Hurting Yourself.  That would have made sense to me. I skim the page. It has detailed instructions on proper technique, but nowhere does it caution what not to do. Nor does it explain the injuries that might occur if you do it wrong. I could have helped with that. Bruised toes from dropped ball. Thumb sprain because it never came out of the ball. Sore bum from losing my balance and landing backwards.

The Social (and last) section ends with what to do when “Someone’s Fly Is Down.” I could have used this for my high school Physics class. The instructor had lunch before he came to us and frequently missed the zip. The Life Skills steps include surveying the scene (to tell or not), who should do the telling (including gender guidelines) and breaking the news. Nowhere does it include my favorite way to inform a guy that he has this problem. “You might want to close the barn door before the horse gets out.”

It seems I made a good choice in gifting Pogue’s Basics: Life to my husband. Not only does it spare us the mundane, it includes some truly essential items that Life Skills missed. In particular, I’ve marked page 136, “Getting Your Cat Back.” Now that’s an essential tip if there ever was one.