Retirement Tips — Cybercycle and Pee for Brain Health

A study published in the American Journal of Preventative Medicine revealed that cycling in a virtual reality improves cognitive function. ‘Cybercycling’ involves a stationery bike with an attached videogame-type screen. The rider must navigate virtual turns and avoid digital obstacles. A related (or not) study found that waiting too long to pee can addle your brain.

The Healthy Aging and Neuropsychology Lab and Department of Psychology at Union College evaluated over 100 riders, aged 58 to 99. I’m impressed that someone 99 can ride a bike at all, much less cybercycle. The control group rode regular stationery bikes with no cyber activity.

The people on the cyberbikes had ‘significantly better executive function…’ i.e. ‘planning, working memory, attention, and problem solving.’ They also had 23% less progression to Mild Cognitive Impairment (MCI). The only difference between the two groups was the cyber aspect; frequency, intensity, duration—all were the same. The conclusion: requiring riders to interact with a cyber environment—to pay attention and make decisions as they ride—helps keep their gray matter healthy.

An inverse study conducted by a professor of neurology at Brown University found that pain contributes to MCI. For their work on withholding urination, Peter Snyder and his team won a 2012 MSNBC Weird Science award and kudos from those who gave out the 2011 Ig Nobel Prizes.

Subjects drank lots of water but waited to pee until their eyeballs were popping out. Their cognitive abilities were measured throughout via simple computer tasks. The research showed that ‘the painful need to urinate’ impairs driving just as much as 24 hours of sleep deprivation or intoxication just shy of the legal limit. The study gives new meaning to the ditty: ‘Here’s to good old Brown, drink it down, drink it down.’

We can conclude that you’d be wise to make an executive decision to visit the loo before climbing onto your cybercycle. Otherwise the pain from your bursting bladder will undo all the good work your interactive exercise would have accomplished.

Getting back to that cybercycle… I’ve devised a group of cyber activities that you can use with your stationery bike to improve your executive function and prevent MCI. I’m here to serve.

Cyber Vacuuming

This cybercycle app simulates the process of vacuuming your home; it’s highly realistic. As you cycle, you must steer your way around your spouse, who is napping in a recliner with a separate footrest. Ding that footrest and you lose 50 points, but if your spouse fails to wake up during your ride, you earn bonus credit. If you suction the cat’s tail into the vacuum, you lose 100 points. Likewise for the fringe on the oriental rugs. This app is available with several choices of vacuums. The Dyson comes with automatic upgrades.

The Stairmaster

Achieve the benefits of a traditional Stairmaster with this cyber version. Navigate up and down flights of stairs, being careful to avoid such obstacles as misplaced footwear, the dog and the cat. Trip over a shoe or step on any tails or paws and lose 50 points (per appendage). Make the trip with a fully loaded laundry basket for 100 bonus points. Opt for stairs without a handrail and earn an additional 50. This app comes with a time trial option. When you’ve mastered the basics, compete against your own best performance.

Cyber Shopping

Do your grocery shopping on the cybercycle! Key in your store to update sale prices in the software. Cycle through the aisles, pick up items on your list and put them into your cyber basket. Be careful not to bump into the woman in the handicapped cart or knock over the floor stand full of cookies or you’ll lose your cyber discount. Earn bonus points for lifting heavy items on the bottom shelf or reaching ones at the back of the top shelf. Score over 500 points, and your order will be waiting at the real store to take home.

Rush Hour Challenge

This cybercycle app features an Interstate at rush hour. The program puts you in a virtual traffic jam on a familiar highway. Watch out for the teen texting in the lane to your right. She’s about to drift into your car, but you’re the one who will lose points. The road warrior in front of you is going to stop short because he just spilled coffee on his laptop. Not challenging enough? Your spouse forgot to fill the tank and you’ll run out of gas in five minutes. Best to work your way over to the slow lane.

These are just a few of the challenging cybercycle applications that will help you preserve your brain power while you get your requisite dose of daily exercise. All you have to remember now is: pee first.

Retirement Issues—Bad Luck Chain Emails

This post is about one of my pet peeves: those emails that claim you must forward them to 7 friends (or 6 or 10—never 2 or 3) within 5 minutes (or 6 or 10—or sometimes 2 or 3) or else you will have bad luck for the next 7 years (or… you get the idea.) I’m sure you’ve all received these. They’re similar to the almost-as-annoying ones promising good luck if you follow the instructions.

Retirement seems to have afforded some of my former colleagues the time to dabble more in predictions, threats and dire consequences. They must think it also affords me the time to respond to these, but I trash them within 5 seconds (or 6 or 10). News flash to my email world: I’m not that superstitious. I also don’t hate my friends enough to pass on the negative karma. And not the bogusly positive karma, either.

Careful readers will have noticed the word “that” inserted before “superstitious” in the paragraph above. This means that though I don’t believe anything will happen to me for deleting these messages, I still have anxiety pangs as I do it. Thank you so much for the mental anguish, so-called friends who send them to me.

The one I received today was about horoscopes. My “friend’s” subject line was: “Frightening how accurate for most.” More frightening was that she failed to see how many contradictions were embedded within these scopes, guaranteeing at least a whiff of accuracy. Her brief note read: “Can’t hurt – try it!” (Pascal’s wager anyone?)

The instructions in the message included: “Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs. Read your sign and then forward it on, with your zodiac sign on the subject line.” Since my friend’s sign was not in her subject line, she must have been so worried about getting the message forwarded on time that she didn’t even read it.

The instructions continued: “This is the real deal; try ignoring or changing it and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day, starting tomorrow morning — and it only gets worse from there.”
I inferred from this that I had only until the next morning to forward or be damned. That was Monday. You’re reading this the following Saturday (or later), so I’ve probably had a terrible week.

What we really need here is a message that goes back to the person who sent us the email. As a service to my fellow retirees who have better things to do than annoy their buddies but would like to cover their bases, just in case, here it is.

Dear friend, who is in imminent danger of becoming a former friend:

Please recall the recent message you sent me wherein you put the chain email monkey onto my back to save your own skin. I will not be a party to passive-aggressive harassment, thinly-veiled self-promotion or otherwise non-constructive clogging of the Internet pipe. If you do not retract this message immediately, here’s what will happen.

·       Every appliance in your kitchen will malfunction, starting with the InSinkErator, but only after you have filled it with onion skins and shrimp tails. This will begin a cascade of problems. The day after the repairman (who bills by the visit) has fixed the first item, the second one will go down, and so on. Best not to plan any dinner parties for a few months. You might also want to put your favorite take-out on speed dial.

·       Your alarm clock will wake you at 5 am when you want to sleep in and will fail to go off when you have to catch that early morning, discounted, non-changeable flight to Barbados. The one that was taking you to the fixed-date condo-swap.

·       Whatever teeth you have left will begin to fall out of your mouth one week after having them professionally cleaned. That could be 6 months or a year from now. Two words: Delta Dental.

·       You will misplace all of your credit cards, except the one with the $300 limit and the one with the 24 percent interest rate. When you try to replace the missing ones, you’ll learn that your identity has been stolen by the nephew of a woman from Nigeria who offered to cut you in on a scheme to make thousands of dollars, but you deleted her message.

·       Your email address will be mysteriously added to a network of porn sites. Not to worry. Your credit card with the 24 percent rate will get billed only if you accidentally click thru.

·       Finally, don’t even ask what I have planned for your bathroom.

Oh. I forgot to mention. This will happen “starting tomorrow morning—and it only gets worse from there.” Have a nice day.

Retirement Updates—Sex, Meds and Pain

A collection of recent news items makes me glad I’ve reached retirement age. For one thing, I don’t have to worry about contraception anymore. This is fortunate, since Pfizer just recalled one million packages of several of its popular birth control pills. The pills were put into the daily dispenser packets in the wrong order. That means your hormone levels would be all wack-a-doodle, “increasing the likelihood of unintended pregnancies.” Ya think?

If I were on those pills, I’d be pregnant sure as God made little green apples (and Pats don’t reign in Indianapolis). As it is, I need one of those days-of-the-week containers just to keep my vitamins straight. A manufacturer screw up on the sequence of birth control pills would have meant preggers for certain. Not to mention that my hormone levels are already wack-a-doodle. If I had wack-a-doodle on steroids, my husband would be cleared for instant sainthood—and he’s Hindu.

If you’re feeling smug because you (or your partner) wear a raincoat for protection, keep reading. Some 1.35 million condoms distributed by the ANC in South Africa also were just recalled because the condoms broke during intercourse. That doesn’t mean that ones in the U.S. will also let the rain in (or out), but would you want to take a chance? Just sayin’. That leaves the rhythm method, which, I’m told, will be covered by all insurance plans, regardless of who is elected President in November.

A related news item (or not) is that Japan’s Health and Welfare Ministry projects that its population will decrease 30% by the year 2060 and be aging rapidly—seniors will then account for about 40%. Life spans will be longer (almost 91 for women by 2060) and birth rates lower (1.35 per woman by then). The report was issued just before the Pfizer recall, so expect adjustments to these figures when the next projections come out.

Maybe the Japanese need to practice yoga. My husband drew my attention to a Nightline feature on a new book on the benefits of yoga. The only one he remembered is that yoga increases sex drive. The cobra pose in particular is supposed to improve blood flow to the pelvis, leading to better “yogasms.” Will more yogasms lead to more offspring? Hard to say…

There’s good news for retirees on the medical front. A drug created to treat skin cancer has been shown to reverse the symptoms of Alzheimer’s in mice. More specifically: scientists at Case Western Reserve University have found that bexarotene improves memory function and social behavior in laboratory mice.

I’m a little fuzzy on how they were able to measure these improvements. I’m picturing the control group scampering around willy-nilly, squealing “Who moved my cheese?” Or maybe the ones on the test protocol found the cheese even when it was in the researcher’s pocket.

You have to wonder how they assess social behavior in mice. Are there recordings of the males murmuring, “Hey there, Minnie. Wanna see my etchings?” I did note something in the report about the mice building nests from tissue paper. Isn’t that what they do when they’re pregnant? Hmmm. Maybe they were on Pfizer’s birth control pills. I don’t want to even think about broken mouse condoms.

Another gender-related item: women feel pain more than men do. These findings fly in the face of beliefs that women have a higher pain threshold than men. In a study of 11,000 hospitalized patients with various ailments, women self-reported acute pain more than men did. However, since most nurses were female, men may have sucked it up to seem more macho. One pain women definitely tolerate better is a pain in the butt, especially when it’s caused by men trying to seem macho.

You are now up to date on all the important developments having to do with sex, meds and pain. I aim to serve. But not to learn the cobra pose…

Retirement Issues — Bio IDs for Retirees

India is implementing the first-ever universal biometric ID program, which will assign a Unique Identification Number (UID) to each resident as a national proof of identity. The UID links three pieces of biometric data: a photo of the face, iris scans and fingerprints. The program aims to help the poor gain access to benefits and subsidies. India presently has dozens of ID types, virtually none of which can be used country-wide and most of which are not available to the poor.

Similar ID trial balloons have been floated in Britain and the US over the past decade. Not surprisingly, UID plans have many critics who think Big Brother is already watching us too closely. With a little thoughtful tweaking, we seniors can make a UID work to secure our access to benefits as we age. Forget fingerprints and iris scans. We have more appropriate ways to uniquely identify us using biometrics, ways that will not put us at risk of government meddling.

I’m using as my guide Wikipedia’s definition: Biometric identifiers are the distinctive, measurable characteristics used to identify individuals. And further: The two categories of biometric identifiers include physiological and behavioral characteristics. You just know there’s a treasure trove of possibilities in this. Here are some of my suggestions.

Chemical Breath Analysis

Odors (or odours, if you’re a Brit) are an acknowledged biometric. Per the site griaulebiometrics.com: “…each organism produces a given odour that is characteristic to that organism.” I’d never suggest using body odor as a UID, but let’s face it, older folks have some of the most distinctive breath aromas on the planet. A CIA agent would have to be really perverse to probe that data out of idle curiosity.

Plaster Casts

Equally curiosity-proof is a plaster cast of your bunion. Though I’ve not conducted a scientific study, I’m quite certain that every bunion is unique. What’s that? You don’t have bunions? Then use the profile of your fallen arch when it’s placed on a special foot pad. What again? Your arches haven’t fallen and you have no bunion? Liar, liar, pants on fire. Unless you've spent your life barefoot on the beach, you can’t have reached seniordom without at least a hint of one or the other of these problems. However, moving on...

Spot Patterns

The patterns made by our liver (or old age) spots provide yet another biometric for a UID. The ones on your face or on your hands provide the most discrimination. If you opt for this biometric, you should overlay the behavioral (or behavioural) test of what you think the patterns represent. It’s a sort of Rorschach for seniors. When the ID is set up, you input your interpretation into the database. Anyone with a similar spot pattern will need to perceive it in your same quirky way in order to coopt your ID.

The Art of Earwax

Those with excess earwax have an additional option, that being a Pantone match to the color (or colour) of your wax. Important! Be sure to use the Pantone code for coated stock, not uncoated. Those who have used this color tool know that you get not-so-subtle variations in shades depending on the paper you print on. Likewise for your wax match. The earwax biometric has an added benefit of improving your hearing each time you are screened for a UID match.

The Lettuce Test

This ID measures how long you take to chew a three by five inch lettuce leaf. It’s predicated on the fact that many seniors have dentures, caps or other paraphernalia that render chewing food such as lettuce a challenge. Be sure to indicate which type of lettuce was used for your standard. If you’re timed using iceberg when your ID is set up, but they test you on Bibb or romaine, you’ll never pass as yourself.

Meandering Ratio

The final metric is complicated and therefore unique. You walk from point A to point B, ten feet away. A computer records you and calculates as follows: Ten divided by how many steps you take times your sway (inches from leftmost point to rightmost). This number is divided by your height in inches times your weight in pounds, and that is divided by the circumference of your right thigh. The result is your meandering ratio.

There you have it. Six alternatives to fingerprints and iris scans for a senior-friendly biometric ID system. The more we combine these together, the more secure our identity from pretenders. And the less likely some nosy government functionary will go out of his way to track our every move. Isn’t technology great?

Retirement Reflections — Mentoring Month

January is National Mentoring Month and The View devoted a show to this topic. I was struck by the variety of opinions on what a mentor is (or does). To me, a mentor was a regular presence in one’s life over an extended period. Others defined it as someone who was a singular influence or impetus to achieve, even though the mentor may not have known it. For all, mentors were inspirational, empowering.

Joy Behar credited Gloria Steinem with giving her the courage to pursue stand-up comedy, a tough field for women back in the seventies. Steinem was unaware that her words exhorting women to be their own person and have confidence in their abilities had been such an influence on Behar.

The other co-hosts had more traditional mentors, but the clips of celebrities showed them thanking everyone from wives who pushed them to succeed to agents who stood by them early in their careers. I've decided there are several types of mentoring.

The most familiar I will call formative. A formative mentor helps set you on a path to achieve greatness, or at least to achieve your goals, no matter how modest. To do this, a formative mentor devotes a considerable amount of time and energy to molding you. He remains a presence in your life over many years.

Similar, but generally for shorter periods, are transitional mentors. They help guide you through challenging life passages—high school, college, attempts to stop smoking or to get out of a bad relationship, for example. Over time, a transitional mentor may evolve into a formative one.

Next are the exemplars. Some people call them idols or heroes. By whatever name, they serve as examples of how to lead your life, how to achieve your goals. An exemplar may not know how many people she’s mentored, but she is very likely aware that she’s setting an example. We all can—and should—be exemplars.

Finally, there is the reflective mentor. By that I mean we may not realize the person served as a mentor at the time it’s happening. Upon reflection, often years or decades later, you recognize their influence on your life. They’re very likely unaware of the impact they’ve had on you.

As I look back, I can’t say I ever had a traditional, or formative, mentor. I have long-time friends who’ve always encouraged me and I’m grateful for them. But I never had one person there over the years for me to go to for advice. No one who propped me up, pointed me in the right direction and gave me a gentle push when I might have needed it. Mostly I found my way by trial and error, by stumbling into things that made sense, that worked. Or seemed to at the time.

I’ve been a “closet” writer for decades. When I worked at a large corporation in Manhattan, I regaled my co-workers with bogus intra-office memos. Toward the end of my 17-year career there, I collected them into a book, added material and gave it a working title of “A Neophyte’s Guide to Corporate Survival.”

The father of one of my peers was with Random House, and she offered to have him critique my manuscript. His comments were constructive. The product in its current form was neither fish nor foul. If it was intended to be helpful, it needed more meat. If meant to be funny (which it was), it needed to be edgier. The net of his advice was to be outrageous if I wanted to be a published humorist.

I took this to heart. When I was “downsized” a few years later, I wrote an opinion column itemizing what I saved by no longer commuting. My “fuzzy math” concluded that I was making money by not working. The piece was published in the Sunday New York Times. I was paid $75 and I was over the moon.

A year later, the Times published my second, even more outrageous column, on the garbage crisis. A few years after that, Marketing News ran two of my crazier pieces. Then followed close to two decades with little time to write.

One of the reasons I retired was to provide that time. I keep the advice of that Random House executive in mind, pushing my humor to the edge of reasonableness. Occasionally I write more serious, wistful pieces, like today’s post. But what I consider my signature style is my humor. I think it’s time to contact my former colleague and ask her to pass on my thanks to her father. And maybe even to become a mentor myself.

In recognition of National Mentoring Month, thank a mentor and become a mentor. Retirement is a great time to start!

Retirement Variations — Tebowing for Retirees

Coverage of Tim Tebow praying on bended knee, after scoring a touchdown or completing a “Hail Mary” pass, has been inescapable. For those scarce few who are unfamiliar with “Tebowing,” his position is a cross between Rodin’s “The Thinker” and Friberg’s Washington praying in the snow at Valley Forge.

Now that the Denver Broncos have been knocked out of the AFC playoffs, Tebow and his pose are disappearing from the media. I’m here to help those suffering from Tebow withdrawal. Retirees have several poses that we strike almost daily that are worthy of as much media attention as “Tebowing.” Perhaps more.

First and most important is “Elbowing.” This is the pose we strike when we’re in a crowded area and we can tell that the younger folk around expect to steamroller past us. You can almost see the thought balloon over their heads: “Retiree. Unstable on her feet. Not much energy left. I can just push by her and get ahead in line.” As if.

This is when we strike one of our most effective poses. Elbows sharply bent, hands in fists, positioned at chest height for maximum angularity. We look like we’re about to do the chicken dance, which disarms the young’uns, so they’re off guard for what’s coming. This is not the same position as akimbo (hands on hips). Try them both and you’ll see how much more effective elbowing will be for crowd control. And retribution.

The second retiree pose is the aptly-named “Get Going.” This is the one we fall into as we get out of bed. When we place our feet on the floor, we’re bent over slightly (or more than slightly) at the waist. As we stand up (or try to), the waist bend remains for several minutes, until we overcome our inertia and finally get going. Stiff, arthritic knees make it even harder to get going, so there’s a motion component as well. Or more precisely, a lack-of-motion component.

One of the more subtle poses favored by retirees is the “Tilt and Cup,” wherein the head is held sideways and tilted back slightly, with hand cupped at the back of the ear. This pushes the ear forward, so sounds bounce off the inside of the hand into the ear canal. This pose is seen most often in crowds of retirees, when people are all talking at once and the decibel level is high. A group “Tilt and Cup” can look like a flash mob to those who aren’t close to retirement, making them think we’re cool.

Some folks mistake the “What For” for the ”Tilt and Cup,” but it’s a distinct retiree stance. We use it when we head from one room to another for a purpose that we've lost sight of by the time we get there. We stop, tilt our head, and rub our chin thoughtfully, as though it’s a magic lamp that can summon the Memory Genie.

Occasionally, we try to summon the genie by rubbing one of our temples. From behind, it can appear that we’re rubbing our ear, which is probably how the confusion with the “Tilt and Cup” came about. If the “What For” pose is struck before we reach our destination, it’s referred to as the “Where To.” If you’re already retired, you know why.

The “Teeter-Totter” is not as much a pose as a method of locomotion. You’ll recognize it by the almost-imperceptible shifting from foot to foot, with virtually no forward progress. As we transition into retirement, we somehow get the idea that moving side to side is a better way to get from here to there than moving directly forward. No one seems able to explain this, but we see it all the time.

The “Teeter-Totter” is often paired with the “Chair Crane,” which is an actual pose, though barely. Since forward t-t motion is awkward, the person teetering often grabs hold of the arm or back of a nearby chair with one hand. This is intended to prevent tottering into something or someone en route. The t-t-er then lifts the opposite foot as he takes the “Chair Crane” stance ever so briefly, but often multiple times, as he progresses from point A to point B.

Finally, I present the  quintessential retiree pose—the “LayZbo.” Here’s how it works. Plop yourself into a recliner. Tilt the chair back and clasp your hands behind your head. Put your feet up on the footrest or matching hassock. You’re now doing the “LayZbo,” one of the great joys of retirement.

Tim Tebow, eat your heart out.

Retirement Wish List — Discussion Shows for Retirees

Some of the most popular TV fare are discussion shows with panels of regulars. The quintessential example and my favorite is ABC’s The View. For those living in a man cave—oops! my bad (banned phrase in 2012)—under a rock, The View has five female co-hosts of varying demographics, backgrounds and, appropriately, points of View.

CBS developed a competing but less successful show, The Talk. They must have thought their title would deliver women who meant to tune in The View but got confused. As if. Meanwhile, ABC, pumped by its continued good ratings and CBS’s less than stellar entry, concluded they are simply better at this format. They expanded from women’s issues into The Chew, about—you guessed it—food.

Notice that discussion shows all have four letter titles. That includes The Five, Fox’s replacement for Glenn Beck when he bailed on them. The Five, with a rotating panel of—you guessed it again, five—Fox personalities, was created as a stop-gap. When it was still gapping nicely without stop after three months, it became permanent.

As I mulled this over, I decided there’s an opportunity for discussion shows for retirees. The network that hops on this should develop one version for women and another for men, for two key reasons. First, with all the flirting and fawning, there’d be too much sexual tension in a co-ed group. You couldn’t have serious conversations. Second, the ideal panel size seems to be five. So a co-ed panel would have an uneven number of members of each sex—never a good idea. (Remember Spin the Bottle?)

I have suggestions for the composition of these panels to get the same level of head-butting (or butt-heading?) as on The View. I’ve worked hard to get a range of ages and points of view and to provide diversity. It wasn’t easy. Just try to find an older conservative female celebrity. Or an older black one, for that matter; most of those even close to retirement are already on a discussion show.

For the women’s panel, Betty White is a must. She’s hot (in Cleveland) now, is opinionated and funny, and has demonstrated her chops in female-group programming. Another good choice is Jane Fonda, who has just put out exercise DVD’s for seniors. She’s also opinionated, though not funny, but we’ve got that covered with Betty. Jane should come cheap; she’ll want to push her DVD’s at least until her leotard wears out. (She still has that striped one from her original workout video.)

I’d also include The Brady Bunch mom, Florence Henderson; her RLTV cable show is obscure enough to be a non-issue. Wikipedia claims she supports a Catholic charity and, out of respect, refused to dress in a nun's habit for a comedy skit. That makes her quasi-conservative compared to other celebrities, even if she did get crabs from NYC Mayor John Lindsay when she had an adulterous affair with him in the sixties.

Faye Wattleton would be a great panel member. She’s known for speaking out on controversial topics, plus she provides that sought after diversity. Candice Bergen rounds out my choices. She’s one of the contributors to the women’s website WowOWow.com. Her pregnant-out-of-wedlock Murphy Brown character could debate Planned Grandparenthood with Faye. Can't wait.

Moving on to the candidates for the men’s show, we have lots of choices, several of whom have had talk shows of their own. We think they can be lured into joining our discussion group, now that they are in or are approaching their own retirement.

Two obvious ones that will add excitement, controversy and color are Jerry Springer and Larry King. For color of a different sort, we’ll pull in Bill Cosby. Less obvious, but faces that are familiar on the late night circuit, are Terry Bradshaw and Ben Stein. Bradshaw is borderline manic and Stein can be depressive. Talk about stirring the pot. Stein has the added advantage of offering a conservative voice.

Once a month, we’ll bring the two panels together on a current hot topic that is highly polarizing. That should really liven up the discussions. Betty White going at it with Larry King over clip-on vs. button-on suspenders! Florence Henderson taking on fellow Dancing with the Stars alum Jerry Springer on whether the rumba can be adapted for pole dancing! Talk about sexual tension…

The only thing left to do is come up with a four-letter name for these suckers. The Perk is a possibility, but isn't it too Central to the Friends TV show? Perhaps The Brew; that can have several meanings. We’ll tell the men it’s short for Brewski.

Oh, yes. These shows are destined for critical acclaim. I think I’ve found my next career: TV programming. Sta-a-ay tuned!

Retirement Guidelines — Words Banned in 2012

Lake Superior University in Michigan just issued its annual list of banned words. Words and phrases that qualify are overused, misused, useless or otherwise annoying—ones that make us grind our teeth so hard that the fillings vibrate.

This year’s dirty dozen includes such gems as “baby bump,” “the new normal,” “amazing,” “man cave,” and “shared sacrifice.” As a service to my fellow retirees, I’ve gathered a similar collection of ne’er-do-wells to be banned from publications targeted at us.

While it’s not likely anyone would send retirees tips on how to deal with our baby bumps, I would be happy if I never saw the words “muffin top” or “breadbasket” again. I’d be even happier if I never saw my own muffin top again. While we’re on the topic of muffins and bread, let’s banish “donut hole.” No one understands how that actually works and I’ve about worn it out in my blog posts.

I’d keep “bread box,” though, since it’s a useful term of size comparison. “Bigger than a microwave” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. I would, however, suggest tossing “lock box.” It, too, has served its purpose for my blogging needs. Of course, if Al Gore were to reappear on the political horizon, I might have a change of heart.

A better candidate for banishment than “the new normal” is “the new 50,” as in: “60 is the new 50.” Enough already; 60 is not the new 50. It can’t be, because 66 is the old 65, and pretty soon 67 will be the old 66. If you’re inclined to quibble over this, check out the progression in the FRA (Full Retirement Age) over recent years.

Moving on, I’d hang on to “amazing” and drop “age appropriate” instead. All this blather about what behavior is “age appropriate” for retirees flies in the face of the amazing condition that many retirees are in. Not to mention their energetic interest in politics, fashion, pop culture and—so it appears per a recent study of older women—sex.

Since I now have your attention, I direct you to a report in the American Journal of Medicine on research that followed more than 800 California women over the course of 40 years. (And you know what they say about West Coast girls…) Actually, the study doesn’t say senior women have a stronger interest in sex; rather that the sex is more satisfying when they get older. So much for “age appropriate.”

I digress. This post is not about sex; it’s about language. Overused, misused, useless or annoying language. To that end, I have no bone to pick with banning “man cave;” it sounds so, well… prehistoric. But I’d also like to get rid of any and all forms of “staging,” as in: “My real estate agent arranged for a stager to remove every hint of personality from our cave before we put it on the market so we can downsize.”

While I’d love to eliminate “downsizing,” it will be at least a decade before the baby boom of incoming retirees will have downsized their need for that term. Relative to its role in retirement planning, it’s not even close to being overused. Corporations seem to have come to a different conclusion, however, preferring the more euphemistic “rightsizing.” Yeah, right.

Speaking of not downsizing, “extended family” is another phrase that has outlived its usefulness. An “extended family” now has so many variations and interpretations that the phrase no longer has a reliable meaning. Better to be more specific, using “echo boomer” or “multi-generational” or “sandwiched” family and bid farewell to “extended.”

I haven’t decided yet how I feel about giving up “shared sacrifice.” I’m conflicted about how it applies to my husband and me. I’m good if it means that when one of us cooks, the other does the dishes. Now that I’m retired and watching our spending, I  “sacrifice” by getting my hair cut every six weeks instead of five. Best I can tell, my husband gets his cut about twice a year. If he shared my schedule-lengthening, we’d need to get him a man-cave. Not good.

Until I figure out how we can actually share sacrifices, I’d like to hang onto that phrase for at least another year. If I have to give up some other phrase in exchange, they can have “tighten your belt.” At this point in our lives, loosening our belts is far more useful. It draws less attention to our breadbaskets and muffin tops. Neither of which shall we speak of again.

Retirement Issues — Signs You Need A Fitness Regimen

You may recall from an early January 2011 post that I’m not one for resolutions, preferring instead to share some New Years confessions. Specifically, I wrote: “If people my age haven’t managed to eat less, exercise more, quit drinking or stop swearing by now, New Years resolutions aren’t going to make it happen.”

While I still feel that opinion is very likely accurate, I’ve noticed some signs that it may be time for me to consider the need for a fitness regimen. In the six months since I finished getting the house ready to put on the market, I’ve become increasingly lazy. This in turn has led to some noticeable physical deterioration.

In short, dear readers, I’ve reached the point where I can no longer ignore the fact that age is catching up with me. I’ve concluded that if I don’t take some action and take it soon, age will not just catch up with me; it will overtake me. Ones former self in the rear view mirror is not like Lubbock, Texas; that is to say, not happiness. (For those who didn’t follow country music in 1980, Google Mac Davis.)

In case you think I’m exaggerating my condition, I present ten personally experienced signs that it’s time for a fitness regimen.

10. You buy a seven-day feeder for the cats’ dry food and you’re not planning a trip anywhere.

9. Your mid-section is almost as big around as your chest is.

8. Even your tongue has become fat; you chew on the sides when you grind your teeth in your sleep.

7. You get so out of breath when you lace up your shoes that you’re seriously considering the ones with Velcro straps. (Bite thy tongue! Oh no, wait. I’m already biting my tongue…)

6. You now empty your plate and everyone else’s. And the serving bowls. In all fairness, it’s really your mother’s fault. And your stager’s. Your mom always lectured: “Don’t waste food. Think about the poor starving children in China.” But you threw out most of your plastic containers for leftovers when you cleared out the kitchen to stage your house.

5. You buy a talking scale so you don’t have to bend over to read the numbers. Your eyes can’t see details five feet away without your driving glasses, and you’re certainly not walking out to the car to get them. Besides, your midsection blocks the view of that little window with its teensy numbers anyway.

4. Your muffin top has become more like a loaf of bread.

3. You ask your heating contractor if he can install a remote control on the thermostat.

2. The seat on the couch in the TV room is beginning to have indentations in the shape of your bottom. (Remember the mother’s bed in Psycho? Creepy!)

And the number one sign that you really do need a fitness regimen:

1. You’re too lazy to come up with the tenth sign that you need one.

Happy New Year everyone!

Retirement Christmas — The Nativity as Told by Elaine’s Trees

In celebration of Christmas, herewith The Nativity, as told by Elaine’s Christmas trees. There are three this year: two large live ones, and the small artificial one that’s especially for the cats.

Whimsical animals, handmade craft items  –  Cats’ tree  –  Gold, silver, crystal and china

Most of you think it was an angel of the Lord that appeared to Mary with the news that she would be the mother of the Son of God. Actually, it was her fairy godmother who told her she was preggers.

Angel of God    —    Fairy godmother

It was Mary’s bad luck that she and Joseph had to make a long trip around the time she was due. Something about doing a census so the voting districts could be better aligned to the population. So they loaded her onto a zebra and set off for Bethlehem.

Not surprisingly, there was no room at the inn when they showed up without a reservation, what with all those alumni coming back. Fortunately, they found shelter in a manger, where Mary gave birth to Baby Jesus.

The birth was announced by a choir of angels and by angels with herald trumpets,

and by other celestial creatures with regular trumpets.

Bells rang out throughout the land.

The birth was so miraculous that it actually snowed in Bethlehem, but they couldn’t find anyone to shovel on Christmas Day.

Shepherds came to pay their respects, bringing their sheep along with them

They tended their flocks by night, but by day, they let the sheep wander all around Bethlehem. This was really tough on people wearing sandals.

The locals were a forgiving lot, though, so they honored the Newborn by performing a ballet for His family. It may have been the Nutcracker, or perhaps the Firebird, or even Swan Lake. The Bible is unclear on the details.

Likewise to honor Him came three wise men from the East,

who followed a bright star in the sky. There were several bright stars, so it took them awhile to find the right manger. Also, they were all men, so they didn’t bother to get directions.

They came by camel, ostrich and giraffe.

Yes, giraffe.

Maybe not by ostrich. It could have been lions.

Or maybe elephants. The Bible isn’t really clear on this, either.

More likely it was by zebra, like Mary.

The wise men brought gifts of gold, kesari incense (now the most popular brand sold at Spectrum India), and myrrh.  The last of these was often misspelled as ‘mirth,’ which is how we came to think of Christmas as an especially jolly time.

Less known are other presents that the various visitors brought with them.

Then God told Joseph that Herod was going to come looking for Baby Jesus, so the Holy Family got back on their zebra and left town.

(Note that the zebra is now headed in the opposite direction…)

And that, my friends, is the true story of the Nativity, as told by my Christmas trees.

To those of you who are thinking: “Yeah, right. When pigs fly.” I say:

From your mouth to God’s ear.

Merry Christmas, one and all! And Happy Hanukkah to many!