Saturday, December 31, 2011

Retirement Issues — Signs You Need A Fitness Regimen

You may recall from an early January 2011 post that I’m not one for resolutions, preferring instead to share some New Years confessions. Specifically, I wrote: “If people my age haven’t managed to eat less, exercise more, quit drinking or stop swearing by now, New Years resolutions aren’t going to make it happen.”

While I still feel that opinion is very likely accurate, I’ve noticed some signs that it may be time for me to consider the need for a fitness regimen. In the six months since I finished getting the house ready to put on the market, I’ve become increasingly lazy. This in turn has led to some noticeable physical deterioration.

In short, dear readers, I’ve reached the point where I can no longer ignore the fact that age is catching up with me. I’ve concluded that if I don’t take some action and take it soon, age will not just catch up with me; it will overtake me. Ones former self in the rear view mirror is not like Lubbock, Texas; that is to say, not happiness. (For those who didn’t follow country music in 1980, Google Mac Davis.)

In case you think I’m exaggerating my condition, I present ten personally experienced signs that it’s time for a fitness regimen.

10. You buy a seven-day feeder for the cats’ dry food and you’re not planning a trip anywhere.

9. Your mid-section is almost as big around as your chest is.

8. Even your tongue has become fat; you chew on the sides when you grind your teeth in your sleep.

7. You get so out of breath when you lace up your shoes that you’re seriously considering the ones with Velcro straps. (Bite thy tongue! Oh no, wait. I’m already biting my tongue…)

6. You now empty your plate and everyone else’s. And the serving bowls. In all fairness, it’s really your mother’s fault. And your stager’s. Your mom always lectured: “Don’t waste food. Think about the poor starving children in China.” But you threw out most of your plastic containers for leftovers when you cleared out the kitchen to stage your house.

5. You buy a talking scale so you don’t have to bend over to read the numbers. Your eyes can’t see details five feet away without your driving glasses, and you’re certainly not walking out to the car to get them. Besides, your midsection blocks the view of that little window with its teensy numbers anyway.

4. Your muffin top has become more like a loaf of bread.

3. You ask your heating contractor if he can install a remote control on the thermostat.

2. The seat on the couch in the TV room is beginning to have indentations in the shape of your bottom. (Remember the mother’s bed in Psycho? Creepy!)

And the number one sign that you really do need a fitness regimen:
1. You’re too lazy to come up with the tenth sign that you need one.

Happy New Year everyone!

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