Saturday, July 9, 2016

Conflated Words

Combining two words into one gained popularity as shorthand for celebrity pairings. You have Brangelina (Pitt and Jolie) and the various Bennifers (Affleck/Lopez, and then Affleck/Garner). This time-saving conceit has been adopted as a way to use fewer words to say what’s on one’s mind. There’s Spanglish (Spanish flavored English) and more recently candle (can’t handle). The trend should come as no surprise in a society where one Presidential candidate uses Twitter as his primary means of communication.

I've decided to hop on the bangon (that’s the conflated “band wagon”). I might as well start with some shortened political phrases. The Vice Presidential contenders will heretofore be known as venders or veepers. I feel like the Democrats should use venders and the Republicans are more likely to adopt veepers. Blind loyalty (a key criterion in the search for the Republican Veep) will now be bloyalty.

In advance of the actual VP picks, we can still play the power couples game that helped start this trend. Hillary and Tim Kaine could mash up as Hiltim, but that sounds too much like a hotel chain, which would smack of Trump. That leaves Clinkain, evoking Clint Eastwood as Robert Kincaid in The Bridges of Madison County. On the Hispanic front, we could have Hillian Clintro, which sounds way too anatomical. OK. How about Hilliz? If it’s mispronounced as “Hell, Yes,” it gives Warren an edge.

Returning to bloyalty, The Donald and Chris Christie would be known as Trysty. (Better than Crump.) Pairing the Don with Newt Gingrich gets a new Nike slogan: Just Dewt. (Way better than Grump.) Scott Brown offers the option Donott, which could sound like “done it” (as in “been there, done that”). This would appeal to Donald’s ego. “We are the Trumpions” would make Jeff Sessions a clear front runner were it not for Queen’s intro line “…mistakes, I’ve made a few…” The Donald never makes mistakes.

In the meantime, prolls (Presidential polls) will continue to assess which venders or veepers are the current favorites with the bookies. The Presidential campaigns will be issuing policy papers (polpers), or in some cases white papers (whoppers). The Republican candidate will condense his positions into a tweet. This will challenge his staff to come up with hyper-conflated words, while preserving his hyper-inflated ego.

Moving from politics to healthy eating trends, expect to see gloofy, shoofy and floofy on package labels. No, these are not new names for the trio of characters on Rice Krispies boxes. They’re shortened versions of gluten free, sugar free and flavor free. They’re usually seen as a threesome since the first two often result in the third.

Let’s get more personal. I need to make time to dye my hair when my groots (gray roots) start showing a half inch or more. Here’s some advice to all of you: best to avoid me when I’m crungry (cranky and hungry). This would probably be more accurately conflated into hanky, since being hungry usually precedes getting cranky. But hanky begs to be followed by panky. I try to spend a half hour each day on saxtice (saxophone practice). Which is more than I spend on that hanky stuff, begging not withstanding.

Pop culture provides many opportunities for collapsing words together. “Social Media” can become smedia. Sports-minded readers will find it easier to talk about their fleague than their fantasy league. You can dismiss someone’s opinion with just one word: zif (short for “as if”). Someone who’s slow on the uptake is bramaged (brain damaged). You can throw shade on someone’s looks by saying they’re bugly (butt ugly). By the time they figure it out, you’ll be beyond spitting range.

We could play this game all day, but you get the idea. At least I hope you do. Because if you don’t, you’re either not paying attention, or you’re bramaged.

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