Campaign Trail Music

At one of Donald Trump’s recent rallies, a woman asked why TSA workers in “hibby-jobbies” (or some mangled version of hijab) aren’t being replaced with veterans who need work. Trump said he’d be looking into that. This reminded me once again that he encourages xenophobia. And then one of those light bulbs went on over my head.

Trump should put together a musical group to tour with him on the campaign trail. We’ll call them “Donny and the Xenophobes.” There’ll be lots of percussion, especially the clashing of cymbals. The brass section will be all wind and no wood. Pace yourselves, readers, because I’m just getting started.

Bill Clinton will have a band called William Jefferson Airplane. It will perform only on airport tarmacs. When someone he wants to influence is landing, he’ll play a few bars of “Hail to the Chief” on his sax. It will of course be a swing band.

The New Jersey Governor (and potential Trump running mate) will tour with his own group: the New Christie Mouthfuls. He’ll delight constituents at fundraisers with his own rendition of “Green, Green” (on the far side of the bridge) and “This Land Is Trump’s Land.”

The Massachusetts Senator who is a potential Clinton running mate will also have her own ensemble: Lizzy W and Her Brass Balls. She’ll be the closing act for Donny and the Xenophobes, and the opening act for Hillary. This is their fight song.

Speaking of the presumptive Democratic nominee, she’ll excite voters with her HillBilly Rockers. Her husband will join them (when he’s not on a tarmac somewhere), and they’re going to beat Trump like a drum. Hill expects to peel off some of the Southern vote with this down-to-earth group. She might even perform in a leather pantsuit.

Bernie and the Pacemakers will tour as a cover band for the Grateful-I’m-Not Dead, right up until the Democratic convention later this month. Oh, you think I’m being cruel on this one? Google “Gerry and the Pacemakers,” a group from Liverpool that was popular in the ‘60’s. Then take the Ferry Cross the Mersey, but Don’t Let the Sun Catch You Crying.

Another potential Trump running mate will be found on the campaign trail performing as Eye of the Newt (and Tongue of the Toady). He’ll frequently be double billed with Sarah P and the Ditzes. But you’ll never find them in the same place as John and the Thunesmiths. His a cappella quartet will play mostly John Tesh songs. Then there’s “dark horse” Mike Pence, Governor of Indiana. He’s still working on getting his musicians together.

Let’s not forget Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions and Tennessee Senator Bob Corker, both also on Trump’s short list for VP. I’m forever getting the two of them confused; all those Southern states look alike to me. With a full name like Jefferson Beauregard, Sessions should have a banjo in his hand. And Corker, well, let’s give him a harmonica. I hope they team up and tour together, doing the dueling theme from Deliverance.

Meanwhile, another potential Clinton running mate will be seen here and there under the name Kaine and the Virginia Revival. I have absolutely no idea what type of music he’ll play, but with a first name Tim, I wouldn’t expect acid rock.

Surrogates for the presumptive Democratic nominee will have their own ensembles. Barack’s Rolling Stoners will appear at rallies just about everywhere, with the Supremes as his backup. Meanwhile, Biden’s Wanderers will hit the state fair circuit in the rust belt. They’ll play whatever the crowd requests, as long as it was written before 1970.

Republicans that are still hoping for a convention miracle will make rare appearances in places that aren’t Ohio. You might catch Jeb and the Family Bush in Florida, or Mitt Romney and the Heartbreakers in New England. Paul Ryan and the Raiders will be seen only rarely and only in DC. And probably only around midnight.

There you have it. The groups you can expect to find on the campaign trail from now until November. Somewhere in this list must be one that will be music to your ears.