Saturday, September 27, 2014

Designer Dogs for Retirees

I recently noted that virtually all the canine pets in our condo development are small breeds. I’m not sure why. Our association doesn’t cap the allowable weight of pets, only the number (two). But some communities limit dogs to 30 pounds. On the heels of this finding, I noticed that Time magazine included a feature on designer dogs in its “The Answers Issue.” This confluence of tidbits unleashed the idea for this week’s post.

Since many retirees live where pet weight is regulated, I’ve included a number of smaller creatures in my collection. Read the details of each designer breed to find the perfect one for your needs.

New members of a condo community may want a dog that conveys status. The best choice for a high-end symbol is the LhaChiDa—a blend of Lhasa Apso and Chihuahua, with just a hint of Dalmation in the lineage. The Dal parent harks back several generations, assuring that the LhaChiDa will not get too large and will have only small and occasional (not too) black spots. As Chris Farley aka Matt Foley used to say on Saturday Night Live: “Well, la-dee-frickin-da.”

Speaking of Farley, those who have packed on the pounds since they stopped going to work should consider a Porkie. This Pug—Yorkshire Terrier crossbreed is so chubby that just looking at it will provide incentive for you to exercise daily. A word of caution: the Porkie may want to join you on your daily walks. If it loses too much weight, it will begin to look like a Shar-Pei. Ditto for its owners.

Retirees generally make frequent doctors visits, where they’re likely to spend considerable time in the waiting room. The perfect dog to tuck into your medical tote for company is the Dachsador. This Dachshund—Labrador mix loves going to the doctor’s office. It’s sized like the Dachshund, but it’s as devoted as the Lab. And please don’t send me any jokes about lab tests. Or cat scans.

For older women who have become dependent on weekly appointments at the beautician, we recommend the Pompador. This cross between a Pomeranian and a Labrador has the size and pouf of its smaller mother and the temperament of its larger father. Note that if you cross a male Pomeranian with a female Labrador you get a Labramanian. These dogs are used to search for truffles in certain Balkan countries.

While we’re on the subject of hair, a designer dog for those who are going bald is the TerPei. This Terrier—Shar-Pei mix has been bred to perch comfortably on top of your head when you leave home. Sometimes affectionately called the Terpe, this wonderful little guy will happily drape on top of you like a small rug. Your friends and neighbors will have no idea how thin your own hair has become underneath all his wrinkles.

Retirees are prone to bragging about their grandchildren, often exaggerating their achievements and talents. We have two breeds especially for them. The first is the Malorkie, a Maltese—Yorkshire Terrier blend. This is the choice for grandparents who embellish only slightly about their progeny. The second is the BullShitz, a Bulldog—Shih Tzu crossbreed. This is the go-to option for those who fabricate outright the successes of their grandkids, who of course have zero shortcomings.

If you’ve moved into a community where you’re worried about your neighbors snooping, consider getting a SharpShooTer to guard your homestead. This breed has a pair of designer parents: a Shar Pei/Shih Tzu mix on its mother’s side, and a Poodle/Terrier union on its father’s. It looks like a cute little thing, so it lures snoopers into a false sense of security as they lurk in your bushes. Then the yappy, manic influence of its father emerges, startling the intruder into a frantic retreat.

For retirees who are addicted to catalog shopping, the Speagle will be a valuable companion. This Spaniel—Beagle cross is a true hunting dog. It has a storied history of helping its owners find obscure products by sniffing through hundreds of pages in just minutes. You can generally adopt a Speagle online.

Finally, the perfect designer dog for retirees who have discovered the joys of napping is the Schnoozer. This Schnauzer—Poodle creation is at home lying on any soft horizontal surface. As long as you have room for this mid-sized pet, you’ll have company on your afternoon nap no matter where you decide to take it. If you live in a small condominium, you might want to opt for the sub-breed, the MiniSchnoozer. It’s a cross between a Miniature Schnauzer and a Toy Poodle. And no, it doesn’t take catnaps.

There you have it. Ten designer dogs created especially for retirees. I’m here to serve. (You know you missed me…)

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