10 Reasons Paper Newspapers Are Better Than E-Papers

Conventional newspapers are struggling to stay in business. To paraphrase the Ikea ad for its “book book” catalog, readers of “paper papers” are increasingly migrating to e-papers, the electronic versions of the daily press. E-papers may be convenient, but there are certain things that they can never do that the printed versions of newspapers can. Herewith 10 reasons paper papers are better than e-papers.

10. You can’t utilize e-papers to pack kitchen crockery and glasses when you move.
I’ve used and reused more sheets than I can count this summer as we moved from our house to a temporary apartment and then to our condo.

9. You can’t clean windows with e-papers and a spray bottle of ammonia water.
A Household Hints for the Budget Conscious list that’s worth it’s salt will always include this as a cost effective way to clean glass around the house.

8. You can’t cut an e-paper into the same sizes as your prints and tape them to the wall behind your couch so you can plan the layout without making holes.
This tried and true method for perfect picture placement is yet another way that paper papers come in handy when you’re relocating.

7. You can’t use a rolled-up e-paper to discipline a puppy during potty training (and you can’t spread it out where the puppy tends to make its mistakes).
Remember: just a gentle tap on the puppy’s snout. Not his fanny and never a hard hit.

6. You can’t swat horseflies with a rolled-up e-paper.
Yes, it’s tough to swat flies with a rolled up newspaper, but if you’re persistent, you can at least scare them to someone else’s table.

5. You can’t wad up an e-paper and stuff it into the toes of your wet hiking boots to dry them out.
Ditto for your street shoes that got soaked when you tried to jump the puddles in the road and missed.

4. You can’t insulate your long underwear with an e-paper when you’re camping.
And if you’re a senior, you probably wear long underwear all winter, camping or not.

3. You won’t find an e-paper cut into squares and nailed to the wall of a water closet in a one-star pensione in Europe.

In the late ‘60’s, I traveled with my own roll of TP. It was especially useful with the toilets that were just a hole in the ground. Two-star pensiones had porcelain floor plates with footprints molded in, to help you straddle the hole for better aim.

2. You can’t fold an e-paper into a discrete book cover for your copy of 50 Shades of Grey when you’re reading poolside at your club.
For those living under a rock, the movie version is set to release on Valentine’s Day, 2015. Be sure to get your refresher read in before then. Or not.

And the number one reason a paper newspaper is better than an e-paper:

1. You can’t line a litter box with an e-paper.
I pick up the free monthly papers expressly for this purpose. First a wee-wee pad. Then five or six broadsheets. Then four 1-quart saucepans of litter. And no, I don’t cook with the same pan. It’s just for Luke’s needs.

So you see, we’d all be lost without conventional newspapers, but me especially. Please do your civic duty and buy at least one paper paper every week. You’ll have my gratitude. And also Luke’s.