Retirement Commandments - Zoroastrian Version (Thou Shalts)

My husband (Hindu by birth) pointed out that the Zoroastrian version of commandments states everything in the positive, not the negative (more "thou shalt" than "thou shalt not.")  So, in a nod to ecumenicalism, here are the Zoroastrian Retirement Commandments.


1. Thou shalt establish a daily routine and adhere to it. Thou shalt be sure to include time for spontaneity, ideally from 11 am to noon and from 7:30 to 8 pm.

2. Prepare thee a budget and keep thee to it, no matter how cute the red shoes are that thou finds on sale. Know thee that “sexy orthopedics” is an oxymoron.

3. Honor thy social security, for thou might be the last generation to get it.

4. Thou shalt alter thy grocery shopping schedule to coincide with Senior Discount Day. If thou hast a choice in stores, thou shalt go to the one that asks for proof of age, telling thee thou cannot possibly be a senior citizen.

5. Thou shalt exercise every day and shalt include both aerobics and weight bearing exercises. Getting out of bed and climbing in and out of the bathtub count as weight bearing exercises. Shaking all night long from restless leg syndrome and slipping and falling in the shower are examples of aerobic activity.

6. Gather around thee thy family and friends for mutual support, such as plucking each other’s chin hairs. If thou relocates, thou shalt find new friends, preferably ones with good eyesight and steady hands.

7. Thou shalt faithfully take thy vitamins and daily medication as prescribed by thy physician. Remember to include thy liquid vitamins—especially the red ones in the green glass bottles.

8. Beware of false prophets promising extraordinary profits. Thy retirement is not a time for high risk ventures (or low rise pants.)

9. Speak respectfully of thine elders, no matter how bizarre their behavior, for some day thou might become one of them.

10. Thou shalt prepare a to-do list for each day. Thou shalt then proceed to do absolutely nothing that is on the to-do list. That is what retirement is all about.


All of these commandments are important, but the tenth one is the most important of all. If you choose to obey only one, that’s the one you should follow. I, however, will be sure to obey number 7. (Surprise, surprise.)