Saturday, March 12, 2011

Retirement Commandments - Judeo-Christian Version (Thou Shalt Nots)

Since the posts on Retirement Beatitudes and the Patron Saint of Retirees were so well received, I give you today the Ten Retirement Commandments, Judeo-Christian style. (Thou shalt nots.)

1. Thou shalt not tell thy successor how to do thy job, as it is no longer thine.

2. Thou shalt not pester thy former colleagues every day for information on how things are going at thy old office. (See commandment #1.)

3. Thou shalt not taunt pre-retirees on their way to work each morning. Remember: Their paychecks are generating the contributions that are helping to keep Social Security solvent.

4. Thou shalt not bear false witness about how thou spent thy day, trying to make it sound more productive or exciting. It is what it is. (Or was.)

5. Thou shalt not commit line dancing, no matter how itchy thy feet may get when the music starts. Thou might as well carry a huge placard that reads “Retiree with no life.”

6. Thou shalt not engage in competitions with fellow-retirees to see who can grow the biggest tomatoes (or squash, or sunflowers, or… thou gets the idea.)

7. Thou shalt not embarrass thy pets by dressing them up in cute little outfits to break up the monotony. If thou art bored in thy retirement, take thee up a hobby.

8. Thou shalt not crochet tacky tissue and toilet paper covers to give to thy friends. This is not what We had in mind when We said “hobby.” (See commandment #7.)

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s pension (or condo, or vegetable garden, or… thou gets the idea.) (See commandment # 6.)

10. Thou shalt not succumb to the temptations of the phish. (See post of January 15.) Thou dost not have a long lost uncle who became a missionary in Nigeria. Do not send his widow money, no matter how poignant her email may be. Tell her thou art on a fixed income with no discretionary spending. Thou shalt not be lying.

I could go on, but since the original came in a set of ten, it seems respectful to keep this list at ten as well.

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