Awareness Months for Seniors

 

As I was sitting through chemotherapy for treatment of my lung cancer, I noticed a message on the nurse’s computer opposite my chair. It read: “March is colorectal awareness month.” I thought: “I’ll bet every month is a different disease.” Which led to: “Wouldn’t it be fun to do an awareness calendar especially for seniors?” So, here goes, complete with acronyms to easily remember them by.

 

JANUARY starts a new year and it’s a no-brainer that this is the time to Book your Doctors’ Appointments for the year. Don’t forget your dentist and recurring tests and procedures. With the long lead times for everything medical, BDA month is the most essential entry in your annual calendar.

 

FEBRUARY signals Velcro Assessment Time. Have you reached the point where you should be wearing shoes and clothes with Velcro closures? VAT is when you need to assess your wardrobe with this important safety check in mind.

 

MARCH heralds Gold Bond Awareness, the ever-popular talcum powder for seniors (though I’m clueless as to why). When my husband and I made trips to India, Gold Bond powder was always the number one item on his sister’s “please bring” list. Celebrate GBA with gusto!

 

APRIL is a good time for spring cleaning. I’m making it the month to Reposition and Rotate your Throw Rugs. These are also called Scatter Rugs, depending on where you live. RRTRSR projects help keep rugs from curling up on one side, eliminating trip-and-fall hazards for seniors.

 

MAY is your opportunity to Count Your Liver Spots before your time in the sun presents other spots that could confuse you. CYLS month is a right of passage for seniors to keep track of how much that skin scourge progresses from year to year. Doing this in May gives you a few weeks to figure out how to cover them up before you begin your outside activities in earnest.

 

JUNE is when Summer approaches, and it’s time to Buff those Heels and Elbows that have become hardened and flaky throughout Winter. BHE awareness hits at the beginning of short-sleeved shirts and sandals season. Make sure you’re in your buffest shape possible so neighbors don’t tut-tut when you walk by.

 

JULY pits neighbors against one another in a variety of navigational and speed challenges in the Hoveround Competition. Not for the faint of heart, training for the HOVCOM begins in August of the previous year. Northerners travel south to train in winter to maintain their competitive edge.

 

AUGUST, aka Fiber Fest month, is a celebration of Prunes & Figs. They make up the heart of this fiber-focused month-long PFFF extravaganza. It’s guaranteed to help every participant get a move on. Look for free samples of non-sugar Shredded Wheat miniatures at events in your neighborhood.

 

SEPTEMBER is the month to Toss those Bed, Bath and Beyond Coupons stashed somewhere on your kitchen counter. Even though they don’t expire, you can use only so many of either type during your lifetime. So, make TBBBC into a celebration. Mail some to your sister and your niece. By the time you’ve posted their envelopes, you’ll have at least two more BBB coupons in your own mail.

 

OCTOBER is a great time to hold a Mah Jong Tournament. Every senior community I’ve been to has several groups of regular Mah Jong players, so a month dedicated to a MJT makes a lot of sense. Be sure to agree on tournament rules in advance. MJTs can get nasty.

 

NOVEMBER is a good month for a Return Label Purge. We all get multiple mailings from charities that send those cute labels for your outgoing mail. You likely have several years’ worth in a cubbyhole in your desk. Time to do an annual RLP. Toss all the ones where your name is misspelled; (you know you have those). Also ones with print type so small you can’t even read your address with your best cheater glasses on.

 

DECEMBER is when you should schedule your annual Underwear Assessment. As part of your UA, pay particular attention to briefs whose elastic has started to sag. Also the ones where your thumbs have poked holes through the side seams as you pulled them on or off. And of course, all those whites that are now yellow or gray must go. Make a list of what you want replaced. Then send it to your family so they can give you what you need for holiday gifts. They’ll appreciate the suggestions.

 

There it is. BDA, VAT, GBA, RRTRSR, CYLS, BHE, HOVCOM, PFFF, TBBBC, MJT, RLP, UA. A year of awareness months especially for seniors. And you didn’t even have to go through chemotherapy to receive it!

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

Marriage: It’s About Love, Not Velcro

The Supreme Court has just issued its ruling on marriage equality, upholding the right of same-sex couples to marry in any state in the United States. Even as this becomes the law of the land, religious conservatives are trying to find ways to thwart same-sex marriages in their own state. This seems like a good time to reprise my essay from April 2013, when Rhode Island, where I then lived, was still debating the issue.

Conservative voices insist that marriage can only be between a man and a woman because the Church (or the Bible) says so. It seems to me that they’re confusing the sacrament of marriage with the sanctity of marriage. A religious institution has the right to reserve its sacrament for heterosexual couples, but not every marriage takes place in a church or a temple.

My husband and I were married by a judge in a non-denominational chapel at Brown University. The Hinduism and Catholicism of our youth didn’t interfere with our ability to become husband and wife in Rhode Island. The judge didn’t confer a sacrament upon us, but he officially affirmed the sanctity of our love.

It’s unlikely the conservatives who are arguing against same-sex marriage would claim that our marriage isn’t legitimate. The Catholic Church might feel that way and probably wouldn’t have ministered their sacrament to us. But overall, even the holiest rollers would agree that we are husband and wife.

Many of those who are against same-sex marriage claim that civil unions should be good enough for these couples. They decry efforts to “redefine” the term “marriage.” Actually, forcing gay couples to have unions instead of marriages will ultimately muddy the terminology far more than recognizing their right to be married will. Reserving “marriage” for the exclusive use of heterosexual couples will only serve to take the concept of love out of the relationship.

What should same-sex couples call their mates in a civil union? “Unionites”? That sounds so political, so Norma Rae. “Partners” isn’t much better; it sounds like a business arrangement. Like the very concept of a civil union—and in stark contrast to the concept of marriage, both terms fail to convey the emotion that’s the basis for the relationship.

If we acknowledge that all these relationships are based on love, then the singular fact that distinguishes a committed couple labeled one way from a couple labeled another seems to be either anatomy or perhaps religion.

But we’ve already covered the fact that a man and a woman can marry without religious involvement. So, it gets down to anatomy. Which means the conservative definition of “marriage” no longer has anything to do with love, or even anything spiritual; it’s just about body parts. It’s not logical to claim that this protects the concept.

I think conservatives who are against same-sex marriage are mistaking Velcro for love. It’s really quite easy to straighten out this misperception. Velcro is the stuff where one side needs to have hooks and the other needs loops if it’s going to work. Love has no such hooks-and-loops requirement.

Lasting love is a matter of the heart, not the anatomy. The more the heart is at the center of love and the less the hooks and loops are, the more likely the connection will survive the stresses of today’s life. And the more love is allowed to be at the center of marriage, instead of Velcro, the stronger the concept of marriage will be.

As Justice Kennedy’s words made clear in the Supreme Court ruling, it’s also about dignity. When people recognize this, #LoveWins.

Crazy Holidays for Retirees

Kelly Ripa announced on Live with Kelly and Michael that September 9 was National Hermit Crab Awareness Day. Until that moment, I wasn’t aware of this holiday. I felt like the woman in the Prego commercial who is surprised to learn she prefers that brand to the one she’s been buying for years. An audio thought bubble opines: “I wonder what other questionable choices I’ve made…” And she flashes back to show how she’s picked nerdy-looking men, or horrific hairstyles, or too-trendy clothes.

My thought bubble read: “I wonder what crazy holidays for retirees I’ve been missing out on…” After all, some restaurants give you a free dessert on your birthday. Who knows what exclusive treatment could be available for retirees on holidays that are off our radar? You’ll be happy to learn that I’ve researched this and I’m sharing some special days with you, in calendar order.

Dowager’s Hump Awareness Day occurs the second Wednesday of each month. People who are still working get to celebrate Hump Day every week. All the dowagers get is one day a month. We’re still researching appropriate ways to celebrate this holiday. For starters, skip the camel jokes altogether, no matter how cute you think that GEICO commercial is. Free pudding at all restaurants would be nice. It seldom has any lumps, much less humps.

National Mismatched Plaid Day coincides with St. Patrick’s Day. Many people wear plaid for that holiday, Lord only knows why. It’s the Scots who make a big deal of displaying the plaid of their clan’s heritage, not the Irish. No matter. Retirees who wear mismatched plaids on this holiday get free beer at any bar with a name starting with the letter “O.” Which is to say, there’s free beer at virtually every Irish pub for retirees who wear plaid, period. Older folks never do plaid right.

Be still my heart! There’s an entire week set aside to celebrate Quaint Expressions (like “Be still my heart…”) It begins the third Sunday in April, with Cat’s Pajamas Day (my favorite expression of the group.) Retirees get to stay in their jammies all day, even if they go out to eat. And not just for brunch, for any meal. You can check out the rest of the week (including free honey on The Bee’s Knees Wednesday) on line.

National Velcro Appreciation Days are June 19 and September 13. This invention is so fabulous that it’s celebrated twice a year: first on the birthday of the inventor (George de Mestral) and then on the day he filed the original patent. We commemorate these happiest of retirees’ holidays by giving them a 20% discount on any article of clothing or household item that uses hook-and-loop fasteners (Velcro is a trademark) in any way whatsoever.

After a long battle, National Nap Appreciation Day was declared to be the summer solstice, June 20 or 21. Check your Farmers’ Almanac each year. The other faction wanted the winter solstice, December 21 or 22, the day with the most darkness. June aficionados won out. How can you expect retirees to get through about 15 hours of daylight without a late-afternoon nap? Retirees get to take a snooze wherever they are that afternoon. This includes in the driver’s seat of their car, at a stoplight.

National Cranky Pants Day is celebrated the Monday after Thanksgiving. We’re all in a lousy mood by then, even if we didn’t fight the crowds to get some early holiday shopping done. We were probably stuck in traffic, or in a line someplace we had no choice but to go at some point that weekend. You might think that this holiday should be for everyone, not just retirees, but it’s not. We’ve earned the right to be cranky. Others haven’t. Give us a wide berth on Cranky Pants Day.

Medicare Post-Enrollment Exhalation Day happens every fall, the day after the deadline to enroll in or change retirement healthcare plans. As an added stress, it can move from year to year, but it’s often December 7. If you’re not sure when it is, listen for the collective whoosh of retirees sighing in relief that the deadline has once again passed. On this day, retirees get to cut in line at the pharmacy. Come to think of it, let them cut in line wherever they are. Or else be prepared to listen to all their ailments.

No doubt there are other holidays well-suited to being celebrated by retirees, but these are the first seven that I turned up. Be sure to take some time to observe every one of them in a memorable way. If you’re not retired yet, do something appropriate on each of the days for someone who is. A blogger friend, perhaps? Just sayin’…

Curse Like A Retiree

A few months back, Time magazine had one of those feature boxes that are quick and entertaining reads. It shared some choice curse phrases from Jason Sacher’s book How to Swear Around the World. You’d have to be a holy roller not to laugh at them. My three favorites translated thusly: “You are stupid as a broom” (contributed by the French), “A fart to your beard” (a Persian specialty), and perhaps the strangest one—from Finland—“May you piss into a transformer.”

You just know where this post is heading. IMHO, if you’re going to curse at someone, you might as well be colorful and creative about it. I’m providing an array of new phrases to help you insult fellow retirees. They can also be used to offend people who are not yet retired, but probably should be.

When I was in high school, this insult was going around: “Your mother wears combat boots.” Those in on the game would reply: “She does not. She wears Army surplus sneakers.” This inspired my first retiree curse. “Your walking shoes use counterfeit Velcro.” The savvy wearer will reply: “They do not. I’m beta testing a new and improved version.”

The second phrase is a variation on a foreign localism my brother picked up in the late sixties. After his Army discharge, he crossed Northern Africa in a Volkswagon camper. When he came home, he challenged opinions not to his liking by shouting: “May a thousand camels beat a path across your front yard.” This was followed by drumming his hands loudly on the table. In that spirit, I give you: “May a caravan of out-of-control Jazzy scooters tear a path through your vegetable garden.” Vroom! Vroom!

The Persians inspired this next one. “May the fart you laid turn out not to be a fart after all on the very day you ran out of Depends.” Think about that one… Or maybe don’t.

Here’s one that heaps insult upon injury. “Your grandchildren are so dumb, they don’t even know how ugly they are.” You may want to step back a few yards as you hurl that one.

“The Smithsonian requisitioned your earwax for their collections” is a good start. For maximum effect, follow up with “They’re displaying it next to the amber from Jurassic Park.”

Here are three especially tailored to retirees. “May your pension fund manager make Bernie Madoff look like a Boy Scout.” “May your Social Security payments get auto-deposited into someone else’s account.” “May your shredder short-circuit and destroy all your Medicare paperwork.”

Then there’s the Irish prayer turned insult: “May the road rise up to meet your face when you trip on your daily walk.” Or perhaps more accurately, may your face fall down to meet the road…

Of course, there are the more obvious insults that focus on physical characteristics. There’s Old Gnarly Toes and Gizzard Neck, and for someone who is peppered with liver spots, Domino Face. But they’re not really creative; they’re just mean. Try something more unusual, like: “Didn’t anyone tell you you’re supposed to eat prunes, not wear them?” Or one that’s more with the times, like: “Your face could crash the Skype network.”

It’s always good to tailor the curse to something specific about the person you’re aiming it at. “May you get arrested for flashing a plumber’s butt when the elastic in your Sansabelts gives way.”

Perhaps the worst curse I can imagine directed at me is: “May your chin bristles spread to your nostrils and your ears.” Not a pretty picture. But it’s way better than: “May a thousand camels piss into your cat’s litter box.”

Marriage: It’s About Love, Not Velcro

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The Supreme Court is hearing two cases related to same-sex marriage, while the Rhode Island legislature is once again debating whether it should join every other state in New England in allowing it.

Conservative voices insist that marriage can only be between a man and a woman because the Church (or the Bible) says so. It seems to me that they’re confusing the sacrament of marriage with the sanctity of marriage. A religious institution has the right to reserve its sacrament for heterosexual couples, but not every marriage takes place in a church or a temple.

My husband and I were married by a judge in a non-denominational chapel at Brown University. The Hinduism and Catholicism of our youth didn’t interfere with our ability to become husband and wife in Rhode Island. The judge didn’t confer a sacrament upon us, but he officially affirmed the sanctity of our love.

It’s unlikely the conservatives who are arguing against same-sex marriage would claim that my marriage isn’t legitimate. The Catholic Church might feel that way and probably wouldn’t have ministered their sacrament to us. But overall, even the holiest rollers would agree that we are husband and wife.

Many of those who are against same-sex marriage claim that civil unions should be good enough for these couples. They decry efforts to “redefine” the term “marriage.” Actually, forcing gay couples to have unions instead of marriages will ultimately muddy the terminology far more than recognizing their right to be married will. Reserving “marriage” for the exclusive use of heterosexual couples will only serve to take the concept of love out of the relationship.

What should same-sex couples call their mates in a civil union? “Unionites”? That sounds so political, so Norma Rae. “Partners” isn’t much better; it sounds like a business arrangement. Like the very concept of a civil union—and in stark contrast to the concept of marriage, both terms fail to convey the emotion that’s the basis for the relationship.

If we acknowledge that all these relationships are based on love, then the singular fact that distinguishes a committed couple labeled one way from a couple labeled another seems to be either anatomy or perhaps religion.

But we’ve already covered the fact that a man and a woman can marry without religious involvement. So, it gets down to anatomy. Which means the conservative definition of “marriage” no longer has anything to do with love, or even anything spiritual; it’s just about body parts. It’s not logical to claim that this protects the concept.

I think conservatives who are against same-sex marriage are mistaking Velcro for love. It’s really quite easy to straighten out this misperception. Velcro is the stuff where one side needs to have hooks and the other needs loops if it’s going to work. Love has no such hooks-and-loops requirement.

Lasting love is a matter of the heart, not the anatomy. The more the heart is at the center of love and the less the hooks and loops are, the more likely the connection will survive the stresses of today’s life. And the more love is allowed to be at the center of marriage, instead of Velcro, the stronger the concept of marriage will be.

Retirement Updates — Binders of Seniors

One of the more memorable images that emerged from the presidential candidates’ debates was Mitt Romney’s binders full of women. While that may have appeared tacky to some of you, it didn’t surprise me. When I was in Marketing at Colgate-Palmolive, we had binders full of MBAs looking for internships. Of course, that was back in the 1980’s.

It turns out that this resource device, though antiquated, is not limited to women and MBAs. There are also binders full of seniors at that paragon of American retail, Walmart. Back when they decided to hire the elderly (now defined as anyone 65 or older) as “greeters,” they hit a brick wall with their sourcing efforts. The word went out to the local AARP and Gray Panthers: “Bring us binders full of seniors.”

The letter that was sent listed qualifications seniors needed to have in order to make the cut. “Must look good in blue” was the first criterion. “Able to maintain balance on three-legged stool” and “Able to hold their water for at least four hours at a time” were also up front on the list. “Have sufficient dexterity to tie their own smock or pinny” and “No hearing aid needed” were listed as “preferred skills.”

The Walmart binders of seniors had several tabs to organize the material and these varied according to the area of the country. In the South, there were tabs for men named Billy Bob and Jessie Joe and for women named Sue Ellen and Betty Grace. Those in New England had tabs labeled Chip and Muffy. One universal tab read: “Speaks more than one language.” In most areas, there were only a few sheets behind that one.

Now that Walmart has cut back on its greeting service, it’s selling its binders of seniors to other entities. One of the first organizations to open its wallet for this so-called asset was the National Association of Velcro Manufacturers and Distributors (NAVMAD), whose wallet has a Velcro closure, BTW. Apparently, they plan to mine the pages for consumer research on new ways to hook seniors on that miracle invention.

Volunteers in Service to America (VISTA) has also expressed interest in the binders. They claimed that Walmart paid so little it was like volunteering anyway. Adopt-A-Grandparent toyed with getting them, but they need seniors who can use smart phones. The Walmart binders are a bit thin on that criterion. The Service Corps of Retired Executives (SCORE) looked into acquiring the binders. Sadly (or perhaps mercifully), they found very few executives among Walmart’s pinny-hopefuls.

Speaking of scoring, one group that was particularly happy to have access to binders full of seniors is the Sisterhood of Boca Raton Widows. Not surprisingly, they jettisoned all the papers for female Walmart greeters. Likewise for any married gentlemen. Although that left a pretty thin binder, the Sisterhood feels it’s a better way to find available men of a certain age than hanging out at the cemetery gates.

The Brotherhood of Boca Raton Widowers, on the other hand, was looking into whether Romney was willing to share his binders full of women. No word on Romney’s response, but one of his Florida campaign staffers was rumored to have floated the idea of trading “a page for a vote.” Fortunately, that idea fell on deaf ears. Something about it being at risk of becoming a three-ring circus…