Random Musings

 May Retirement Sparks

Some of you may remember the sketch Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey on Saturday Night Live. That spoof inspired my column for this month: Random Musings. I’ve reached the age when I lie awake at night musing about all sorts of random topics. I’ve collected some of them for this essay, randomly, of course.

 

The other evening I was struggling to decide if it’s a kerfuffle or a kerfluffle. My bedtime brain doesn’t have spellcheck, so I didn’t know that Word would underline kerfluffle in red. I can see that now, but I’ve already moved on to other musings.

 

I’m aware that the animal known as the ship of the desert is the camel, but isn’t that usually depicted with one hump? That would make it a dromedary. The ship needs two humps to be called a camel. This of course means that the cigarette brand of that name actually has a dromedary on the package. You probably knew this already.

 

Moving right along… is the Hokey Pokey really “what it’s all about”? And if so, why? And can’t words really hurt as much as sticks and stones?

 

Who decided there would only be two choices in winter hand coverings—mittens and five-finger gloves? Why isn’t there an option with three channels—thumb, index and middle finger together, and the two smallest fingers together? Or thumb, index finger, and the last three fingers together?

 

Why do we assume that the first one to smell it did it?

 

I wonder if the estates of the four female leads in The Golden Girls get residuals for all those reruns on the Hallmark channel. I’ve watched some of them multiple times. The show is on just about every day, even more often than Murder She Wrote, and that series has just one female lead who would be entitled to residuals.

 

I’m only half way through this and you should already be able to see how truly random my musings are. And this is even without a glass of wine.

 

Eggs are sold by the dozen. Golf balls are sold that way, too. Muffin tins have twelve compartments. So why do we rate things on a scale of one to ten? What’s worse, sometimes one is the best rating and sometimes ten is. Bo Derek was a 10 in the movie of that name. Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Competition is always the number 1 dog. It’s all so confusing.

 

We hear a lot about AI now. It usually means Artificial Intelligence. With all my aches and pains, it’s more likely to mean the generics Acetaminophen and Ibuprofen for me. And my chronic cough means CVS texts me automatic refill notices for my Albuterol Inhaler.  Artificial Intelligence will have to wait a long time before that’s what I think of first when I hear AI.

 

I lost all my hair after my chemo treatments last spring. It grew back in white and straight and after a few weeks, I looked like Yahya Sinwar, the late Hamas leader who was in the news at that time. As my hair grew in more, I thought I looked like a human cotton swab. Now my hair has grown a lot and it’s curly. (It used to be straight.) My current look is very Harpo Marx. I’ll get it trimmed back to cotton swab length soon.

 

My husband and I never had children, but we each have siblings, so we live vicariously through our nieces and nephews. People talk about grandparents and great grandparents all the time, but we seldom hear about grandaunts or great grandaunts. Grandaunt will show up if you search the term, but almost no one uses it. I found this explanation helpful. “Grand” indicates one generation away; “great” is added to indicate generations beyond “grand.” Most of my nieces and nephews keep things simple and just call me “Aunt E.”

 

I don’t understand the reasoning behind the kerfuffle over football’s “Tush Push.” I have to do a tush push every time I put on a pair of French cut underpants. And a major push trying to get in and out of leotards. They should call that activity the “thigh pry.”

 

I’m pretty much randomed out. I hope you’ve enjoyed musing along with me.

 

Copyright 2025 Business Theatre Unlimited

 

Elaine M. Decker’s books include Retirement Downsizing—A Humorous Guide, Retirement Sparks, Retirement Sparks Again, Retirement Sparks Redux and CANCER: A Coping Guide. Her essays appear in the anthologies: 80 Things To Do When You Turn 80 and 70 Things To Do When You Turn 70. All are available on Amazon.com. Contact her at: emdecker@ix.netcom.com