Saturday, September 10, 2016

His and Hers Tombstones

On a recent drive back from a restaurant where the meal had been a disappointment, my husband apologized to me even though the food choice had been mine. I told him: “You’re always so willing to take the blame.” He said: “If I weren’t planning on being cremated, that’s what I would want on my tombstone.” I laughed. “Yes, yours should read: I was willing to take the blame. And then mine would read: Because he was always wrong.” That kept us laughing most of the way home.

This gave me the idea that husbands and wives should plan their paired tombstone messages well in advance. Here are some combinations that I’ve come up with.

Hers: But I wasn’t finished…
His: She was never finished.

Hers: Does this headstone make me look fat?
His: Not if you stay below ground.
(Think about that one awhile.)

His: Snored like a woodcutter.
Hers: Buried with earplugs, just in case.

His: Her cooking killed me.
Hers: Technically, it was my skillet. (He should have ducked.)

Hers: Are you listening?
His: Were you talking to me?

His: My work here is done.
Hers: His work never started. Mine never ended.

His: Gone too soon.
Hers: It depends on whom you ask.

Hers: I told you I was sick.
His: Every day for forty-five years.

Hers: Going out in style.
His: You’re wearing that for eternity?

Hers: He always made me laugh.
His: That wasn’t the plan.

Hers: The fun is over.
His: It never started.

His: I’m sorry.
Hers: He should be.

Hers: You can take the girl out of New Jersey, but…
His: Just put her back when you’re done.
(Think about that for a minute…)

Hers: Beloved wife and mother.
His: If you say so, dear.

I could keep going, but I’ll let you have some fun with this on your own.

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