Senior Flirting Techniques

Ah, Spring! The season of bare limbs and flirtatious behavior! The older we get, the less we’re inclined to bare things. But age is no reason to stop flirting. We simply need to adjust our techniques to be age-appropriate. Here are some guidelines for seniors who still enjoy this time-honored spring ritual.

If you wear reading glasses—and who doesn’t?—slide them slowly up off the bridge of your nose and perch them on top of your head. Follow this motion with a smile and lean forward toward the object of your flirtation. You’ll need to lean in to see him or her clearly without your glasses in any case, so the move has double benefits.

Carry a package of straws at all times. When you see someone flirt-worthy, put a straw in your drink. Swirl it around and stroke the end of it sensuously. Remember the chess scene with Faye Dunaway and Steve McQueen in The Thomas Crown Affair? (If you have 6 minutes, watch the seduction on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVp9v9kCXE8.) You can use this technique with almost any drink, including prune juice. But if your choice of orange juice is high-pulp, best to try something else.

Bake some brownies in the shape of hearts and offer to share them. Break the heart in two—a matching half for each of you. Making “brannies” (bran-muffin brownies) is especially thoughtful. In the current food climate, finding a gluten-free recipe is also a wise move. My niece, Pam, can probably help with that.

If you have a First-Alert alarm button that hangs around your neck, twirl it with your index finger. You might have to practice this in front of a mirror a few times. If you accidentally push the button, you can quickly cancel the rescue service without any embarrassing explanation. Once you have it perfected, try it on your intended paramour.

Tie a colorful bandana around your neck and coyly chew on one of the ends. This has the added benefit of hiding most of your wrinkles or your “natty” (neck wattle). Make sure you have plucked all your “stiffies” (bristly goat hairs on your chin) before you do this, lest you draw extra attention to them. Men can adapt this by using a necktie. Drape it around your neck, one end looped simply over the other, like you did on the knob of your dorm room door if you had a female guest when you were in college.

If you’re a senior who now uses a walker to get around, you have yet another way of flirting with your companions. Gently rock the legs of the walker back and forth in place. If you can manage without falling over, rotate your hips in a clockwise circle (think hula hoop motion). Hum a provocative tune while you do this. Some good songs to consider: I’m In the Mood for Love, For Your Eyes Only and I Can’t Help Falling in Love. All romantic, but low impact. Be sure not to trip when you hum that last one.

Here’s a variation on the drinking straw flirtation. If you’re in a home environment, slather your feet with baby oil. Then slide one foot in and out of your slipper very slowly. When the oil on that foot has soaked in, switch to the other one. You may have to repeat this a few times to get a response from your paramour. Don’t try to re-oil your feet during the process. No one wants to see what goes on behind the curtain…

Fan yourself with a Victoria’s Secret catalog. You can open it to an appropriate page (no flannel pajamas, please) or just flash the cover his way. Do not use the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition as an alternative. Picturing someone our age in one of those skimpy bikinis will have the opposite effect from what we’re trying to achieve here. It might even provoke a heart episode.

If you’re one of the rare seniors who are tech savvy, take some provocative selfies and show them to your target. Borrow a teenaged relative’s smart phone to get some ideas of poses. Anything with your tongue, an earlobe or some cleavage (women only, please) should work. Best not to combine any two of these in one photo, however.

This list should provide a useful launch pad for your flirtation journey. What are you waiting for? Get started right now. You can thank me later.