Saturday, October 18, 2014

Nicknames for Senior Body Parts

I recently heard that Shonda Rhimes coined the word “vajayjay” as a nickname for a female body part because network censors wouldn’t let her use the anatomical label in scripts for her hit TV show, Grey’s Anatomy. Then I caught The View’s Rosie Perez using “hooha,” also a popular nickname for…  well, you know. It occurred to me that seniors and those caring for the elderly need alternative names for certain body parts, ailments and medical devices. The ones whose real names somewhat awkwardly describe… well, you know that, too.

I’ve put together a starter list for all of us. The official names are shown first, then the slang.  I’ve also provided a sentence or two using the nickname and/or elaborating on it. I hope you find these colorful terms useful in your conversations with family, friends and physicians.

Bunion — Booya
“The older I get, the more uncomfortable my booya gets. Pretty soon I’m going to need a booyectomy.” Good luck getting your insurance company to cover that procedure. Booya!

Neck Wattle — Natty
“I’m going to start wearing bowties to obscure my natty.” This term is especially appropriate because a gentleman in a bowtie is often described as nattily dressed.

Droopy Ear Lobes — Doobies
“I can’t wear dangly earrings anymore now that my doobies have gotten so long.” Be careful not to confuse this nickname with something you smoked when you were in college.

Belly Pooch — Boochy and a related term: Saggy Abdomen — Sabdo
“My boochy is bigger than a bread box.” “If I don’t do sit-ups every morning, I get a sabdo.” If you have a boochy or a sabdo, and especially if your boochy morphs into a sabdo, it’s time for Spanx. The good news is that Spanx are much more comfortable than those long-leg panty girdles of our high school days.

Hearing Aid — Audi S’port
“I love my new Audi S’port. It’s opened a superhighway of auditory experiences for me.” Indeed. And you can turn it off and tune folks out if you want to. Vroom Vroom! (And yes, I know that was a Mazda commercial, not an Audi one.)

Fallen Arches — Floppers
“As I’ve gotten older, my feet have developed major floppers.” I feel your pain. My floppers have absolutely no cushioning anymore. I feel like I’m walking on concrete all the time. If you decide to order gel inserts online, make sure you get the ones for shoes. My Google search also turned up ones for bras. So NOT what I was looking for…

Flatulence — The Flappies
“When I eat raw cauliflower, I get the flappies. It’s even worse when I eat a lot of beans.” If you suffer from the flappies, stay away from campfires! (Remember Blazing Saddles?)

Hemorrhoids/Polyps — The Pollies
“I need to eat more fiber especially when football season is here. There’s nothing worse than the pollies when you’re in those rock hard nosebleed seats at a game.” Two words: inflatable inner-tube.

Colostomy Bag — Collie Wollie
“I can’t believe how stylish collie wollies have become these days. There are almost as many colorful covers available as they have for IPhones.” Not only that, but caftans and long tunics are coming back in style, even for men. To paraphrase that Oldsmobile commercial, it’s not your father’s colostomy bag.

Adult Diapers — Addys or if you prefer: Incontinence Underwear — Inundaters
“I can’t always control my pee anymore, so I finally got some addys. I hope the leakage doesn’t get so bad that I need to move on to inundaters.” Apologies to those in the advertising business who can no longer talk about their chichi industry awards without smirking.

Dowager’s/Widow’s Hump — Doho
“I’m paying special attention to my posture so I don’t develop a doho.” This is particularly important for those who have opo (osteoporosis), because really bad opo can lead to a doho. Then every day is Hump Day. Oh, no!

And my favorite slang term:
Bristly Goat Hairs (on chin) — Stiffies
“It’s bad enough that I have fuzzy sideburns, but I also have stiffies on my chin.” And after a few glasses of wine, I have fizzies and stuffies. The more I’m fizzied or stuffied, the less I notice my stiffies and fuzzies. Yet another reason to enjoy some vino.

No doubt you can come up with a few nicknames of your own. The only guideline is this: if it sounds better than the anatomical or technical term, it’s a keeper. Happy slanging!

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