Saturday, August 3, 2013

Retirees’ Uses for Duct Tape and WD40

We’re all familiar with that old saw: use duct tape for things that are supposed to stick together, but won’t; use WD40 for things aren’t supposed to stick together, but do. This is one of the great truisms of life. As my retirement time accumulates, so do my uses for these awesome products.

You may have noticed that I complain about the goat hairs on my chin. Now I also have duck fuzz that’s looking increasingly like sideburns. None of this is hair that I celebrate. I’m uneasy about those waxing strips you see on late-night TV. Older skin is more sensitive to temperature extremes. Plus that wax stuff would eat into my wine budget. I decided to try duct tape to remove my unwanted hair. It was cost effective and it lived up to its reputation.

Here are some tips I developed after doing this several times. Fold over the end of the duct tape about ¼ inch before you stick it to your face. It makes it easier to grab when you pull it off. If it’s humid when you do your toilette, first open the door of your freezer and stick your head in for a few minutes. It will cool you down so you don’t perspire. Ice cubes won’t work, because they leave your skin damp, preventing the tape from adhering.

Do you slip more often on your non-carpeted stairs now that you’re of a certain age? Cut strips of duct tape about 6 inches long and form loops, sticky side out. Place these on your steps where the ball of your foot usually lands. You may need to make a test run, to find the best placement. Now when you go up and down, the duct tape will grip your foot or shoes (or especially socks!) just enough to slow you down so you can keep your balance. Replenish tape as it gets fuzzy.

WD40 can also make your life easier. Do you have difficulty getting your street shoes on? Stop exerting yourself! Don’t risk a heart attack. Spray the inside of the shoe, especially the heel area, with WD40. Also spray your feet, whether you’re wearing socks or not. You’ll glide in like butter. For maximum benefit, do one shoe and one foot at a time. Make a note: if you have heart issues, the cost of the WD40 may qualify for a medical deduction.

Ladies, in swim season, WD40 will be your new best friend when it comes to the on-and-off process of swimwear. (Think pool and beach restrooms…) Spray your outer thighs, hips, butt cheeks and belly with a liberal amount. Your suit will slip on and off like silk. This also works for Spanx at any time of year. WD40 comes in a purse-size container that I’m sure was made just for this purpose.

Here’s a slightly more complicated use for duct tape. If you’re at all sensitive about your private parts, skip the next two paragraphs. If you’re not terribly good with engineering, you might want to refer to the schematic provided.

Older men often have difficulty keeping the boys tucked in where they belong. Duct tape to the rescue! Cut a piece about ten inches long and another about four inches. Place the four-inch piece in the center of the ten-inch one, tacky sides together. This provides a sling for the guys that won’t stick to them. Carefully cradle them in the center of the tape and lift them to where you want them. Press the sticky side of the three-inch long end pieces against your groin area. You might want to shave first.

Older women have a similar problem keeping their girls perky. Make two slings similar to the one described above for men. If your cup runneth over, you may need longer pieces of tape (and a longer sling area). Just be sure to allow three sticky inches on each end.

Here are more uses for WD40 that you’ve probably never considered. Having trouble lately turning the pages of books you’re reading because the paper sticks together? Do bill stubs refuse to go into the envelopes provided to mail the payment? Spray them with WD40, but don’t overspray. Let them dry a bit, then turn the pages of the book with ease, or slide the stub into the envelope without having to tear it apart.

Have you noticed that adding fabric softener to the wash is just one more thing you’re forgetting these days? Too much static on things coming out of the dryer? Spray the legs of your polyester pants (or other non-silk garments) with WD40 and your sausage-cling problems are over.

Duct tape and WD40: Miracle tools for people of all ages. Just think outside the box. Or can. And off the roll.

No comments: