Another Age of Aquarius

 

In case you missed it, Mercury went into retrograde again from September 27 through October 17 and we’ve entered another Age of Aquarius. According to astrologers, this happens as a result of the “great conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn,” which takes place every 20 years. However, only once every 800 years does this occur in the constellation Aquarius. Even though astrologically the name of the sign implies water and its symbol is water, Aquarius is an air sign. With one exception, it’s the first time in 200 years that the great convergence won’t happen in an earth sign.

 

I have no idea what this portends, but stay tuned to my blog. I might investigate it for next month, especially since noted astrologers tell us that Jupiter will remain in Aquarius for around a year, while Saturn will stay for two-and-a-half years. As a participant in the most celebrated Age of Aquarius (remember the 5^th Dimension?), I’m compelled to Let the Sunshine In on how this new age will compare to the one in 1969.

 

Instead of bell bottoms, we now have Spandex Under Armour that leaves nothing to the imagination. I speak from experience on this. Bell bottoms looked cool on women and men. Spandex, not so much. And instead of Jesus sandals and Daughters of Olaf clogs (I had both), we now wear flip flops and Crocs (I wear neither).

 

Thanks to the Beatles, in the sixties and seventies, we wore colorful, flowing Indian kurtas. Now we see mostly drab hoodies on the street. My husband opened his SPECTRUM-INIDIA store on Thayer Street in Providence in 1967. It still exists and you can find kurtas there to this day. Probably hoodies, too, but I’m not going to ask him about them. Those are so not Age of Aquarius fashion items.

 

True proponents of The Age wore flowers in their hair-down-to-there. Now hair is either thinning and falling out, or men shave their heads bald. I didn’t go to San Francisco until much later, but I had waist long hair for years. Today I’m in the thinning camp, so I keep it short.

 

Other notable changes in societal and cultural habits you may notice? Sitars have been replaced with electronic synthesizers. You don’t hear much Ravi Shankar music (he died in 2012); it’s Ed Sheeran in today’s news. Oh, and after a six-year hiatus, Adele came back November 19 with a new album. Ravi’s daughter Norah Jones is reasonably popular, but not because she makes us nostalgic for her father’s music. Like Adele, she has a beautiful voice.

 

Following up on Indian influence, we don’t hear much about ashrams anymore, those communal living locales for free spirits. Hippies from the seventies now live in condos or HOAs (Homeowner Associations). In our current location, my husband and I are severely restricted even with regard to what we can display in our windows and on our doors and how many pets we can have. I’m not talking just goats in the yard. Our HOA limits indoor cats to two per household.

 

As for food, there have been too many changes in diet to even begin to get into that here. But if the ads on TV are any indication, it does seem we’ve rediscovered Nutella. Can Ovaltine be far behind? And as for transportation, we’ve gone from that treasure, the VW camper bus, to electric Teslas and hybrids. Those might be more practical, but they can’t possibly be as colorful or as much fun.

 

I can’t leave my review of my first Age of Aquarius without visiting some of my favorite TV shows. We had Laugh In (Sock it to me!) and Star Trek (Live long and prosper). The crew of the Enterprise might have gone “where no man has gone before”, but you’d have to be a hermit to not know that Captain Kirk (William Shatner) went to space in October aboard one of Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin New Shepard flights. Sort of what goes around comes around. Now the hot TV property is some bizarre program from South Korea called The Squid Game. I keep reading about it, but I have no desire to investigate.

 

The seventies Age of Aquarius was known for peace, harmony and understanding. Words like trust and love were guiding principles. Sadly, today’s age is known for stress, anxiety and anger. Trust has taken flight. Let’s hope that the next Blue Origin expedition can find it again up near the edge of space.

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited.

A Burst of Joy on Facebook

 

There are more than a half dozen reasons why I’ve stayed on Facebook for more than a decade. But this summer it brought me unexpected new joy. I originally joined Facebook for networking for not-for-profit business reasons. I was the newly installed Executive Director of a federation of NFP agencies. Rather than risk their reputations by making mistakes or violating Facebook protocol on my initial activity, I joined under my own name.

 

Since I still use my birth name that quickly led to reconnecting with old friends who found me. I promptly learned that people share all sorts of routine information on the site. Photos of the previous night’s meal are just one popular example. Imagine my surprise when one day some friends’ postings were anything but mundane. They can best be described as providing me with unexpected bursts of joy.

 

As I scrolled through my news feed on that particular day, two photos that were not too far apart in the feed caught my attention. They were anniversary shots of friends who had each found their soul mates later in life. One couple lives in my neighborhood in Connecticut. The other is in New Jersey and is part of what I think of as my extended family. Though many couples marry in their twenties or early thirties, later marriages seem to be more and more common. My current husband and I married later in life.

 

I was gob smacked at how deliriously happy these two couples clearly are. Their obvious joy created a similar burst of joy in me, so much so that their photos brought me to the verge of tears. Of all the reasons I stay on Facebook despite the rancor that frequently erupts, photos like these are a key reason I check in at least once a day to see what’s going on in the Facebook world.

 

My husband and I never had children with either of our marriages. Photos of adorable grandchildren are among the most frequent postings on Facebook and another top reason I log in. I claim that I live vicariously through the offspring of others. I used to get that only with holiday cards that had the latest family photos. Now I get them all the time online. Shots of family pets, also popular, easily catch my attention, too, especially cats that were adopted from shelters. Those of my friends who don’t have their own offspring are almost guaranteed to have pets that might as well be human. Their photos are in fierce competition for likes and shares with those of toddlers, preteens and teenagers. Ditto for accounts of their birthday celebrations.

 

Speaking of those celebrations, one of Facebook’s features is providing daily reminders of friends’ birthdays. I usually post a short greeting on their feed, even if I don’t know them well. I consider it a friendly thing to do and most of them seem pleased and acknowledge the greetings.

 

Someone who found me early on was my best friend from our New Jersey grammar school. We went our separate ways in high school. Not because we had a falling out. We just had different interests and followed different paths. For example, I joined the band; she joined the rifle club. We were coming up on our 50^th high school reunion and we wound up working together to spearhead our events, even though I now live in Connecticut. Previously, Facebook had also been useful for planning my college reunions and some other activities.

 

A more pedestrian benefit of Facebook networking is finding people and services for various needs. I’ve obtained recommendations for cleaning services that way. Other folks’ searches have turned up dog walkers. My own most recent request was for a wagon to help transport my saxophone, folding chair and music stand from a parking lot to an outdoor band shell for weekly practice.

 

Bursts of joy on seeing special anniversary photos. Pictures of new grandchildren. Shots of cuddly family pets. Those are some of the things that keep me on Facebook. Let’s hear it for vicarious pleasures!

 

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

A Port In the Storm

For those who may not know, the backstory of this essay is that I’ve been in treatment for lung cancer for seven months. I’m having chemo and immunotherapy infusions every three weeks, continuing until February 2023. My cancer team had been encouraging me to have a port installed in my chest to make the infusions easier on everyone. Two months ago, I finally arranged to get “a port in the storm”.

 

Because I’m immunocompromised, I’ve been staying close to home during the COVID pandemic. I’ve entertained myself by doing a lot of jigsaw puzzles. My husband found two online that border on being perverse. Many of the pieces are the size of my pinky fingernail. Most are odd-shaped and don’t lock into one another. I had to use Scotch tape to hold them in place as I worked. When the cat one was finished, I posted a photo on Facebook. A friend observed: “I hope you had a lot of tape in the house!” Her comment gave me an idea.

 

If I can have a port for my infusions, why not implant some other useful things in my chest? The first would of course be a Scotch tape dispenser. Then I’d have all the tape I need for any crazy jigsaw puzzles my husband buys me. And just think how helpful it would be when I wrap holiday gifts. Even when I sit on the floor to do this, I’m forever wondering where the scissors and tape have gone under the sheets of paper. Of course, it would be dangerous to implant scissors, but tape would be great.

 

What I’d really like to have handy right here in my chest is dental floss. I have a lot of caps on my teeth and food is forever getting caught on their rough edges. I floss several times a day. A dispenser that goes with me from room to room would be a godsend.

 

I’m also a big lip balm user, but I’m not sure having one of those sticks implanted would be practical. How would my mouth reach it? On the other hand, a simple pump to dispense hand lotion would be useful and could work out okay.

 

Another item I’m often searching for around the house, especially when the slacks I have on are without pockets, is tissues. Imagine having your own tissue dispenser there in your chest! They’d be right where you need them when you feel a sneeze coming on. A similar implant could hold cotton balls. I don’t use nail polish anymore, but I’m sure any woman who does would be happy to have those little puffs pop right out of her chest when she was freshening up her manicure.

 

One of the symptoms that led to my lung cancer diagnosis was a debilitating cough. I kept lozenges on my bedside table so that I didn’t have to get up in the middle of the night to search for some. My cough cleared up once I started treatment, but before that, a chest dispenser would have come in handy. If you like this idea and the tissue one, best to get your pop-up port before flu season is upon us.

 

Most of these ideas involve personal care products. There’s a whole other category to consider—food items. One of my friends never goes out to eat without putting a pepper mill in her purse. Ditto for a dispenser for sea salt, which is supposedly far superior to refined table salt. If she had those on her—literally (in a pair of ports)—her purse would be lighter and she’d never be without her personal S&P.

 

There’s a grocery aisle full of condiments to consider, too. But if you imagine ketchup spurting out of a chest port… Well, that’s just plain gruesome. Even soy sauce paints a less than appetizing picture. Mustard and horseradish would probably be more visually acceptable. They’re healthier than ketchup, which is also something in their favor.

 

As you can see, a person wouldn’t need to be under treatment for cancer to find a chest port useful. These ideas should offer good investment opportunities for those celebrities on Shark Tank. Mark Cuban and Lori Grenier—if you’re reading this, feel free to contact me to “do the deal.”

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

Crayon Colors for Seniors

 All this time stuck at home has led to folks taking up old-fashioned hobbies to keep from going stir crazy. Many of us have discovered (or rediscovered) jigsaw puzzles. Another trend that had already begun before the pandemic is adult coloring books. And by that, I don’t mean X-rated. I mean ones with more complex patterns, like Indian mandalas, designed to appeal to adults.

 

I’ve noticed some interesting books on this trend, and I’ve seen new crayon colors on back-to-school promotions. But I haven’t seen crayons created especially for seniors. Here’s good news for people who’ve been wishing for those. I’ve put together a new selection with colors that reflect seniors’ every day lives.

 

It begins with some hair shades that once were popular with little old ladies. Clairol Blue in the seniors 24-pack is trendier than the color older women used to dye their hair. It’s kind of punk, for those of you who march to your own drummer. L’Oreal Purple is an alternative to Clairol Blue. Some of you will prefer the more predictable blue; others will go all out with this purple. Enhance your coloring book designs by using both.

 

Keeping in this segment of the color wheel, the ever-essential Velcro Violet matches the sparks you see when you undo Velcro straps in a dimly lit room. Bad Mood Indigo is much darker than Velcro Violet, for when your frame of mind is truly gloomy. I perk up the wheel and your spirits with Widow Scarlet, an uplifting shade for any woman who finds herself on her own at this stage of life.

 

Moving on I have another bright choice that’s even more invigorating than Widow Scarlet. Roadster Red is the red-family crayon that men will grab as soon as their pack is opened. Sporty women will gravitate toward it, too. Rolling along the color wheel, no seniors 24-pack would be complete without Golf Cart Green. I’ve included this one expressly for duffers, and there are plenty of you in senior communities. Parked nearby in the pack, you’ll find Scooter Orange. Vroom! Vroom!

 

I’ve included a potpourri of interesting and livelier colors. In the game zone, I have Shuffleboard Disc Blue-green, inspired by that game’s energy. Spread it around with gusto! Chardonnay Yellow was a no-brainer. It matches the wine that is served at every Mahjong game. If you’re not a fan of Chardonnay, you might enjoy using Rosé Rose, a trendy alternative to heavy wine shades in the red family.

 

Other semi-bright colors reflect seniors’ physical issues and commonly prescribed medications. Bat Wing Pink is mostly for women. I’m sure some men get bat wings, too, but for some reason we notice them most on our female friends. Add to your pink tones with Cataracts Carnation. It’s brighter than Bat Wing Pink and can mimic a prism when scattered throughout a design. Scooter Orange too bright for your tastes? Choose Diuretic Apricot as a soothing alternative. On the other hand, Statin Cerulean is a stimulating shade in the blue-green family that will enliven any design.

 

Crayons in the brown family, though less exciting, are a must-have in any set. No senior crayon pack would be complete without Liver Spot Brown. Another obvious choice, Neck Wattle Beige makes an appropriate companion. In related medication colors, you’ll find Beta-Blocker Umber. It’s deep and earthy, an essential brown shade. Last in this subset is the ever-popular Earwax Mustard. Benjamin Moore was the source for the particular shade in the seniors 24-pack. Practice your colorist skills by blending these four together.

 

Crayons in the white and gray families are also staples of a proper set. The simple yet sophisticated Mahjong Tile Ivory is a useful neutral color. One of the lighter colors named for senior medications is Plavix Pearl, part of a calming palette. Nana White will become a favorite color for those of you who have grandchildren. Many older ladies will gravitate toward Goat Hair Silver. It was created to match those unsightly brittle hairs that sprout on our necks after a certain age. Finally, there’s Old Hag Wart Grey. Though named for females, even men should feel free to use this one.

 

There you have it—the new and exciting crayons created especially for seniors. Look for them soon in a store near you. Not available yet on Amazon, but I’m working on it.

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited.

Woke Baby Names for Political Junkies

 

Recently I came across a phrase in an opinion column that sent me to Google to understand it. It was something like “Jones for Internet.” To me, Jones had always been someone’s surname. Or someone middle class folks tried to keep up with. Turns out, today “Jones” is a craving for something, or an addiction, especially heroin. In the opinion piece, it seemed to be about notoriety.

 

Bad enough we had to get used to common nouns that are now baby’s names, like Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s girl), Blue Ivy (Beyoncé and Jay Z’s bundle of joy), and Fuschia, (Sting’s color-competitive daughter with Frances Tomelty). Now we have to keep updated on “normal” people’s names that have completely different meanings. As long as we’re subjected to this name muddle, I’ve put together a list of woke baby names (and corresponding nicknames) for parents who are Jones on politics.

 

Filibuster Nicknames Filly if it’s a girl; Buster if it’s a boy

This term has always stirred up controversy, so it’s a terrific choice for parents who want to annoy those in their political circle who hold views contrary to their own. The boy’s nickname is especially appropriate.

 

Cancel Culture Nickname Ceci (pronounced see-see)

A timely name for 2021, and another choice that will stir up controversy if that’s what floats the parents’ boat. The nickname will help the child make friends at school, especially with those who are Latinx. They’ll assume you’re always agreeing with them.

 

Gerry Mandering Nickname G-Man

This is one of my favorite woke names. It’s a great unisex name. It has the benefit of allowing a girl to go by just Gerry, if she doesn’t warm to being called a G-man.

 

Budget Reconciliation Nickname Budgie Ree

Another timely name for 2021, guaranteed to be a favorite of Democrats who have given up trying to get bipartisan support. Which brings us to the next entry.

 

Bipartisan Nickname Bippa (pronounced like Pippa, Kate Middleton’s sister)

Another favorite of Democrats, especially those who feel Biden is being dissed by Mitch McConnell. Parents who choose this name should definitely not use Bi as a nickname. Sexual orientation is too complicated already these days.

 

Infrastructure Nickname Inf (kind of like Alf, the alien)

This name should have a long shelf life. Infrastructure projects take years to complete. And they don’t begin until a bill has been passed (and signed) to provide their funding. Enough said.

 

De-escalation Nickname Decal

De-escalation has come into its own in 2021 because of all the police involved shooting deaths. Get some decals made for bumper stickers and rear windshields to remind everyone how important it is to de-escalate.

 

Hegemony Nickname Heggy

This choice should be favored by far right advocates of white male supremacy. It’s much subtler than naming your kid Nazi and more pleasant sounding than Boogaloo. It will generate less conflict, since most folks won’t know what hegemony means anyway.

 

Stare Decisis Nickname Steady

Those who are obsessed with Supreme Court cases and concerned about the rightward tilt of the current bench should like this name. It suggests having a steady hand on the tiller, following legal precedents for issues decided in the past.

 

Finally, here are two suggestions for sets of twins, a more and more common occurrence, especially for older couples using in vitro fertilization.

 

Ear-Mark and Pork-Barrel Nicknames Emmy and Pibble

These names are inspired by the budget appropriations process. Items get added to a bill that have nothing to do with the budget’s primary purpose. They’re allowed in because earmarks bring the pork back home for the legislators who otherwise would refuse to vote in favor of the bill. The nicknames are especially appropriate. Legislators are often deserving of Emmy awards for their oratory. They’ve also been known to behave like pit bulls to get what they want. If only they were as cute as Pibbles…

 

Disen and Franchise Nicknames Dizzy and Frankie

These two come into play in 2021 because of all the statewide changes to voter registration rules. Republicans insist these will make voting safer and reduce fraud. Democrats claim all these changes are simply ways to disenfranchise voters of color. Frankly (Frankie), the back and forth on this is leaving many of us Dizzy.

 

No doubt many of you have already thought of more woke names to add to this list. I have ten alternates that I didn’t use. I decided this list would provide more than enough choices for woke parents. I assumed that adding more would just put the rest of us to sleep. Maybe that wouldn’t have been so bad after all.

 

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

Pandemic Statistics Interpreted

 Earlier this year, Time magazine ran a spread with 29 statistics about various activities related to the year many of us spent at home during the COVID pandemic. I noticed that some of those figures could help explain others, especially ones that otherwise might seem contradictory. This essay will interpret those relationships for you. I wrote this awhile ago. Now that the pandemic is getting under control, some figures are changing, which I’ve noted.

 

Let’s start with sex and marriage. Unlike love, these apparently did not go together like a horse and carriage during sequester. Time reports that 44% of adults claimed their sex life declined in spring 2020. The tide may be turning. Sales of condoms are way up there this spring. Lack of sex didn’t seem to have any impact on marriages last year, though, because divorce rates declined about 22%. This may be because therapists have been extra busy helping everyone keep the peace while sequestered at home.

 

I have an explanation for this, based on other statistics supplied by Time. Delivery of food via home-delivery apps was up on two measures. A whopping 40% of us who had never done so before tried out those services. Moreover, orders through one of them more than tripled vs. 2019. My guess? The meals were better than what spouses were used to being served, so they had no incentive to bolt the nest.

 

Let’s get back to why sex declined. Some of that could have been the “Not tonight; I just got vaccinated” syndrome, but I doubt it. Other activities and changes in habits seemed to have replaced sex or discouraged it. There’s no surprise that puzzle sales tripled in 2020. I was addicted to them for months. Some of those can be extremely frustrating. Not the best mood to be in for foreplay. Add to that having just finished a gourmet meal from Door-Dash, and your spouse can forget about a happy ending.

 

I had at one point thought that the 10% increase in the use of residential electricity was in some way related to the decline in sex. I envisioned a lot more self-pleasuring with sex toys. Then it occurred to me that those are battery powered (so I’m told). This had me wondering about the sale of batteries during the pandemic, but Time didn’t report on that. I did a quick search on alkaline batteries trends and best I can tell, they were juiced over the past year. Sex toys may have nothing to do with that. The kids were home and probably burned through batteries with their own toys.

 

If the increase in food delivery wasn’t explanation enough, here’s another item that could have contributed to a decline in sex: pajamas. That’s right, pajamas. Online sales of those comfy clothes grew 143% in one month last spring. At the same time, sales of bras drooped 12%. Victoria’s Secret sales were already down coming into 2020 and jammies sure weren’t helping any. And when was the last time you read or saw anything about one of Victoria’s Secret’s angels?

 

The closure of barbershops may have led to some muddled sex roles. So many men grew their hair into ponytails. From a distance, it was difficult to tell if the person ahead of you was a man or a woman. Who’s to say whether that added to confusion in a darkened bedroom?

 

Which brings me to underwear in general. With all the time spent at home, with not much exercise and lots more comfort food, is it any wonder that sweat pants replaced thongs or bikini briefs? (Time told us that 1 in 6 health clubs and gyms closed in 2020.) Of course sex was down but divorce was, too. Why? Who would want to go on the hunt for a new partner with a pandemic bod? You can hide it only so long under loose clothing. Sooner or later a new prospective partner is going to want to see the goods.

 

It was enlightening to see the impact that the pandemic had on so many things in our daily lives. What started with a run on toilet paper eventually found its way to baking sourdough and adopting pets (hooray for that one!), and then to weddings being postponed or called off altogether. (Blame it on the sweat pants.)

 

It will be interesting to see which of these items recovers to pre-pandemic levels after we’re back to so-called normal living. I know which trends I think will be permanent. I don’t care what happens with pajamas. I’ll still hibernate in Lanz flannel nightgowns. Beyond that, I’m keeping my expectations to myself. If you’re wise, you will, too.

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

 

Old Age Is for Anybody Who Gets There

 I’ve been reading a book my sister sent me of blog posts by the late Ursula le Guin. Le Guin shared my sardonic, self-deprecating style of humor. “No Time To Spare” takes Pollyanna optimists to task by challenging such bromides as “Old age is not for sissies”. Le Guin states flatly that old age most certainly IS for sissies. As she put it, “Old age is for anybody who gets there,” a truism that inspired this essay.

 

There are a number of things I’ve noticed that you likely won’t escape when you get to old age. One of those is that you’ll shrink. Almost every one of your checkups after a certain point will yield a height that is below what’s in the file from your last checkup. I wasn’t tall to begin with. In college, I was occasionally recorded at 5’ 2”, but only if I had my hair in a top knot. I got 5’ 1 1/2” for decades.

 

Somewhere after age 60, I clocked in at 5’ 1” and after 70, I went on a downward slide. I didn’t think too much about it. After all, how much difference can one inch make? I’ll tell you how much. A lot. There’s the obvious problem of not being able to reach things on the top-most shelves in the kitchen. I used to be able to finesse them down to me with a spatula. Now I need to get the step stool. Or my husband.

 

Beyond that, once I reached 5’ and a sneeze, I discovered I had to really stretch to reach the faucet handles on the kitchen sink. We tend to collect puddles of water along that strip between the sink and the counter edge. When I lean in, I soak my top all along my midriff roll. Then I have to either change the top or toss it into the dryer. You may be thinking: “No harm, no foul here.” OK, but there’s more.

 

We have pancakes on occasion. I make them in an old square electric frying pan that holds four at a time. There’s just enough room for the pan on the counter to the right of the center island cooktop. The cord goes over the edge to the outlet on the side of the counter base. I put a spoon rest behind the frying pan. After I’ve ladled out the four pancakes, I reach over the hot pan to put the scoop onto the spoon rest. At barely 5’, I often burn my forearm on the edge of the frying pan. I rarely did that at 5’ 1”.

 

The study I’m in as part of my cancer treatment has me getting weighed every time I have infusions. They also measure my height on the same scale where they take my weight. Because they have to be exact, if my shoes have any lift under the heel, they want me to take them off to measure me. I have an internal conflict over being happy I weigh two pounds less vs. wearing shoes that sneak in a little extra height. The shorter I get, the less I appreciate any weight loss.

 

Moving on from things to do with shrinking… Here’s something else I’ve noticed about getting older. It takes longer to get ready to face the outside world in the morning. I used to wonder why my mother could never let me to pick her up for errands until after 10 a.m. The other day I realized that it had taken me an hour to do everything in the bedroom and bathroom before I could head out to the kitchen. My exact thoughts: “Good Lord! I’m becoming my mother!”

 

Because I’m often too tired to do my floor exercises before I go to bed, I now do them in the morning as soon as I get up. They take 20 minutes out of the gate. Even though my hair is short, I brush it from the scalp downward 100 strokes every morning. Thank you, Georges Michael of Madison Avenue. It really has kept it from thinning out too much. Then there’s the time it takes to get dressed, most of which is spent trying to put on my socks. I can still reach my feet, but my gnarly toes refuse to cooperate. Those have become my mother’s, too.

 

Not everything has to do with me. I have three senior cats. One has a food station in our bedroom. I freshen up her water bowl every morning. I also make my bed. Often there are at least two cats still on it, so it’s a challenge to tidy up without disturbing them.

 

My advice is, no matter what your challenges are with getting old, be happy if you get there.

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

Awareness Months for Seniors

 

As I was sitting through chemotherapy for treatment of my lung cancer, I noticed a message on the nurse’s computer opposite my chair. It read: “March is colorectal awareness month.” I thought: “I’ll bet every month is a different disease.” Which led to: “Wouldn’t it be fun to do an awareness calendar especially for seniors?” So, here goes, complete with acronyms to easily remember them by.

 

JANUARY starts a new year and it’s a no-brainer that this is the time to Book your Doctors’ Appointments for the year. Don’t forget your dentist and recurring tests and procedures. With the long lead times for everything medical, BDA month is the most essential entry in your annual calendar.

 

FEBRUARY signals Velcro Assessment Time. Have you reached the point where you should be wearing shoes and clothes with Velcro closures? VAT is when you need to assess your wardrobe with this important safety check in mind.

 

MARCH heralds Gold Bond Awareness, the ever-popular talcum powder for seniors (though I’m clueless as to why). When my husband and I made trips to India, Gold Bond powder was always the number one item on his sister’s “please bring” list. Celebrate GBA with gusto!

 

APRIL is a good time for spring cleaning. I’m making it the month to Reposition and Rotate your Throw Rugs. These are also called Scatter Rugs, depending on where you live. RRTRSR projects help keep rugs from curling up on one side, eliminating trip-and-fall hazards for seniors.

 

MAY is your opportunity to Count Your Liver Spots before your time in the sun presents other spots that could confuse you. CYLS month is a right of passage for seniors to keep track of how much that skin scourge progresses from year to year. Doing this in May gives you a few weeks to figure out how to cover them up before you begin your outside activities in earnest.

 

JUNE is when Summer approaches, and it’s time to Buff those Heels and Elbows that have become hardened and flaky throughout Winter. BHE awareness hits at the beginning of short-sleeved shirts and sandals season. Make sure you’re in your buffest shape possible so neighbors don’t tut-tut when you walk by.

 

JULY pits neighbors against one another in a variety of navigational and speed challenges in the Hoveround Competition. Not for the faint of heart, training for the HOVCOM begins in August of the previous year. Northerners travel south to train in winter to maintain their competitive edge.

 

AUGUST, aka Fiber Fest month, is a celebration of Prunes & Figs. They make up the heart of this fiber-focused month-long PFFF extravaganza. It’s guaranteed to help every participant get a move on. Look for free samples of non-sugar Shredded Wheat miniatures at events in your neighborhood.

 

SEPTEMBER is the month to Toss those Bed, Bath and Beyond Coupons stashed somewhere on your kitchen counter. Even though they don’t expire, you can use only so many of either type during your lifetime. So, make TBBBC into a celebration. Mail some to your sister and your niece. By the time you’ve posted their envelopes, you’ll have at least two more BBB coupons in your own mail.

 

OCTOBER is a great time to hold a Mah Jong Tournament. Every senior community I’ve been to has several groups of regular Mah Jong players, so a month dedicated to a MJT makes a lot of sense. Be sure to agree on tournament rules in advance. MJTs can get nasty.

 

NOVEMBER is a good month for a Return Label Purge. We all get multiple mailings from charities that send those cute labels for your outgoing mail. You likely have several years’ worth in a cubbyhole in your desk. Time to do an annual RLP. Toss all the ones where your name is misspelled; (you know you have those). Also ones with print type so small you can’t even read your address with your best cheater glasses on.

 

DECEMBER is when you should schedule your annual Underwear Assessment. As part of your UA, pay particular attention to briefs whose elastic has started to sag. Also the ones where your thumbs have poked holes through the side seams as you pulled them on or off. And of course, all those whites that are now yellow or gray must go. Make a list of what you want replaced. Then send it to your family so they can give you what you need for holiday gifts. They’ll appreciate the suggestions.

 

There it is. BDA, VAT, GBA, RRTRSR, CYLS, BHE, HOVCOM, PFFF, TBBBC, MJT, RLP, UA. A year of awareness months especially for seniors. And you didn’t even have to go through chemotherapy to receive it!

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

Distraction Tactics for Today’s Culture

Distraction: A tool for diverting attention from an area of focus in order to diminish how much information is absorbed about it.

 

You might have noticed an increase in the diversionary tactic “whataboutism” lately. It’s generally used by a party on one side to divert attention from their failures. They then either focus on their own successes or redirect attention to the failures of the opposite party. If Facebook is any indication, not only is whataboutism not politically correct, there’s a movement afoot to ban it altogether. Don’t get your knickers in a twist. Herewith, some less offensive options for distraction.

 

Let’s begin with a literal distraction, based in history. Red herring. This term supposedly originated in British foxhunting circles in the 1600’s, drawing a red herring across a trail to confuse hunting dogs and prolong the hunt. Pungent fish were also used by escapees being chased by posses with bloodhounds. By dragging a fish across the trail behind him, the person being chased hoped to buy time and make a safe getaway. These days a red herring is usually a figurative diversion. Take care to be politically correct when you drag that stinky thing out.

 

Here’s a fun distraction that will be familiar to cat lovers: Bright shiny object. The most popular is the laser toy. Grab one of those and shine it in the opposite direction of the speaker or activity from which you want to divert attention. Not many can resist the lure of the laser. For those who can, there are other distraction tactics to consider.

 

Another reliable one: Smoke screen. This was more typically used as a military tactic to obscure troop movements. With a thick enough screen, a speaker has no hope of having his message break through. I’m told this was used effectively in the movie “Wag the Dog.” I never saw that one, but I don’t think it employed smoke literally.

 

Loud noise, including music, and especially repetitive sounds, can also effectively disrupt communication. Not to mention sanity. “A Clockwork Orange,” anyone? Don’t think about “Singin’ in the Rain.” Think about the electronic version of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony that drove Malcolm McDowell to jump out a window. Temperature extremes, either hot or cold, can have similar effects.

 

Retail establishments have learned to use fragrance to distract shoppers and lure them to desired areas or inspire purchases. On the opposite side of the spectrum, obnoxious smells, like rotten eggs, will drive folks away from something you don’t want them to see or hear.

 

On a brighter (and less repulsive) note, animals are a tried and true method of diverting attention away from one person to another area altogether. Puppies! Kittens! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Only the truly stone cold-hearted can resist these.

 

Before I share my final tactic, I’m throwing out two words that are not exactly distraction techniques, but which describe things that aren’t what they seem. Astroturfing imitates the messaging of grass roots movements, masking the sponsors to sway people to believe something that isn’t true. It makes it seem like it originates from the true grassroots organizations, but it’s far from it. Clickbait is linked text designed to entice users to follow that link and view the online content. In this case, that content is deceptive and misleading and is typically sensationalized.

 

On to my final pièce de résistance of distraction techniques. As I often do in my essays, I’m going full circle back to where I started, which is a historical example of a distraction tactic. It falls into the general category of humor. Humor is almost always a safe way to divert attention from one area to something totally different. There are, of course, plenty of examples out there of politically incorrect humor. But you really should be able to accomplish your goals while still being PC.

 

When all else fails and you desperately need to distract attention from something, strip off all your clothes and streak naked in the opposite direction.

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

Stolen Years

 Many adults think the reckless behavior of young people is a reflection of their assumption that they will live forever. When I was young, I was guilty of a fair amount of recklessness, but I don’t remember ever thinking I was indestructible, that I’d live forever. Not even in an abstract sense, much less literal.

 

The disruption caused by COVID is robbing most of us of the social interactions that add richness to our lives. For young people, this will likely be a temporary interruption in their emotional development. Once the pandemic is behind us, life will go back to almost normal and their social growth will pick up where it left off. For older people, especially seniors, it may not be that easy.

 

After my sister’s husband died, she and I decided to take a trip together each fall to places we selected together. The first year, we went to Puglia, Italy and enjoyed it immensely. The second year, we didn’t go on a trip because my husband had knee replacement surgery. In addition to wanting to help him with his recovery, I had been counting on him to take care of our senior cats while I would be away. The third year, my sister and I went out West with a focus on visiting Sedona and several National Parks.

 

Year four was supposed to be Portugal. Instead, we got to sequester at home because of COVID. As it turned out, my husband and I developed health issues that would have complicated that trip. My sister, who is now 82, lamented that she wasn’t sure how many more years she would have for us to make these trips together. I assured her that we’d have plenty of them; there’s longevity in our family. It’s not that I thought we were indestructible and would live forever. I just felt we had a lot of years ahead of us. “There’s always next year” had been my mantra.

 

Recently I started to think about the trips my sister and I expect to make. I hope everyone is healthy enough for one by fall, but even with the COVID vaccine now a reality, I doubt we’d risk traveling this year. Perhaps in 2022.

 

I had a sudden realization that COVID was stealing years from those of us who don’t have many years left to lose. Before COVID forced me to stay at home, I was here much of the time anyway, so it didn’t feel like much of a sacrifice. I don’t feel that way any more. It has dawned on me that every year that my sister and I can’t travel together is a stolen one.

 

Our remaining years no longer spread out ahead of us like a magic carpet of travel time. We were never expecting to live forever. But we also weren’t expecting to have the years we were counting on be taken away from us without warning and through no fault of our own.

 

This may sound like a simple realization of my own mortality, but it’s something different than that. Recognizing your own mortality simply means that you know there’s an end out there somewhere. Stolen years are different. Those are years that should have been there to be lived and enjoyed in your limited, mortal future, but are no longer there.

 

Young people have time to adjust, to recover from lost time. Seniors don’t have that luxury. Once a year has been stolen from us, we can never get it back. My mantra is no longer “There’s always next year.” It’s “I hope there will BE a next year.” And not just for my sister and me, but for all of us. In the meantime, I’ve decided I will not dwell on the year or two that COVID will have stolen. I’m going to focus on reclaiming my life, one day, one week, and one month at a time. After all, days, weeks, months—that’s what years are made of.

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

Banned Words and Phrases 2021

 

This is my tenth foray into preparing my own list of words and phrases to be banned in the coming year. The fact that many of my previously banned entries are still in popular use has not dissuaded me from giving you ten new ones for 2021.

 

Every banned words list this year that has a shred of editorial gravitas should include “woke,” even though people seldom agree on what it means. If you’re woke, you supposedly pay attention to social and racial justice issues. As with anything controversial, the meanings of these aspects of justice change depending on your politics. During the 2020 election, pundits on both the far left and the far right hijacked woke for their own purposes. In 2021, wake up, folks, and stop woking!

 

I’m thrilled to toss into my lexiconic dumpster the catch phrase “tick tock,” the lazy man’s way of saying “the clock is running.” After years of popping up in TV programs, it’s wormed its way into media interviews. Newsflash. The clock is always running. Say what you mean: “We’re running out of time,” because—tick tock—time has run out for using that phrase.

 

I’m weary of people defending their prognostications and far out opinions by saying “I have a hunch.” As far as I’m concerned, you might as well just say “I have an itch.” Scratch it in private; don’t share it with us. Especially if you have no medical expertise and are publicizing your hunches about what to do during a pandemic.

 

My next three entries come courtesy of Senator Amy Klobuchar.

The question Who does that? started with Klobuchar and has been picked up by other politicians. We know “who does that,” because you just quoted their objectionable behavior.  If you mean no reasonable or sentient being would do that, say so.

 

Senator Klobuchar popularized the now banned word “receipts” to assure would-be voters she’d accomplished things she claimed to be capable of. “I have the receipts!” became the battle cry of many candidates who felt their CV wasn’t convincing enough on its own. It reached such a frenzy that I expected one of them to actually hold up a fistful of papers. As it turned out, that gesture was co-opted by a certain press secretary, brandishing a handful of affidavits to prove election fraud.

 

“I see you” is often heard from a politician trying to convince an audience that she’s “woke” when it comes to their concerns. According to the NY Times, actress Jane Alexander refused to use that phrase in the play Grand Horizons that opened in early 2020. Of course you see us if we’re in front of you. And don’t try to get around this ban by substituting “I hear you,” because I don’t feel you on this one.

 

Dog whistles employ coded language to get a target group to support a certain position while avoiding negative attention and without riling up the opposition. The whistles sound normal to most of us, but they communicate something else to the intended audience. “Defend family values” is a good example. Reverse dog whistles convey something that is not true, but evokes a knee-jerk reaction to a particular phrase or label. Used out of context, “defeat socialism” is one of these. Let’s put a plug in either type of dog whistling.

 

The phrase “circular firing squad” refers to people engaged in internal conflicts and mutual recriminations that are self-defeating. It must have been invented to describe Democratic primaries and I’d like to retire it once and for all. The only thing more self-destructive would be eating their young, which QAnon actually claims that they do.

 

Let’s stop using the truism “It is what it is.” Does anyone really think something isn’t what it is? True, something might not be as it appears. But if that’s what’s you mean, better to say so. I don’t expect total compliance on this, because well, whatever will be will be.

 

I can’t believe it has taken this long for me to jettison CNN’s famous catch phrase “Breaking News.” When all of your news is breaking and you repeat it all day long, pretty soon none of it is breaking. It’s like seeing “sale price” on a grocery shelf for months on end. CNN, if it ain’t breakin’, don’t “Break” it.

 

As a breast cancer survivor, I’ve been using the phrase “not my first rodeo” since my recent diagnosis with lung cancer. I’m determined to put this in my rear view in 2021, so I don’t plan to need the rodeo phrase much longer. Giving it up now is a small price to pay if Tom Selleck stops saying it in those reverse mortgage ads that carpet bomb the TV. A girl can dream, can’t she?

 

That’s my list for 2021. I trust I can count on all of you to comply.

 

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

Origins of My Giving

 We’re all familiar with the expression “It’s better to give than to receive,” and many folks prefer to give gifts than to get them. I love giving people things. As long back as I can remember I’ve felt this way. I recently came to realize what I believe to be the origins of my giving penchant.

 

 

Last year, as I’ve done before, I was tooling around EBay looking for Christmas ornaments in various categories. I search certain keywords like cats every year. Last year I was fixated on small vintage bells. I turned up a box of them that looked like something I gave my mother when I was about eight. They were white china with colored decals of Christmas motifs—Santas, reindeer and such.

 

The EBay item reminded me that the box I bought was the first gift I ever gave someone. I had been so excited! I came across them when I was shopping with my mom and dad. My mother was off somewhere and my father was with me. I was sure she would love the bells and be surprised, since I’d never done that before. I had found them on my own and I used my own money to buy them. It was a wonderful feeling, and it warms my heart even today when I think about it.

 

I remember another early example of my giving. I was perhaps the same age as when I found the bells, probably in 4^th grade. My class was doing a Secret Santa, pulling names from a box. I quietly approached the teacher before the drawing and asked if she could make sure that I got Ruthie’s name. Ruthie was clearly from a family of limited means. Her clothes were worn, almost ragged, not very clean. She lived in a cabin in the wooded hills nearby. I wanted her to have something nice to wear to school. Our teacher was happy to comply.

 

My mother and I bought a pink pullover sweater with a round neck and short sleeves that was half of a twin set. The added cost for the cardigan would have been above the Secret Santa amount and would have looked too much like charity. Doing it through the Santa program meant that Ruthie would not have felt singled out. I remember she looked somewhat surprised, perhaps confused, but pleased with her gift.

 

Many years later, I worked for a company that provided dolls for the employees to dress as part of a Holiday Pageant. The dressed dolls were given to orphanages and hospitals for disadvantaged children. I spent many hours designing and making doll outfits, two each year. I won prizes every time. Some colleagues wondered why I put so much effort into the clothes, and one even asked why I always dressed a Black doll. I simply wanted each little girl to get a beautiful doll that looked like her.

 

 

Looking back, I don’t remember how my mother reacted upon receiving those bells. I don’t remember ever seeing Ruthie wearing the sweater. I certainly never saw any of the little girls who received the dolls in fancy clothes that I made so painstakingly. Of course, I knew that when I was creating them.

 

I realize now that it must have been the act of giving that made me feel so wonderful. I wasn’t thinking about how the gifts would be received. This is, of course, what giving is really about. To be truly in the spirit of this season, one should not make a generous gesture in hopes of getting an expansive thank you.

 

COVID has forced seniors to spend most of our time at home. This has changed the dynamic of my holiday giving. I haven’t gone to any of my usual shopping haunts since Spring. Because I’m not a huge fan of on-line shopping, I’ll be giving the teenagers on my list checks; at their age they’ll probably be happier with that anyway. The adults haven’t been exchanging much in recent years. We’ll likely make contributions to a charity of choice in honor of our recipients. I’m not sure how I’ll be feeling about this year’s giving once the holiday is behind us, but the dynamics of 2020 are not of my making.

 

I used to be obsessively independent. As much as I enjoyed giving, I was uncomfortable being on the receiving end. As I got older, I learned to more gracefully accept gifts and help from others. I’ve recently been diagnosed with lung cancer, with medical procedures in December, possible chemotherapy and more surgery in January. My neighbors in our small community have been unfailingly generous in providing meals and rides as needed.

 

Perhaps all the giving I’ve done over the years was paying it forward for me to be on the receiving end this season. Whatever the reason, as I contemplate the origins of my own giving, I’m grateful that others get as much pleasure from theirs.

 

Copyright 2020 Business Theatre Unlimited