Annual Horoscopes for Seniors

As we round the bend to another year, it’s time to take a peek at the astrological forecasts for seniors for 2022. December is sometimes referred to as National Horoscope Month. It’s really just one more opportunity for media outlets to promote their forecasts. I’m no Linda Goodman, but I’m jumping into the fray by focusing on seniors. Here’s what you can expect for your sun sign next year.

 

APRIL is the month of the fiery sun sign Aries.

This marks the spring equinox and the beginning of a new astrological year. Just in time to file your income tax return, you’ll get a surprise financial windfall, but from where?

·      Publishers Clearing House (the envelope you threw into the recycling pile)

·      The Irish Sweepstakes (that you didn’t enter)

·      A Nigerian prince. Yes, THAT Nigerian prince. (He’s not giving up.)

 

MAY is the month of that bull-headed Taurus.

Sad to say, your unexpected financial windfall in April will be followed in May by a major expense you didn’t plan on. Your car will be in the shop for:

·      Passenger airbag defects

·      A fuel pump leak

·      Rear brakes slippage

 

JUNE is the month for Gemini, that moody, two-faced character.

World music day is celebrated in June in over 1,000 cities worldwide and hundreds in the U.S. alone. Here are just three cities to visit; one is bound to fit your mood. Or not.

·      Latin in Miami

·      Country Western in Nashville

·      Jazz in New Orleans

 

JULY is for Cancer (the crab, not the disease).

The USPS is going to deliver:

·      An overdue bill that was lost in the mail

·      A package that belongs to your neighbor (again)

·      Three solicitations from national charities. Be grateful it’s not more.

 

AUGUST is Leo’s month, that lovable but unpredictable feline!

Be very suspicious when you receive an unexpected message from:

·      The IRS. (But is it really from the IRS?)

·      A grade school friend that you haven’t heard from in 30 years.

·      A distant relative you didn’t know you had. (But is he really your relative?)

 

SEPTEMBER marks Virgo’s domain, the detail-oriented virgin (whose ship has sailed).

If the pandemic put that trip to Portugal on hold, here’s what’s in store now:

·      Your sister’s replaced knees and the power port in your chest will get both of you singled out for extra screening at the airport.

·      Your luggage will get lost on the way over there. Pack your carry-on carefully.

·      The airline you booked will go on strike after you land, stranding you in Europe.

 

OCTOBER is when Libra normally presents a pleasant balance in your life.

Unfortunately, not this year. The holiday season is on its way and that damnable Mercury is in retrograde again. Naturally all your appliances decide to break down.

·      Your water heater (mid shower)

·      Your washing machine (mid load)

·      Your freezer (right after you filled it with holiday food)

 

NOVEMBER is when you’ll feel the sting of that rascal, Scorpio.

If October wasn’t bad enough, a trusted member of your service entourage is going to retire this month. Will it be:

·      Your hairdresser of 25 years?

·      Your cleaning lady of 15 years?

·      Your cardiologist of 20 years?

 

DECEMBER is when Sagittarius takes aim. This year it’s on your modern electronics.

·      You step on your talking scale and it just laughs at you.

·      You ask Alexa to set a timer for your baking and she yells at you: “For the last time, I’m Siri, not Alexa!”

·      Your Smartwatch is serving up only brain teasers and step count reminders.

 

JANUARY belongs to ambitious Capricorn.

Your tendency to break rules will catch up with you this year.

·      Your HOA fines you $500 for keeping your holiday décor up too long.

·      The CIA and the NSA have included you in their investigation of your international Facebook friends.

·      You’re drummed out of your Mahjong group for palming tiles.

 

FEBRUARY celebrates Aquarius in this new Age of Aquarius.

Sadly the sun will not shine in for you this year. Your annual physical will reveal:

·      You’ve gained another five pounds.

·      You should take advantage of that Silver Sneakers offer that your health insurance plan keeps pushing.

·      You need to increase the magnification on your cheater reading glasses. Again.

 

MARCH and Pisces mark world language month and the end of the Astrological year.

It’s an auspicious time to learn a language. Here are 3 challenging ones to for you.

·      Mandarin Chinese—One of the hardest but also most widely spoken worldwide

·      Arabic—Could be useful if you’re ever kidnapped traveling in the Middle East

·      Navajo—So you can supplement Social Security with work as a code-breaker

 

There you have it. Twelve months of 2022’s astrological predictions just for seniors. And you thought 2021 was a bad year.

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

Crayon Colors for Seniors

 All this time stuck at home has led to folks taking up old-fashioned hobbies to keep from going stir crazy. Many of us have discovered (or rediscovered) jigsaw puzzles. Another trend that had already begun before the pandemic is adult coloring books. And by that, I don’t mean X-rated. I mean ones with more complex patterns, like Indian mandalas, designed to appeal to adults.

 

I’ve noticed some interesting books on this trend, and I’ve seen new crayon colors on back-to-school promotions. But I haven’t seen crayons created especially for seniors. Here’s good news for people who’ve been wishing for those. I’ve put together a new selection with colors that reflect seniors’ every day lives.

 

It begins with some hair shades that once were popular with little old ladies. Clairol Blue in the seniors 24-pack is trendier than the color older women used to dye their hair. It’s kind of punk, for those of you who march to your own drummer. L’Oreal Purple is an alternative to Clairol Blue. Some of you will prefer the more predictable blue; others will go all out with this purple. Enhance your coloring book designs by using both.

 

Keeping in this segment of the color wheel, the ever-essential Velcro Violet matches the sparks you see when you undo Velcro straps in a dimly lit room. Bad Mood Indigo is much darker than Velcro Violet, for when your frame of mind is truly gloomy. I perk up the wheel and your spirits with Widow Scarlet, an uplifting shade for any woman who finds herself on her own at this stage of life.

 

Moving on I have another bright choice that’s even more invigorating than Widow Scarlet. Roadster Red is the red-family crayon that men will grab as soon as their pack is opened. Sporty women will gravitate toward it, too. Rolling along the color wheel, no seniors 24-pack would be complete without Golf Cart Green. I’ve included this one expressly for duffers, and there are plenty of you in senior communities. Parked nearby in the pack, you’ll find Scooter Orange. Vroom! Vroom!

 

I’ve included a potpourri of interesting and livelier colors. In the game zone, I have Shuffleboard Disc Blue-green, inspired by that game’s energy. Spread it around with gusto! Chardonnay Yellow was a no-brainer. It matches the wine that is served at every Mahjong game. If you’re not a fan of Chardonnay, you might enjoy using Rosé Rose, a trendy alternative to heavy wine shades in the red family.

 

Other semi-bright colors reflect seniors’ physical issues and commonly prescribed medications. Bat Wing Pink is mostly for women. I’m sure some men get bat wings, too, but for some reason we notice them most on our female friends. Add to your pink tones with Cataracts Carnation. It’s brighter than Bat Wing Pink and can mimic a prism when scattered throughout a design. Scooter Orange too bright for your tastes? Choose Diuretic Apricot as a soothing alternative. On the other hand, Statin Cerulean is a stimulating shade in the blue-green family that will enliven any design.

 

Crayons in the brown family, though less exciting, are a must-have in any set. No senior crayon pack would be complete without Liver Spot Brown. Another obvious choice, Neck Wattle Beige makes an appropriate companion. In related medication colors, you’ll find Beta-Blocker Umber. It’s deep and earthy, an essential brown shade. Last in this subset is the ever-popular Earwax Mustard. Benjamin Moore was the source for the particular shade in the seniors 24-pack. Practice your colorist skills by blending these four together.

 

Crayons in the white and gray families are also staples of a proper set. The simple yet sophisticated Mahjong Tile Ivory is a useful neutral color. One of the lighter colors named for senior medications is Plavix Pearl, part of a calming palette. Nana White will become a favorite color for those of you who have grandchildren. Many older ladies will gravitate toward Goat Hair Silver. It was created to match those unsightly brittle hairs that sprout on our necks after a certain age. Finally, there’s Old Hag Wart Grey. Though named for females, even men should feel free to use this one.

 

There you have it—the new and exciting crayons created especially for seniors. Look for them soon in a store near you. Not available yet on Amazon, but I’m working on it.

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited.

"Fishing" for Seniors

Many of you will have heard of “catfishing.” It’s the scam used on social media sites wherein a person pretends to be someone totally different from who they really are in an effort to get personal information from strangers. I recently read about “dogfishing.” That’s a ploy that singles use as a way to meet other singles. They borrow a cute dog from someone and take it to a public place, hoping to catch the attention of someone who might not otherwise notice them.

The thinking is that cute dogs are irresistible, making their owners more attractive. Of course, this is a bait-and-switch game, since the person who borrowed Pepper doesn’t have a dog of his or her own. But the hope is that by the time the ruse is exposed, a legitimate connection will have been made. This seems harmless enough, so I decided to adapt the concept especially for single seniors.

My husband and I live on a golf course, but we don’t play. It turns out many of our neighbors don’t either and some of them are single. This gave me an idea. If you happen to be similarly situated, don’t let this prevent you from attracting the attention of a desirable mate. Just go “golffishing.” Borrow a bag and some clubs from a friend or neighbor. Position yourself near the golf cart rental station and wait for a potential mate to strike up a conversation. You might have to tip one of the staff if you plan to be there awhile, but it will be worth it.

“Golffishing” not your game? Here’s an option anyone can use: “cheffishing.” Even if all you can do is boil water, you can work this one to your advantage. Invite a group of single seniors to a brunch to sample your favorite appetizers. Order them from one of those on-line delivery services. Be sure to toss the food containers into your trash bins in the garage before anyone arrives. Scatter some appropriate recipe cards around your kitchen counter. The saying is that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Truth is: women are just as taken by a man who can cook, especially if he cleans up after himself. By the time anyone figures out that you ordered in, you’ll likely have found some other common ground to mitigate your deception.

Let’s work with a quality many folks are drawn to: physical fitness. For this one, invest in some famous label exercise gear. Under Armour is popular now. Get yourself a senior membership at a local workout place, preferably not the Y. Suit up and go “gymfishing.” This is another ploy that will work equally for both sexes. Someone who is an exercise fanatic normally won’t look twice at a person who is out of shape. And let’s face it, most seniors are. But if you seem like you’re serious about toning up, it’s a whole other ballgame. Nothing says serious better than  $150 worth of spandex and a pricey gym membership.

If physical fitness isn’t in your wheelhouse, how about reading? Even faux intellectuals can pull this one off. Joining a book club may seem obvious, but unless you’re a widower, it’s not a good idea. First, you’d have to actually read the selected book if you expect to last more than one session. Second, if you’re female, you’ll be in competition with several other women. Many of them will be vying for the attention of the scarce men to be found at these gatherings. The best places for bookfishing are your local library or a quiet park bench. Wear your reading glasses.

Of course, the ultimate come-on for most seniors is the doting grandparent. Women in particular find that irresistible. If you have grandchildren of your own, borrow them for this gambit even if they drive you crazy. Don’t have your own? Ask around your neighborhood. There’s bound to be a harried mom somewhere who’ll be grateful to have you watch Junior for a few hours. The trick with “grandfishing” is to find the right venue to settle into with your charge. Indoor malls where seniors go to walk in small groups is a good place to start. With just one little fellow in tow, you’ll have the chance to check out several potential matches.

These are just a few suggestions to get you started. Pay attention to what seems to interest the singles in your community and you’ll get other “fishing” ideas that could work for you. Of course, there’s always that universal lure—“dogfishing.” Why not borrow a dog from the local shelter? At our age there’s no shame in what we do for love. You might even decide to adopt for real.

Copyright 2019 Elaine M. Decker

Nihilistic Security Questions for Seniors

One of the funnier Facebook posts going around is a list of Nihilistic Security Questions. Instead of frothy ones like “What is the name of your first pet?” it includes such witty inquiries as “What is the name of your least favorite child?” and “In what city did you first experience ennui?” I decided to have some fun with similarly nihilistic questions for seniors. As you might expect, this post pretty much wrote itself. Herewith, my “dirty dozen.”

How soon before your planned retirement date did you realize you couldn’t afford to retire?

How many times a night do you get out of bed to go to the bathroom?

Bifocals or trifocals?

How many inches have you shrunk in the past 5 years?

What is the name of your favorite OTC acid-reflux medication?

How long does it take you to get into a pair of Spanx? And out of them?

How many times have you left your cane on the commuter train?

Name your favorite rock’n’roll star who died before you graduated from high school.

Which emergency service provider do you have on speed dial?

How many miles can you drive at night before the halos around the street lights drive you crazy?

How many cats would you have if your condo community didn’t have a limit of two pets per household?

And finally:

How many Facebook friends did you change to “acquaintance” during the 2016 Presidential season?

Theme Songs for Seniors

The popular songs of our youth and our salad years continue to evoke a visceral reaction when we hear them on the radio or other media. Often they transport us back to a period or a specific event in our lives, usually one that calls up fond memories. Sadly, our current circumstances and especially our bodies aren’t quite up to the task of recreating those times in reality. Because of this, I’m rethinking some classic tunes to provide more age appropriate images.

The song that immediately comes to my mind as having new meaning is Hank Locklin’s 1960 hit: Please Help Me I’m Falling. No longer about love, this is to be taken literally. It brings up some related titles with slightly new lyrics. “Walk right in, trip right down, daddy let your pants hang down.” This 1963 Rooftop Singers hit is now a call to action: tighten your Sansabelts or get some suspenders. For women there’s the variation of Nancy Sinatra’s 1966 chart topper: These Danskos Are Made for Walkin’.

This brings me to the subject of downsizing our homes and looking for a place with a first floor master suite so there are fewer stairs to deal with. Remember The Animals 1965 smash We Gotta Get Out of This Place? You’ll know it’s time if your new favorite oldie is Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head, best known as the theme song from the movie Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. A smaller house means fewer entrances and One Less Bell to Answer (á la the 5^th Dimension in 1970).

Another group of tunes that have strong connections to seniors are sleep-related. Sometimes it’s due to a snoring spouse—All Night Long (Lionel Ritchie 1983). Sometimes it’s just chronic insomnia. Or too much caffeine late in the day. Or not enough wine in the evening. All of which lead us to the 5^th Dimension’s I Didn’t Get To Sleep At All (but not for the reasons they had in mind in 1972). How about Simon & Garfunkel’s Sounds of Silence as a wishful-thinking lullaby?

We also have some songs that relate directly to health issues that are common among folks my age. I especially like Jay and the Americans’ 1964 hit, Come A Little Bit Closer, because I can’t hear you when you’re So Far Away (thank you Carole King). Or my favorite before-and-after pairing of adapted lyrics. “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s a cataract.” Followed after successful laser surgery with “I can see clearly now the film is gone.”

Then there’s the revisionary tune for diabetics—A Spoonful of Splenda (Makes the Medicine Go Down). Thanks to The Searchers in 1964, we also have a title for the sensation older folks often get in their toes at night: Needles and Pins.

Once we retire, we don’t get regular social updates at the office anymore. Unless everyone we care about is active on Facebook, you can be pretty certain that if we know what’s going on, it’s because, like Marvin Gaye, we Heard It Through the Grapevine.

We also have some senior anthems that need no explanation. They’ve simply taken on new importance as we’ve aged. There’s the 1964 Bob Dylan classic The Times They Are A Changin’. They are indeed, and the smart ones among us are committed to changing along with them. That’s because, to quote the Bee Gees, we know that it’s one of the best ways to keep Stayin’ Alive.

Senior Flirting Techniques

Ah, Spring! The season of bare limbs and flirtatious behavior! The older we get, the less we’re inclined to bare things. But age is no reason to stop flirting. We simply need to adjust our techniques to be age-appropriate. Here are some guidelines for seniors who still enjoy this time-honored spring ritual.

If you wear reading glasses—and who doesn’t?—slide them slowly up off the bridge of your nose and perch them on top of your head. Follow this motion with a smile and lean forward toward the object of your flirtation. You’ll need to lean in to see him or her clearly without your glasses in any case, so the move has double benefits.

Carry a package of straws at all times. When you see someone flirt-worthy, put a straw in your drink. Swirl it around and stroke the end of it sensuously. Remember the chess scene with Faye Dunaway and Steve McQueen in The Thomas Crown Affair? (If you have 6 minutes, watch the seduction on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVp9v9kCXE8.) You can use this technique with almost any drink, including prune juice. But if your choice of orange juice is high-pulp, best to try something else.

Bake some brownies in the shape of hearts and offer to share them. Break the heart in two—a matching half for each of you. Making “brannies” (bran-muffin brownies) is especially thoughtful. In the current food climate, finding a gluten-free recipe is also a wise move. My niece, Pam, can probably help with that.

If you have a First-Alert alarm button that hangs around your neck, twirl it with your index finger. You might have to practice this in front of a mirror a few times. If you accidentally push the button, you can quickly cancel the rescue service without any embarrassing explanation. Once you have it perfected, try it on your intended paramour.

Tie a colorful bandana around your neck and coyly chew on one of the ends. This has the added benefit of hiding most of your wrinkles or your “natty” (neck wattle). Make sure you have plucked all your “stiffies” (bristly goat hairs on your chin) before you do this, lest you draw extra attention to them. Men can adapt this by using a necktie. Drape it around your neck, one end looped simply over the other, like you did on the knob of your dorm room door if you had a female guest when you were in college.

If you’re a senior who now uses a walker to get around, you have yet another way of flirting with your companions. Gently rock the legs of the walker back and forth in place. If you can manage without falling over, rotate your hips in a clockwise circle (think hula hoop motion). Hum a provocative tune while you do this. Some good songs to consider: I’m In the Mood for Love, For Your Eyes Only and I Can’t Help Falling in Love. All romantic, but low impact. Be sure not to trip when you hum that last one.

Here’s a variation on the drinking straw flirtation. If you’re in a home environment, slather your feet with baby oil. Then slide one foot in and out of your slipper very slowly. When the oil on that foot has soaked in, switch to the other one. You may have to repeat this a few times to get a response from your paramour. Don’t try to re-oil your feet during the process. No one wants to see what goes on behind the curtain…

Fan yourself with a Victoria’s Secret catalog. You can open it to an appropriate page (no flannel pajamas, please) or just flash the cover his way. Do not use the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition as an alternative. Picturing someone our age in one of those skimpy bikinis will have the opposite effect from what we’re trying to achieve here. It might even provoke a heart episode.

If you’re one of the rare seniors who are tech savvy, take some provocative selfies and show them to your target. Borrow a teenaged relative’s smart phone to get some ideas of poses. Anything with your tongue, an earlobe or some cleavage (women only, please) should work. Best not to combine any two of these in one photo, however.

This list should provide a useful launch pad for your flirtation journey. What are you waiting for? Get started right now. You can thank me later.

On-Line Meeting Groups for Retirees

You’re no doubt aware of websites like ChristianMingle.com that promise to successfully match up folks who share specific interests. Recently I saw an ad for a group I hadn’t realized needed help finding soulmates. It’s called FarmersOnly.com. They’re probably just cashing in on the fact that this season’s Bachelor (the ABC juggernaut) has a farmer from Iowa. Still, it suggests the potential for sites specific to retirees’ interests.

Let’s start with ones that bring together folks who share health issues that plague seniors. I hesitate to bring up gastric reflux, but older folks often experience this problem. If your ex-spouse found your digestive sound effects embarrassing, check out PardonMyBurp.com for your next relationship. For a slight extra fee, we’ll find someone whose reflux acts up after eating the same foods that plague you. We’re here to serve.

Arthritis sufferers will give a crooked thumbs up to StiffJoints.gov. Everyone here will be committed to one-floor living. Neither stair nor step will be found in their condos. There will even be a subgroup for those who swear by homeopathic remedies. My husband will be a special consultant to this site.

Having trouble with the fine print now that your arms have shrunk? Always misplacing your reading glasses? We have the perfect group for you. With a partner from MyGlassesOrYours.org there will be twice as many pairs around the house, so you’ll always have one handy when you need it. We are so there already in our household.

Next we have industry-based sites like the one that caters to those formerly in finance and banking. We’ll call it StillMakingMoneyTalk.com. We expect strong membership in the Carolinas. These guys will debate the virtues of a 40-year mortgage for someone who is collecting Social Security. The one we create for retirees from the garment business, SchmatteMates.com, will be advertised heavily in Florida. Our followers will spend their time bemoaning how Walmart is killing domestic production.

Another way to bring older folks together is by matching key areas of interest in their retirement. We’ll skip over the obvious cat lovers and dog adorers and go straight to DotingGramps.edu. Those who find their counterpart in this group will want to maintain separate finances. It’s one thing to share photos and bragging rights. But when it comes to the will, most folks won’t. (Share with someone else’s grandkids, that is.)

We can also make matches based on pet peeves. More specifically, we’ll screen out potential mates who engage in the behavior you find annoying. ShootTheSnorers.com members will be sure that they’ll sleep peacefully with a partner discovered on our carefully-screened site.  Those who join OutiesOnly.com won’t find themselves picking lint out of their spouse’s belly button every Sunday morning. I cannot overstate the importance of these types of pairings.

Another set of criteria we’ll use is behaviors—those things we do more of when we have extra leisure time. I can’t explain why some of these become prominent in retirement; I just know they do. Take for example making lists. I’ve always been a list maker, but I’m a borderline addict now. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid I’ll forget things. Of course, the more lists I have, the more I’m more prone to losing them. If you’d love to be an item on someone else’s list, sign on to ListLoversItems.com.

My husband has inspired the creation of a group for those who have succumbed to mumbling in their retirement. I can’t explain this one either. At first I thought it was my hearing that was going on the fritz. Then I noticed that he frequently has to repeat himself when he’s on the phone, and not just with strangers. His store staff seems to be asking “Say what?” all the time, too. For those who feel a kindred calling, check out MumblesMeMmbl.com.

Finally we have those who’ve fallen hostage to the family room couch. This happens gradually. One day you realize you’ve been in front of the TV for hours. You’d read a book, but you’ve misplaced your last pair of 3.25 magnifiers. Your condo has a lovely three-season sun porch, and you buy a laptop so you can enjoy the 270-degree view while you work. And yet… You’re still on the couch and it’s getting indentations like the ones in Norman Bates’ mom’s bed. Look for us on MashedCouchPototoes.com.

I expect some of my partnering sites will be more popular than others. But if FarmersOnly.com turns out to be a moneymaker, for sure there are at least a few cash cows among my ideas. Moo.

In Search of the Perfect Sunglasses

September may seem an odd time to write about sunglasses, but my friend, Sid, has pointed out that seniors should protect their eyes with sunglasses all year long. Also, in case you didn’t notice, I was on posting hiatus all summer while I was in housing (and Internet) limbo. That’s when one of the morning TV shows ran a feature on sunglasses.

The hosts modeled a variety of designs, from aviators to oversized “glamour” styles. I recognized many of them as looks I’ve worn over the years. Some dated back to the sixties and early seventies and could best be described as retro-hippie. Others were inspired by celebrities who popularized them via publicity shots for a hit movie or in a “selfie” posted on Instagram.

The TV segment made me realize that the needs I have now in sunglasses are vastly different from what I looked for in my earlier years. While I'm attracted to ones that are stylish, I’ve reached the “function vs. form” stage of my life. It’s not important for me to look trendy. What’s essential is that I don’t trip or bump into things when I’m wearing them and that I’m not blinded by the midday sun. There are a few additional requirements that I look for in the perfect sunglasses.

One thing I can’t stand in any type of glasses is rims that block vision clarity. I don’t want to keep looking to the side to see what’s there when it’s actually the frames that are distracting me. Likewise, I don’t want to have to keep tipping my head up or down so the upper edge isn’t smack in the middle of the wine label I’m trying to read. I’m not a bobble-head doll.

A related pet peeve is openings on the sides of sunglasses that let glare in. This means that some amount of wrap-around is in order. But at our age, we’re no Bono. We’re not even Bono-wannabes. Our mantra is “everything in moderation.” Well, everything except wine, that is.

Speaking of age, bifocals are important, even in sunglasses, but they shouldn’t be visibly bi. I want to wear the same pair when I’m reading a book by the pool as I do when I’m driving. If I need two separate pairs, I’m bound to get them mixed up. I’ll be wondering why I have to hold the book so far away to read the print and why I have to lean over the steering wheel to see what’s in front of my car. I’ve done dual-pairs-on-dueling-leashes before and I almost strangled myself more than once. It wasn’t pretty.

Also along the lines of dual functions, the automatic transition from outdoors to indoors would be helpful. We make plenty of trips to the bathroom at our age. A quick changeover from sunlight to a darker room would be a plus, since we won’t always have time to take off our sunglasses before we head to the loo. If you’ve ever sneezed when looking into the sun, you know what I’m talking about.

Moving on to cosmetic issues, the sunglasses must be light enough so they don’t leave a ridge on the bridge of my nose, or skin flaps on its sides. My mother had those marks from wearing her regular glasses all the time. When working indoors, I check my nose in the mirror several times a day. If I see even a hint of a ridge or a flap, I massage in some Nivea and take the glasses off for a spell. I’m not vain enough to carry a mirror around outside, so my sunglasses will have to prevent this problem on their own merit.

Those of us of a certain age need sunglasses of moderate size, regardless of whatever is the current trend. They can’t be too big. We’re not Sophia Loren or Elton John, after all. And they can’t be too small. We’re also not Yoko Ono or Benjamin Franklin. The best way to be sure you’re picking a “moderate” size is to lay out a group of glasses that meet all the other above requirements. Then throw out the largest and the smallest ones. What’s left should be acceptable.

Finally, the perfect sunglasses must be affordably priced without doing one of those “buy-one-get-second-pair-at half-off” deals that usually wind up costing more than twice what buying just one should cost. I’m not looking for something from the dollar store. I just don’t want the cost eating into my wine budget. After all, not even a perfect pair of sunglasses is worth giving up a nice bottle of Chianti Classico.

Red Velvet Fever

A few months back I was salivating over the Cinnabon craze. I shared a number of product line extensions and licenses introduced by the owner of that trademark. I also had some sweet ideas of my own. Today’s post is in a similar vein. It was inspired by the NY Times article: “Red Velvet Cake: A Classic, not a Gimmick.” In my shrine of confectionary treasures, Red Velvet Cake (RVC) would be right up there next to the Cinnabon.

The Times article describes RVC as having “cocoa undertones and cream-cheese tang” that can easily be recreated in a lab. Adams Extract Company markets an RV cake mix complete with bottles of the extract and red dye. Some of the non-edible RVC products available are the predictable scented candles and air fresheners. Less yawn-inducing are the body mist and red velvet vodka.

As I did with the Cinnabon, I’ve conjured up some products for retirees that incorporate the undertones and tang of red velvet. I doubt any of my ideas will outshine the red velvet waffles served at Freddy J’s BBQ in Buffalo, but here goes.

The first items on my list are Red Velvet Bath Sponges and Shower Poufs. Retirees are sometimes tempted to substitute a quick sink-side swish of the important areas for a full shower on days when we have no plans to go out. Our dermatologists may even have suggested that our aging skin will fare better without a ritual scrubbing every day. It will be hard to resist a hot shower, or even a lukewarm bath, if the aroma of RVC is wafting in the air. Your unexpected guests will thank me for this.

Taking the body mist idea into a more functional mode, RVC Insect Repellent will allow us to lounge a bit longer on the patio at sundown without fear of being “eaten alive,” as my mother used to say. The RVC formulation will be so treacly that most mosquitos will want no part of it. Those that are brave enough to land on your skin will keel over from cloying nostrils, or whatever part of the anatomy an insect breathes through.

Seniors will be especially excited to try Powdered RVC Psyllium Husks. This new source of fiber is expected to sell three times the volume of orange-flavored Metamucil. I can’t believe Procter & Gamble has owned that staple of retirement for almost thirty years and they never thought of a RVC line extension.

I’m also hopping on one of the hottest beverage crazes, energy drinks, by introducing RVC Vitamin Water. Actually, I can’t call it Vitamin Water; that’s a trademark. So I’ll call it Red Velvet Cake Vigor Eau. Rhymes with Figaro. Google tells me there’s a men’s cologne called Vigor, or more correctly: Vigor Eau de Toilette. But since you don’t drink that (or at least, you’re not supposed to), I think I’ll be OK with my RVC Vigor Eau.

If the reason you crave Vigor Eau is that you’ve been exercising strenuously, there’s a good chance (as an older person) that you’ve sprained something and need to wear an Ace bandage for awhile. To help take the sting out of the experience, I’ve created a Red Velvet Cake Elastic Wrap. Every time you unroll it and stretch it around your sprain, you get a fresh whiff of RVC. Almost makes it worth working out. I said almost.

One of my favorite new products are my Red Velvet Slipper Socks, and not just because they are, of course, red. They’re knitted of chenille yarn soaked in genuine red velvet extract from the Adams Extract Company. The toes have packets of cream-cheese-flavored body lotion so they moisturize while you walk. If your partner has a foot fetish, expect lots of massages and some toe-licking—a win-win. Or not.

Finally, I’m line extending one of the items I developed in response to the Cinnabon Craze. Soon you’ll be able to buy Red Velvet Cake Postage Stamps. As with the Cinnabon ones, they’ll be the type you have to lick. So they’ll not only smell good, they’ll taste great. I’ve decided these stamps are such a brilliant idea that I’m working on an Americana Baked Goods collection for the USPS. In addition to the Cinnabon and RVC, you’ll get Carrot Cake and Strawberry Shortcake stamps—four options on one block! You can thank me later.

Redefining GMOs

When General Mills announced that it is changing the production of its original Cheerios to eliminate all Genetically Modified Organisms, it propelled GMOs into the forefront of health controversies in the U.S.

GMOs are biological entities that have been tinkered with scientifically to enhance growth, spur resistance to disease, or otherwise improve the viable yield of crops. DNA material that has been genetically altered is inserted into these organisms with the approval of the FDA.

Newsflash! The GMOs that we really need are Geriatrically Modified Organisms—ones tweaked to maximize compatibility with the constitutions and lifestyles of today’s seniors. Companies that hop on this will make a truckload of money. Here are some tips to help them get started.

The elderly are counseled to cut down on red meat and eat more fruits and vegetables. The first part of that prescription isn’t too difficult to follow. Older teeth have a harder time chewing the sinews of red meat anyway. Our challenge is eating more vegetables, especially the frequently touted nightshades.

Imagine if cauliflower and Brussels sprouts, broccoli and even mushrooms had their DNA reconfigured to reduce the gas buildup in our GI tracts! As long as they’re in the lab anyway, could scientists maybe give us some lettuce we can chew without having to cut it with a knife?

Geriatrics have a laundry list of beloved foods that could have their salt reduced. Top of my list would be the wonderful hard cheeses that I crave every afternoon. And most evenings. And occasionally late mornings. It would be a plus if the chemists could also reduce their fat level without compromising on flavor.

Here’s one that could present a challenge even to Nobel-prize-winning biologists. Get rid of the acid in tomatoes. I’m half Italian, so I love my sauce. Or as my aunts used to call it: gravy. (My mother married a non-Italian, so in our household, gravy was brown. If it was red, it was sauce.) I’ll steam cauliflower and drown in it sauce-gravy as a healthy pasta substitute if I’m guaranteed a gas and reflux-free evening. Especially if I can top it with low-salt grated Parmesan.

Those of us with what I’ll lump into the category of “architectural enhancements” to our teeth have other issues. My personal bugaboo is caps, but I’m sure that bridges and dentures behave the same, if not worse. All types of food get stuck in the crevices and under the edges. Sesame seeds aren’t the only culprits that lurk there.

Take nuts, for instance. I love nuts and they’re relatively healthy. But I’m picking and flossing the pieces for days after I eat them. Ditto for broiled chicken. Genetically modify to address this, and I will be putty in your non-latex gloved hands, Mr. Biochemist.

Every week I hear about some new health problem that’s linked to inflammation and the foods that cause it. It’s not just the joint pain that comes with arthritis, an almost-inevitable consequence of aging. Heart disease is now reputed to be aggravated by foods that cause inflammation. These are frequently the same ones that contribute to high blood pressure and high cholesterol. By GMOing the inflammation inducers, we can knock off multiple geriatric ailments.

Since we can’t fix all of those at once, let researchers focus on this manageable list: sugar and refined carbs, egg yolks, bacon, shrimp, butter, and the most popular cheeses. For the record, I’ve never liked bacon and I rarely eat mac and cheese. But I know these are comfort foods for the rest of the world, and I’m nothing if not considerate of my fellow retirees.

Finally, no post that touches on things that pass my lips would be complete without addressing wine. From my vantage point, there are two ways that GMOs could improve my vino experience. The first would be to alter the DNA of the sulfites that are used as preservatives in less expensive wines. It’s not that I’m such a wine snob that I appreciate only the pricier vintages. OK. Maybe it is a little bit that. But it’s more that sulfites make me sneeze and give me headaches.

While scientists are massaging the grapes, I’d appreciate whatever they can do to address one other senior pitfall of imbibing. That is, the alcohol-induced snooze. I’m not asking for much—just two glasses without having my eyelids start to droop.

Those who are adamantly opposed to having Genetically Modified Organisms in our food supply are probably cringing right now. But we of a certain age believe that Geriatrically Modified Organisms should earn their developers a “Noble” Prize. I’ll drink to that.

Yoga for Seniors

Are you interested in lowering your BMI (Body Mass Index)? If your lingerie budget is as skimpy as mine post-retirement, before you spring for the caffeine panties I wrote about last week, you might want to look into yoga exercises. They not only relax you and tone your body, they’re purported to help keep your weight under control.

There are quite a few exercises that shouldn’t be too challenging for seniors, but would still provide benefits. Several of them can be done using chairs and walls, and therefore don’t require us to get down on a mat. Or more importantly, to get up from one when we’re done. However, most of the ones I’m sharing today have you at least partly on the floor. You can thank me later.

Yoga helps stretch our muscles, ligaments and tendons. It also improves our flexibility and increases our range of motion, all admirable objectives. According to health.howstuffworks.com, “you don't need to be able to tie yourself in knots to become more flexible.” That’s a relief. I always thought that true yogis needed the ability to turn themselves into pretzels. On that note, let’s try some poses.

We’re starting with the One-legged Breaking Wind Pose to help get rid of excess stomach gas. Lie on your back with arms and legs extended. Exhale, draw your knees to your chest and clasp your hands around them until you break wind. Straighten just your left leg, extending it along the floor. Then bring your left knee back to your chest and hold until you fart again. Release and extend your right leg. Bring your right knee back to your chest and exhale for one final wind breaker. I hope you feel better now.

Legs in Parentheses improves flexibility and has been adapted especially for seniors. Sit on the floor and spread your legs apart as much as you comfortably can. If you’re able to straighten them quite widely, by all means, go for the traditional Legs in V. But feel free to bend your knees slightly into parentheses. Lean forward and feel your leg muscles stretching as you count to ten. Lean back. Repeat.

The Shiva Shiver is an obscure yoga pose that helps you lose weight. Supposedly, if you shiver for one hour, you burn 400 calories. Stand in front of your freezer in your underwear. Open the door and put your head inside. Within a few minutes, you should start to shiver. Stay like this for 15 minutes and you’ll burn 100 calories. Hint: empty the freezer out first, in case you fall in, and set a timer to revive you when you’re done. The Shiva Shiver gives new meaning to the phrase “freezer burn.”

Quarter Spinal Twist is great for women with osteoporosis; it lengthens and strengthens your spine. So put on some Chubby Checker and let’s do The Twist. Sit with the bottoms of your feet under your butt. Then place your left foot flat on the floor next to your right knee. If you can’t reach the floor with your foot flat, touch with just your toe. Twist to the left a quarter turn until your foot comes off the floor, or until your muffin top pinches. Switch feet and legs and twist again.

One of my favorite positions is Downward Facing Cat. It helps us strengthen our abdominal and back muscles, improving our balance. Get down on all fours, like a cat. If you’re not sure how this looks, go to your local animal shelter and adopt a cat. Bring it home and watch it for a few hours. Then stretch like your feline friend, rounding your spine, with your head down. DoingA360.com/Basic-Yoga-Poses says: “As you reverse this… the head comes up and the belly droops.” Boy, have I got this position covered!

The unfortunately-named Corpse pose helps you relax at the end of your yoga session. I didn’t need a website to tell me that. I doze off almost every time I do the Corpse. I just never had a name for it. Climbing the Wall is a variation for seniors. Lie on your back on the floor with legs straight up against a wall, arms slightly out from your sides. Then wiggle around. It’s a good way to scratch your back when it’s driving you crazy. It’s also the end of our session.

Master these six yoga poses and you’ll be well on your way to senior Nirvana, with lower blood pressure, better balance and improved flexibility. Some of you will also have a lower BMI and a new cat to keep you warm. I’m here to serve.