Euphemisms and Idioms

A recent TV program on political scandals reminded me of a euphemism that was popular during one of those scandals. Former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford had gone to Argentina to spend time with his mistress. Their relationship had been a secret up until then. He told his staff that he would be hiking the Appalachian Trail. When his affair came to light, the phrase: “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” became a euphemism for having an extramarital affair.

I love that expression! It’s a civil way to say something critical. It set me to wondering what other clever euphemisms and idioms I had forgotten about or never known. (Idioms also aren’t direct, but they’re not always nice.) A few are political, but not all. We have Southern culture to thank for many of these colorful colloquialisms, a lot of which feature farm animals.

Here are some of my favorites. This one was used recently by a member of Congress to criticize a budget proposal. He said it was a “Pig’s Breakfast.” That was new to me. I looked it up. It’s a Southernism for an unappealing mixture, a mess.

A crossword puzzle answer that was also new to me was “Goat Rodeo.” It describes something that has gone totally wrong, an ultimate SNAFU. I immediately pictured said rodeo and it was easy to imagine it going totally wrong, no mater how cute the little goatees were. I’m waiting to hear a member of Congress describe a session of that august body as a goat rodeo. There will likely be many opportunities. “That dog won’t hunt” was also in a recent puzzle, meaning that an idea or approach is destined to fail. If that phrase hasn’t been used yet in Congress, you can bet it will be eventually.

Another of my favorites is “The Full Monty.” It first came across my radar via a movie of that title. The expression originated as the shortened version of the “Full Montgomery,” the big English breakfast favored by British General Bernard Montgomery. By the time of the movie in 1997, it had come to be a euphemism for “total nudity.” Today it’s used broadly to mean the most that you can have or achieve, or more simply: the works.

We can thank Texas for a refined way to say someone brags shamelessly about his non-existent wealth or assets. “He’s all hat and no cattle” is a phrase you’ve probably heard. Credit to the late Roger Moore in a Hallmark movie for the female equivalent: “All fur coat and no knickers.”

Staying with farm animals and Southernisms, I like the polite way to let a man know his fly is down. “The barn door’s open and the mule’s trying to run.” It was new to me, and I’ll be on the lookout for an opportunity to use it. Also likely from the South, here’s a colorful way to say someone is cheap. “He’ll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams” is much more evocative than calling someone a “penny-pincher.”

Instead of saying someone looks tired, say he looks like he has “one wheel down and the axle dragging.” It’s very likely Southern, but I can’t say for certain. Ditto for using “the green apple two-step” as a euphemism for diarrhea. The last in this trio sounds very Southern to me, as a way to say there’s a problem. “A yellow jacket in the outhouse” is certainly something a person doing the green apple two-step would rather not hear!

 There are dozens of idioms for saying someone is not very smart. You’ve probably heard most of them; I had, but new to me was: “She’s one bubble off plumb.” Not new to me, the following: “One brick short of a load.” “Not playing with a full deck.” “Two tacos short of a combination platter.” “Doesn’t have both oars in the water.” “The elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.” “The lights are on but nobody’s home.” In the South, it’s “The porch lights are on…” There are many more ways to say someone isn’t smart, but this list should more than meet your needs.

Euphemisms and idioms are all around us. As soon as I put this essay to bed, I’m sure I’ll come across several more I would have wanted to include. Start your own collection!

Copyright 2024 Business Theatre Unlimited

Pedicure Guidelines for Seniors

 As we get older, it becomes more and more difficult to do our own pedicures. I’ve put together some guidelines especially for seniors. I’m also including some information to help you allocate time for the job.

 

The first thing you’ll want to do is to collect all the tools you’ll need for your pedicure. You don’t want to have to stop part way into the process to search for something essential. If you’re a senior, here’s what you should gather up.

·      3.5 or 4.0 magnifier reading glasses

·      Nail clipper for arthritic hands

·      Nail file or emery board

·      Cotton balls

·      Peroxide or antibiotic salve

·      Extra-wide foot rasp or number 60 or 80-grit sand paper

·      Miracle skin softener lotion

Once you have all of these items collected, you’re ready to attack your feet.

 

The Basic Procedure

 

Getting started on your pedicure is one of the most difficult parts of the process for a senior. You’ll probably want to sit down for this. Stretching to reach your feet may well be the most time-consuming step in the job. Once you can reach them, take inventory of your toes to be sure you can locate all ten.

 

If you happen to be one of the folks who have a hammer toe, be sure to include that odd little sucker in your count. I dated someone with a hammer toe in college, and it was strange to look at. His was the pinky toe and it rested on top of the piggy who didn’t have any roast beef. Stranger still, he wound up marrying a woman who also had a hammer toe. Perhaps even stranger, I know this because I was one of her bridesmaids. You’ll probably need to allow extra time to trim and file a hammer toenail.

 

Once you’re sure that you’ve located ten toes, you can begin clipping your nails. The special clippers for arthritic hands are a blessing and worth the investment. Focus on the center of each toenail. Don’t clip too close to the sides or you could wind up with ingrown nails down the line. Use the nail file or emery board to finish off the sides of the nail and smooth any rough edges. I usually start with my big toe and work my way down to the pinky toe. You can do the reverse if you prefer. It doesn’t really matter, as long as you proceed in sequence.

 

Once you’ve finished the basics, it’s time to get back up. Don’t forget that you have two feet to trim, so check them both before you consider the job done! If you’re reasonably fit, it should take less time to get up than it did to stretch to reach your toes. Now it’s time for your post-pedicure clean up and polishing.

 

How Long Each Step Will Take

·      Stretching to reach your toes                     40%

·      Taking inventory of your toes                    10%

·      Clipping your nails                                        20%

·      Filing the rough edges that remain          14%

·      Getting back up when you’re done           16%

 

Post-Pedicure Clean up and Polishing

 

If you have any bleeding from your efforts, treat the toe with the peroxide on a cotton ball or dab some antibiotic salve on it. When you’ve completed your basic pedicure and any post-pedicure treatment, you should really buff your heels with the foot rasp or sand paper that you have in your tools. Then cream your feet. 

 

 

 

Your feet should now look so beautiful that you’ll want to go out and buy some new sandals. But please don’t take pictures of your feet to post on Facebook or Instagram, especially if you’re planning to do before-and-after shots. Some of you might want to polish your toenails. I never do that. My hands are no longer agile enough for that. I’m also clueless as to what colors are trendy. I’m just happy to have the job in my rearview. If you want to polish yours go for it! You’ve earned it.

 

Copyright 2024 Business Theatre Unlimited

Banned Words and Phrases for 2024

 

For 2024 my list of banned words and phrases once again includes some from my readers and from other sources. As previously, some of my choices come from Lake Superior State University. This year Frank Bruni has also provided contributions. Not surprisingly, some are “gifts” from Joe Biden or politics in general. One is a word I banned in 2021 but folks persist in using it, so I’m banning it again. Hope springs eternal. (Maybe I’ll ban that phrase next year…) Here are my ten entries for 2024.

 

Let’s begin with my repeat word: “woke”. It appeared on many lists for 2021. Unfortunately, there was little agreement on what it means. Some said it meant you paid attention to social and racial justice issues, but the meanings of those depended on your politics. As a result the word was hijacked by extremes on both the right and the left. I’m continuing to advocate for banning it altogether.

 

The COVID pandemic was the source of a phrase that I find useless: “quiet quitting.” Many people chose to work from home to stay safe. Once the danger was over, they didn’t put in the same effort at the office as they had before they discovered how much they preferred working at home. Managers describe this reduced work ethic as “quiet quitting.” I say, get rid of the phrase by removing the employees if they’re not carrying their fair share of the workload.

 

Next we have one of Joe Biden’s favorites. I’ve included several of these in previous lists. This one was provided by a reader. “Look” is what Biden often uses when what he really means is “listen.” Or maybe even stop and listen.

 

Another reader suggestion is “impact” or “impactful.” Since this is not a word of my choosing I’ll just assume that its inclusion will have an impact on some of you.

 

Keeping in the political lane, I’m tired of hearing “time is of the essence.” Time is always of the essence when it comes to happenings in DC but essence of what? This was particularly true in 2023 when it came to negotiating the roadblock over the federal budget to prevent a government shutdown. It took Republicans 15 ballots to elect their new speaker. Time wasn’t part of their essence and we’ll deep six that phrase.

 

On a more positive note, I’m retiring “inflection point” because I want to preserve it for the singular use of describing President Biden’s Inflection Point Address on October 19, 2023. It’s been called the most significant of his presidency. An inflection point is a moment when leaders can have a significant influence on shaping the future for decades. Biden skillfully connected Russia’s criminal war in Ukraine with Hamas’s terrorist attack on Israel to buttress support for the US position on these conflicts.

 

I’ve never been quite sure what qualifies something to be an “unforced error”. I sort of get it when I listen to tennis play-by-plays. But lately it’s been showing up in critiques of political activity and candidate’s speeches. I really don’t understand what makes something a forced error, so I’m certainly not in a position to label one unforced. It makes sense to just ban it.

 

My next two selections are motivated by activities that I’d like to banish along with the words. Political activists are practicing “groupthink” in the extreme. Their attitude is to ban any independent thinking or creativity among their adherents. This tends to shut out new arrivals and ethnic minorities. In their quest for consensus, group thinkers practice “it’s my way or the highway.” Escape them via the nearest highway off-ramp.

 

A by-product of groupthink is “cancel culture”. If proponents of groupthink don’t like the behavior or attitudes of celebrities or other public figures, they encourage their own followers to withdraw all support for those figures. The worst part of this is that what’s considered “socially acceptable” is what the group thinkers decide it is. As a result, some creative culture gets cancelled before it’s had its day in the sun.

 

The efforts to redevelop the land on Maui and parts of California after the devastating wildfires have led me to ban another activity along with a word. We should find ways to help those whose homes were destroyed to be able to rebuild them. Instead wealthy investors are gobbling up the land and gentrifying previously affordable neighborhoods. Fie on “gentrify!” And fie on the other nine entries on this year’s list!

 

Copyright 2024 Business Theatre Unlimited

Planning for the Beach After Years of Not Going

 

 

Summer is here and many folks are making plans for their visits to the beach. That usually means the seashore. I grew up in a lake community and we lived there all year round. I never developed an attraction for the ocean. All that sticky salt and sand in places I won’t mention here. It’s been years since I even thought about going to a beach. The older that I got, the less my body seemed to want to be seen in a bathing suit.

 

Something changed this year. For reasons that I won’t take space explaining, I lost at least twenty pounds this Spring. Rest easy; it wasn’t because of a major health issue, though I’ve had several of those. I like the way I look and feel, so I’m continuing with my new lifestyle. I have an entire wardrobe of smaller sizes that had been waiting for me to come to my senses. There was even an old bathing suit in the bottom of one box.

 

I assume that styles haven’t changed much in the past however many decades. The condo community where we live has a pool. Maybe it’s time for me to take the plunge–literally. As if the swimming gods were listening, one of my daily electronic newsletters had this hard-to-believe article in it. Panera is launching a line of swimsuits. Yes, Panera. And yes, swimsuits. They’re brightly colored, with prints inspired by popular items on their “pick two” menu. As with the menu, you’re encouraged to mix and match.

 

The “beloved Panera menu items” mentioned in the media announcement for the swimwear are the classic Grilled Cheese, Broccoli Cheddar and Tomato Soups and their Chipotle Chicken Avocado Sandwich. Just one salad was listed: the Strawberry Poppyseed. That probably means my swimwear will be adorned with broccoli, avocados and strawberries. That takes care of the motifs, but it leaves the actual bathing suit shapes.

 

Lord help me. I have trouble picking two off the Panera menu. Now I’ll have to pick two items of swimwear. (Their one-piece will never work for me.) For lunch, I usually wind up with my default chicken Caesar salad. I have no idea what the bathing suit equivalent of that would be, and that will just be the start of what I’ll need for a trip to a beach or pool. I’ll need pool-appropriate footwear and a beach cover up. And a very large towel and a tote to stuff everything into.

 

I can’t forget sun block; I’ll have to research what SPF number is required for my age group. And I’ll want a nice bodice ripper paperback to read, the kind you find in airport gift shops, ones with a bare chested hunk on the cover, but not Fabio. And not Fifty Shades of Gray. I’ve read all of those; they were retirement gifts from a female friend. The book choice could be a project in and of itself.

 

Then there’s the matter of the shave. The big shave. Stopping at the knees will not do for a body in a bathing suit. Not to mention clearing the weeds out from under my armpits. Upper legs and pits are not areas I typically worry about at my age. Come to think of it, there really aren’t any body areas that I pay much attention to these days.

 

I’m beginning to realize why I haven’t made any trips to a beach or pool in decades. It will be a miracle if I make it there this summer. I might as well do the appropriate planning, just in case, starting with a new bathing suit. I’m thinking of mixing and matching the Panera shorts with their tank top. A T-shirt would cover my bat wings better, but I didn’t see one of those in the Panera collection. It looks like the shorts and tank are offered with broccoli and strawberries motifs. Those should do.

 

I’ll also need to pick up sun block. Whatever I have around the house is undoubtedly past its sell-by date and it might not even be strong enough. Most of the other items on my list can be found at the bottom of a closet somewhere. That still leaves picking out a trashy paperback to take with me. I wonder if Amazon has a category for those. I’m open to suggestions, by the way.

 

I had no idea that planning for the beach after years of not going would be so stressful. It looks like I’m going to need a nice glass of wine. Or two.

 

Copyright 2023 Business Theatre Unlimited

Socially Invasive Species

Lately there’s been news about invasive species, especially in the waters around Florida. The two species I’ve read about most are the Burmese Python and the Lionfish. The Burmese Python has become such a problem in the Everglades that the South Florida Water Management District issued a hunting challenge with a $10,000 grand prize. Its purpose is to “incentivize a limited number of public-spirited individuals to humanely euthanize these destructive snakes.”

 

I’m not sure how one would do this humanely, but you can imagine what an incentive $10,000 would be. The hunters get paid $10 per hour and $50 for each python they catch that measures up to 4 feet, plus an extra $25 for each additional foot above 4. On top of that, they get $200 for each nest they deactivate. That’s quite a haul, and a lot of python skins for cowboy boots and handbags.

 

As for the Lionfish, they swarm in the Panhandle. That’s led to a tournament with cash prizes, too. Divers spear these predatory fish and sell them to local restaurants. Supposedly, those suckers can lay 27,000 eggs every two and a half days and can eliminate more than 80% of native species within five weeks. This not only plays havoc with the ecosystem, it’s a threat to the survival of coral reefs as well. 

 

As with invasive species like the Burmese Python and the Lionfish, Socially Invasive Species tend to settle in Florida, especially in retirement communities. I’ve collected some information about quite a few of these to share with you.

 

Let’s start with the Golf Cart Broncos. It’s no surprise that golf is a hugely popular activity, especially in retirement communities. Combine this with the cocktail hours that come after (and sometimes before) a golf outing, and it can be deadly. Inebriated duffers race around the community in their carts with little or no regard for the safety of the residents.

 

Close behind the Broncos are the Pickle Ball Fanatics. This sport has exploded in the past few years, especially in retirement communities. It’s not as physically stressful for the players as tennis is. But the noise of the ball clacking off the paddles is invasive to the auditory calm that nearby neighbors had planned to enjoy when they moved in.

 

Not as dangerous as these first two species but equally invasive are the Pool Hogs. Most retirement communities have a pool for their residents. It’s often a modest sized one, not meant to accommodate everyone who lives there, at least not at the same time. The invasive Pool Hogs use more than their fair share of time, thus keeping others from enjoying the facility. 

 

Happy Hour Earworms invade the peace and quiet even if they haven’t been golfing. It’s usually their loud and boisterous voices that interrupt the tranquility. They sometimes break into song, favoring oldies (very) but goodies (in the ear of the beholder). The further into Happy Hour it gets, the more invasive the antics of the Earworms become. What’s worse, as with other Earworms, it’s next to impossible to banish the songs from your head even when Happy Hour is over. 

 

The Peripatetic Travel Bug is psychologically invasive more so than physically. This species invades your comfort zone with detailed accounts of their recent trips abroad. Having retired with a comfortable income, they travel far, wide and frequently. There’s no escaping them unless you simply retire to your own nest and lock the door. 

 

The Meme Maniacs are a modern species, especially invasive on Facebook and other social media sites. Some of their posts are entertaining. The problem with the Maniacs, however, is a lack of discrimination about which memes are worthy of posting. The result is that one has to scroll through a lot of dross just to see a few cute cat ones.

 

Acronym Aficionados are a closely related invasive species to the Meme Maniacs, also showing up most often on social media. Some of these are useful, taking less time to type than it would to spell out the words. The main problem is that many seniors aren’t up to date on these shortcuts. So they clutter up the thread with questions like: “What does IMO mean? How is that different from IMHO? How about LOL and ROFL? What is FOMO?” If you don’t understand this last one, you’re definitely Missing Out.

 

This is by no means a complete list of Socially Invasive Species, but it captures the most common and most egregious ones. BOLO for them in your neighborhood.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

 

2022 Monopoly Game

Hearing all the mentions of SCOTUS and Roe v. Wade in the news had me thinking of water-related activities: row vs. wade.  This in turn made me picture a side of a new Monopoly board game: SCOTUS Row, with properties Wade, Breast Stroke and Butterfly. From there, it was full speed ahead to a 2022 revamp of that classic game. I’m limiting the number of players to six. The new tokens to choose from are: Tesla Model S, iPhone, COVID Spiked Ball, Spiced Pumpkin, Kale Leaf, and Avocado Toast.

 

Similar to SCOTUS Row, which launched this new initiative, there will be Congressional Row, with Senate and House properties, and Executive Row, with stops on POTUS, VPOTUS, and FLOTUS. One of the other sides will be home to Inflation Alley. In the inaugural edition, this will be represented by Energy, Groceries and Used Cars. Another side will house the Food Court Mall, with stops for shops on Organic Boulevard, Vegan Way and Gluten Free Avenue.

 

Peppered throughout these rows and alleys, as per the classic board, will be various taxes and utility companies. There won’t be a Luxury Tax, or even an Income Tax, but you should hope to avoid expensive stops on Health Care Tax and Real Estate Tax. If you land on any of the energy companies—Gasoline, Electric or Oil—it will cost you dearly.

 

Unlike the original game, there will not be a “Go Directly To Jail” square. Don’t get too complacent though. Instead, there will be a “Go to Debtor’s Prison.” You’ll have to roll doubles to get out of there. There will still be a “Free Parking” square, which will be free only on Sundays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and holidays. All other times it will cost $10. The list of holidays will be updated annually. The “Just Visiting” stop will be replaced by “Just Texting”. You’ll have to stay there texting until all the other players pass you by.

 

The four railroads will be replaced by four social media companies.  In the inaugural edition, those will be Facebook, YouTube, WhatsApp and Instagram. If you land on one, you’ll be able to open an account for $100. Then you’ll be able to collect $10 usage fees from others who land there later in the game. Chances are the list will change in future editions. Those games will obviously need to be renamed for the year they represent.

 

Fans of the classic Monopoly game are probably wondering how I plan to handle the Chance and Community Chest stops on the board. I’ll be leaving those intact. Of course I had to rethink what you’ll read on those cards when you land on one of those spots. I’m still working on what the Chance cards will say and I’m open to suggestions.

 

The Community Chest is where philanthropy comes in. It will become a source of support for both local and international NGOs, especially food banks and organizations that provide animal welfare support. If you pull one of those cards, it may tell you to donate money or volunteer hours to support the group listed. Players should decide in advance which local groups will be the recipients of the night’s largesse.

 

If you’ve already adopted a shelter pet (in real life), you’ll be allowed to take a pass when you pull a card that requires a donation. During the game, you can take that pass once for each pet you’ve adopted. Some of the cards will contain items on wish lists for a variety of NGOs. If you pull one of those, you’re on the honor system to comply when the game is over.

 

Certain Community Chest cards for food banks will require an actual donation of food or money to a local organization. To make the play go smoothly, you’ll want to bring some non-perishables with you to game night. Other cards will ask for recipes, so bring a few of those, too. If you run out of all of these before the game is over, you’re allowed to sign an IOU. As with the animal welfare items, the other players will have to trust you to make good on your promise.

 

The player with the most money at the end of the game wins. Since I put this together rather quickly, I’ll probably make some revisions. Feel free to send me your suggestions along with your Chance card ideas. You can also suggest replacement tokens for future editions, but I’ll decide whether or not to use them. It’s my party after all.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

New Facebook Fonts

Things I post on Facebook are sometimes met with complaints from friends who don’t understand that a lot of my comments are satirical. I usually reply: “Sorry. I forgot to use the satire font.” (Cut me some slack when I say “font” instead of “typeface.”) Facebook doesn’t have a satire font. It has lots of emojis but only one font, a plain sans serif. One mean spirited complaint was a comment on what should have been a non-offensive post. I decided it was time to create some new fonts for Facebook.

 

For all of them, I used Facebook behavior as my guide. I realized that their app will automatically substitute some of these for you, whether you want them to or not. Others will be under your own control as to whether to leave the default FB font or replace it with one of your own choosing. Once you input your keyword, FB will automatically substitute for you. Of course, the satire font was first on my list.

 

Here’s an apt definition of “satire” that I found by Googling: “The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” Boy, does that ever describe so many of my FB posts! I’m taking particular note of the word “exaggeration” in this definition. So FB’s new Satire Font can be any serif, 16 point, bold typeface, such as Cambria or Times.

 

A font that is sometimes confused with satire, or at least motivated by similar feelings, the new angry font should be sans serif and always bolded. When you’re angry, get right to the point, and help your reader get there, too. No getting distracted by squiggly lines at the ends of the letters. Verdana is a great choice for venting.

 

Are you planning to post on FB but you’re tuckered out? Go for the new tired FB font. Don’t overthink it. Sans serif Arial is easy to find, up near the beginning of the font alphabet. Go with whatever type size is the default in what you’re writing. It will probably be 10 or 12. You’ll want to lie down, so use the italic option.

 

Having a sad day? Just use whatever font is in front of you as you start typing. Chances are it will be serif if you’re composing on a word processor. If you’re writing on line, it will likely be sans serif. It’s OK to mix them. The sad FB font is flexible if nothing else.

 

Feeling silly? Comic sans is the perfect choice for this. Most people use it for all the wrong reasons, but silly is what it was intended for. I’m not sure if all platforms provide this option, but I believe that most do. If yours doesn’t, you’re entitled to use angry for this. Or sad. Whatever works.

 

The last FB substitution font under your own control is for when you’ve been insulted. Like the angry font, insulted is always bolded. However, it’s serif, because you want to take up as much time as possible from those who are reading your rant. It’s also a larger type size, because you want to be sure nothing gets overlooked.

 

Moving on to automatic substitution fonts, Facebook decides to take control of your posts whenever the spirit moves it. Animal Rescue Substitution Fonts are what you’ll see most often with my new Font Substitution option. Facebook will automatically substitute the faces of animals that need homes or are in danger, for the vowels in any words you type. Here are the substitutions you’ll see initially: A = cat; E = squirrel; I = rabbit; O = dog; U = raccoon. So “face” will read: “f [cat pix] c [squirrel pix]”. More animals for various consonants will likely follow.

 

The final font substitution that is under Facebook control is “Fake News”. If FB determines that your original post is not true or not correct, it will be changed to the Fake News font, aka Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire. You might see a flame coming out of one of the letters. Or FB might treat all the letters as though they’re on fire. If your system isn’t receptive to Facebook’s artsy attempts, you’ll just see a gray haze surrounding the fake news post.

 

I realize this is a lot to process in one post. If Facebook seems especially confusing in the future, don’t blame me. Blame my FB friends who didn’t know what “satire” meant.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

 

  

GOATs and PIGs and Other Acronyms

 

By now you would have heard that Tom Brady had decided to retire, his status as the GOAT football professional firmly in place. For those who don’t know (likely very few of those who follow sports), GOAT stands for Greatest Of All Time. Since I started writing this, Brady has come out of retirement, likely poised to become even greater. Simone Biles is also a GOAT, for women’s gymnastics. She has a goat tattoo on her shoulder. There are other animal acronyms that undoubtedly are not familiar, so I’m going to define them here.

 

My personal favorite is PIG. It stands for Popular Inspirational Guru. That title is held by my husband, Jagdish Sachdev, owner of SPECTRUM-INDIA on Thayer Street in Providence. He’s so well recognized as the Guru of Thayer Street that a selfie with him often shows up as an item on scavenger hunts.

 

Another porcine acronym is SOW. That stands for Senior Opportunistic Widow, of which there are quite a few in almost every community. SOWs go on the hunt for recent widowers, especially ones who are financially well-heeled. Advice to any men who have recently lost your spouse: BOLO for SOWs in your circle of acquaintances. They are relentless.

 

Widowers might be attracted to a LAMB, however, if she’s not also a SOW. A LAMB is the Last And Most Beautiful in her circle of widowed friends who has not yet found a new mate. If she does latch onto a widower, she might become an alternative LAMB, that is: Luckiest And Most Beautiful. As long as she’s not a SOW, either LAMB can make a fine partner for a lonely widower.

 

Next we have DUCK, a Dude Using Charming Karma. DUCKs exist in all age groups. Just as a SOW will go after a recent widower, a DUCK might go after a recent widow, if she’s been left enough assets by her late husband. BOLO to recent widows, DUCKs can be relentless, too. As far as I know, there’s no male equivalent to the LAMB.

 

Someone else to watch out for is the SKUNK—a Senior Kahuna Using Noisy Kisses. The SKUNK latches onto you at a neighborhood gathering and plants a noisy, wet kiss on your cheek before you realize what’s happening. In the SKUNK’s mind, if the kiss is noisy enough, he hasn’t stolen it, so you shouldn’t complain. If you expect any SKUNKs at a garden party, keep a packet of tissues handy. Noisy ones are usually wet ones. Also, some SKUNKs use a seemingly innocent ‘hello’ hug to cop a feel. Have a stiff-arm ready when you see a SKUNK coming.

 

Desirable members of your community earn the acronym CHICKEN. The Charitable Helper In Community Kitchens (for) Elderly Neighbors is someone you’ll want in your contact list. They’ll help out in food pantries, soup kitchens, any place that provides food for older folks of limited means. And please, no jokes about chicken pot pies.

 

Another welcome older community member is a SHEEP. Those of you who care about our environment will be thrilled to have Senior Humanitarians Ending Environmental Pollution in your group. They’re often on the front lines of recycling efforts. They’re also likely to volunteer to help with park cleanup in the spring.

 

A truly noble acronym is FISH, First In Social Harmony. FISH are always welcome in social circles. They are the peacemakers in the community. Unlike real fish and the proverbial unwanted guests, they do not start to stink after three days either.

 

A SNAKE, on the other hand, is to be avoided at all cost. SNAKEs rarely last long in a community, or at least not long as a member in good standing. Be especially wary of SNAKEs if you have a neighborhood pool. Why? A SNAKE is a Sexy Newcomer And Kinky Exhibitionist. That says it all.

 

Finally, I propose one additional acronym, of which I hope to take ownership. That’s GOOSE. It stands for Greatest Of Our Senior Essayists. If anyone would like to challenge me for that title, go for it! I know at least one PIG who will vote for me.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

NFTs That I’m Selling

 Melania Trump recently made a media splash by offering an NFT of her “cobalt blue eyes” for about $180. An NFT, or “non-fungible token,” is a way to sell digital “art”. It can’t be illegally replicated or altered once it’s been created. The “artist” mints their work on one of several NFT marketplaces by creating a detailed smart contract that is then stored on a cryptocurrency blockchain. I can see your eyes are glazing over, so I’ll move on. I’m not offering any NFTs of my eyes, but I think you’ll find some interesting and affordable options here.

Digital versions of my mouth.          $100 together

The real one may be the smallest adult mouth extant. I’m also providing a version resized in Photoshop. I won’t use the fixed aspect ratio, so it won’t be thicker, just wider. You can keep both versions. That way you’ll recognize me in photos that haven’t been retouched.

 

My right earlobe, which has been pierced crooked.         $100

This is thanks to my attempt to do it myself with a sewing needle as a teenager. I panicked part way through the piercing. My neighbor, an RN, took over and finished it with a hypodermic needle. I had started it crooked and she finished on the same angle. Folks are forever telling me I’m about to lose an earing from that ear. I explain: No. It’s just pierced crooked. Your NFT of it can be a real conversation starter!

 

My neck wattle, which is now so prominent that it rivals Mitch McConnell’s.     $125

You get a bonus with this NFT. I often camouflage my wattle with stylish neck scarves. Your digital version comes shown with the scarf of your choice. Several options are provided. Buy two and get the third one free!

 

My Chest Port, which is probably my most unusual NFT.               $250

It’s not the most attractive NFT that I’m offering here, but I’ll bet I’m the only one who has a port for sale. It’s also my most recent bodily intrusion. That’s worth extra.

 

The scar from my TRAM surgery for my mastectomy.     $200

It looks a lot like a Cesarean scar, and it’s the biggest scar I have, with an interesting history. The short version is that my right breast was rebuilt with a then state-of-the-art procedure using my abdomen. It was a hell of a way to get a tummy tuck.

 

My naval as reconstructed during my TRAM surgery.     $175

It’s slightly off-center, which adds a certain cachet. It’s an innie, as was my original naval. That’s now located at the top of my reconstructed right breast. TMI so that’s not being offered as an NFT.

 

The U-shaped scar on the outside of my right foot.          $150

What a story there! I must have been around 7 or 8 years old. I tried to pirouette around one of the metal poles holding up the awning over our neighbor’s front patio extension. I knocked over and broke the milk bottle next to the pole. I have no idea why I didn’t see it before my acrobatics. Of course it broke and cut my foot. Not badly enough to do anything more than put pressure on it to stop the bleeding, but it left a scar that I see it as a badge of honor of sorts.

 

Collection of smaller scars from my lung cancer medical procedures.    $150 together

There’s the tiny one near my Adam’s apple from my mediastinoscopy. The biopsy from my earlier bronchoscopy at Hartford Health Care was inconclusive and had found no cancer. Second opinions from Yale and Dana Farber recommended a more thorough scoping. That was done at Yale and found cancer in three lymph nodes. Also included is the small scar on my back below my ribs from a Video Assisted Thoracic Surgery. That found cancer in some nodules on my pleural lining, making my cancer stage 4. Hence I consider this scar significant even though it’s small. These scars are being sold as a lot.

 

My liver spots that form popular constellations.   $100 each

The Pleiades, aka seven sisters, are found on my left hand; Aquila (the eagle) decorates my right hand; the large singleton liver spot on top of my left thigh is the distinctive Evening Star, aka Venus; Cygnus (the Northern Cross) lives on my right thigh and the points of the cross are connected by spider veins. This NFT also comes with the offer to buy one constellation and get the second half off. What a deal!

 

There you have it. Nine exciting NFT options of digital body images of your favorite blogger. Because these are digital, I can offer multiple copies. NFT technology assures they’re authentic and non-reproducible, other than by me. All inquiries welcome.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

Banned Words and Phrases for 2022

 

As with previous years, many entries on my 2022 list of banned words and phrases come from our president. Trump gave us some whoppers; Biden is responsible for some real doozies. Trump’s were often offensive; Biden’s were frequently overused. We found ourselves thinking: “He always says that.” Here’s this year's list.

 

Let’s start by banning the use of two proper names, except for the people who were given these names when they were born. The first is “Karen”. For those who don’t know (where have you been?), calling someone Karen, or “a Karen” is the latest way to insult a woman (usually white) who is self-centered and demanding. Instead hit them with the deets of what it is you don’t like. Don’t tip toe around by calling them Karen.

 

The second name is even more annoying: “Brandon”. The phrase “Let’s Go Brandon” has become a rallying cry for people who hate Biden. For those who don’t know (again, where have you been?), somehow the president’s name has morphed into “Brandon” as a way to troll him without directly insulting him. You hear this in the background at Trump’s rallies and on certain right wing TV programs. It’s just plain silly so cut it out.

 

As always, I have some political terms to put into 2022’s dumpster, starting with “whataboutism”. This not-so-clever way of deflecting attention away from one’s own failings must end. A counteraccusation or new issue in the discussion doesn’t absolve you of whatever misdeed you committed. Here’s an idea. Try “I’m sorry” instead.

 

I’m also so over hearing the expression “sausage-making”. I blame the Democrats for this one. Their budget process was so convoluted that legislators were reduced to defending it by apologizing for making us hear about the sausage-making. This did not help. I’m hopeful that the phrase and the process are behind us for 2022.

 

Here’s a word to get rid of and replace with something that better explains what it was originally meant to convey: “defund”. In most cities, the intention was not to drain 100% of the budget of the local police department so that there were no police. It was to shift funds from certain activities that were causing problems and invest in ones that could help with problem solving. In most cases, that meant more funding for mental health. Stop talking “defunding” and start talking solutions. How about: “Shift some funds” from street police to social workers trained to address mental health issues.

 

We can give conservatives credit for the next two items on this list. “Snowflake” is a descriptor that has fallen into ill repute on both sides of the aisle, but those on the right seem particularly fond of it. It’s been around for over a decade, but it really came into its own in 2021 to describe someone with an inflated sense of their own uniqueness or an undeserved sense of entitlement. The original Karen is probably a snowflake.

 

The far right gets credit for my ban of “false flag”. The riots of January 6 illustrate why we need to trash this term. Spend some time looking at videos of that event. You’d need to credit someone with incredible skill in Photoshop to believe that the perpetrators responsible are correct in blaming others not seen in the videos. The rioters’ claims are a “false flag”: a deliberate misrepresentation of their own affiliations or motives.

 

Now let’s share some Bidenisms that we need to ban. The first is a group of several that all mean about the same thing and get repeated until they send you to the TV mute button. We have four negatives: “not a joke/not kidding/all kidding aside/no really”. For variety, try the positive: “seriously.” Or “honestly.” Or… you get the idea.

 

Another Biden favorite that gets overused is: “Here's the deal”. Ordinarily there would be nothing wrong with this phrase. But in Biden’s hands (or mouth), it’s losing its luster. If he can just give it a rest in 2022, perhaps I’ll let him have it back after the midterms.

 

The final Bidenism on my list is: “That's not hyperbole”. Indeed, it’s likely that whatever he just referred to was not hyperbole. As a figure of speech, a hyperbolic statement is usually not meant to be taken literally. I’m not always sure about what Biden has just said. Did he mean: take what I’ve said literally? Or was it a mild exaggeration? I want to know. No really.

 

And so this year’s list of banned words and phrases comes to a close. I’ve given you some real gems to jettison going forward.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited