Socially Invasive Species

Lately there’s been news about invasive species, especially in the waters around Florida. The two species I’ve read about most are the Burmese Python and the Lionfish. The Burmese Python has become such a problem in the Everglades that the South Florida Water Management District issued a hunting challenge with a $10,000 grand prize. Its purpose is to “incentivize a limited number of public-spirited individuals to humanely euthanize these destructive snakes.”

 

I’m not sure how one would do this humanely, but you can imagine what an incentive $10,000 would be. The hunters get paid $10 per hour and $50 for each python they catch that measures up to 4 feet, plus an extra $25 for each additional foot above 4. On top of that, they get $200 for each nest they deactivate. That’s quite a haul, and a lot of python skins for cowboy boots and handbags.

 

As for the Lionfish, they swarm in the Panhandle. That’s led to a tournament with cash prizes, too. Divers spear these predatory fish and sell them to local restaurants. Supposedly, those suckers can lay 27,000 eggs every two and a half days and can eliminate more than 80% of native species within five weeks. This not only plays havoc with the ecosystem, it’s a threat to the survival of coral reefs as well. 

 

As with invasive species like the Burmese Python and the Lionfish, Socially Invasive Species tend to settle in Florida, especially in retirement communities. I’ve collected some information about quite a few of these to share with you.

 

Let’s start with the Golf Cart Broncos. It’s no surprise that golf is a hugely popular activity, especially in retirement communities. Combine this with the cocktail hours that come after (and sometimes before) a golf outing, and it can be deadly. Inebriated duffers race around the community in their carts with little or no regard for the safety of the residents.

 

Close behind the Broncos are the Pickle Ball Fanatics. This sport has exploded in the past few years, especially in retirement communities. It’s not as physically stressful for the players as tennis is. But the noise of the ball clacking off the paddles is invasive to the auditory calm that nearby neighbors had planned to enjoy when they moved in.

 

Not as dangerous as these first two species but equally invasive are the Pool Hogs. Most retirement communities have a pool for their residents. It’s often a modest sized one, not meant to accommodate everyone who lives there, at least not at the same time. The invasive Pool Hogs use more than their fair share of time, thus keeping others from enjoying the facility. 

 

Happy Hour Earworms invade the peace and quiet even if they haven’t been golfing. It’s usually their loud and boisterous voices that interrupt the tranquility. They sometimes break into song, favoring oldies (very) but goodies (in the ear of the beholder). The further into Happy Hour it gets, the more invasive the antics of the Earworms become. What’s worse, as with other Earworms, it’s next to impossible to banish the songs from your head even when Happy Hour is over. 

 

The Peripatetic Travel Bug is psychologically invasive more so than physically. This species invades your comfort zone with detailed accounts of their recent trips abroad. Having retired with a comfortable income, they travel far, wide and frequently. There’s no escaping them unless you simply retire to your own nest and lock the door. 

 

The Meme Maniacs are a modern species, especially invasive on Facebook and other social media sites. Some of their posts are entertaining. The problem with the Maniacs, however, is a lack of discrimination about which memes are worthy of posting. The result is that one has to scroll through a lot of dross just to see a few cute cat ones.

 

Acronym Aficionados are a closely related invasive species to the Meme Maniacs, also showing up most often on social media. Some of these are useful, taking less time to type than it would to spell out the words. The main problem is that many seniors aren’t up to date on these shortcuts. So they clutter up the thread with questions like: “What does IMO mean? How is that different from IMHO? How about LOL and ROFL? What is FOMO?” If you don’t understand this last one, you’re definitely Missing Out.

 

This is by no means a complete list of Socially Invasive Species, but it captures the most common and most egregious ones. BOLO for them in your neighborhood.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

 

Recovering Stolen Wheels

U.S. cities have been experiencing a rash of bicycle thefts, especially of high-end rides. At least two municipalities have special efforts in place to put the brakes on this activity. Police park pricey “bait bikes” in high-theft zones—bikes with GPS chips hidden in them. In Madison, Wisconsin, bike snatchings were down 40% the first year the GPS program took effect. In San Francisco, once cops catch up with the thieves, they tweet photos of them with the message “thank you 4 taking our bait bike.”

Bicycles aren’t the only personal conveyances seeing a rise in thefts. Retirees with limited incomes have taken to boosting four-wheelers from their neighbors. For some, it’s the only way they can become mobile again. Their families have taken away their car keys, usually because they’ve had numerous accidents. An elderly person driving a stolen conveyance is eight times as likely to get into a collision as a legitimate driver is. I guess they’re nervously looking over their shoulders instead of looking both ways.

The Villages in Florida reports a 60% increase in motorized scooters being stolen over the past two years. These numbers are overblown, however, because a considerable percentage of the reported thefts turn out to be someone having forgotten where they parked their wheels. Still, the snatchings are definitely on the rise and communities are encouraging members to use GPS technology to facilitate tracking down the errant vehicles.

For several condo developments in North Carolina that surround golf courses, golf carts are the primary method of transportation. So much so, that each condo comes with its own cart when you purchase the home. You’d think that would mean none of these get stolen, since everyone has his own. You would be wrong. Apparently, some retirees collect carts the way Jay Leno collects vintage cars. The trouble is, unlike Jay, those retirees are pinching most of their acquisitions.

All over the country, desperate retirees are becoming increasingly clever in disguising their thievery. One enterprising senior had custom decals made with the faces of his four grandchildren. He plastered them all over the stolen Jazzy scooter, assuming that would be proof that he owned the vehicle; but the hidden GPS chip tripped him up. When the ride was returned to its rightful owner, she covered the thief’s offspring with photos of her own grandchildren—all twelve of them. Talk about one-upmanship!

GPS helped track the NC golf cart culprit to a storage facility about a five iron away from his own condo. Inside were four missing carts, none still wearing its original paint. The duffer with sticky fingers also had a passion for painting. He insisted these were all his “original works of art,” but the trackers told a different story. He was forced to move out of his condo community. The bitterest pill was that he had to leave behind his own cart, painted in all its creative glory. It stayed with the unit when he left.

So far as we know, none of these retirement developments has made the foray into baiting conveyances yet. The four-wheelers that have been stolen all belonged to seniors who simply left their rides in the wrong place at the wrong time, something seniors are particularly adept at.

If the stealing trend continues to escalate, expect the condo police to mimic the professional ones in SF and Madison. They’ll leave shiny, tricked out Jazzys with GPS in tempting spots for unsuspecting seniors. When they catch up with the culprits, they’ll hand them cards that read: “You’ve been taken for a ride on my bait scooter.” Then they’ll spend two frustrating hours explaining what a “bait scooter” is and how GPS works. Come to think of it, that’s probably why they’ve been in no rush to roll with the new technology.