A recent TV program on political scandals reminded me of a euphemism that was popular during one of those scandals. Former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford had gone to Argentina to spend time with his mistress. Their relationship had been a secret up until then. He told his staff that he would be hiking the Appalachian Trail. When his affair came to light, the phrase: “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” became a euphemism for having an extramarital affair.
I love that expression! It’s a civil way to say something critical. It set me to wondering what other clever euphemisms and idioms I had forgotten about or never known. (Idioms also aren’t direct, but they’re not always nice.) A few are political, but not all. We have Southern culture to thank for many of these colorful colloquialisms, a lot of which feature farm animals.
Here are some of my favorites. This one was used recently by a member of Congress to criticize a budget proposal. He said it was a “Pig’s Breakfast.” That was new to me. I looked it up. It’s a Southernism for an unappealing mixture, a mess.
A crossword puzzle answer that was also new to me was “Goat Rodeo.” It describes something that has gone totally wrong, an ultimate SNAFU. I immediately pictured said rodeo and it was easy to imagine it going totally wrong, no mater how cute the little goatees were. I’m waiting to hear a member of Congress describe a session of that august body as a goat rodeo. There will likely be many opportunities. “That dog won’t hunt” was also in a recent puzzle, meaning that an idea or approach is destined to fail. If that phrase hasn’t been used yet in Congress, you can bet it will be eventually.
Another of my favorites is “The Full Monty.” It first came across my radar via a movie of that title. The expression originated as the shortened version of the “Full Montgomery,” the big English breakfast favored by British General Bernard Montgomery. By the time of the movie in 1997, it had come to be a euphemism for “total nudity.” Today it’s used broadly to mean the most that you can have or achieve, or more simply: the works.
We can thank Texas for a refined way to say someone brags shamelessly about his non-existent wealth or assets. “He’s all hat and no cattle” is a phrase you’ve probably heard. Credit to the late Roger Moore in a Hallmark movie for the female equivalent: “All fur coat and no knickers.”
Staying with farm animals and Southernisms, I like the polite way to let a man know his fly is down. “The barn door’s open and the mule’s trying to run.” It was new to me, and I’ll be on the lookout for an opportunity to use it. Also likely from the South, here’s a colorful way to say someone is cheap. “He’ll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams” is much more evocative than calling someone a “penny-pincher.”
Instead of saying someone looks tired, say he looks like he has “one wheel down and the axle dragging.” It’s very likely Southern, but I can’t say for certain. Ditto for using “the green apple two-step” as a euphemism for diarrhea. The last in this trio sounds very Southern to me, as a way to say there’s a problem. “A yellow jacket in the outhouse” is certainly something a person doing the green apple two-step would rather not hear!
There are dozens of idioms for saying someone is not very smart. You’ve probably heard most of them; I had, but new to me was: “She’s one bubble off plumb.” Not new to me, the following: “One brick short of a load.” “Not playing with a full deck.” “Two tacos short of a combination platter.” “Doesn’t have both oars in the water.” “The elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.” “The lights are on but nobody’s home.” In the South, it’s “The porch lights are on…” There are many more ways to say someone isn’t smart, but this list should more than meet your needs.
Euphemisms and idioms are all around us. As soon as I put this essay to bed, I’m sure I’ll come across several more I would have wanted to include. Start your own collection!
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