A Port In the Storm

For those who may not know, the backstory of this essay is that I’ve been in treatment for lung cancer for seven months. I’m having chemo and immunotherapy infusions every three weeks, continuing until February 2023. My cancer team had been encouraging me to have a port installed in my chest to make the infusions easier on everyone. Two months ago, I finally arranged to get “a port in the storm”.

 

Because I’m immunocompromised, I’ve been staying close to home during the COVID pandemic. I’ve entertained myself by doing a lot of jigsaw puzzles. My husband found two online that border on being perverse. Many of the pieces are the size of my pinky fingernail. Most are odd-shaped and don’t lock into one another. I had to use Scotch tape to hold them in place as I worked. When the cat one was finished, I posted a photo on Facebook. A friend observed: “I hope you had a lot of tape in the house!” Her comment gave me an idea.

 

If I can have a port for my infusions, why not implant some other useful things in my chest? The first would of course be a Scotch tape dispenser. Then I’d have all the tape I need for any crazy jigsaw puzzles my husband buys me. And just think how helpful it would be when I wrap holiday gifts. Even when I sit on the floor to do this, I’m forever wondering where the scissors and tape have gone under the sheets of paper. Of course, it would be dangerous to implant scissors, but tape would be great.

 

What I’d really like to have handy right here in my chest is dental floss. I have a lot of caps on my teeth and food is forever getting caught on their rough edges. I floss several times a day. A dispenser that goes with me from room to room would be a godsend.

 

I’m also a big lip balm user, but I’m not sure having one of those sticks implanted would be practical. How would my mouth reach it? On the other hand, a simple pump to dispense hand lotion would be useful and could work out okay.

 

Another item I’m often searching for around the house, especially when the slacks I have on are without pockets, is tissues. Imagine having your own tissue dispenser there in your chest! They’d be right where you need them when you feel a sneeze coming on. A similar implant could hold cotton balls. I don’t use nail polish anymore, but I’m sure any woman who does would be happy to have those little puffs pop right out of her chest when she was freshening up her manicure.

 

One of the symptoms that led to my lung cancer diagnosis was a debilitating cough. I kept lozenges on my bedside table so that I didn’t have to get up in the middle of the night to search for some. My cough cleared up once I started treatment, but before that, a chest dispenser would have come in handy. If you like this idea and the tissue one, best to get your pop-up port before flu season is upon us.

 

Most of these ideas involve personal care products. There’s a whole other category to consider—food items. One of my friends never goes out to eat without putting a pepper mill in her purse. Ditto for a dispenser for sea salt, which is supposedly far superior to refined table salt. If she had those on her—literally (in a pair of ports)—her purse would be lighter and she’d never be without her personal S&P.

 

There’s a grocery aisle full of condiments to consider, too. But if you imagine ketchup spurting out of a chest port… Well, that’s just plain gruesome. Even soy sauce paints a less than appetizing picture. Mustard and horseradish would probably be more visually acceptable. They’re healthier than ketchup, which is also something in their favor.

 

As you can see, a person wouldn’t need to be under treatment for cancer to find a chest port useful. These ideas should offer good investment opportunities for those celebrities on Shark Tank. Mark Cuban and Lori Grenier—if you’re reading this, feel free to contact me to “do the deal.”

 

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