Social Omnivores and More

 

Recently I learned a new term: Social Ominivore. It refers to someone who eats as a vegetarian when at home, but will eat anything when at a restaurant or as a guest at someone’s home. The thinking is that they really prefer to not eat meat or fish, but they don’t want to make things difficult for others in their social circle. If only everyone with dietary preferences would think that way.

 

Given the proliferation of allergies and the popularity of gluten free and other diets, this seems like an extremely considerate, or social thing to do. Of course, some dietary restrictions are medically necessary. But veganism frequently is not and vegan products have become ubiquitous. One of the items that caught my eye was a California-made vegan mattress being sold at the Fifth Avenue “experience center” of Avocado Green Mattress. I can’t even…

 

But I want to return to the social side of this realization. It got me thinking about other things that I do in a social environment that I don’t do when at home. The comforts of home allow me to ignore so many aspects of my appearance that I pay attention to when we go out. Or at least when I expect to run into friends or neighbors when we go out.

Take for instance shoes. I used to be a shoe-aholic. When I worked in Manhattan, I had so many pairs of shoes, my coworkers called me Imelda Decker. It was a head nod to Imelda Marcus. (Look her up.) Now I spend most of my time at home in socks. I put shoes on when I go out. Unless I’m going someplace fancy or if I expect to run into someone who might notice my feet, I wear basic, serviceable, easy on-and-off footwear with my socks. In a social setting, I’ll trade my socks for some type of sheer hose and I’ll consider a shoe that has at least a bit of a heel. I guess I’m no longer a shoe adopter. I’m a Social Shoe Adapter.

Since I’m on the topic of what I wear when we go out vs. at-home comfort, let’s talk lingerie. Right up there with my socks, I favor cotton tank undershirts instead of bras. I don’t get a draft across my midsection with tanks. Likewise, cotton underpants that would never be confused with anything sexy are what fill my dresser drawer. But I’ll admit to being a Social Lingerie Gal. My mother always made me wear my best underpants when I left the house. “What if you get hit by a truck and they have to take you to the hospital?” “What if?” indeed. Never happened in the five decades she and I shared on this planet. But it ingrained in my head the notion that I should consider wearing some nicer lingerie if I planned to be going very far from home or would be out for any length of time. Not sexy, but at least stylish. OK. Maybe not even stylish. But without holes and with elastic that isn’t stretched out.

Something else that I do rarely now that I’m retired is wear makeup. I had a friend who wouldn’t even leave her bedroom until she put on her face. I, on the other hand, still have makeup left from weddings I attended that ended in divorce decades ago. These days, when I say I’m going to put on makeup, it means some eyebrow pencil, mascara and a touch of blush on my cheeks. And you’ve probably guessed by now, that I do that so seldom that it definitely makes me a Social Face Painter.

In a totally different vein, my last item is one that brings me back closer to the socially considerate nature of the Social Omnivore where this essay started. When I’m out of the house, I try to watch my language more carefully. When I traveled on business years ago, I spent a lot of time in the field with the sales force. Let’s just say that none of those guys would ever have called me a goody two-shoes. These days I try to leave my four-letter-word lexicon at home. Instead of a potty mouth, I guess you could call me a Social Sweet Lips.

I’m sure there are other social activities that I follow when we’re out, but these are the ones that come to mind right now. If you give it some thought, I’ll bet you’ll come up with a list of socially motivated behaviors of your own.

Copyright 2023 Business Theatre Unlimited

Banned Words and Phrases for 2023

My 2023 list of banned words and phrases includes some from my readers and from other writers. As in previous years, some of my choices also appear on Lake Superior State University’s list. Here are my ten entries for 2023.

 

The first phrase to be tossed aside is one that I can’t believe I haven’t banned before this year. I searched my spreadsheet history to be sure. That phrase is “nothing burger.” It caught on as a favorite of Donald Trump, Jr. during the 2016 campaign season, but I’ve been hearing it a lot now. I don’t appreciate it no matter who is using it, including you, dear reader. I’m sure you’ll come up with a suitable substitute.

 

Some expressions on this year’s list have outlived their useful lifespans. Here are two obvious candidates: “The proof is in the pudding” and “At the end of the day.” The speakers are never talking about puddings and “the day” being referred to can happen at any hour, including in the morning. It’s more likely the end of a discussion, not a specific time frame. The “pudding” expression sounds like something President Biden would say. I hope he finds an equally folksie replacement.

 

I’m also exhausted hearing the expression “It is what it is.” I confess. I use it myself when I’m worn out. Simply put, this expression is a tautology. If it were up to me, I’d ban all over-used tautologies.

 

I don’t normally ban the names of actual celebrities. I’d planned to break with precedent this year and ban Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. I was exhausted hearing updates on their legal battles. As it happens, they settled just before the end of 2022, but I have an even better replacement to ban. Please media folk, stop covering Kanye (or Ye) in 2023. Trust me, there’s nothing about his life that we can’t live without hearing.

 

The next banned word earned a slot on this year’s list because of its overuse. A reader can’t be sure what facts are behind a “trauma,” so it will no longer be available. As the New York Times pointed out back in February, 2022, if everything is considered to be “trauma”, is anything really? I don’t think so.

 

A reader submitted “And Just Like That” for this year’s list. I confess I’m not familiar with that phrase, but I trust her judgment. I Googled it and discovered it’s the title of a show that’s been streaming on HBO for about a year as a sequel to Sex and the City. The best advice I can offer about not using this phrase is to watch a few episodes and decide for yourself.

 

Now we have two metaphors from a list gathered by columnist Frank Bruni that share a transportation theme of sorts. They’re both entries on this year’s list that could be considered politically inspired. The first is “Choosing (or Staying in) Ones Lane.” Most of us have been tempted at some point to weigh in with our own opinions on someone else’s discussion. If our intrusion is not welcome, we’ll likely be told to stay in our own lane. We’ll usually be well-served to take that advice.

 

The other entry of the transportation ilk is “Under the bus,” which is where someone will occasionally get thrown if they’re a convenient fall guy. They can also find themselves under the bus if they wander too far out of their own lane. Best to keep track of where you are in these types of conversations. Some folks are highly sensitive about those who cross lanes.

 

The last entry on this year’s list could also be considered politically inspired and that’s “Gaslighting.” I’m surprised I haven’t banned this sooner. It’s a favorite psychological tool of controlling people who enjoy manipulating those around them. The speaker wants someone to believe they’ve engaged in some type of unwelcome behavior. It isn’t always used for political reasons, but it’s been a favorite ploy of Donald Trump. It ends this year’s list not just as a word to be jettisoned, but more importantly as a behavior to be banned. I know. Good luck with that.

 

I considered banning “Quiet Quitting,” until I realized that it, too, was more the behavior that I wanted to ban, not so much the phrase. I decided having one hopeless entry on the list was more than enough.

 

That completes this year’s list of words and phrases that I’d like to stop hearing. If 2023 is anything like previous years, this will be a pipe dream. Maybe that’s a phrase I’ll ban next year.

 

Copyright 2023 Business Theatre Unlimited

I’m Grateful for Being Grateful

 

This is the time of year when we read a lot about gratitude. Friends often hear me talk about the importance of having “an attitude of gratitude.” Not everyone shares my opinion. A recent Washington Post article cited research that suggested the benefits of showing gratitude to others. It wondered why we don’t give thanks more often. Another article offered 20 ways to “spark gratitude.”

 

I’m not a religious person, but I consider myself to be spiritual. I practice daily meditations, what most of you would probably call prayers. Some are prayers of gratitude for things in my life and in the lives of family and friends. Some are prayers of supplication, usually health related, for family and friends but rarely, if ever, for myself. These meditations keep me centered and focused. Plus, they help keep my blood pressure down, reason enough to practice them daily.

 

I can pinpoint exactly when I began doing this. My niece delivered her daughter at 23 weeks 3 days into her pregnancy. This micropreemie weighed just one pound seven ounces and was not expected to survive. Today she is a thriving eighteen year old, working on her college applications. When she was born, I began praying for her; I still do. Her survival is one of the first things on my daily list of what I’m grateful for.

 

Another is that I’m a 32 year breast cancer survivor. The past two years have been spent battling lung cancer. While I’m thankful for all of my good test results, I don’t ask for them. I was originally told I was stage 4, with a 2 to 5 year usual survival expectation. That was 2 years ago, but my tumor hasn’t grown during that time. I’m not receiving any more treatments and am now in what is considered a maintenance phase. I get regular CT scans to make sure there’s nothing new going on in my lungs.

 

Early into my treatment, I remember thinking about my grandniece, the micropreemie, who faced many health challenges early on in her life. When she was born, if I had been told that, in exchange for her survival, I had to agree to get terminal lung cancer in 20 years, I would have taken the deal. After all, at age 59, living until at least age 79 seemed reasonable if it meant this tiny treasure would live. Of course, looking back is easy when you know you’re already 75 and you’ll be beating the odds if you pass 80.

 

Her survival and continued development set me on the path to my daily meditations. The list of those for whom I request health interventions keeps growing. Sadly, some people fall off that list because they’ve lost their battle, usually with some type of cancer. They’re quickly replaced with others who have an equally challenging health issue. When I learn that someone’s cancer is now in remission, I’m filled with gratitude on their behalf. It lifts my spirits to celebrate their success.

 

When I share my philosophy about having an attitude of gratitude, I’m occasionally met with a pessimistic: “I have nothing to be grateful for.” I counter that everyone has something worth giving thanks for. You just have to think about what happens in your daily life. If there is one person with whom you would not want to trade places, you should have no complaints. Be thankful you’re not in their shoes. Everyone knows at least someone who is dealing with major problems that they would not want to face. If it’s not health, it might be financial or relationship issues.

 

I feel sorry for anyone who cannot get past feeling that they have nothing to be grateful for. Meditating on all the good things in my life, all the blessings I and my family and my friends have, lifts me up every day as I mentally go through that list. How very sad for those who are missing out on this opportunity.

 

Being grateful for the good things in other folks’ lives can benefit you, too. But being grateful for the good things in your own life… Well, that’s a blessing that can’t easily be quantified but most certainly should not be ignored or forgotten. In this season of giving thanks, and on every day, I’m so grateful for being grateful!

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

In Praise of Hallmark Movies

Hallmark romantic comedies (rom coms) are becoming more and more popular. Women of all ages and social strata are appreciative watchers. Men have also discovered them. As the population ages, folks are settling in as couch potatoes. I began watching not too long after I retired.

 

An article in the NY Times provided a more erudite explanation. “One of the genre’s great pleasures” is books (and movies) with “similar archetypes, similar settings, similar tropes, similar tones… because they offer a piping-hot version of a recipe that readers are perpetually hungry for.” Hallmark has a handful of tried and true templates that their rom coms tend to follow. Here are some reasons why I enjoy them.

 

First off, to quote the Times, “Romance is marked by the certainty of the happy ending.”

And we’re not referring to the sexual definition of that expression. Hallmark rom coms don’t have even the subtlest hint that anyone does the horizontal mambo. You can choose to imagine that happens. Hallmark won’t dissuade you, but they won’t encourage your fantasy. Given today’s societal stresses—political, health, financial or other—I and many fans appreciate knowing there will be a happy ending.

 

The lead is almost always female, and usually a strong woman at that, a big draw for me. I’m not sure how the men feel about this, but the women don’t emasculate their male co-stars so I guess that makes their strength acceptable.

 

Many times, a woman from a big city finds herself in a quaint rural town. Maybe she grew up there; maybe she found herself stranded there after a snowstorm or a car accident that left her with amnesia. By the end of the story, she always realizes that the small town is now home to her. No more big city stress. I grew up in a town of about 50 people but worked in Manhattan for 20 years, so I appreciate the conversion.

 

Another common template thread is that there’s some misunderstanding between the female and male leads that derails their relationship early on. One of them hears half of some conversation but doesn’t stick around to hear how it ends, jumping to a conclusion that the other is totally wrong for them. Eventually this gets straightened out, but not usually until the last 15 minutes of the two-hour movie.

 

Many of the stories have an artistic aspect, which also appeals to me. Sometimes it’s found in the female lead, sometimes in the male she encounters. Photography is a popular theme, and writing. A successful but reclusive writer falls in love with the aspiring author who has tracked him down to interview him in “Just My Type.” There have also been bakers, wine makers and chocolatiers. A semi-estranged daughter returns home to help her family, especially an injured father, run (or save) the family business. One time it was a pumpkin farm.

 

There are frequently widowers who are great fathers raising children on their own, or bachelor uncles who have custody of their late sibling’s children (and are clueless what to do with them). The lead woman comes into their lives and “rescues” them. The fathers might be dentists or veterinarians. The women are more often business professionals and less often in any medical field.

 

One thing Hallmark does well in its rom coms and is doing even more of is offering inclusionary casts. The Anglo lead often has a Black best friend. Secondary characters that are gay (male or female couples) are frequently worked into the story. There’s not a big fuss made over them. They’re just another part of the cast.

 

A further template variation has the lead and her male partner being set up on-line by well-meaning family members or friends. “Chance At Romance,” has the tween-age son of a widower pretending to be his successful but creatively blocked photographer dad. The son screens the women who reply to his ad and he invites one to visit. She of course thinks it’s the dad who invited her. Eventually, she and the son create the Pot Pie Of The Month Club. This brings the boy out of the funk he’s been in since his mother died and his father gets his mojo back taking pictures of the pies and their baker.

 

In another pairing via on-line family meddling, the main characters have evolving chemistry in “Straight From the Heart”. She’s an unsuccessful photographer who shoots garbage (literally) at the beginning of the film. By the end, she’s creating iconic photos of the American cowboy she’s met via the meddling and those earn her a solo show. I’ll watch this one until the cows come home. Or more precisely here, wild horses.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

Socially Invasive Species

Lately there’s been news about invasive species, especially in the waters around Florida. The two species I’ve read about most are the Burmese Python and the Lionfish. The Burmese Python has become such a problem in the Everglades that the South Florida Water Management District issued a hunting challenge with a $10,000 grand prize. Its purpose is to “incentivize a limited number of public-spirited individuals to humanely euthanize these destructive snakes.”

 

I’m not sure how one would do this humanely, but you can imagine what an incentive $10,000 would be. The hunters get paid $10 per hour and $50 for each python they catch that measures up to 4 feet, plus an extra $25 for each additional foot above 4. On top of that, they get $200 for each nest they deactivate. That’s quite a haul, and a lot of python skins for cowboy boots and handbags.

 

As for the Lionfish, they swarm in the Panhandle. That’s led to a tournament with cash prizes, too. Divers spear these predatory fish and sell them to local restaurants. Supposedly, those suckers can lay 27,000 eggs every two and a half days and can eliminate more than 80% of native species within five weeks. This not only plays havoc with the ecosystem, it’s a threat to the survival of coral reefs as well. 

 

As with invasive species like the Burmese Python and the Lionfish, Socially Invasive Species tend to settle in Florida, especially in retirement communities. I’ve collected some information about quite a few of these to share with you.

 

Let’s start with the Golf Cart Broncos. It’s no surprise that golf is a hugely popular activity, especially in retirement communities. Combine this with the cocktail hours that come after (and sometimes before) a golf outing, and it can be deadly. Inebriated duffers race around the community in their carts with little or no regard for the safety of the residents.

 

Close behind the Broncos are the Pickle Ball Fanatics. This sport has exploded in the past few years, especially in retirement communities. It’s not as physically stressful for the players as tennis is. But the noise of the ball clacking off the paddles is invasive to the auditory calm that nearby neighbors had planned to enjoy when they moved in.

 

Not as dangerous as these first two species but equally invasive are the Pool Hogs. Most retirement communities have a pool for their residents. It’s often a modest sized one, not meant to accommodate everyone who lives there, at least not at the same time. The invasive Pool Hogs use more than their fair share of time, thus keeping others from enjoying the facility. 

 

Happy Hour Earworms invade the peace and quiet even if they haven’t been golfing. It’s usually their loud and boisterous voices that interrupt the tranquility. They sometimes break into song, favoring oldies (very) but goodies (in the ear of the beholder). The further into Happy Hour it gets, the more invasive the antics of the Earworms become. What’s worse, as with other Earworms, it’s next to impossible to banish the songs from your head even when Happy Hour is over. 

 

The Peripatetic Travel Bug is psychologically invasive more so than physically. This species invades your comfort zone with detailed accounts of their recent trips abroad. Having retired with a comfortable income, they travel far, wide and frequently. There’s no escaping them unless you simply retire to your own nest and lock the door. 

 

The Meme Maniacs are a modern species, especially invasive on Facebook and other social media sites. Some of their posts are entertaining. The problem with the Maniacs, however, is a lack of discrimination about which memes are worthy of posting. The result is that one has to scroll through a lot of dross just to see a few cute cat ones.

 

Acronym Aficionados are a closely related invasive species to the Meme Maniacs, also showing up most often on social media. Some of these are useful, taking less time to type than it would to spell out the words. The main problem is that many seniors aren’t up to date on these shortcuts. So they clutter up the thread with questions like: “What does IMO mean? How is that different from IMHO? How about LOL and ROFL? What is FOMO?” If you don’t understand this last one, you’re definitely Missing Out.

 

This is by no means a complete list of Socially Invasive Species, but it captures the most common and most egregious ones. BOLO for them in your neighborhood.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

 

2022 Monopoly Game

Hearing all the mentions of SCOTUS and Roe v. Wade in the news had me thinking of water-related activities: row vs. wade.  This in turn made me picture a side of a new Monopoly board game: SCOTUS Row, with properties Wade, Breast Stroke and Butterfly. From there, it was full speed ahead to a 2022 revamp of that classic game. I’m limiting the number of players to six. The new tokens to choose from are: Tesla Model S, iPhone, COVID Spiked Ball, Spiced Pumpkin, Kale Leaf, and Avocado Toast.

 

Similar to SCOTUS Row, which launched this new initiative, there will be Congressional Row, with Senate and House properties, and Executive Row, with stops on POTUS, VPOTUS, and FLOTUS. One of the other sides will be home to Inflation Alley. In the inaugural edition, this will be represented by Energy, Groceries and Used Cars. Another side will house the Food Court Mall, with stops for shops on Organic Boulevard, Vegan Way and Gluten Free Avenue.

 

Peppered throughout these rows and alleys, as per the classic board, will be various taxes and utility companies. There won’t be a Luxury Tax, or even an Income Tax, but you should hope to avoid expensive stops on Health Care Tax and Real Estate Tax. If you land on any of the energy companies—Gasoline, Electric or Oil—it will cost you dearly.

 

Unlike the original game, there will not be a “Go Directly To Jail” square. Don’t get too complacent though. Instead, there will be a “Go to Debtor’s Prison.” You’ll have to roll doubles to get out of there. There will still be a “Free Parking” square, which will be free only on Sundays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and holidays. All other times it will cost $10. The list of holidays will be updated annually. The “Just Visiting” stop will be replaced by “Just Texting”. You’ll have to stay there texting until all the other players pass you by.

 

The four railroads will be replaced by four social media companies.  In the inaugural edition, those will be Facebook, YouTube, WhatsApp and Instagram. If you land on one, you’ll be able to open an account for $100. Then you’ll be able to collect $10 usage fees from others who land there later in the game. Chances are the list will change in future editions. Those games will obviously need to be renamed for the year they represent.

 

Fans of the classic Monopoly game are probably wondering how I plan to handle the Chance and Community Chest stops on the board. I’ll be leaving those intact. Of course I had to rethink what you’ll read on those cards when you land on one of those spots. I’m still working on what the Chance cards will say and I’m open to suggestions.

 

The Community Chest is where philanthropy comes in. It will become a source of support for both local and international NGOs, especially food banks and organizations that provide animal welfare support. If you pull one of those cards, it may tell you to donate money or volunteer hours to support the group listed. Players should decide in advance which local groups will be the recipients of the night’s largesse.

 

If you’ve already adopted a shelter pet (in real life), you’ll be allowed to take a pass when you pull a card that requires a donation. During the game, you can take that pass once for each pet you’ve adopted. Some of the cards will contain items on wish lists for a variety of NGOs. If you pull one of those, you’re on the honor system to comply when the game is over.

 

Certain Community Chest cards for food banks will require an actual donation of food or money to a local organization. To make the play go smoothly, you’ll want to bring some non-perishables with you to game night. Other cards will ask for recipes, so bring a few of those, too. If you run out of all of these before the game is over, you’re allowed to sign an IOU. As with the animal welfare items, the other players will have to trust you to make good on your promise.

 

The player with the most money at the end of the game wins. Since I put this together rather quickly, I’ll probably make some revisions. Feel free to send me your suggestions along with your Chance card ideas. You can also suggest replacement tokens for future editions, but I’ll decide whether or not to use them. It’s my party after all.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

Recipes and More On Tombstones

 A NY Times article covered a fairly new trend: people having their favorite family recipes engraved on tombstones. The author came across one accidentally when looking for a relative’s grave. That led her to search the cemetery for other examples and she found quite a few. It turns out folks have written books and e-zines with recipes found on memorials.

 

I don’t have a single recipe that would merit being engraved in granite. My mother was a fabulous baker; dozens of her recipes are tombstone worthy. She’s buried in a family plot and her personal marker is a small flat stone with barely enough room for her name and dates. My husband and I plan to be cremated and have yet to decide what instructions to leave for the disposition of our ashes. So I really don’t have a need for a recipe for posterity.

 

Needless to say, that didn’t stop me from pondering what I might want to appear above my remains, were I interred in a cemetery under a large stone marker. The first thing that came to mind was a limerick, some clever little rhyming ditty. I’d normally write something bawdy, but that would limit where it could go. Absent my usual snark, dark humor or blue language, I doubt anything I wrote would cut the mustard against a good recipe. Then again…

Here lie the remains of a lass

Who opted to turn them to ash.

She was incensed to learn that an oversized urn

Would be needed to hold her broad a**.

 

I’d love to have a clever cartoon mark my finally resting place. Maybe I could hire Gary Larsen to draw a Far Side style one that would showcase my humor. He’s so clever and I’ve always admired his use of language. He started creating cartoons again about two years ago. He’s five years younger than I am, but it might be wise to contract for my cartoon before I’ve moved on to the Rainbow Bridge.

 

I’d love to include all the cats I’ve adopted over the years in my final plans. I’ve had each of them cremated and my intention is to comingle their ashes with mine. My husband will also have his cremains in the mix, but we’ve never worked out the logistics. If I last at least five more years, I’ll probably have ten feline children with me. Counting me and Jagdish, that would be a dozen names to memorialize. I could commission an elaborate Indian mandala to incorporate them. I’ll bet that would attract a lot of attention in a cemetery.

 

Here’s another idea that’s more personal. I could list my favorite themes for tree trimming parties I’ve held. They might inspire graveyard wanderers. I made special invitations each year. The invite for my Potpourri Trim included small sachets that I filled with pine scented dried flowers. There was the Teddy Bears’ Trim, with the invitation based on their picnic song. Tulip and Daisy, my cats at the time, were jealous. So the next year I had a Cats’ Trim.

 

Eventually, I co-owned a house with a man who had an awesome collection of vintage model trains. When he set up his elaborate layout, we celebrated with the C M and E Railroad trim, using our initials and our version of the Pufferbellies song. “Down in the basement early in the morning, see the little pufferbellies all in a row. See the station master turn a little handle. Puff puff, toot toot, off they go.”

 

One of my last trims held in Providence had a Cozy Slippers theme. A few of our guests actually wore their slippers, which I really appreciated. Most came in their street shoes. That was disappointing. It’s not like I asked them to wear pajamas, after all, although that could have been a fun theme, too. I had dozens of trims over the years, but those I mentioned here are the ones that I feel are tombstone worthy.

 

Somewhere in this essay could be an idea that you’ll find helpful the next time you have to decide what to put on a gravesite marker. It’s never too soon to plan for the inevitable. Why not get creative about what you’ll leave for posterity?

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

New Facebook Fonts

Things I post on Facebook are sometimes met with complaints from friends who don’t understand that a lot of my comments are satirical. I usually reply: “Sorry. I forgot to use the satire font.” (Cut me some slack when I say “font” instead of “typeface.”) Facebook doesn’t have a satire font. It has lots of emojis but only one font, a plain sans serif. One mean spirited complaint was a comment on what should have been a non-offensive post. I decided it was time to create some new fonts for Facebook.

 

For all of them, I used Facebook behavior as my guide. I realized that their app will automatically substitute some of these for you, whether you want them to or not. Others will be under your own control as to whether to leave the default FB font or replace it with one of your own choosing. Once you input your keyword, FB will automatically substitute for you. Of course, the satire font was first on my list.

 

Here’s an apt definition of “satire” that I found by Googling: “The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” Boy, does that ever describe so many of my FB posts! I’m taking particular note of the word “exaggeration” in this definition. So FB’s new Satire Font can be any serif, 16 point, bold typeface, such as Cambria or Times.

 

A font that is sometimes confused with satire, or at least motivated by similar feelings, the new angry font should be sans serif and always bolded. When you’re angry, get right to the point, and help your reader get there, too. No getting distracted by squiggly lines at the ends of the letters. Verdana is a great choice for venting.

 

Are you planning to post on FB but you’re tuckered out? Go for the new tired FB font. Don’t overthink it. Sans serif Arial is easy to find, up near the beginning of the font alphabet. Go with whatever type size is the default in what you’re writing. It will probably be 10 or 12. You’ll want to lie down, so use the italic option.

 

Having a sad day? Just use whatever font is in front of you as you start typing. Chances are it will be serif if you’re composing on a word processor. If you’re writing on line, it will likely be sans serif. It’s OK to mix them. The sad FB font is flexible if nothing else.

 

Feeling silly? Comic sans is the perfect choice for this. Most people use it for all the wrong reasons, but silly is what it was intended for. I’m not sure if all platforms provide this option, but I believe that most do. If yours doesn’t, you’re entitled to use angry for this. Or sad. Whatever works.

 

The last FB substitution font under your own control is for when you’ve been insulted. Like the angry font, insulted is always bolded. However, it’s serif, because you want to take up as much time as possible from those who are reading your rant. It’s also a larger type size, because you want to be sure nothing gets overlooked.

 

Moving on to automatic substitution fonts, Facebook decides to take control of your posts whenever the spirit moves it. Animal Rescue Substitution Fonts are what you’ll see most often with my new Font Substitution option. Facebook will automatically substitute the faces of animals that need homes or are in danger, for the vowels in any words you type. Here are the substitutions you’ll see initially: A = cat; E = squirrel; I = rabbit; O = dog; U = raccoon. So “face” will read: “f [cat pix] c [squirrel pix]”. More animals for various consonants will likely follow.

 

The final font substitution that is under Facebook control is “Fake News”. If FB determines that your original post is not true or not correct, it will be changed to the Fake News font, aka Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire. You might see a flame coming out of one of the letters. Or FB might treat all the letters as though they’re on fire. If your system isn’t receptive to Facebook’s artsy attempts, you’ll just see a gray haze surrounding the fake news post.

 

I realize this is a lot to process in one post. If Facebook seems especially confusing in the future, don’t blame me. Blame my FB friends who didn’t know what “satire” meant.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

 

  

Sexual Misappropriation

The NY Times published an article recently about a new trend: men wearing women’s sexy lingerie. We’re not talking Tim Robbins wearing Susan Sarandon’s garter belts playing baseball in the movie Bull Durham. We’re talking full on Frederick’s of Hollywood teddies with provocative cutouts and mesh inserts. And we’re not talking just queer identity, non-binary and transvestites, although those segments are driving the bus. One company makes boxers of sheer lace that are so popular that they now have a wait list for their orders.

 

Suddenly, it seems like men are willing to do anything to get into women’s pants. And sadly not just metaphorically. “Men’s lingerie is one small part of a bigger movement,” said Francesca Muston, V.P. of a trend forecasting company. “You’ve got a whole generation… embracing the inclusivity and diversity within gender.” Well, I guess that’s one way to describe it. 

 

The trend might have begun with Spanx, but men have legitimate functional reasons to wear those. Here are some companies that are hopping on this. Leak NYC is a men’s lingerie brand that makes sexy bodysuits from fishnet and other see-through materials. They purport to have the marketing savvy to allow ample room up front. This of course has me wondering if “ample” comes in sizes, the way women’s bra cups do. Then there’s Cosabella, an Italian lingerie brand. They began selling lacy men’s briefs, semi-sheer thongs and colorful G-strings on their website last year.

Some men with more traditional tastes are also becoming enamored with the new lingerie. Steven Green, a photographer and plus-size model from Kansas City, had a gig walking the runway in the 2020 Savage x Fenty show. He claims that he never thought of lingerie for men until he worked with them. Before, he only wore briefs by Calvin Klein or Polo Ralph Lauren, but he has since expanded his undergarment wardrobe. I wonder if “expanded” means he selects styles that have “ample room up front.” I appreciate that tighty-whities can be boring but that’s no excuse for full on misappropriation.

OK. Enough about the sexual misappropriation of women’s lingerie. There are other far more serious areas where men are misappropriating issues that should be exclusively the domain of women. I’m talking about a woman’s right to control her own body.

Women are now at risk of having mostly male justices decide whether Roe v. Wade remains the law of the land. I’m not taking a position here on what decision a woman should make about continuing her own pregnancy. That’s personal and it should be private. I’m simply saying that what that decision is should be hers to make, not that of a group of men who know nothing about her. That includes the predominantly male legislators who make the laws of our states that regulate what a woman can or can’t do with her own body.

The men who believe they have a right to make those decisions for us are as guilty of sexual misappropriation as the ones who are now wearing lacey teddies and see-through thongs. If men could get pregnant, they would likely have a different opinion about a lot of these issues. If they want to appropriate parts of the birthing process, how about they start with developing birth control pills for men. (We’re still waiting for that.) Here’s a novel idea: sperm wranglers. (Like cats, but even more squirrely.) It’s one way to have men help prevent unwanted pregnancies.

Women have to live with the consequences of all these decisions, so they have the right to be the sole deciders. Until men are forced to live with similar consequences, they haven’t earned the right to be a party to those decisions, no matter how sexy they feel wearing our lingerie.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

Cut Yourself Some Slack

 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to appreciate afternoon naps. These often include one or two cats snoozing on top of me, making me reluctant to get up. I keep my phone nearby so I can take calls without disturbing the cats. On one of these calls recently, I felt guilty admitting that I was stretched out on the couch instead of doing something productive. My friend assured me there was no reason to feel that way. I said, “You know, you’re right. And that gives me an idea for a blog post.”

 

In case you’re not aware, I have stage 4 lung cancer and have been in a clinical study for over a year. I take two pills daily and get infusion treatments every three weeks. For the most part, I’m doing just fine, but I get tired and short of breath quite easily. Those afternoon naps are a welcome part of my day. I’ve decided to cut myself some slack and give myself permission to enjoy them.

 

My couch time has cut into several hobbies and projects that I could have been working on. I used to feel guilty that I wasn’t practicing my saxophone for the community band that I’m in. Despite my lung cancer, I can still play. Because of COVID fears, I haven’t been attending practices anyway, so procrastination comes easily for that to-do.

 

I have several writing projects that have been on the back burner for years. Mostly I do my writing on my desktop computer, which is upstairs in my loft area. I can easily talk myself out of climbing those steps. I’ve stopped beating myself over the head on that one, too. If I weren’t so lazy about taking walks, my energy level would no doubt improve and my weight would likely go down. Avoiding a walk used to be a major guilt trip. Not anymore, although the nicer weather is motivating me to go out more.

 

Then there’s the storage bins of yarn for making baby booties for new grandparents among my neighbors and acquaintances. I prefer to have a few pairs ready for when I learn about a new arrival. I crochet them in funky colors, but they’re still oriented to boy or girl babies, which means having several pairs on hand. My stockpile is almost out, especially for boys. Fortunately, there are no deliveries pending as far as I know. Other delayed distaff projects include piles of mending, both mine and my husband’s.

 

It dawned on me that over time our interests and our priorities can change. So I don’t feel guilty about ignoring any of these anymore. Instead, I'm often stretched out on the family room couch with two cats on top of me and Hallmark channel on TV (often a mystery, but sometimes a RomCom). And probably something I've already seen. Which is a good thing, because I often wind up napping through the ending.

 

Simply put, I’ve decided to cut myself some slack. I realize that at my age and with my health issues, I’m entitled to whatever down time I decide I need. Or want. It can be therapeutic, but it doesn’t have to be. I encourage all of you to try this.

 

You may be thinking: “Oh, I’m not that old.” Or: “I’m not sick.” You don’t need to be old or sick to benefit from doing what will make you happy rather than what you feel obligated to do. I was emailing with a friend recently while stretched out on our new couch. She’s much younger than I am. She and her sister had been at a movie where no one else was masked and a lot of folks were coughing. The two of them decided the environment was too risky, so they just walked out and went shopping instead.

 

I see this as another example of cutting yourself some slack, doing what you want to in the moment, rather than being concerned with what you "should" be doing, whatever the reason. Not worrying about what others might think about you, living in a “no judgment” zone is liberating. It doesn’t take much practice, but a comfortable couch is helpful to the process. And you don’t even need cats lying on top of you to enjoy it.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

GOATs and PIGs and Other Acronyms

 

By now you would have heard that Tom Brady had decided to retire, his status as the GOAT football professional firmly in place. For those who don’t know (likely very few of those who follow sports), GOAT stands for Greatest Of All Time. Since I started writing this, Brady has come out of retirement, likely poised to become even greater. Simone Biles is also a GOAT, for women’s gymnastics. She has a goat tattoo on her shoulder. There are other animal acronyms that undoubtedly are not familiar, so I’m going to define them here.

 

My personal favorite is PIG. It stands for Popular Inspirational Guru. That title is held by my husband, Jagdish Sachdev, owner of SPECTRUM-INDIA on Thayer Street in Providence. He’s so well recognized as the Guru of Thayer Street that a selfie with him often shows up as an item on scavenger hunts.

 

Another porcine acronym is SOW. That stands for Senior Opportunistic Widow, of which there are quite a few in almost every community. SOWs go on the hunt for recent widowers, especially ones who are financially well-heeled. Advice to any men who have recently lost your spouse: BOLO for SOWs in your circle of acquaintances. They are relentless.

 

Widowers might be attracted to a LAMB, however, if she’s not also a SOW. A LAMB is the Last And Most Beautiful in her circle of widowed friends who has not yet found a new mate. If she does latch onto a widower, she might become an alternative LAMB, that is: Luckiest And Most Beautiful. As long as she’s not a SOW, either LAMB can make a fine partner for a lonely widower.

 

Next we have DUCK, a Dude Using Charming Karma. DUCKs exist in all age groups. Just as a SOW will go after a recent widower, a DUCK might go after a recent widow, if she’s been left enough assets by her late husband. BOLO to recent widows, DUCKs can be relentless, too. As far as I know, there’s no male equivalent to the LAMB.

 

Someone else to watch out for is the SKUNK—a Senior Kahuna Using Noisy Kisses. The SKUNK latches onto you at a neighborhood gathering and plants a noisy, wet kiss on your cheek before you realize what’s happening. In the SKUNK’s mind, if the kiss is noisy enough, he hasn’t stolen it, so you shouldn’t complain. If you expect any SKUNKs at a garden party, keep a packet of tissues handy. Noisy ones are usually wet ones. Also, some SKUNKs use a seemingly innocent ‘hello’ hug to cop a feel. Have a stiff-arm ready when you see a SKUNK coming.

 

Desirable members of your community earn the acronym CHICKEN. The Charitable Helper In Community Kitchens (for) Elderly Neighbors is someone you’ll want in your contact list. They’ll help out in food pantries, soup kitchens, any place that provides food for older folks of limited means. And please, no jokes about chicken pot pies.

 

Another welcome older community member is a SHEEP. Those of you who care about our environment will be thrilled to have Senior Humanitarians Ending Environmental Pollution in your group. They’re often on the front lines of recycling efforts. They’re also likely to volunteer to help with park cleanup in the spring.

 

A truly noble acronym is FISH, First In Social Harmony. FISH are always welcome in social circles. They are the peacemakers in the community. Unlike real fish and the proverbial unwanted guests, they do not start to stink after three days either.

 

A SNAKE, on the other hand, is to be avoided at all cost. SNAKEs rarely last long in a community, or at least not long as a member in good standing. Be especially wary of SNAKEs if you have a neighborhood pool. Why? A SNAKE is a Sexy Newcomer And Kinky Exhibitionist. That says it all.

 

Finally, I propose one additional acronym, of which I hope to take ownership. That’s GOOSE. It stands for Greatest Of Our Senior Essayists. If anyone would like to challenge me for that title, go for it! I know at least one PIG who will vote for me.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited