How Trump Can Show He Doesn’t Hate Jews

President Trump has recently come under increasing criticism for not speaking out more forcefully against anti-Semitism in the U.S. When asked about this at a recent news conference, he referred to his daughter. Anyone who has ever heard the phrase “happens to be Black” or “happens to be gay” knows that what Trump originally intended to say was that Ivanka “happens to be Jewish.” Instead, as he often does, he changed horses midstream and said she “happens to be here.”

If it’s that difficult for #45 to even use the word “Jewish,” how can he expect us to believe he’s not anti-Semitic? It’s reached the point where speaking out will not be enough. The Times of Israel quoted prominent community members in its article: “Jewish groups seek action from Trump to match his words on anti-Semitism.” Fortunately for the President, we’ve put together five things he can do to show that he doesn’t hate Jews. To make these easier to follow, we’ve adapted them to be less rigorous than their traditional application.

1. Wear a yarmulke and a prayer shawl to all of his meetings, press conferences and rallies. He can use gold-plated bobby pins to affix his yarmulke over his thinning pate. Wearing this cap actually has an added benefit for him. It will keep his comb-over from flapping up in the wind and revealing his fake tan line.

2. Wear Teva sandals whenever he’s in Florida. This includes when he’s at Mar-a-Lago. Tevas are the go-to footwear for everyone who celebrates his or her Jewish identity. Socks are optional.

3. Don’t shake or touch any woman’s hand other than his wife’s. We’re still awaiting an opinion on whether he can touch his ex-wives’ hands, but we assume he’s not in any hurry to do that in any case. We’re also not sure if he can still grab pussies, but we’ll probably allow this since there will be a clothing barrier.

4. Stop working at sundown on Fridays and until sunset on Saturdays. On the surface, this might not seem like it will be too difficult for Mr. Trump. However, that translates to no airplane travel, no golfing and no use of any devices that have become such a staple in our everyday lives. That means absolutely NO Twitter during those 24 hours. This will be the ultimate test of how badly he wants to show that he’s not anti-Semitic. Actually, not quite ultimate. More like penultimate.

Because finally:

5. If he isn’t already—get circumcised. Either way, we’ll need proof of this from an unbiased third party. Think of it as “distrust and verify.” If he plans to have someone named Kelly authenticate this, it can’t be Kellyanne Conway. Megyn Kelly, on the other hand, will be acceptable.

And speaking of hands, this fifth item might expose the truth that The Donald really does have small hands. He would no doubt find that to be the unkindest cut of all.

If Speeches Were Tweets

Twitter had an IPO this week. They priced their shares at $26. Wall Street thought it was a better buy than Facebook had been and Twitter closed day one at $45. With 500 million tweets daily, Twitter has become an essential means of communication in our time-crunched society. Even the Pope tweets.

Those of us of a certain age remember when writing well and speaking eloquently were virtues. We were alive to read (and hear) some of the great speeches in history. What would we be reading today if our forefathers had been forced to keep their messaging to 140 characters? Let’s look at some of those writings.

Had the “Declaration of Independence” been a tweet, we would have read: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rig” Oooh! So close! But even with three more characters, we wouldn’t have known what those rights were. Just a few edits and some modernization and we have: “These truths are obvious: all of us are created equal and we’re born with undeniable rights like life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

Patrick Henry tweets quite well with some minor editing. “Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!” This squeaks in at just 140 characters.

Abraham Lincoln’s “Gettysburg Address,” on the other hand, doesn’t fare as well. “Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the propositio” We have to jettison the lofty lingo and abbreviate to get to all men being created equal. “27 yrs ago our fathers birthed on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty N dedicated to the idea that all men are equal.” That leaves just enough room to insert “and women”. So much better as a tweet!

FDR’s first inaugural address would have left us hanging. “This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only” Fortunately, Roosevelt provided some room to edit without loss of clarity, but the impact is not quite as inspiring. “This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and prosper. Let me assert that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

How does then VP candidate Richard Nixon’s “Checkers Speech” (defending his honesty and integrity) fare as a tweet? “Regardless of what happens, I'm going to continue this fight. I'm going to campaign up and down in America until we drive the crooks and the” At 140, that’s all he gets. He would never have left those Commie bastards unscathed and would more likely have texted: “Regardless, I'm going to keep fighting in America until we drive the crooks N the Commies N the creeps that defend them out of Washington.”

In contrast, John F. Kennedy has 39 characters to spare when he exhorts us: "My fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country." His brevity could explain why he won the election. It was a surfeit of (recorded) words, after all, that eventually brought Nixon down.

Neil Armstrong was a born tweeter. “That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” His version has the “a” inserted before “man,” and he still has 80 characters to spare.

President Reagan’s speech at the Berlin Gate would have been truncated to: “General Secretary Gorbachev, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, if you seek liberalization: ” Ronnie wouldn’t have had room to demand that Gorbachev open the gate and tear down the wall unless he’d been less formal. “Hey, Gen Sec Gorby! U want peace N prosperity 4 the Soviets N Eastern Europe? U wanna liberalize? Open this gate N tear down the damn wall!” Talk about impact!

As you can see, some great speeches gracefully make the transition to tweets. Others become ineloquent noise. Come to think of it, that’s not unlike today’s messaging.