How Trump Can Show He Doesn’t Hate Jews

President Trump has recently come under increasing criticism for not speaking out more forcefully against anti-Semitism in the U.S. When asked about this at a recent news conference, he referred to his daughter. Anyone who has ever heard the phrase “happens to be Black” or “happens to be gay” knows that what Trump originally intended to say was that Ivanka “happens to be Jewish.” Instead, as he often does, he changed horses midstream and said she “happens to be here.”

If it’s that difficult for #45 to even use the word “Jewish,” how can he expect us to believe he’s not anti-Semitic? It’s reached the point where speaking out will not be enough. The Times of Israel quoted prominent community members in its article: “Jewish groups seek action from Trump to match his words on anti-Semitism.” Fortunately for the President, we’ve put together five things he can do to show that he doesn’t hate Jews. To make these easier to follow, we’ve adapted them to be less rigorous than their traditional application.

1. Wear a yarmulke and a prayer shawl to all of his meetings, press conferences and rallies. He can use gold-plated bobby pins to affix his yarmulke over his thinning pate. Wearing this cap actually has an added benefit for him. It will keep his comb-over from flapping up in the wind and revealing his fake tan line.

2. Wear Teva sandals whenever he’s in Florida. This includes when he’s at Mar-a-Lago. Tevas are the go-to footwear for everyone who celebrates his or her Jewish identity. Socks are optional.

3. Don’t shake or touch any woman’s hand other than his wife’s. We’re still awaiting an opinion on whether he can touch his ex-wives’ hands, but we assume he’s not in any hurry to do that in any case. We’re also not sure if he can still grab pussies, but we’ll probably allow this since there will be a clothing barrier.

4. Stop working at sundown on Fridays and until sunset on Saturdays. On the surface, this might not seem like it will be too difficult for Mr. Trump. However, that translates to no airplane travel, no golfing and no use of any devices that have become such a staple in our everyday lives. That means absolutely NO Twitter during those 24 hours. This will be the ultimate test of how badly he wants to show that he’s not anti-Semitic. Actually, not quite ultimate. More like penultimate.

Because finally:

5. If he isn’t already—get circumcised. Either way, we’ll need proof of this from an unbiased third party. Think of it as “distrust and verify.” If he plans to have someone named Kelly authenticate this, it can’t be Kellyanne Conway. Megyn Kelly, on the other hand, will be acceptable.

And speaking of hands, this fifth item might expose the truth that The Donald really does have small hands. He would no doubt find that to be the unkindest cut of all.