On the ninth day of Christmas, my ornaments gave to me
(Take a deep breath here…)
9 Kitties Dancing,
8 Lions Lounging, 7 Zebras Swirling, 6 Reindeer A-Playing,
5 Roll…y Pigs…
4 Curly Sheep, 3 Fluffy Rabbits, 2 Funky Ostriches,
And a Flamingo with a Saxophone.
Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited
On the sixth day of Christmas, my ornaments gave to me
6 Reindeer A-Playing,
(Sing along now…)
5 Roll…y Pigs…
(Hold that note!)
On the first day of Christmas, my ornaments gave to me
A Flamingo with a Saxophone.
Stay tuned for remaining days!
As we round the bend to another year, it’s time to take a peek at the astrological forecasts for seniors for 2022. December is sometimes referred to as National Horoscope Month. It’s really just one more opportunity for media outlets to promote their forecasts. I’m no Linda Goodman, but I’m jumping into the fray by focusing on seniors. Here’s what you can expect for your sun sign next year.
APRIL is the month of the fiery sun sign Aries.
This marks the spring equinox and the beginning of a new astrological year. Just in time to file your income tax return, you’ll get a surprise financial windfall, but from where?
· Publishers Clearing House (the envelope you threw into the recycling pile)
· The Irish Sweepstakes (that you didn’t enter)
· A Nigerian prince. Yes, THAT Nigerian prince. (He’s not giving up.)
MAY is the month of that bull-headed Taurus.
Sad to say, your unexpected financial windfall in April will be followed in May by a major expense you didn’t plan on. Your car will be in the shop for:
· Passenger airbag defects
· A fuel pump leak
· Rear brakes slippage
JUNE is the month for Gemini, that moody, two-faced character.
World music day is celebrated in June in over 1,000 cities worldwide and hundreds in the U.S. alone. Here are just three cities to visit; one is bound to fit your mood. Or not.
· Latin in Miami
· Country Western in Nashville
· Jazz in New Orleans
JULY is for Cancer (the crab, not the disease).
The USPS is going to deliver:
· An overdue bill that was lost in the mail
· A package that belongs to your neighbor (again)
· Three solicitations from national charities. Be grateful it’s not more.
AUGUST is Leo’s month, that lovable but unpredictable feline!
Be very suspicious when you receive an unexpected message from:
· The IRS. (But is it really from the IRS?)
· A grade school friend that you haven’t heard from in 30 years.
· A distant relative you didn’t know you had. (But is he really your relative?)
SEPTEMBER marks Virgo’s domain, the detail-oriented virgin (whose ship has sailed).
If the pandemic put that trip to Portugal on hold, here’s what’s in store now:
· Your sister’s replaced knees and the power port in your chest will get both of you singled out for extra screening at the airport.
· Your luggage will get lost on the way over there. Pack your carry-on carefully.
· The airline you booked will go on strike after you land, stranding you in Europe.
OCTOBER is when Libra normally presents a pleasant balance in your life.
Unfortunately, not this year. The holiday season is on its way and that damnable Mercury is in retrograde again. Naturally all your appliances decide to break down.
· Your water heater (mid shower)
· Your washing machine (mid load)
· Your freezer (right after you filled it with holiday food)
NOVEMBER is when you’ll feel the sting of that rascal, Scorpio.
If October wasn’t bad enough, a trusted member of your service entourage is going to retire this month. Will it be:
· Your hairdresser of 25 years?
· Your cleaning lady of 15 years?
· Your cardiologist of 20 years?
DECEMBER is when Sagittarius takes aim. This year it’s on your modern electronics.
· You step on your talking scale and it just laughs at you.
· You ask Alexa to set a timer for your baking and she yells at you: “For the last time, I’m Siri, not Alexa!”
· Your Smartwatch is serving up only brain teasers and step count reminders.
JANUARY belongs to ambitious Capricorn.
Your tendency to break rules will catch up with you this year.
· Your HOA fines you $500 for keeping your holiday décor up too long.
· The CIA and the NSA have included you in their investigation of your international Facebook friends.
· You’re drummed out of your Mahjong group for palming tiles.
FEBRUARY celebrates Aquarius in this new Age of Aquarius.
Sadly the sun will not shine in for you this year. Your annual physical will reveal:
· You’ve gained another five pounds.
· You should take advantage of that Silver Sneakers offer that your health insurance plan keeps pushing.
· You need to increase the magnification on your cheater reading glasses. Again.
MARCH and Pisces mark world language month and the end of the Astrological year.
It’s an auspicious time to learn a language. Here are 3 challenging ones to for you.
· Mandarin Chinese—One of the hardest but also most widely spoken worldwide
· Arabic—Could be useful if you’re ever kidnapped traveling in the Middle East
· Navajo—So you can supplement Social Security with work as a code-breaker
There you have it. Twelve months of 2022’s astrological predictions just for seniors. And you thought 2021 was a bad year.
Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited
In case you missed it, Mercury went into retrograde again from September 27 through October 17 and we’ve entered another Age of Aquarius. According to astrologers, this happens as a result of the “great conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn,” which takes place every 20 years. However, only once every 800 years does this occur in the constellation Aquarius. Even though astrologically the name of the sign implies water and its symbol is water, Aquarius is an air sign. With one exception, it’s the first time in 200 years that the great convergence won’t happen in an earth sign.
I have no idea what this portends, but stay tuned to my blog. I might investigate it for next month, especially since noted astrologers tell us that Jupiter will remain in Aquarius for around a year, while Saturn will stay for two-and-a-half years. As a participant in the most celebrated Age of Aquarius (remember the 5th Dimension?), I’m compelled to Let the Sunshine In on how this new age will compare to the one in 1969.
Instead of bell bottoms, we now have Spandex Under Armour that leaves nothing to the imagination. I speak from experience on this. Bell bottoms looked cool on women and men. Spandex, not so much. And instead of Jesus sandals and Daughters of Olaf clogs (I had both), we now wear flip flops and Crocs (I wear neither).
Thanks to the Beatles, in the sixties and seventies, we wore colorful, flowing Indian kurtas. Now we see mostly drab hoodies on the street. My husband opened his SPECTRUM-INIDIA store on Thayer Street in Providence in 1967. It still exists and you can find kurtas there to this day. Probably hoodies, too, but I’m not going to ask him about them. Those are so not Age of Aquarius fashion items.
True proponents of The Age wore flowers in their hair-down-to-there. Now hair is either thinning and falling out, or men shave their heads bald. I didn’t go to San Francisco until much later, but I had waist long hair for years. Today I’m in the thinning camp, so I keep it short.
Other notable changes in societal and cultural habits you may notice? Sitars have been replaced with electronic synthesizers. You don’t hear much Ravi Shankar music (he died in 2012); it’s Ed Sheeran in today’s news. Oh, and after a six-year hiatus, Adele came back November 19 with a new album. Ravi’s daughter Norah Jones is reasonably popular, but not because she makes us nostalgic for her father’s music. Like Adele, she has a beautiful voice.
Following up on Indian influence, we don’t hear much about ashrams anymore, those communal living locales for free spirits. Hippies from the seventies now live in condos or HOAs (Homeowner Associations). In our current location, my husband and I are severely restricted even with regard to what we can display in our windows and on our doors and how many pets we can have. I’m not talking just goats in the yard. Our HOA limits indoor cats to two per household.
As for food, there have been too many changes in diet to even begin to get into that here. But if the ads on TV are any indication, it does seem we’ve rediscovered Nutella. Can Ovaltine be far behind? And as for transportation, we’ve gone from that treasure, the VW camper bus, to electric Teslas and hybrids. Those might be more practical, but they can’t possibly be as colorful or as much fun.
I can’t leave my review of my first Age of Aquarius without visiting some of my favorite TV shows. We had Laugh In (Sock it to me!) and Star Trek (Live long and prosper). The crew of the Enterprise might have gone “where no man has gone before”, but you’d have to be a hermit to not know that Captain Kirk (William Shatner) went to space in October aboard one of Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin New Shepard flights. Sort of what goes around comes around. Now the hot TV property is some bizarre program from South Korea called The Squid Game. I keep reading about it, but I have no desire to investigate.
The seventies Age of Aquarius was known for peace, harmony and understanding. Words like trust and love were guiding principles. Sadly, today’s age is known for stress, anxiety and anger. Trust has taken flight. Let’s hope that the next Blue Origin expedition can find it again up near the edge of space.
Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited.
There are more than a half dozen reasons why I’ve stayed on Facebook for more than a decade. But this summer it brought me unexpected new joy. I originally joined Facebook for networking for not-for-profit business reasons. I was the newly installed Executive Director of a federation of NFP agencies. Rather than risk their reputations by making mistakes or violating Facebook protocol on my initial activity, I joined under my own name.
Since I still use my birth name that quickly led to reconnecting with old friends who found me. I promptly learned that people share all sorts of routine information on the site. Photos of the previous night’s meal are just one popular example. Imagine my surprise when one day some friends’ postings were anything but mundane. They can best be described as providing me with unexpected bursts of joy.
As I scrolled through my news feed on that particular day, two photos that were not too far apart in the feed caught my attention. They were anniversary shots of friends who had each found their soul mates later in life. One couple lives in my neighborhood in Connecticut. The other is in New Jersey and is part of what I think of as my extended family. Though many couples marry in their twenties or early thirties, later marriages seem to be more and more common. My current husband and I married later in life.
I was gob smacked at how deliriously happy these two couples clearly are. Their obvious joy created a similar burst of joy in me, so much so that their photos brought me to the verge of tears. Of all the reasons I stay on Facebook despite the rancor that frequently erupts, photos like these are a key reason I check in at least once a day to see what’s going on in the Facebook world.
My husband and I never had children with either of our marriages. Photos of adorable grandchildren are among the most frequent postings on Facebook and another top reason I log in. I claim that I live vicariously through the offspring of others. I used to get that only with holiday cards that had the latest family photos. Now I get them all the time online. Shots of family pets, also popular, easily catch my attention, too, especially cats that were adopted from shelters. Those of my friends who don’t have their own offspring are almost guaranteed to have pets that might as well be human. Their photos are in fierce competition for likes and shares with those of toddlers, preteens and teenagers. Ditto for accounts of their birthday celebrations.
Speaking of those celebrations, one of Facebook’s features is providing daily reminders of friends’ birthdays. I usually post a short greeting on their feed, even if I don’t know them well. I consider it a friendly thing to do and most of them seem pleased and acknowledge the greetings.
Someone who found me early on was my best friend from our New Jersey grammar school. We went our separate ways in high school. Not because we had a falling out. We just had different interests and followed different paths. For example, I joined the band; she joined the rifle club. We were coming up on our 50th high school reunion and we wound up working together to spearhead our events, even though I now live in Connecticut. Previously, Facebook had also been useful for planning my college reunions and some other activities.
A more pedestrian benefit of Facebook networking is finding people and services for various needs. I’ve obtained recommendations for cleaning services that way. Other folks’ searches have turned up dog walkers. My own most recent request was for a wagon to help transport my saxophone, folding chair and music stand from a parking lot to an outdoor band shell for weekly practice.
Bursts of joy on seeing special anniversary photos. Pictures of new grandchildren. Shots of cuddly family pets. Those are some of the things that keep me on Facebook. Let’s hear it for vicarious pleasures!
Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited
For those who may not know, the backstory of this essay is that I’ve been in treatment for lung cancer for seven months. I’m having chemo and immunotherapy infusions every three weeks, continuing until February 2023. My cancer team had been encouraging me to have a port installed in my chest to make the infusions easier on everyone. Two months ago, I finally arranged to get “a port in the storm”.
Because I’m immunocompromised, I’ve been staying close to home during the COVID pandemic. I’ve entertained myself by doing a lot of jigsaw puzzles. My husband found two online that border on being perverse. Many of the pieces are the size of my pinky fingernail. Most are odd-shaped and don’t lock into one another. I had to use Scotch tape to hold them in place as I worked. When the cat one was finished, I posted a photo on Facebook. A friend observed: “I hope you had a lot of tape in the house!” Her comment gave me an idea.
If I can have a port for my infusions, why not implant some other useful things in my chest? The first would of course be a Scotch tape dispenser. Then I’d have all the tape I need for any crazy jigsaw puzzles my husband buys me. And just think how helpful it would be when I wrap holiday gifts. Even when I sit on the floor to do this, I’m forever wondering where the scissors and tape have gone under the sheets of paper. Of course, it would be dangerous to implant scissors, but tape would be great.
What I’d really like to have handy right here in my chest is dental floss. I have a lot of caps on my teeth and food is forever getting caught on their rough edges. I floss several times a day. A dispenser that goes with me from room to room would be a godsend.
I’m also a big lip balm user, but I’m not sure having one of those sticks implanted would be practical. How would my mouth reach it? On the other hand, a simple pump to dispense hand lotion would be useful and could work out okay.
Another item I’m often searching for around the house, especially when the slacks I have on are without pockets, is tissues. Imagine having your own tissue dispenser there in your chest! They’d be right where you need them when you feel a sneeze coming on. A similar implant could hold cotton balls. I don’t use nail polish anymore, but I’m sure any woman who does would be happy to have those little puffs pop right out of her chest when she was freshening up her manicure.
One of the symptoms that led to my lung cancer diagnosis was a debilitating cough. I kept lozenges on my bedside table so that I didn’t have to get up in the middle of the night to search for some. My cough cleared up once I started treatment, but before that, a chest dispenser would have come in handy. If you like this idea and the tissue one, best to get your pop-up port before flu season is upon us.
Most of these ideas involve personal care products. There’s a whole other category to consider—food items. One of my friends never goes out to eat without putting a pepper mill in her purse. Ditto for a dispenser for sea salt, which is supposedly far superior to refined table salt. If she had those on her—literally (in a pair of ports)—her purse would be lighter and she’d never be without her personal S&P.
There’s a grocery aisle full of condiments to consider, too. But if you imagine ketchup spurting out of a chest port… Well, that’s just plain gruesome. Even soy sauce paints a less than appetizing picture. Mustard and horseradish would probably be more visually acceptable. They’re healthier than ketchup, which is also something in their favor.
As you can see, a person wouldn’t need to be under treatment for cancer to find a chest port useful. These ideas should offer good investment opportunities for those celebrities on Shark Tank. Mark Cuban and Lori Grenier—if you’re reading this, feel free to contact me to “do the deal.”
Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited
All this time stuck at home has led to folks taking up old-fashioned hobbies to keep from going stir crazy. Many of us have discovered (or rediscovered) jigsaw puzzles. Another trend that had already begun before the pandemic is adult coloring books. And by that, I don’t mean X-rated. I mean ones with more complex patterns, like Indian mandalas, designed to appeal to adults.
I’ve noticed some interesting books on this trend, and I’ve seen new crayon colors on back-to-school promotions. But I haven’t seen crayons created especially for seniors. Here’s good news for people who’ve been wishing for those. I’ve put together a new selection with colors that reflect seniors’ every day lives.
It begins with some hair shades that once were popular with little old ladies. Clairol Blue in the seniors 24-pack is trendier than the color older women used to dye their hair. It’s kind of punk, for those of you who march to your own drummer. L’Oreal Purple is an alternative to Clairol Blue. Some of you will prefer the more predictable blue; others will go all out with this purple. Enhance your coloring book designs by using both.
Keeping in this segment of the color wheel, the ever-essential Velcro Violet matches the sparks you see when you undo Velcro straps in a dimly lit room. Bad Mood Indigo is much darker than Velcro Violet, for when your frame of mind is truly gloomy. I perk up the wheel and your spirits with Widow Scarlet, an uplifting shade for any woman who finds herself on her own at this stage of life.
Moving on I have another bright choice that’s even more invigorating than Widow Scarlet. Roadster Red is the red-family crayon that men will grab as soon as their pack is opened. Sporty women will gravitate toward it, too. Rolling along the color wheel, no seniors 24-pack would be complete without Golf Cart Green. I’ve included this one expressly for duffers, and there are plenty of you in senior communities. Parked nearby in the pack, you’ll find Scooter Orange. Vroom! Vroom!
I’ve included a potpourri of interesting and livelier colors. In the game zone, I have Shuffleboard Disc Blue-green, inspired by that game’s energy. Spread it around with gusto! Chardonnay Yellow was a no-brainer. It matches the wine that is served at every Mahjong game. If you’re not a fan of Chardonnay, you might enjoy using Rosé Rose, a trendy alternative to heavy wine shades in the red family.
Other semi-bright colors reflect seniors’ physical issues and commonly prescribed medications. Bat Wing Pink is mostly for women. I’m sure some men get bat wings, too, but for some reason we notice them most on our female friends. Add to your pink tones with Cataracts Carnation. It’s brighter than Bat Wing Pink and can mimic a prism when scattered throughout a design. Scooter Orange too bright for your tastes? Choose Diuretic Apricot as a soothing alternative. On the other hand, Statin Cerulean is a stimulating shade in the blue-green family that will enliven any design.
Crayons in the brown family, though less exciting, are a must-have in any set. No senior crayon pack would be complete without Liver Spot Brown. Another obvious choice, Neck Wattle Beige makes an appropriate companion. In related medication colors, you’ll find Beta-Blocker Umber. It’s deep and earthy, an essential brown shade. Last in this subset is the ever-popular Earwax Mustard. Benjamin Moore was the source for the particular shade in the seniors 24-pack. Practice your colorist skills by blending these four together.
Crayons in the white and gray families are also staples of a proper set. The simple yet sophisticated Mahjong Tile Ivory is a useful neutral color. One of the lighter colors named for senior medications is Plavix Pearl, part of a calming palette. Nana White will become a favorite color for those of you who have grandchildren. Many older ladies will gravitate toward Goat Hair Silver. It was created to match those unsightly brittle hairs that sprout on our necks after a certain age. Finally, there’s Old Hag Wart Grey. Though named for females, even men should feel free to use this one.
There you have it—the new and exciting crayons created especially for seniors. Look for them soon in a store near you. Not available yet on Amazon, but I’m working on it.
Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited.
Recently I came across a phrase in an opinion column that sent me to Google to understand it. It was something like “Jones for Internet.” To me, Jones had always been someone’s surname. Or someone middle class folks tried to keep up with. Turns out, today “Jones” is a craving for something, or an addiction, especially heroin. In the opinion piece, it seemed to be about notoriety.
Bad enough we had to get used to common nouns that are now baby’s names, like Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s girl), Blue Ivy (Beyoncé and Jay Z’s bundle of joy), and Fuschia, (Sting’s color-competitive daughter with Frances Tomelty). Now we have to keep updated on “normal” people’s names that have completely different meanings. As long as we’re subjected to this name muddle, I’ve put together a list of woke baby names (and corresponding nicknames) for parents who are Jones on politics.
Filibuster Nicknames Filly if it’s a girl; Buster if it’s a boy
This term has always stirred up controversy, so it’s a terrific choice for parents who want to annoy those in their political circle who hold views contrary to their own. The boy’s nickname is especially appropriate.
Cancel Culture Nickname Ceci (pronounced see-see)
A timely name for 2021, and another choice that will stir up controversy if that’s what floats the parents’ boat. The nickname will help the child make friends at school, especially with those who are Latinx. They’ll assume you’re always agreeing with them.
Gerry Mandering Nickname G-Man
This is one of my favorite woke names. It’s a great unisex name. It has the benefit of allowing a girl to go by just Gerry, if she doesn’t warm to being called a G-man.
Budget Reconciliation Nickname Budgie Ree
Another timely name for 2021, guaranteed to be a favorite of Democrats who have given up trying to get bipartisan support. Which brings us to the next entry.
Bipartisan Nickname Bippa (pronounced like Pippa, Kate Middleton’s sister)
Another favorite of Democrats, especially those who feel Biden is being dissed by Mitch McConnell. Parents who choose this name should definitely not use Bi as a nickname. Sexual orientation is too complicated already these days.
Infrastructure Nickname Inf (kind of like Alf, the alien)
This name should have a long shelf life. Infrastructure projects take years to complete. And they don’t begin until a bill has been passed (and signed) to provide their funding. Enough said.
De-escalation Nickname Decal
De-escalation has come into its own in 2021 because of all the police involved shooting deaths. Get some decals made for bumper stickers and rear windshields to remind everyone how important it is to de-escalate.
Hegemony Nickname Heggy
This choice should be favored by far right advocates of white male supremacy. It’s much subtler than naming your kid Nazi and more pleasant sounding than Boogaloo. It will generate less conflict, since most folks won’t know what hegemony means anyway.
Stare Decisis Nickname Steady
Those who are obsessed with Supreme Court cases and concerned about the rightward tilt of the current bench should like this name. It suggests having a steady hand on the tiller, following legal precedents for issues decided in the past.
Finally, here are two suggestions for sets of twins, a more and more common occurrence, especially for older couples using in vitro fertilization.
Ear-Mark and Pork-Barrel Nicknames Emmy and Pibble
These names are inspired by the budget appropriations process. Items get added to a bill that have nothing to do with the budget’s primary purpose. They’re allowed in because earmarks bring the pork back home for the legislators who otherwise would refuse to vote in favor of the bill. The nicknames are especially appropriate. Legislators are often deserving of Emmy awards for their oratory. They’ve also been known to behave like pit bulls to get what they want. If only they were as cute as Pibbles…
Disen and Franchise Nicknames Dizzy and Frankie
These two come into play in 2021 because of all the statewide changes to voter registration rules. Republicans insist these will make voting safer and reduce fraud. Democrats claim all these changes are simply ways to disenfranchise voters of color. Frankly (Frankie), the back and forth on this is leaving many of us Dizzy.
No doubt many of you have already thought of more woke names to add to this list. I have ten alternates that I didn’t use. I decided this list would provide more than enough choices for woke parents. I assumed that adding more would just put the rest of us to sleep. Maybe that wouldn’t have been so bad after all.
Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited
