NFTs That I’m Selling

 Melania Trump recently made a media splash by offering an NFT of her “cobalt blue eyes” for about $180. An NFT, or “non-fungible token,” is a way to sell digital “art”. It can’t be illegally replicated or altered once it’s been created. The “artist” mints their work on one of several NFT marketplaces by creating a detailed smart contract that is then stored on a cryptocurrency blockchain. I can see your eyes are glazing over, so I’ll move on. I’m not offering any NFTs of my eyes, but I think you’ll find some interesting and affordable options here.

Digital versions of my mouth.          $100 together

The real one may be the smallest adult mouth extant. I’m also providing a version resized in Photoshop. I won’t use the fixed aspect ratio, so it won’t be thicker, just wider. You can keep both versions. That way you’ll recognize me in photos that haven’t been retouched.

 

My right earlobe, which has been pierced crooked.         $100

This is thanks to my attempt to do it myself with a sewing needle as a teenager. I panicked part way through the piercing. My neighbor, an RN, took over and finished it with a hypodermic needle. I had started it crooked and she finished on the same angle. Folks are forever telling me I’m about to lose an earing from that ear. I explain: No. It’s just pierced crooked. Your NFT of it can be a real conversation starter!

 

My neck wattle, which is now so prominent that it rivals Mitch McConnell’s.     $125

You get a bonus with this NFT. I often camouflage my wattle with stylish neck scarves. Your digital version comes shown with the scarf of your choice. Several options are provided. Buy two and get the third one free!

 

My Chest Port, which is probably my most unusual NFT.               $250

It’s not the most attractive NFT that I’m offering here, but I’ll bet I’m the only one who has a port for sale. It’s also my most recent bodily intrusion. That’s worth extra.

 

The scar from my TRAM surgery for my mastectomy.     $200

It looks a lot like a Cesarean scar, and it’s the biggest scar I have, with an interesting history. The short version is that my right breast was rebuilt with a then state-of-the-art procedure using my abdomen. It was a hell of a way to get a tummy tuck.

 

My naval as reconstructed during my TRAM surgery.     $175

It’s slightly off-center, which adds a certain cachet. It’s an innie, as was my original naval. That’s now located at the top of my reconstructed right breast. TMI so that’s not being offered as an NFT.

 

The U-shaped scar on the outside of my right foot.          $150

What a story there! I must have been around 7 or 8 years old. I tried to pirouette around one of the metal poles holding up the awning over our neighbor’s front patio extension. I knocked over and broke the milk bottle next to the pole. I have no idea why I didn’t see it before my acrobatics. Of course it broke and cut my foot. Not badly enough to do anything more than put pressure on it to stop the bleeding, but it left a scar that I see it as a badge of honor of sorts.

 

Collection of smaller scars from my lung cancer medical procedures.    $150 together

There’s the tiny one near my Adam’s apple from my mediastinoscopy. The biopsy from my earlier bronchoscopy at Hartford Health Care was inconclusive and had found no cancer. Second opinions from Yale and Dana Farber recommended a more thorough scoping. That was done at Yale and found cancer in three lymph nodes. Also included is the small scar on my back below my ribs from a Video Assisted Thoracic Surgery. That found cancer in some nodules on my pleural lining, making my cancer stage 4. Hence I consider this scar significant even though it’s small. These scars are being sold as a lot.

 

My liver spots that form popular constellations.   $100 each

The Pleiades, aka seven sisters, are found on my left hand; Aquila (the eagle) decorates my right hand; the large singleton liver spot on top of my left thigh is the distinctive Evening Star, aka Venus; Cygnus (the Northern Cross) lives on my right thigh and the points of the cross are connected by spider veins. This NFT also comes with the offer to buy one constellation and get the second half off. What a deal!

 

There you have it. Nine exciting NFT options of digital body images of your favorite blogger. Because these are digital, I can offer multiple copies. NFT technology assures they’re authentic and non-reproducible, other than by me. All inquiries welcome.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

Banned Words and Phrases for 2022

 

As with previous years, many entries on my 2022 list of banned words and phrases come from our president. Trump gave us some whoppers; Biden is responsible for some real doozies. Trump’s were often offensive; Biden’s were frequently overused. We found ourselves thinking: “He always says that.” Here’s this year's list.

 

Let’s start by banning the use of two proper names, except for the people who were given these names when they were born. The first is “Karen”. For those who don’t know (where have you been?), calling someone Karen, or “a Karen” is the latest way to insult a woman (usually white) who is self-centered and demanding. Instead hit them with the deets of what it is you don’t like. Don’t tip toe around by calling them Karen.

 

The second name is even more annoying: “Brandon”. The phrase “Let’s Go Brandon” has become a rallying cry for people who hate Biden. For those who don’t know (again, where have you been?), somehow the president’s name has morphed into “Brandon” as a way to troll him without directly insulting him. You hear this in the background at Trump’s rallies and on certain right wing TV programs. It’s just plain silly so cut it out.

 

As always, I have some political terms to put into 2022’s dumpster, starting with “whataboutism”. This not-so-clever way of deflecting attention away from one’s own failings must end. A counteraccusation or new issue in the discussion doesn’t absolve you of whatever misdeed you committed. Here’s an idea. Try “I’m sorry” instead.

 

I’m also so over hearing the expression “sausage-making”. I blame the Democrats for this one. Their budget process was so convoluted that legislators were reduced to defending it by apologizing for making us hear about the sausage-making. This did not help. I’m hopeful that the phrase and the process are behind us for 2022.

 

Here’s a word to get rid of and replace with something that better explains what it was originally meant to convey: “defund”. In most cities, the intention was not to drain 100% of the budget of the local police department so that there were no police. It was to shift funds from certain activities that were causing problems and invest in ones that could help with problem solving. In most cases, that meant more funding for mental health. Stop talking “defunding” and start talking solutions. How about: “Shift some funds” from street police to social workers trained to address mental health issues.

 

We can give conservatives credit for the next two items on this list. “Snowflake” is a descriptor that has fallen into ill repute on both sides of the aisle, but those on the right seem particularly fond of it. It’s been around for over a decade, but it really came into its own in 2021 to describe someone with an inflated sense of their own uniqueness or an undeserved sense of entitlement. The original Karen is probably a snowflake.

 

The far right gets credit for my ban of “false flag”. The riots of January 6 illustrate why we need to trash this term. Spend some time looking at videos of that event. You’d need to credit someone with incredible skill in Photoshop to believe that the perpetrators responsible are correct in blaming others not seen in the videos. The rioters’ claims are a “false flag”: a deliberate misrepresentation of their own affiliations or motives.

 

Now let’s share some Bidenisms that we need to ban. The first is a group of several that all mean about the same thing and get repeated until they send you to the TV mute button. We have four negatives: “not a joke/not kidding/all kidding aside/no really”. For variety, try the positive: “seriously.” Or “honestly.” Or… you get the idea.

 

Another Biden favorite that gets overused is: “Here's the deal”. Ordinarily there would be nothing wrong with this phrase. But in Biden’s hands (or mouth), it’s losing its luster. If he can just give it a rest in 2022, perhaps I’ll let him have it back after the midterms.

 

The final Bidenism on my list is: “That's not hyperbole”. Indeed, it’s likely that whatever he just referred to was not hyperbole. As a figure of speech, a hyperbolic statement is usually not meant to be taken literally. I’m not always sure about what Biden has just said. Did he mean: take what I’ve said literally? Or was it a mild exaggeration? I want to know. No really.

 

And so this year’s list of banned words and phrases comes to a close. I’ve given you some real gems to jettison going forward.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

12 Days of Christmas—Day 12

 

For the final day of Christmas countdown, with a head nod to Winnie the Pooh. 

 

On the twelvth day of Christmas, my ornaments gave to me

 

12 Heffalumps Galumping, 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11 Micies Micing,

 

10 Giraffes Necks-Stretching,

 

9 Kitties Dancing, 

 

8 Lions Lounging,

 

7 Zebras Swirling,

 

6 Reindeer A-Playing,

 

5 Roll…y Pigs…

 

4 Curly Sheep,

 

3 Fluffy Rabbits,

 

2 Funky Ostriches,

 

And a Flamingo with a Saxophone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

12 Days of Christmas—Day 9

 

On the ninth day of Christmas, my ornaments gave to me

(Take a deep breath here…)

9 Kitties Dancing,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 Lions Lounging, 7 Zebras Swirling, 6 Reindeer A-Playing,

 

5 Roll…y Pigs…

4 Curly Sheep, 3 Fluffy Rabbits, 2 Funky Ostriches,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And a Flamingo with a Saxophone.

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

12 Days Christmas Ornaments--Day Six

On the sixth day of Christmas, my ornaments gave to me

6 Reindeer A-Playing,

 

(Sing along now…)

5 Roll…y Pigs…

(Hold that note!)

4 Curly Sheep,

3 Fluffy Rabbits,

2 Funky Ostriches,

And a Flamingo with a Saxophone.

 

12 Days of Christmas — Day 1

 

On the first day of Christmas, my ornaments gave to me

A Flamingo with a Saxophone.

 

 

 

Stay tuned for remaining days!
 

Annual Horoscopes for Seniors

As we round the bend to another year, it’s time to take a peek at the astrological forecasts for seniors for 2022. December is sometimes referred to as National Horoscope Month. It’s really just one more opportunity for media outlets to promote their forecasts. I’m no Linda Goodman, but I’m jumping into the fray by focusing on seniors. Here’s what you can expect for your sun sign next year.

 

APRIL is the month of the fiery sun sign Aries.

This marks the spring equinox and the beginning of a new astrological year. Just in time to file your income tax return, you’ll get a surprise financial windfall, but from where?

·      Publishers Clearing House (the envelope you threw into the recycling pile)

·      The Irish Sweepstakes (that you didn’t enter)

·      A Nigerian prince. Yes, THAT Nigerian prince. (He’s not giving up.)

 

MAY is the month of that bull-headed Taurus.

Sad to say, your unexpected financial windfall in April will be followed in May by a major expense you didn’t plan on. Your car will be in the shop for:

·      Passenger airbag defects

·      A fuel pump leak

·      Rear brakes slippage

 

JUNE is the month for Gemini, that moody, two-faced character.

World music day is celebrated in June in over 1,000 cities worldwide and hundreds in the U.S. alone. Here are just three cities to visit; one is bound to fit your mood. Or not.

·      Latin in Miami

·      Country Western in Nashville

·      Jazz in New Orleans

 

JULY is for Cancer (the crab, not the disease).

The USPS is going to deliver:

·      An overdue bill that was lost in the mail

·      A package that belongs to your neighbor (again)

·      Three solicitations from national charities. Be grateful it’s not more.

 

AUGUST is Leo’s month, that lovable but unpredictable feline!

Be very suspicious when you receive an unexpected message from:

·      The IRS. (But is it really from the IRS?)

·      A grade school friend that you haven’t heard from in 30 years.

·      A distant relative you didn’t know you had. (But is he really your relative?)

 

SEPTEMBER marks Virgo’s domain, the detail-oriented virgin (whose ship has sailed).

If the pandemic put that trip to Portugal on hold, here’s what’s in store now:

·      Your sister’s replaced knees and the power port in your chest will get both of you singled out for extra screening at the airport.

·      Your luggage will get lost on the way over there. Pack your carry-on carefully.

·      The airline you booked will go on strike after you land, stranding you in Europe.

 

OCTOBER is when Libra normally presents a pleasant balance in your life.

Unfortunately, not this year. The holiday season is on its way and that damnable Mercury is in retrograde again. Naturally all your appliances decide to break down.

·      Your water heater (mid shower)

·      Your washing machine (mid load)

·      Your freezer (right after you filled it with holiday food)

 

NOVEMBER is when you’ll feel the sting of that rascal, Scorpio.

If October wasn’t bad enough, a trusted member of your service entourage is going to retire this month. Will it be:

·      Your hairdresser of 25 years?

·      Your cleaning lady of 15 years?

·      Your cardiologist of 20 years?

 

DECEMBER is when Sagittarius takes aim. This year it’s on your modern electronics.

·      You step on your talking scale and it just laughs at you.

·      You ask Alexa to set a timer for your baking and she yells at you: “For the last time, I’m Siri, not Alexa!”

·      Your Smartwatch is serving up only brain teasers and step count reminders.

 

JANUARY belongs to ambitious Capricorn.

Your tendency to break rules will catch up with you this year.

·      Your HOA fines you $500 for keeping your holiday décor up too long.

·      The CIA and the NSA have included you in their investigation of your international Facebook friends.

·      You’re drummed out of your Mahjong group for palming tiles.

 

FEBRUARY celebrates Aquarius in this new Age of Aquarius.

Sadly the sun will not shine in for you this year. Your annual physical will reveal:

·      You’ve gained another five pounds.

·      You should take advantage of that Silver Sneakers offer that your health insurance plan keeps pushing.

·      You need to increase the magnification on your cheater reading glasses. Again.

 

MARCH and Pisces mark world language month and the end of the Astrological year.

It’s an auspicious time to learn a language. Here are 3 challenging ones to for you.

·      Mandarin Chinese—One of the hardest but also most widely spoken worldwide

·      Arabic—Could be useful if you’re ever kidnapped traveling in the Middle East

·      Navajo—So you can supplement Social Security with work as a code-breaker

 

There you have it. Twelve months of 2022’s astrological predictions just for seniors. And you thought 2021 was a bad year.

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

Another Age of Aquarius

 

In case you missed it, Mercury went into retrograde again from September 27 through October 17 and we’ve entered another Age of Aquarius. According to astrologers, this happens as a result of the “great conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn,” which takes place every 20 years. However, only once every 800 years does this occur in the constellation Aquarius. Even though astrologically the name of the sign implies water and its symbol is water, Aquarius is an air sign. With one exception, it’s the first time in 200 years that the great convergence won’t happen in an earth sign.

 

I have no idea what this portends, but stay tuned to my blog. I might investigate it for next month, especially since noted astrologers tell us that Jupiter will remain in Aquarius for around a year, while Saturn will stay for two-and-a-half years. As a participant in the most celebrated Age of Aquarius (remember the 5^th Dimension?), I’m compelled to Let the Sunshine In on how this new age will compare to the one in 1969.

 

Instead of bell bottoms, we now have Spandex Under Armour that leaves nothing to the imagination. I speak from experience on this. Bell bottoms looked cool on women and men. Spandex, not so much. And instead of Jesus sandals and Daughters of Olaf clogs (I had both), we now wear flip flops and Crocs (I wear neither).

 

Thanks to the Beatles, in the sixties and seventies, we wore colorful, flowing Indian kurtas. Now we see mostly drab hoodies on the street. My husband opened his SPECTRUM-INIDIA store on Thayer Street in Providence in 1967. It still exists and you can find kurtas there to this day. Probably hoodies, too, but I’m not going to ask him about them. Those are so not Age of Aquarius fashion items.

 

True proponents of The Age wore flowers in their hair-down-to-there. Now hair is either thinning and falling out, or men shave their heads bald. I didn’t go to San Francisco until much later, but I had waist long hair for years. Today I’m in the thinning camp, so I keep it short.

 

Other notable changes in societal and cultural habits you may notice? Sitars have been replaced with electronic synthesizers. You don’t hear much Ravi Shankar music (he died in 2012); it’s Ed Sheeran in today’s news. Oh, and after a six-year hiatus, Adele came back November 19 with a new album. Ravi’s daughter Norah Jones is reasonably popular, but not because she makes us nostalgic for her father’s music. Like Adele, she has a beautiful voice.

 

Following up on Indian influence, we don’t hear much about ashrams anymore, those communal living locales for free spirits. Hippies from the seventies now live in condos or HOAs (Homeowner Associations). In our current location, my husband and I are severely restricted even with regard to what we can display in our windows and on our doors and how many pets we can have. I’m not talking just goats in the yard. Our HOA limits indoor cats to two per household.

 

As for food, there have been too many changes in diet to even begin to get into that here. But if the ads on TV are any indication, it does seem we’ve rediscovered Nutella. Can Ovaltine be far behind? And as for transportation, we’ve gone from that treasure, the VW camper bus, to electric Teslas and hybrids. Those might be more practical, but they can’t possibly be as colorful or as much fun.

 

I can’t leave my review of my first Age of Aquarius without visiting some of my favorite TV shows. We had Laugh In (Sock it to me!) and Star Trek (Live long and prosper). The crew of the Enterprise might have gone “where no man has gone before”, but you’d have to be a hermit to not know that Captain Kirk (William Shatner) went to space in October aboard one of Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin New Shepard flights. Sort of what goes around comes around. Now the hot TV property is some bizarre program from South Korea called The Squid Game. I keep reading about it, but I have no desire to investigate.

 

The seventies Age of Aquarius was known for peace, harmony and understanding. Words like trust and love were guiding principles. Sadly, today’s age is known for stress, anxiety and anger. Trust has taken flight. Let’s hope that the next Blue Origin expedition can find it again up near the edge of space.

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited.

A Burst of Joy on Facebook

 

There are more than a half dozen reasons why I’ve stayed on Facebook for more than a decade. But this summer it brought me unexpected new joy. I originally joined Facebook for networking for not-for-profit business reasons. I was the newly installed Executive Director of a federation of NFP agencies. Rather than risk their reputations by making mistakes or violating Facebook protocol on my initial activity, I joined under my own name.

 

Since I still use my birth name that quickly led to reconnecting with old friends who found me. I promptly learned that people share all sorts of routine information on the site. Photos of the previous night’s meal are just one popular example. Imagine my surprise when one day some friends’ postings were anything but mundane. They can best be described as providing me with unexpected bursts of joy.

 

As I scrolled through my news feed on that particular day, two photos that were not too far apart in the feed caught my attention. They were anniversary shots of friends who had each found their soul mates later in life. One couple lives in my neighborhood in Connecticut. The other is in New Jersey and is part of what I think of as my extended family. Though many couples marry in their twenties or early thirties, later marriages seem to be more and more common. My current husband and I married later in life.

 

I was gob smacked at how deliriously happy these two couples clearly are. Their obvious joy created a similar burst of joy in me, so much so that their photos brought me to the verge of tears. Of all the reasons I stay on Facebook despite the rancor that frequently erupts, photos like these are a key reason I check in at least once a day to see what’s going on in the Facebook world.

 

My husband and I never had children with either of our marriages. Photos of adorable grandchildren are among the most frequent postings on Facebook and another top reason I log in. I claim that I live vicariously through the offspring of others. I used to get that only with holiday cards that had the latest family photos. Now I get them all the time online. Shots of family pets, also popular, easily catch my attention, too, especially cats that were adopted from shelters. Those of my friends who don’t have their own offspring are almost guaranteed to have pets that might as well be human. Their photos are in fierce competition for likes and shares with those of toddlers, preteens and teenagers. Ditto for accounts of their birthday celebrations.

 

Speaking of those celebrations, one of Facebook’s features is providing daily reminders of friends’ birthdays. I usually post a short greeting on their feed, even if I don’t know them well. I consider it a friendly thing to do and most of them seem pleased and acknowledge the greetings.

 

Someone who found me early on was my best friend from our New Jersey grammar school. We went our separate ways in high school. Not because we had a falling out. We just had different interests and followed different paths. For example, I joined the band; she joined the rifle club. We were coming up on our 50^th high school reunion and we wound up working together to spearhead our events, even though I now live in Connecticut. Previously, Facebook had also been useful for planning my college reunions and some other activities.

 

A more pedestrian benefit of Facebook networking is finding people and services for various needs. I’ve obtained recommendations for cleaning services that way. Other folks’ searches have turned up dog walkers. My own most recent request was for a wagon to help transport my saxophone, folding chair and music stand from a parking lot to an outdoor band shell for weekly practice.

 

Bursts of joy on seeing special anniversary photos. Pictures of new grandchildren. Shots of cuddly family pets. Those are some of the things that keep me on Facebook. Let’s hear it for vicarious pleasures!

 

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

A Port In the Storm

For those who may not know, the backstory of this essay is that I’ve been in treatment for lung cancer for seven months. I’m having chemo and immunotherapy infusions every three weeks, continuing until February 2023. My cancer team had been encouraging me to have a port installed in my chest to make the infusions easier on everyone. Two months ago, I finally arranged to get “a port in the storm”.

 

Because I’m immunocompromised, I’ve been staying close to home during the COVID pandemic. I’ve entertained myself by doing a lot of jigsaw puzzles. My husband found two online that border on being perverse. Many of the pieces are the size of my pinky fingernail. Most are odd-shaped and don’t lock into one another. I had to use Scotch tape to hold them in place as I worked. When the cat one was finished, I posted a photo on Facebook. A friend observed: “I hope you had a lot of tape in the house!” Her comment gave me an idea.

 

If I can have a port for my infusions, why not implant some other useful things in my chest? The first would of course be a Scotch tape dispenser. Then I’d have all the tape I need for any crazy jigsaw puzzles my husband buys me. And just think how helpful it would be when I wrap holiday gifts. Even when I sit on the floor to do this, I’m forever wondering where the scissors and tape have gone under the sheets of paper. Of course, it would be dangerous to implant scissors, but tape would be great.

 

What I’d really like to have handy right here in my chest is dental floss. I have a lot of caps on my teeth and food is forever getting caught on their rough edges. I floss several times a day. A dispenser that goes with me from room to room would be a godsend.

 

I’m also a big lip balm user, but I’m not sure having one of those sticks implanted would be practical. How would my mouth reach it? On the other hand, a simple pump to dispense hand lotion would be useful and could work out okay.

 

Another item I’m often searching for around the house, especially when the slacks I have on are without pockets, is tissues. Imagine having your own tissue dispenser there in your chest! They’d be right where you need them when you feel a sneeze coming on. A similar implant could hold cotton balls. I don’t use nail polish anymore, but I’m sure any woman who does would be happy to have those little puffs pop right out of her chest when she was freshening up her manicure.

 

One of the symptoms that led to my lung cancer diagnosis was a debilitating cough. I kept lozenges on my bedside table so that I didn’t have to get up in the middle of the night to search for some. My cough cleared up once I started treatment, but before that, a chest dispenser would have come in handy. If you like this idea and the tissue one, best to get your pop-up port before flu season is upon us.

 

Most of these ideas involve personal care products. There’s a whole other category to consider—food items. One of my friends never goes out to eat without putting a pepper mill in her purse. Ditto for a dispenser for sea salt, which is supposedly far superior to refined table salt. If she had those on her—literally (in a pair of ports)—her purse would be lighter and she’d never be without her personal S&P.

 

There’s a grocery aisle full of condiments to consider, too. But if you imagine ketchup spurting out of a chest port… Well, that’s just plain gruesome. Even soy sauce paints a less than appetizing picture. Mustard and horseradish would probably be more visually acceptable. They’re healthier than ketchup, which is also something in their favor.

 

As you can see, a person wouldn’t need to be under treatment for cancer to find a chest port useful. These ideas should offer good investment opportunities for those celebrities on Shark Tank. Mark Cuban and Lori Grenier—if you’re reading this, feel free to contact me to “do the deal.”

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited