Recently I came across the obituary
of a former colleague. We’d worked together decades ago at a large corporation.
Our respective positions occasionally found us traveling together to various
U.S. locations. On more than one of these trips, the colleague, a married man,
tried to hit on me. He was known to be a prolific skirt chaser, so I wasn’t
surprised. What did surprise me, however, was what I read in his obituary. “He
is survived by his wife of 53 years, Anna, who was the love of his life.”
“Really?” I thought. He was also
described as a devoted father and grandfather. That didn’t exactly track with
what I remembered him telling me over drinks at more than one hotel bar. He
often mentioned that he was missing yet another birthday party. He joked that his
travel schedule gave him an excuse to avoid attending his kids’ sports events.
Talk about a revisionist obituary.
I’m sure his family wasn’t the
first to sanitize the facts of their deceased loved one’s life. I doubt that my
relatives would do the same for me. It’s not that they don’t love me or that
they wouldn’t want to put in the effort. It just would never occur to them that
I might want a few of my questionable choices over the years to be revisioned.
I’ve decided that the best way to handle this is to provide some choice
paragraphs for them to keep on hand for my own obituary. So, here goes.
Throughout her life, even as she
clawed her way up the corporate ladder in a male-dominated profession, Elaine
remained easy-going and non-confrontational. She was known for her quick wit
and sense of humor, which never sank into the gutter. Despite her lengthy work
hours and long commute, she somehow managed to keep a tidy home.
Although it took decades for her to
manage it, she eventually followed in her mother’s footsteps and became an
outstanding baker. What can we say about her cooking? Well, she had a handful
of go-to meals that were several notches above just being edible. At the time
of her passing, well into her 100’s, she was working on a variation of her
signature recipe for Italian meatballs.
Elaine had an on and off
relationship with exercise, but was surprisingly trim and fit, given her build.
She credited this to good genes, growing up with lots of outdoor activities,
and a short but intense few years as a fencer during high school. Though she
rarely shared this factoid, she could still do a seven-minute mile when she was
in her eighties. Ever considerate of her slower senior neighbors, however, she
chose not to run when anyone was with her.
Her skill level in the distaff arts
was unsurpassed. Sewing, knitting, crocheting. You name it, she did it well.
She won first prize in Colgate Palmolive’s Holiday Doll Pageant thirteen years
in a row for outfits she designed and made for dolls going to disadvantaged
children. In her later years, she became an expert in the use of the glue gun
to create unique crafts that she gifted to appreciative friends or donated to
local charity bazaars.
Her community service was so impressive
that she was named “Woman of the Year” a dozen times by various organizations
throughout the Northeast. Unfortunately, any evidence and details of these
awards did not survive her last few household moves. We assume that many
involved animal rescue groups. A magnet on her refrigerator read “Patron Saint
of Senior Cats.”
Elaine had several long-term
relationships in her life. Many men thought of her as the love of their life,
even though she probably didn’t know it. Women called her a true and faithful
friend. All insisted they never exchanged a mean word or had a single heated
argument in all the years they spent together.
Though she never had any children
of her own, Elaine was beloved by her nieces and nephew and grandnieces and
grandnephew. “Aunt E” could always be counted on to make everyone laugh. Their
memories of good times with her, along with the hundreds of books and essays
she published, will guarantee that she will not be forgotten any time soon.
Feel free to use my revisionist
obituary as a template for your own. You’ll be gone when it gets distributed, so
go for greatness. Lord knows, I just did.
Copyright 2019 Business Theatre
Unlimited
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