Redacted Revisionist Obituary

My last blog, revisionist obituaries, was inspired by something I read about a former colleague. It described his wife as the love of his life and him as a devoted father and grandfather. Definitely not the man I remember, and I wrote: “Talk about a revisionist obituary.” I then proceeded to write my own, well in advance, I hope. The post received many comments, quite a few of which seemed to think my essay was an accurate description of me. In the spirit of full disclosure, here is the redacted version of my revisionist obituary.

Throughout her life, as she clawed her way up the corporate ladder in a male-dominated profession, Elaine was anything but easy-going and non-confrontational. She was often described as having brass ones. She was known for her quick wit and sense of humor, which frequently sank into the gutter. Her lengthy work hours and long commute gave her an excuse for not keeping a tidy home, though she did clean twice a year or whenever she was expecting company.

She didn’t even try to follow in her mother’s footsteps as an outstanding baker. As for her cooking—she had a handful of meals that were generally edible. But she did a great job with her mother’s recipe for Italian meatballs and pasta sauce.

Elaine had an on and off relationship with exercise and had a similar relationship with being trim and fit. She would probably have needed to wear Omar-the-tentmaker muumuus were it not for her good genes, growing up with lots of outdoor activities, and a short but intense few years as a fencer during high school. The ship of her seven-minute mile sailed when she was in her forties, and she huffed and puffed her way through a twenty-minute mile from her sixties onward.

Her skill level in the distaff arts was indeed unsurpassed. Sewing, knitting, crocheting. You name it, she did it well. It is true that she won first prize in Colgate Palmolive’s Holiday Doll Pageant thirteen years in a row for outfits she designed and made for dolls going to disadvantaged children. In her later years, however, she failed miserably in learning to use a glue gun. Her crafts were full of those telltale spider-web strings, a sure giveaway that she didn’t let go of the trigger quickly enough.

Her community service was hit or miss, since she never had much patience for politics, but she was a dedicated supporter of animal rescue groups. A refrigerator magnet reading “Patron Saint of Senior Cats” would be a nice token of remembrance, if anyone wants to get one made.

Elaine had several long-term relationships in her life. In her later years, she learned that a few (not the ‘many’ of her revisionist obituary) men secretly thought of her as the love of their life. Women called her a true and faithful friend. All would tell you (with a straight face) that they never exchanged a mean word or had a single heated argument in all their years together. Then they’d laugh until tears rolled down their cheeks.

Though she never had any children of her own, Elaine was beloved by her nieces and nephew and grandnieces and grandnephew. “Aunt E” could always be counted on to make everyone laugh. Their memories of good times with her, along with the hundreds of books and essays she published, will guarantee that she will not be forgotten any time soon.

Actually, I think this last paragraph was fine as written. At least I hope so.

Copyright 2019 Business Theatre Unlimited

Revisionist Obituaries

Recently I came across the obituary of a former colleague. We’d worked together decades ago at a large corporation. Our respective positions occasionally found us traveling together to various U.S. locations. On more than one of these trips, the colleague, a married man, tried to hit on me. He was known to be a prolific skirt chaser, so I wasn’t surprised. What did surprise me, however, was what I read in his obituary. “He is survived by his wife of 53 years, Anna, who was the love of his life.”

“Really?” I thought. He was also described as a devoted father and grandfather. That didn’t exactly track with what I remembered him telling me over drinks at more than one hotel bar. He often mentioned that he was missing yet another birthday party. He joked that his travel schedule gave him an excuse to avoid attending his kids’ sports events. Talk about a revisionist obituary.

I’m sure his family wasn’t the first to sanitize the facts of their deceased loved one’s life. I doubt that my relatives would do the same for me. It’s not that they don’t love me or that they wouldn’t want to put in the effort. It just would never occur to them that I might want a few of my questionable choices over the years to be revisioned. I’ve decided that the best way to handle this is to provide some choice paragraphs for them to keep on hand for my own obituary. So, here goes.

Throughout her life, even as she clawed her way up the corporate ladder in a male-dominated profession, Elaine remained easy-going and non-confrontational. She was known for her quick wit and sense of humor, which never sank into the gutter. Despite her lengthy work hours and long commute, she somehow managed to keep a tidy home.

Although it took decades for her to manage it, she eventually followed in her mother’s footsteps and became an outstanding baker. What can we say about her cooking? Well, she had a handful of go-to meals that were several notches above just being edible. At the time of her passing, well into her 100’s, she was working on a variation of her signature recipe for Italian meatballs.

Elaine had an on and off relationship with exercise, but was surprisingly trim and fit, given her build. She credited this to good genes, growing up with lots of outdoor activities, and a short but intense few years as a fencer during high school. Though she rarely shared this factoid, she could still do a seven-minute mile when she was in her eighties. Ever considerate of her slower senior neighbors, however, she chose not to run when anyone was with her.

Her skill level in the distaff arts was unsurpassed. Sewing, knitting, crocheting. You name it, she did it well. She won first prize in Colgate Palmolive’s Holiday Doll Pageant thirteen years in a row for outfits she designed and made for dolls going to disadvantaged children. In her later years, she became an expert in the use of the glue gun to create unique crafts that she gifted to appreciative friends or donated to local charity bazaars.

Her community service was so impressive that she was named “Woman of the Year” a dozen times by various organizations throughout the Northeast. Unfortunately, any evidence and details of these awards did not survive her last few household moves. We assume that many involved animal rescue groups. A magnet on her refrigerator read “Patron Saint of Senior Cats.”

Elaine had several long-term relationships in her life. Many men thought of her as the love of their life, even though she probably didn’t know it. Women called her a true and faithful friend. All insisted they never exchanged a mean word or had a single heated argument in all the years they spent together.

Though she never had any children of her own, Elaine was beloved by her nieces and nephew and grandnieces and grandnephew. “Aunt E” could always be counted on to make everyone laugh. Their memories of good times with her, along with the hundreds of books and essays she published, will guarantee that she will not be forgotten any time soon.

Feel free to use my revisionist obituary as a template for your own. You’ll be gone when it gets distributed, so go for greatness. Lord knows, I just did.

Copyright 2019 Business Theatre Unlimited