BlogHer

Saturday, June 4, 2022

Sexual Misappropriation

The NY Times published an article recently about a new trend: men wearing women’s sexy lingerie. We’re not talking Tim Robbins wearing Susan Sarandon’s garter belts playing baseball in the movie Bull Durham. We’re talking full on Frederick’s of Hollywood teddies with provocative cutouts and mesh inserts. And we’re not talking just queer identity, non-binary and transvestites, although those segments are driving the bus. One company makes boxers of sheer lace that are so popular that they now have a wait list for their orders.

 

Suddenly, it seems like men are willing to do anything to get into women’s pants. And sadly not just metaphorically. “Men’s lingerie is one small part of a bigger movement,” said Francesca Muston, V.P. of a trend forecasting company. “You’ve got a whole generation… embracing the inclusivity and diversity within gender.” Well, I guess that’s one way to describe it. 

 

The trend might have begun with Spanx, but men have legitimate functional reasons to wear those. Here are some companies that are hopping on this. Leak NYC is a men’s lingerie brand that makes sexy bodysuits from fishnet and other see-through materials. They purport to have the marketing savvy to allow ample room up front. This of course has me wondering if “ample” comes in sizes, the way women’s bra cups do. Then there’s Cosabella, an Italian lingerie brand. They began selling lacy men’s briefs, semi-sheer thongs and colorful G-strings on their website last year.

Some men with more traditional tastes are also becoming enamored with the new lingerie. Steven Green, a photographer and plus-size model from Kansas City, had a gig walking the runway in the 2020 Savage x Fenty show. He claims that he never thought of lingerie for men until he worked with them. Before, he only wore briefs by Calvin Klein or Polo Ralph Lauren, but he has since expanded his undergarment wardrobe. I wonder if “expanded” means he selects styles that have “ample room up front.” I appreciate that tighty-whities can be boring but that’s no excuse for full on misappropriation.

OK. Enough about the sexual misappropriation of women’s lingerie. There are other far more serious areas where men are misappropriating issues that should be exclusively the domain of women. I’m talking about a woman’s right to control her own body.

Women are now at risk of having mostly male justices decide whether Roe v. Wade remains the law of the land. I’m not taking a position here on what decision a woman should make about continuing her own pregnancy. That’s personal and it should be private. I’m simply saying that what that decision is should be hers to make, not that of a group of men who know nothing about her. That includes the predominantly male legislators who make the laws of our states that regulate what a woman can or can’t do with her own body.

The men who believe they have a right to make those decisions for us are as guilty of sexual misappropriation as the ones who are now wearing lacey teddies and see-through thongs. If men could get pregnant, they would likely have a different opinion about a lot of these issues. If they want to appropriate parts of the birthing process, how about they start with developing birth control pills for men. (We’re still waiting for that.) Here’s a novel idea: sperm wranglers. (Like cats, but even more squirrely.) It’s one way to have men help prevent unwanted pregnancies.

Women have to live with the consequences of all these decisions, so they have the right to be the sole deciders. Until men are forced to live with similar consequences, they haven’t earned the right to be a party to those decisions, no matter how sexy they feel wearing our lingerie.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited


Wednesday, May 4, 2022

Cut Yourself Some Slack

 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to appreciate afternoon naps. These often include one or two cats snoozing on top of me, making me reluctant to get up. I keep my phone nearby so I can take calls without disturbing the cats. On one of these calls recently, I felt guilty admitting that I was stretched out on the couch instead of doing something productive. My friend assured me there was no reason to feel that way. I said, “You know, you’re right. And that gives me an idea for a blog post.”

 

In case you’re not aware, I have stage 4 lung cancer and have been in a clinical study for over a year. I take two pills daily and get infusion treatments every three weeks. For the most part, I’m doing just fine, but I get tired and short of breath quite easily. Those afternoon naps are a welcome part of my day. I’ve decided to cut myself some slack and give myself permission to enjoy them.

 

My couch time has cut into several hobbies and projects that I could have been working on. I used to feel guilty that I wasn’t practicing my saxophone for the community band that I’m in. Despite my lung cancer, I can still play. Because of COVID fears, I haven’t been attending practices anyway, so procrastination comes easily for that to-do.

 

I have several writing projects that have been on the back burner for years. Mostly I do my writing on my desktop computer, which is upstairs in my loft area. I can easily talk myself out of climbing those steps. I’ve stopped beating myself over the head on that one, too. If I weren’t so lazy about taking walks, my energy level would no doubt improve and my weight would likely go down. Avoiding a walk used to be a major guilt trip. Not anymore, although the nicer weather is motivating me to go out more.

 

Then there’s the storage bins of yarn for making baby booties for new grandparents among my neighbors and acquaintances. I prefer to have a few pairs ready for when I learn about a new arrival. I crochet them in funky colors, but they’re still oriented to boy or girl babies, which means having several pairs on hand. My stockpile is almost out, especially for boys. Fortunately, there are no deliveries pending as far as I know. Other delayed distaff projects include piles of mending, both mine and my husband’s.

 

It dawned on me that over time our interests and our priorities can change. So I don’t feel guilty about ignoring any of these anymore. Instead, I'm often stretched out on the family room couch with two cats on top of me and Hallmark channel on TV (often a mystery, but sometimes a RomCom). And probably something I've already seen. Which is a good thing, because I often wind up napping through the ending.

 

Simply put, I’ve decided to cut myself some slack. I realize that at my age and with my health issues, I’m entitled to whatever down time I decide I need. Or want. It can be therapeutic, but it doesn’t have to be. I encourage all of you to try this.

 

You may be thinking: “Oh, I’m not that old.” Or: “I’m not sick.” You don’t need to be old or sick to benefit from doing what will make you happy rather than what you feel obligated to do. I was emailing with a friend recently while stretched out on our new couch. She’s much younger than I am. She and her sister had been at a movie where no one else was masked and a lot of folks were coughing. The two of them decided the environment was too risky, so they just walked out and went shopping instead.

 

I see this as another example of cutting yourself some slack, doing what you want to in the moment, rather than being concerned with what you "should" be doing, whatever the reason. Not worrying about what others might think about you, living in a “no judgment” zone is liberating. It doesn’t take much practice, but a comfortable couch is helpful to the process. And you don’t even need cats lying on top of you to enjoy it.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

Monday, April 4, 2022

GOATs and PIGs and Other Acronyms

 

By now you would have heard that Tom Brady had decided to retire, his status as the GOAT football professional firmly in place. For those who don’t know (likely very few of those who follow sports), GOAT stands for Greatest Of All Time. Since I started writing this, Brady has come out of retirement, likely poised to become even greater. Simone Biles is also a GOAT, for women’s gymnastics. She has a goat tattoo on her shoulder. There are other animal acronyms that undoubtedly are not familiar, so I’m going to define them here.

 

My personal favorite is PIG. It stands for Popular Inspirational Guru. That title is held by my husband, Jagdish Sachdev, owner of SPECTRUM-INDIA on Thayer Street in Providence. He’s so well recognized as the Guru of Thayer Street that a selfie with him often shows up as an item on scavenger hunts.

 

Another porcine acronym is SOW. That stands for Senior Opportunistic Widow, of which there are quite a few in almost every community. SOWs go on the hunt for recent widowers, especially ones who are financially well-heeled. Advice to any men who have recently lost your spouse: BOLO for SOWs in your circle of acquaintances. They are relentless.

 

Widowers might be attracted to a LAMB, however, if she’s not also a SOW. A LAMB is the Last And Most Beautiful in her circle of widowed friends who has not yet found a new mate. If she does latch onto a widower, she might become an alternative LAMB, that is: Luckiest And Most Beautiful. As long as she’s not a SOW, either LAMB can make a fine partner for a lonely widower.

 

Next we have DUCK, a Dude Using Charming Karma. DUCKs exist in all age groups. Just as a SOW will go after a recent widower, a DUCK might go after a recent widow, if she’s been left enough assets by her late husband. BOLO to recent widows, DUCKs can be relentless, too. As far as I know, there’s no male equivalent to the LAMB.

 

Someone else to watch out for is the SKUNK—a Senior Kahuna Using Noisy Kisses. The SKUNK latches onto you at a neighborhood gathering and plants a noisy, wet kiss on your cheek before you realize what’s happening. In the SKUNK’s mind, if the kiss is noisy enough, he hasn’t stolen it, so you shouldn’t complain. If you expect any SKUNKs at a garden party, keep a packet of tissues handy. Noisy ones are usually wet ones. Also, some SKUNKs use a seemingly innocent ‘hello’ hug to cop a feel. Have a stiff-arm ready when you see a SKUNK coming.

 

Desirable members of your community earn the acronym CHICKEN. The Charitable Helper In Community Kitchens (for) Elderly Neighbors is someone you’ll want in your contact list. They’ll help out in food pantries, soup kitchens, any place that provides food for older folks of limited means. And please, no jokes about chicken pot pies.

 

Another welcome older community member is a SHEEP. Those of you who care about our environment will be thrilled to have Senior Humanitarians Ending Environmental Pollution in your group. They’re often on the front lines of recycling efforts. They’re also likely to volunteer to help with park cleanup in the spring.

 

A truly noble acronym is FISH, First In Social Harmony. FISH are always welcome in social circles. They are the peacemakers in the community. Unlike real fish and the proverbial unwanted guests, they do not start to stink after three days either.

 

A SNAKE, on the other hand, is to be avoided at all cost. SNAKEs rarely last long in a community, or at least not long as a member in good standing. Be especially wary of SNAKEs if you have a neighborhood pool. Why? A SNAKE is a Sexy Newcomer And Kinky Exhibitionist. That says it all.

 

Finally, I propose one additional acronym, of which I hope to take ownership. That’s GOOSE. It stands for Greatest Of Our Senior Essayists. If anyone would like to challenge me for that title, go for it! I know at least one PIG who will vote for me.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

Wednesday, March 30, 2022

How Well Do You Know Your Blogger Answers

Not that any of you have been asking about this, but here are the answers to my March 7 blog: How Well Do You Know Your Blogger?

 

1.     Elaine never considered being an architect (that was Jagdish’s early career), an astronomer, a community organizer or a politician. All the others were career paths she followed or considered at least briefly when she was young. And yes, even a nun.

2.     The only things on this list that Elaine did NOT wear to work were the fishnet stockings, the Joan and David pumps and the over-the knee boots. She couldn’t afford Joan and David and her thick calves made tall boots impossible. The rest of her attire could politely be called eclectic. She still has the gargoyle pendant with the nose ring and the Majorican pearls.

3.     Elaine did play strip poker (once), smoke a pipe (in college) and sun bathe topless (at a Club Med). But she never did anything else on this list. Really.

4.     Clumsy Elaine broke her arm twice (falling from a swing and ice skating), her foot twice (grocery shopping and hanging out laundry—on Mother’s Day no less) and her nose water skiing.

5.     All are Elaine’s claims to fame except that she didn’t win most original for that cat costume. Band members might also take issue with what she called whistling.

6.     Almost all are the actual names of Elaine’s first six cats. Hilltop Cinderella was the family Beagle (aka Cindy). Bonus points if you know the names of the three cats she has now. (Email or message her for answers.)

7.     Elaine currently plays alto saxophone in a community band. She played Flutophone in fourth grade, oboe in high school and piano beginning quite young. Her sister, Barbara, taught Elaine and Richard until a neighbor who was a music major took over. Richard tried his hand at accordion and also played the harmonica.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

 

Monday, March 7, 2022

How Well Do You Know Your Blogger?

This month’s post is different from the usual ones.

Presenting a series of questions to see how well you know your blogger, Elaine Decker. Take this self-scoring quiz and compare your results to answers to be provided next week. There may be more than one answer for each question.

 

1.   Which of the following careers/professions did Elaine never consider?

Archeologist
Architect
Astronomer
Community Organizer
Computer Programmer
Development Professional
Catholic Nun
Writer
Product Manager
Politician

2.   Which of the following did Elaine ever wear to work at Colgate Palmolive in NYC?
Bright yellow pleated-skirt dress with tiny black polka dots
Button-front mini skirt over hot pants romper
Chalk stripe 3-piece suit
Fishnet stockings
Gargoyle pendant with nose ring
Joan and David Pumps
Majorican pearls
Over-the-knee Boots
White blouse with pussycat bow
Wide-brimmed Hats

3.   Never Have I Ever…
Done karaoke
Gone skinny skipping
Gotten a tattoo
Hitchhiked
Played beer pong
Played strip poker
Smoked a pipe
Smoked marijuana
Sun bathed topless
Worn Crocs

4.   Bones Elaine has broken and how
Ankle snow skiing
Arm falling from a swing
Arm ice skating
Elbow rock climbing
Finger in a car door
Foot grocery shopping
Foot hanging out laundry
Nose water skiing
Nose on window pane
Toe tap dancing in a high school show

5.   Elaine’s Claims To Fame: Unusual skills and accomplishments
Had 2 essays published in the Sunday New York Times
Hand made outfits that won first prize 13 times for Colgate’s Charity Doll Pageant
Received Brown University’s Nan Tracy Award for alumni service to class
Marched with a band in parades, including Miss America Pageant in Atlantic City
Once caught a fish with a worm tied to a fishing line (no lure or sinker)
Sold a domain name for $10,000
Studied Interior Decorating at the New York School of Interior Design
Was checked out to sail solo at Club Meds in two locations
Whistled Auld Lang Syne with a community band
Won Most Original at a Halloween party dressed as a cat with a huge hair ball

6.   Which of the following are NOT names of cats Elaine has ever owned?
Daisy Hyacinth
Hilltop Cinderella
Kallie Jasmine
King Clayton the Explorer
Lily Magnolia
Luke the Magnificent
Pansy Gardenia
Stella Periwinkle
Thomas of the Train Tracks
Tulip Wisteria

7.   Which of the following musical instruments has Elaine NOT played?
Accordion
Alto Saxophone
Bongos
Clarinet
Flutophone
Glockenspiel
Harmonica
Oboe
Piano
Tenor Saxophone

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

Sunday, February 6, 2022

NFTs That I’m Selling

 Melania Trump recently made a media splash by offering an NFT of her “cobalt blue eyes” for about $180. An NFT, or “non-fungible token,” is a way to sell digital “art”. It can’t be illegally replicated or altered once it’s been created. The “artist” mints their work on one of several NFT marketplaces by creating a detailed smart contract that is then stored on a cryptocurrency blockchain. I can see your eyes are glazing over, so I’ll move on. I’m not offering any NFTs of my eyes, but I think you’ll find some interesting and affordable options here.

Digital versions of my mouth.          $100 together

The real one may be the smallest adult mouth extant. I’m also providing a version resized in Photoshop. I won’t use the fixed aspect ratio, so it won’t be thicker, just wider. You can keep both versions. That way you’ll recognize me in photos that haven’t been retouched.

 

My right earlobe, which has been pierced crooked.         $100

This is thanks to my attempt to do it myself with a sewing needle as a teenager. I panicked part way through the piercing. My neighbor, an RN, took over and finished it with a hypodermic needle. I had started it crooked and she finished on the same angle. Folks are forever telling me I’m about to lose an earing from that ear. I explain: No. It’s just pierced crooked. Your NFT of it can be a real conversation starter!

 

My neck wattle, which is now so prominent that it rivals Mitch McConnell’s.     $125

You get a bonus with this NFT. I often camouflage my wattle with stylish neck scarves. Your digital version comes shown with the scarf of your choice. Several options are provided. Buy two and get the third one free!

 

My Chest Port, which is probably my most unusual NFT.               $250

It’s not the most attractive NFT that I’m offering here, but I’ll bet I’m the only one who has a port for sale. It’s also my most recent bodily intrusion. That’s worth extra.

 

The scar from my TRAM surgery for my mastectomy.     $200

It looks a lot like a Cesarean scar, and it’s the biggest scar I have, with an interesting history. The short version is that my right breast was rebuilt with a then state-of-the-art procedure using my abdomen. It was a hell of a way to get a tummy tuck.

 

My naval as reconstructed during my TRAM surgery.     $175

It’s slightly off-center, which adds a certain cachet. It’s an innie, as was my original naval. That’s now located at the top of my reconstructed right breast. TMI so that’s not being offered as an NFT.

 

The U-shaped scar on the outside of my right foot.          $150

What a story there! I must have been around 7 or 8 years old. I tried to pirouette around one of the metal poles holding up the awning over our neighbor’s front patio extension. I knocked over and broke the milk bottle next to the pole. I have no idea why I didn’t see it before my acrobatics. Of course it broke and cut my foot. Not badly enough to do anything more than put pressure on it to stop the bleeding, but it left a scar that I see it as a badge of honor of sorts.

 

Collection of smaller scars from my lung cancer medical procedures.    $150 together

There’s the tiny one near my Adam’s apple from my mediastinoscopy. The biopsy from my earlier bronchoscopy at Hartford Health Care was inconclusive and had found no cancer. Second opinions from Yale and Dana Farber recommended a more thorough scoping. That was done at Yale and found cancer in three lymph nodes. Also included is the small scar on my back below my ribs from a Video Assisted Thoracic Surgery. That found cancer in some nodules on my pleural lining, making my cancer stage 4. Hence I consider this scar significant even though it’s small. These scars are being sold as a lot.

 

My liver spots that form popular constellations.   $100 each

The Pleiades, aka seven sisters, are found on my left hand; Aquila (the eagle) decorates my right hand; the large singleton liver spot on top of my left thigh is the distinctive Evening Star, aka Venus; Cygnus (the Northern Cross) lives on my right thigh and the points of the cross are connected by spider veins. This NFT also comes with the offer to buy one constellation and get the second half off. What a deal!

 

There you have it. Nine exciting NFT options of digital body images of your favorite blogger. Because these are digital, I can offer multiple copies. NFT technology assures they’re authentic and non-reproducible, other than by me. All inquiries welcome.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

Sunday, January 2, 2022

Banned Words and Phrases for 2022

 

As with previous years, many entries on my 2022 list of banned words and phrases come from our president. Trump gave us some whoppers; Biden is responsible for some real doozies. Trump’s were often offensive; Biden’s were frequently overused. We found ourselves thinking: “He always says that.” Here’s this year's list.

 

Let’s start by banning the use of two proper names, except for the people who were given these names when they were born. The first is “Karen”. For those who don’t know (where have you been?), calling someone Karen, or “a Karen” is the latest way to insult a woman (usually white) who is self-centered and demanding. Instead hit them with the deets of what it is you don’t like. Don’t tip toe around by calling them Karen.

 

The second name is even more annoying: “Brandon”. The phrase “Let’s Go Brandon” has become a rallying cry for people who hate Biden. For those who don’t know (again, where have you been?), somehow the president’s name has morphed into “Brandon” as a way to troll him without directly insulting him. You hear this in the background at Trump’s rallies and on certain right wing TV programs. It’s just plain silly so cut it out.

 

As always, I have some political terms to put into 2022’s dumpster, starting with “whataboutism”. This not-so-clever way of deflecting attention away from one’s own failings must end. A counteraccusation or new issue in the discussion doesn’t absolve you of whatever misdeed you committed. Here’s an idea. Try “I’m sorry” instead.

 

I’m also so over hearing the expression “sausage-making”. I blame the Democrats for this one. Their budget process was so convoluted that legislators were reduced to defending it by apologizing for making us hear about the sausage-making. This did not help. I’m hopeful that the phrase and the process are behind us for 2022.

 

Here’s a word to get rid of and replace with something that better explains what it was originally meant to convey: “defund”. In most cities, the intention was not to drain 100% of the budget of the local police department so that there were no police. It was to shift funds from certain activities that were causing problems and invest in ones that could help with problem solving. In most cases, that meant more funding for mental health. Stop talking “defunding” and start talking solutions. How about: “Shift some funds” from street police to social workers trained to address mental health issues.

 

We can give conservatives credit for the next two items on this list. “Snowflake” is a descriptor that has fallen into ill repute on both sides of the aisle, but those on the right seem particularly fond of it. It’s been around for over a decade, but it really came into its own in 2021 to describe someone with an inflated sense of their own uniqueness or an undeserved sense of entitlement. The original Karen is probably a snowflake.

 

The far right gets credit for my ban of “false flag”. The riots of January 6 illustrate why we need to trash this term. Spend some time looking at videos of that event. You’d need to credit someone with incredible skill in Photoshop to believe that the perpetrators responsible are correct in blaming others not seen in the videos. The rioters’ claims are a “false flag”: a deliberate misrepresentation of their own affiliations or motives.

 

Now let’s share some Bidenisms that we need to ban. The first is a group of several that all mean about the same thing and get repeated until they send you to the TV mute button. We have four negatives: “not a joke/not kidding/all kidding aside/no really”. For variety, try the positive: “seriously.” Or “honestly.” Or… you get the idea.

 

Another Biden favorite that gets overused is: “Here's the deal”. Ordinarily there would be nothing wrong with this phrase. But in Biden’s hands (or mouth), it’s losing its luster. If he can just give it a rest in 2022, perhaps I’ll let him have it back after the midterms.

 

The final Bidenism on my list is: “That's not hyperbole”. Indeed, it’s likely that whatever he just referred to was not hyperbole. As a figure of speech, a hyperbolic statement is usually not meant to be taken literally. I’m not always sure about what Biden has just said. Did he mean: take what I’ve said literally? Or was it a mild exaggeration? I want to know. No really.

 

And so this year’s list of banned words and phrases comes to a close. I’ve given you some real gems to jettison going forward.

 

Copyright 2022 Business Theatre Unlimited

Wednesday, December 29, 2021

12 Days of Christmas—Day 12

 

For the final day of Christmas countdown, with a head nod to Winnie the Pooh. 
 
On the twelvth day of Christmas, my ornaments gave to me
 
12 Heffalumps Galumping, 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
11 Micies Micing,
 
10 Giraffes Necks-Stretching,
 
9 Kitties Dancing, 
 
8 Lions Lounging,
 
7 Zebras Swirling,
 
6 Reindeer A-Playing,
 
5 Roll…y Pigs…
 
4 Curly Sheep,
 
3 Fluffy Rabbits,
 
2 Funky Ostriches,
 
And a Flamingo with a Saxophone.
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

Tuesday, December 21, 2021

12 Days of Christmas—Day 9

 

On the ninth day of Christmas, my ornaments gave to me

(Take a deep breath here…)

9 Kitties Dancing,


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 Lions Lounging, 7 Zebras Swirling, 6 Reindeer A-Playing,

 




5 Roll…y Pigs…


4 Curly Sheep, 3 Fluffy Rabbits, 2 Funky Ostriches,


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And a Flamingo with a Saxophone.



 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited

Saturday, December 18, 2021

12 Days Christmas Ornaments--Day Six

On the sixth day of Christmas, my ornaments gave to me

6 Reindeer A-Playing,

 


(Sing along now…)

5 Roll…y Pigs…

(Hold that note!)

4 Curly Sheep,
3 Fluffy Rabbits,
2 Funky Ostriches,
And a Flamingo with a Saxophone.

 



Monday, December 13, 2021

12 Days of Christmas — Day 1

 

On the first day of Christmas, my ornaments gave to me

A Flamingo with a Saxophone.

 

 

 

Stay tuned for remaining days!
 

Saturday, December 4, 2021

Annual Horoscopes for Seniors

As we round the bend to another year, it’s time to take a peek at the astrological forecasts for seniors for 2022. December is sometimes referred to as National Horoscope Month. It’s really just one more opportunity for media outlets to promote their forecasts. I’m no Linda Goodman, but I’m jumping into the fray by focusing on seniors. Here’s what you can expect for your sun sign next year.

 

APRIL is the month of the fiery sun sign Aries.

This marks the spring equinox and the beginning of a new astrological year. Just in time to file your income tax return, you’ll get a surprise financial windfall, but from where?

·      Publishers Clearing House (the envelope you threw into the recycling pile)

·      The Irish Sweepstakes (that you didn’t enter)

·      A Nigerian prince. Yes, THAT Nigerian prince. (He’s not giving up.)

 

MAY is the month of that bull-headed Taurus.

Sad to say, your unexpected financial windfall in April will be followed in May by a major expense you didn’t plan on. Your car will be in the shop for:

·      Passenger airbag defects

·      A fuel pump leak

·      Rear brakes slippage

 

JUNE is the month for Gemini, that moody, two-faced character.

World music day is celebrated in June in over 1,000 cities worldwide and hundreds in the U.S. alone. Here are just three cities to visit; one is bound to fit your mood. Or not.

·      Latin in Miami

·      Country Western in Nashville

·      Jazz in New Orleans

 

JULY is for Cancer (the crab, not the disease).

The USPS is going to deliver:

·      An overdue bill that was lost in the mail

·      A package that belongs to your neighbor (again)

·      Three solicitations from national charities. Be grateful it’s not more.

 

AUGUST is Leo’s month, that lovable but unpredictable feline!

Be very suspicious when you receive an unexpected message from:

·      The IRS. (But is it really from the IRS?)

·      A grade school friend that you haven’t heard from in 30 years.

·      A distant relative you didn’t know you had. (But is he really your relative?)

 

SEPTEMBER marks Virgo’s domain, the detail-oriented virgin (whose ship has sailed).

If the pandemic put that trip to Portugal on hold, here’s what’s in store now:

·      Your sister’s replaced knees and the power port in your chest will get both of you singled out for extra screening at the airport.

·      Your luggage will get lost on the way over there. Pack your carry-on carefully.

·      The airline you booked will go on strike after you land, stranding you in Europe.

 

OCTOBER is when Libra normally presents a pleasant balance in your life.

Unfortunately, not this year. The holiday season is on its way and that damnable Mercury is in retrograde again. Naturally all your appliances decide to break down.

·      Your water heater (mid shower)

·      Your washing machine (mid load)

·      Your freezer (right after you filled it with holiday food)

 

NOVEMBER is when you’ll feel the sting of that rascal, Scorpio.

If October wasn’t bad enough, a trusted member of your service entourage is going to retire this month. Will it be:

·      Your hairdresser of 25 years?

·      Your cleaning lady of 15 years?

·      Your cardiologist of 20 years?

 

DECEMBER is when Sagittarius takes aim. This year it’s on your modern electronics.

·      You step on your talking scale and it just laughs at you.

·      You ask Alexa to set a timer for your baking and she yells at you: “For the last time, I’m Siri, not Alexa!”

·      Your Smartwatch is serving up only brain teasers and step count reminders.

 

JANUARY belongs to ambitious Capricorn.

Your tendency to break rules will catch up with you this year.

·      Your HOA fines you $500 for keeping your holiday décor up too long.

·      The CIA and the NSA have included you in their investigation of your international Facebook friends.

·      You’re drummed out of your Mahjong group for palming tiles.

 

FEBRUARY celebrates Aquarius in this new Age of Aquarius.

Sadly the sun will not shine in for you this year. Your annual physical will reveal:

·      You’ve gained another five pounds.

·      You should take advantage of that Silver Sneakers offer that your health insurance plan keeps pushing.

·      You need to increase the magnification on your cheater reading glasses. Again.

 

MARCH and Pisces mark world language month and the end of the Astrological year.

It’s an auspicious time to learn a language. Here are 3 challenging ones to for you.

·      Mandarin Chinese—One of the hardest but also most widely spoken worldwide

·      Arabic—Could be useful if you’re ever kidnapped traveling in the Middle East

·      Navajo—So you can supplement Social Security with work as a code-breaker

 

There you have it. Twelve months of 2022’s astrological predictions just for seniors. And you thought 2021 was a bad year.

 

Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited