Acronym Overload

My grandniece, Isabella, has an impressive vocabulary for a twelve-year-old. She and her mother, Pam, went to see the new super computer that her father, a Burlington, VT police detective, will be using in his investigations. Pam posted on Facebook that as they entered the police department, Isabella noticed a bin labeled OIC (which means Officer In Charge). She asked: “Daddy, why is there an inbox for Opioid Induced Constipation? Do police officers have a lot of trouble with that?”

After I picked myself up off the floor, it dawned on me that there’s been an explosion in the use of acronyms lately, especially in the field of medicine. They’ve been proliferating at such a rate that a lot of them have multiple meanings. As long as we’re going to have more than one usage, we might as well have one of those relate specifically to seniors.

Take for example the popular term NSAID. You probably know that as NonSteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug (like aspirin, ibuprofen and naproxen). For me, NSAID means No Sense Asking—I’m Dieting. I need to practice that reply when I’m offered second helpings. And desserts. And, sadly, a glass of wine.

Those who have heart issues will be familiar with ECASA (Enteric Coated Aspirin), one of the medications my husband carries in his travel kit. An equally useful translation at our age is Every Calorie Adds Some Adipose. That’s the fat around our bellies.

ICS (Inhaled Cortico Steroids) are a lifeline for anyone with asthma. In our house we call ICS Inhaled Cat Stuff. That can be anything from their hair to dander to litter than has hitched a ride between their toes and landed on our bed. For people with respiratory problems, our ICS makes the medical ICS a good item to have handy.

Women my age are frequently prone to bladder issues and the advertising community has a field day with the acronyms for what ails us. I’m willing to bet that OAB (OverActive Bladder) and LBL (Light Bladder Leakage) began life on a storyboard in some agency creative’s office. In the age of gluten intolerance, OAB must also stand for Oats And Beans, two fiber sources to substitute for wheat. For many women, LBL means Laughter Brings Leakage. So does sneezing.

My favorite bladder-related acronym is BBS (Bashful Bladder Syndrome), an apparently common anxiety disorder also known as paruresis. This seems to be the opposite of a leaky one. Folks with BBS just can’t go if anyone else is around. I feel bad for anyone who has trouble peeing when they feel the urge; (I can pretty much pee on cue). But I love the phrase so much I’m not going to make up a replacement definition. Wikipedia has a list of déclassé nicknames for this condition, so you don’t need one from me.

“Syndromes” is a word that pops up frequently in these disorders. In addition to Bashful Bladder Syndrome, You have IBS (Inflammatory Bowel Syndrome) and FMS (FibroMyalgia Syndrome). Or as, I prefer to define the latter two: Inhale, Breathe, Snort (how I clear my sinuses during allergy season) and the self-explanatory Feline Mothering Syndrome.

“Disease” also appears in many conditions that are familiar in senior circles. First we have CAD (Coronary Artery Disease), not to be confused with CSD (Cat Scratch Disease), whatever that is. I’ll leave CSD alone, but I’m changing CAD to Check And Double-check. Did we turn off the appliances before we left? Count cat noses? Close the garage door? Then there’s GERD (Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disease), or as I think of it: Gotta Exercise, but Rarely Do. That one was a no-brainer.

The final medical acronym on my list is EDS (Excessive Daytime Sleepiness). I was surprised when this turned up in my research. It’s such an appropriate phrase for seniors (well, for me anyway) that there’s no way I’m going to tinker with it. I get sleepy after lunch, during excessive heat (like the past few days) and when I’ve been reading or typing for more than twenty minutes.

That puts me at three for three right now. On that note, I think I’ll grab a cat and go take a nap.

Retirement Issues - Retirochondria

So many people are self-diagnosing by Googling their health symptoms that medical professionals have coined a new term: “cyberchondriacs.” It describes those who get so immersed in health-related research online that they’re sure they have dozens of ailments.

In my week of retirement I’m already more in tune with my body’s aches and pains than when I was going to an office. Either our house is an environmental hazard, or the leisure time that retirement affords leads to physical introspection along with psychological.

Of course, there is a third possibility. Like many new retirees, I’m watching more TV. This will wear thin pretty quickly, but for now, I’m doing it just because I can. It seems every third commercial is for a remedy for some health issue. During a few of these commercials, I’ve noted that I have at least one of the symptoms described.

I’m then compelled to go online to learn more about whether my symptoms (morning stiffness and fatigue, for example) mean I have fibromyalgia (for example) or some other ailment for which treatment is less pricey. This leads to more research, and a sizable list of conditions that cause stiffness, fatigue and memory problems. (I forgot to mention that one.)

Although many of these are normal signs of aging, I’m drawn to the more exotic explanations. Simply put, I’m at risk of becoming a “retirochondriac.” I’m sure there are thousands like me out there, perhaps too ashamed to admit it. Know that you are not alone. Step into the light.

Some of the information I’ve uncovered is alarming. For awhile I’ve been experiencing seemingly contradictory symptoms in my toes—both numb and at the same time tingly with sharp pain. A friend said it sounds like neuropathy but I’m not so sure. When I checked these symptoms online, I discovered I might have been stung by a cone snail.

This is not as far fetched as it may seem. From the photos, I recognized these critters as being among the shells displayed artistically in a china bowl in our living room. (Some of you would say they are simply piled in the bowl, but you would be lacking creative vision.) Now I imagine the snails crawling around the house at night, looking for toes to sting. Laugh if you must, but I’m taking this very seriously. Severe cases of cone snail stings can lead to blurred vision (hm-m-m…) and respiratory paralysis. Note to self: ask eye doctor what he knows about cone snails.

Closer to home is the possibility that I have atrial fibrillation, which my mother had and which more than doubles one’s likelihood of developing dementia after surviving a stroke. My mind is already wandering dangerously close to the outskirts of sanity. I don’t need to add to my risk of dementia. The commercial for MULTAQ prompted me to learn the symptoms of AFib and where better to look than online?

Lack of energy—check, especially after a big meal (or a few glasses of wine…) Heart palpitations—check, but only when I lie awake at night thinking about everything I didn’t get done. Dizziness—check, especially when I stand up suddenly (after a few glasses of wine.) This is definitely something I’ll ask my GP to investigate on my next visit.

While I was on WebMD, I researched one of my husband’s symptoms. He’s developed a quirk in his sleep—his legs twitch. Repeatedly. And at regular intervals. (I timed them at 12 to 15 seconds.) I assumed he has restless leg syndrome. Turns out it’s Periodic Limb Movement Disorder. PLMD happens only at night, and the usual intervals are 20 to 40 seconds. Causes can include iron deficiency and anemia. He’s been tired lately and needs more sleep. It’s no wonder. You’d be exhausted, too, if you exercised all night.

His recent blood tests showed that his hemoglobin is low, and his doctors have run additional tests. They’ve scheduled him at a sleep clinic because they suspect he suffers from apnea, along with anemia. (This diagnosis brought to you by the letter “A.")  If they just spent a little more time on WebMD (or in bed with him,) they’d look into PLMD. Fortunately, the sleep clinic can also detect PLMD. I’m looking forward to his trip so we can sort this out, and so I’ll get at least one good night’s sleep.

Time for one last pass through the symptoms search on WebMD. Let’s see what we find for being exhausted (especially after clearing out a wall full of books and other stuff,) craving ice cream sandwiches (and a glass of Cab,) frequent trips to the loo (after lots of Cab,) and mood swings (when I’ve run out of ice cream and wine.) Well, what do you know! It looks like I may be pregnant. I guess that means I should cut out the wine, but who are we kidding. I’m as likely to do that as I am to be pregnant.

So much for self-diagnosis. Seriously, we all need to be our own best health advocates. The more we understand our bodies and our baseline conditions, the better we can help our physicians keep us healthy. So, get on the Internet, research your symptoms and make your own list of ailments to annoy your doctor about. And don’t forget cone snails.