Medical Whack-A-Mole

Recently I learned that one of my band mates had died, apparently quite suddenly. None of us knew he was seriously ill. It occurred to me that with all the health issues I’ve been dealing with over the past few years, my demise would hardly come as a surprise. More likely friends would wonder: “Which ailment was it that finally got her?”

 

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I’ve been playing Medical Whack-A-Mole. When I finally get one illness under control, another one pops up to take its place. Many times, it was the treatment for the first that caused the next one. Let’s start with my lung cancer, which was diagnosed about two and a half years ago. I entered a clinical trial through Yale, in which I received regular infusions of three drugs: two chemo therapy and an immunotherapy, plus study pills that might have been a placebo.

 

The program was to last two years, but one year into it, I developed pneumonitis, a severe inflammation of the lung. My oncologist and my pulmonologist agreed that the likely cause was one of the drugs I was getting. There was no simple way to know which one. Pulling any of them would take me out of the study in any case, so we stopped my cancer therapy completely.

 

Mercifully, it appeared that the year of treatment had halted the cancer before the pneumonitis popped up like a mole. We whacked that sucker back down with a heavy course of Prednisone. For those of you not familiar with it, Prednisone is a steroid. I was on it for weeks, but it cleared up most of the lung inflammation. It’s a go-to treatment for many ailments.  I’ve concluded that it’s one of three things every household needs on hand, along with duct tape and WD-40.

 

But true to my Whack-A-Mole analogy, the Prednisone gave me a major face rash and I blew up like the Pillsbury Doughboy. I also developed edema in my feet and lower legs. An ultrasound made sure the fluid retention wasn’t due to vein leakage and that I had no blood clots. The edema was just another mole that popped up when we used the steroids to whack something else.

 

An online search led me to taking high supplements of magnesium to reduce water retention. Sadly that whack led to a pop up mole of severe diarrhea. Needless to say, I decided to live with the fluid build up. Fortunately, shortly after the course of steroids was completed, that problem disappeared. Unfortunately, it did not mean I was headed for clear sailing with my health.

 

Even with the pneumonitis under control, I was increasingly short of breath. Tests performed by my pulmonologist turned up two new “moles” to whack. Turns out I have a paralyzed right diaphragm muscle, usually caused by an injury. In my case, there’s no clue why and it might never be normal again. A few weeks of physical therapy could help. More on that later.

 

The other “mole” was pleural effusion, a build up of fluid around the lung. That was drained via a thoracentesis procedure. My breathing improved immediately. Nevertheless, my pulmonologist prescribed a steroidal inhaler to keep my airways clear. The mole from that turned out to be a side effect of some hoarseness, but I can live with that. Back to the pulmonary rehab, which I had two afternoons a week.

 

The rehab included education and light stretching, leg and arm exercises, followed by time on a treadmill. At each session, the treadmill speed and time were increased, but never to anything too stressful. The morning after what would be my last session, I woke up with horrific neck and back pain. Plus I also had a partly paralyzed right hand. I assumed I had slept crooked and pinched a nerve, or something like that.

 

When the pain persisted for days, I made several appointments with specialists. The last was with a neurologist, who has ordered several tests. He also prescribed Gabapentin to address the nerve pain. It has serious mole-like side effects. You can get tired and dizzy, so I take it only late at night.

 

I feel like I’m in a fairy tale. If I stopped dying my hair, I’d be Snow White, but I’m already most of the Seven Dwarfs. Allergy season has me Sneezy. Though I’m certainly never Bashful, much of today’s news leaves me feeling Dopey. I ask so many questions of my physicians that I might as well be a Doc. Gabapentin leaves me Snoozy and Dizzy. Despite spending most of my time playing Medical Whack-A-Mole, I’m rarely Grumpy and I’m usually Happy. I won’t ask for more than that.

 

Copyright 2023 Business Theatre Unlimited

Retirement Medicine — Cures in the Pantry

There’s an article going around the Internet titled “A Great Alternative to Taking Medication! 20 Painkillers in Your Kitchen.” Several of these “painkillers” should be familiar to most of you; some are more unusual.

I’ve combed through the list to find ones that should be useful to retirees. I skipped over the treatment for PMS (yoghurt) and endometrial pain (oats). I focused instead on the ones that address my own problems and those of my fellow retirees.

Here’s your shopping list of cures to keep at the ready for ailments that you’re sure to suffer at some point in your retirement:

Ginger (fresh or dried), Cloves, Turmeric, Garlic, Cider Vinegar, Peppermint Oil, Horseradish, Pineapple, Blueberries, and
Mango Ice Cream

Let’s start with something simple and familiar—cloves. We’ve all heard that oil of clove relieves a toothache. I read that if you chew on a teaspoonful of whole cloves, you can reduce gum inflammation. When I was at Colgate-Palmolive, I worked on toothpaste that targeted gingivitis. So, I felt compelled to check out this clove thing. After a half hour chomping on clove stems, all I had to show for my trouble was lacerations on the inside of my mouth.

Another familiar kitchen wonder is garlic. I was surprised to learn that dropping garlic oil into your ear can cure an earache. Anyone familiar with pop culture knows the real reason for the run on garlic at farmers’ markets. It wards off vampires, zombies and other evils. I remember bringing a chunk of garlic with me to The Exorcist, just in case. I’m happy to report that I was no more full of the devil when I left the theater than when I went in. I guess the garlic worked.

A curious prescriptive is the use of cider vinegar to relieve heartburn. I’ve heard of “hair of the dog” to cure a hangover, but something acidic to prevent acid? That seems counter-intuitive. I’m more comfortable with the notion of using pineapple (another pantry must-have) to aid digestion.

My favorite piece of new information is that horseradish helps drain the sinuses, a major chronic health issue. I love horseradish and I hate my clogged sinuses. I’m just masochistic enough to tolerate that nasal zing so I can breathe more easily. It’s no surprise that the research on this came out of Germany, a country known for sucking it up in the name of superiority. One detail I initially overlooked: you’re supposed to ingest the horseradish, not put it up your nose.

The Internet article offers two treatments for muscle pain. It suggests soaking in a tub of warm water with peppermint oil. I can picture this working, but I think rubbing the aching muscle with peppermint ointment would bring quicker relief. For those reading Fifty Shades of Gray, it might serve some other purposes, as well.

The other muscle reliever cited is ginger. No, not Ginger, the “massage therapist.” I’m talking about ginger, the root that we shave and marinate to enjoy with sushi. You can also eat dried or chopped ginger to get pain relief. Though I’ve never had a massage myself, I’ll bet Ginger’s special skills also work wonders.

The final miracle ingredient in your pantry is turmeric. Well, it may not be in your pantry, but there’s plenty of it in ours. Remember, my husband is Indian. Turmeric supposedly works better than your standard OTC analgesics and NSAIDs for chronic joint pain and inflammation, especially arthritis. Add it to just about any dish you are cooking up on the stove.

Fair warning: turmeric will stain most plastic dishes and containers yellow. Also Formica countertops. You can try to neutralize the color by mixing it with crushed blueberries, but that requires a delicate balance of the two. Otherwise, you wind up with blue stains. Turmeric will also stain your skin yellow, so be sure to wash your fingers thoroughly.

My most memorable experience with this spice occurred outside the kitchen, as part of my nephew’s wedding. As his mother’s brother’s wife, I had a special role. With the help of other women, I bathed him in turmeric as a purifying ritual prior to the marriage ceremony. He wore bathing trunks and stood in his bathtub, while I scrubbed him until he was mustard yellow. No word on what the turmeric did for his joints, but he and his wife now have two adorable daughters.

If you’ve been cross referencing your shopping list, you’re probably wondering where the mango ice cream comes in. That was my own idea. No matter what ails me, I’ve always found that ice cream makes it better. I like to keep well-stocked. You should, too.

Retirement Issues - Retirochondria

So many people are self-diagnosing by Googling their health symptoms that medical professionals have coined a new term: “cyberchondriacs.” It describes those who get so immersed in health-related research online that they’re sure they have dozens of ailments.

In my week of retirement I’m already more in tune with my body’s aches and pains than when I was going to an office. Either our house is an environmental hazard, or the leisure time that retirement affords leads to physical introspection along with psychological.

Of course, there is a third possibility. Like many new retirees, I’m watching more TV. This will wear thin pretty quickly, but for now, I’m doing it just because I can. It seems every third commercial is for a remedy for some health issue. During a few of these commercials, I’ve noted that I have at least one of the symptoms described.

I’m then compelled to go online to learn more about whether my symptoms (morning stiffness and fatigue, for example) mean I have fibromyalgia (for example) or some other ailment for which treatment is less pricey. This leads to more research, and a sizable list of conditions that cause stiffness, fatigue and memory problems. (I forgot to mention that one.)

Although many of these are normal signs of aging, I’m drawn to the more exotic explanations. Simply put, I’m at risk of becoming a “retirochondriac.” I’m sure there are thousands like me out there, perhaps too ashamed to admit it. Know that you are not alone. Step into the light.

Some of the information I’ve uncovered is alarming. For awhile I’ve been experiencing seemingly contradictory symptoms in my toes—both numb and at the same time tingly with sharp pain. A friend said it sounds like neuropathy but I’m not so sure. When I checked these symptoms online, I discovered I might have been stung by a cone snail.

This is not as far fetched as it may seem. From the photos, I recognized these critters as being among the shells displayed artistically in a china bowl in our living room. (Some of you would say they are simply piled in the bowl, but you would be lacking creative vision.) Now I imagine the snails crawling around the house at night, looking for toes to sting. Laugh if you must, but I’m taking this very seriously. Severe cases of cone snail stings can lead to blurred vision (hm-m-m…) and respiratory paralysis. Note to self: ask eye doctor what he knows about cone snails.

Closer to home is the possibility that I have atrial fibrillation, which my mother had and which more than doubles one’s likelihood of developing dementia after surviving a stroke. My mind is already wandering dangerously close to the outskirts of sanity. I don’t need to add to my risk of dementia. The commercial for MULTAQ prompted me to learn the symptoms of AFib and where better to look than online?

Lack of energy—check, especially after a big meal (or a few glasses of wine…) Heart palpitations—check, but only when I lie awake at night thinking about everything I didn’t get done. Dizziness—check, especially when I stand up suddenly (after a few glasses of wine.) This is definitely something I’ll ask my GP to investigate on my next visit.

While I was on WebMD, I researched one of my husband’s symptoms. He’s developed a quirk in his sleep—his legs twitch. Repeatedly. And at regular intervals. (I timed them at 12 to 15 seconds.) I assumed he has restless leg syndrome. Turns out it’s Periodic Limb Movement Disorder. PLMD happens only at night, and the usual intervals are 20 to 40 seconds. Causes can include iron deficiency and anemia. He’s been tired lately and needs more sleep. It’s no wonder. You’d be exhausted, too, if you exercised all night.

His recent blood tests showed that his hemoglobin is low, and his doctors have run additional tests. They’ve scheduled him at a sleep clinic because they suspect he suffers from apnea, along with anemia. (This diagnosis brought to you by the letter “A.")  If they just spent a little more time on WebMD (or in bed with him,) they’d look into PLMD. Fortunately, the sleep clinic can also detect PLMD. I’m looking forward to his trip so we can sort this out, and so I’ll get at least one good night’s sleep.

Time for one last pass through the symptoms search on WebMD. Let’s see what we find for being exhausted (especially after clearing out a wall full of books and other stuff,) craving ice cream sandwiches (and a glass of Cab,) frequent trips to the loo (after lots of Cab,) and mood swings (when I’ve run out of ice cream and wine.) Well, what do you know! It looks like I may be pregnant. I guess that means I should cut out the wine, but who are we kidding. I’m as likely to do that as I am to be pregnant.

So much for self-diagnosis. Seriously, we all need to be our own best health advocates. The more we understand our bodies and our baseline conditions, the better we can help our physicians keep us healthy. So, get on the Internet, research your symptoms and make your own list of ailments to annoy your doctor about. And don’t forget cone snails.