Obituary Overload

When I put this year’s list of banned words and phrases together, I wanted very much to include “obituary.” It was a fool’s errand to consider that, since there is no way we can get through 2017 without seeing that word again. But it did get me to thinking about some specific obituaries from 2016 and obituaries in general.

Last year began with the death of my former significant other, Charlie Schneider. We co-owned a home for about eight years and remained close after he bought out my half. I visited him a few times back in New Jersey after I married Jagdish and moved to Rhode Island. In his last years, Charlie suffered from dementia. I kept abreast of his condition through his daughter. He was bed-ridden at the end, which would have devastated him if he’d been aware enough to fully appreciate what limitations that had put on him.

Several months later, my sister’s husband, Bob, passed away. It was one of those deaths that we call a blessing. He’d been diagnosed with a stage-three brain tumor coming up on six years earlier. High-end survival is pegged at five years, so he was on borrowed time. He was bed-ridden in a nursing home for over two years at the end, and wheelchair bound at home for a considerable time before that. So, yes, his death truly was a blessing. Of course, his obituary didn’t say that. It was filled with the many good things about his life.

I’m so tired of reading those final accounts. Tired of hearing who died this week. It seemed like 2016 had more deaths of celebrities than usual. For some reason, the loss of Gwen Ifill hit me hard, probably because I didn’t realize she was ill. I accepted PBS’s simple explanation that she was “away.” The end-of-year summaries always include the video montage of who has left us. Singers, actors, sports legends, notables in the field of science. As I watched one of these recently I realized something that made obituaries even more depressing for me.

When I was young—say in my twenties and perhaps thirties—there were always some people who had died whose names were unfamiliar to me. Those were the older ones, the actors and prominent names of my mother’s generation. Eventually, I reached an age where I seemed to know almost everyone in the montage, both young and old. I didn’t give this much thought. At least not until this year.

Once again there are faces that are unfamiliar. Oh, I’ve probably heard their names at some point. But if you asked me what type of music they sang, what was their signature song, I’d be clueless. George Michael is a good example. True, those luminaries died “before their time,” but not in their youth. They just moved on at the beginning of that phase where people start dying.

Where does that leave me? Recognizing all the older faces and names in those montages. Shedding a tear to think that no, we won’t see Debbie Reynolds in some new project in the future. Knowing that Zsa Zsa Gabor had a sister Eva and too many husbands to count on one hand. Aware of the health issues faced by the trail blazing women, Janet Reno and the much younger Pat Summitt. I’ll always remember Alan Rickman from Love Actually (I own the DVD), not the Harry Potter movies (never saw any of them). I even had a brief crush on George Kennedy when I was young.

If there’s a bell curve of obituaries, of deaths recognized, I’m now on the down slope. I may not be able to ban “obituary” for 2017, but I can certainly make a desperate plea to the powers that be, assuming there are such powers and that they’ll listen. “Please let us have Betty White for many more years, another gig or two hosting Saturday Night Live, and a few more cameo performances in a movie or TV show.” I cry enough when I watch reruns of The Golden Girls. I don’t think I could handle it if Betty were also gone.

It would be nice if we could also hold on to Robert Duvall (another of my former crushes) and Anthony Hopkins a bit longer, too. And if Jimmy Carter could build a few more houses before we lose him. Is all of that really so much to ask?

Retirement Wish List — Discussion Shows for Retirees

Some of the most popular TV fare are discussion shows with panels of regulars. The quintessential example and my favorite is ABC’s The View. For those living in a man cave—oops! my bad (banned phrase in 2012)—under a rock, The View has five female co-hosts of varying demographics, backgrounds and, appropriately, points of View.

CBS developed a competing but less successful show, The Talk. They must have thought their title would deliver women who meant to tune in The View but got confused. As if. Meanwhile, ABC, pumped by its continued good ratings and CBS’s less than stellar entry, concluded they are simply better at this format. They expanded from women’s issues into The Chew, about—you guessed it—food.

Notice that discussion shows all have four letter titles. That includes The Five, Fox’s replacement for Glenn Beck when he bailed on them. The Five, with a rotating panel of—you guessed it again, five—Fox personalities, was created as a stop-gap. When it was still gapping nicely without stop after three months, it became permanent.

As I mulled this over, I decided there’s an opportunity for discussion shows for retirees. The network that hops on this should develop one version for women and another for men, for two key reasons. First, with all the flirting and fawning, there’d be too much sexual tension in a co-ed group. You couldn’t have serious conversations. Second, the ideal panel size seems to be five. So a co-ed panel would have an uneven number of members of each sex—never a good idea. (Remember Spin the Bottle?)

I have suggestions for the composition of these panels to get the same level of head-butting (or butt-heading?) as on The View. I’ve worked hard to get a range of ages and points of view and to provide diversity. It wasn’t easy. Just try to find an older conservative female celebrity. Or an older black one, for that matter; most of those even close to retirement are already on a discussion show.

For the women’s panel, Betty White is a must. She’s hot (in Cleveland) now, is opinionated and funny, and has demonstrated her chops in female-group programming. Another good choice is Jane Fonda, who has just put out exercise DVD’s for seniors. She’s also opinionated, though not funny, but we’ve got that covered with Betty. Jane should come cheap; she’ll want to push her DVD’s at least until her leotard wears out. (She still has that striped one from her original workout video.)

I’d also include The Brady Bunch mom, Florence Henderson; her RLTV cable show is obscure enough to be a non-issue. Wikipedia claims she supports a Catholic charity and, out of respect, refused to dress in a nun's habit for a comedy skit. That makes her quasi-conservative compared to other celebrities, even if she did get crabs from NYC Mayor John Lindsay when she had an adulterous affair with him in the sixties.

Faye Wattleton would be a great panel member. She’s known for speaking out on controversial topics, plus she provides that sought after diversity. Candice Bergen rounds out my choices. She’s one of the contributors to the women’s website WowOWow.com. Her pregnant-out-of-wedlock Murphy Brown character could debate Planned Grandparenthood with Faye. Can't wait.

Moving on to the candidates for the men’s show, we have lots of choices, several of whom have had talk shows of their own. We think they can be lured into joining our discussion group, now that they are in or are approaching their own retirement.

Two obvious ones that will add excitement, controversy and color are Jerry Springer and Larry King. For color of a different sort, we’ll pull in Bill Cosby. Less obvious, but faces that are familiar on the late night circuit, are Terry Bradshaw and Ben Stein. Bradshaw is borderline manic and Stein can be depressive. Talk about stirring the pot. Stein has the added advantage of offering a conservative voice.

Once a month, we’ll bring the two panels together on a current hot topic that is highly polarizing. That should really liven up the discussions. Betty White going at it with Larry King over clip-on vs. button-on suspenders! Florence Henderson taking on fellow Dancing with the Stars alum Jerry Springer on whether the rumba can be adapted for pole dancing! Talk about sexual tension…

The only thing left to do is come up with a four-letter name for these suckers. The Perk is a possibility, but isn't it too Central to the Friends TV show? Perhaps The Brew; that can have several meanings. We’ll tell the men it’s short for Brewski.

Oh, yes. These shows are destined for critical acclaim. I think I’ve found my next career: TV programming. Sta-a-ay tuned!