Forget Masculine Toilets and Wonderbras. Get Your Balls-Up!

In a recent monologue, Stephen Colbert took aim at interim Attorney General Matt Whitaker’s business dealings. The target of his humor was the masculine toilet, a product of World Patent Marketing, on whose advisory board Whitaker sits. (No word on whether he also sits on their product.) The bowl of this loo is extra deep, so that a well-endowed man doesn’t have to worry about dipping his junk into the water.

Colbert took an added swipe at Whitaker, claiming he also has a product called Snowballs. This underwear was purportedly designed to keep the family jewels cool, thereby improving potency. All of this reminded me of an article I wrote in 1994. It was the height of the Wonderbra™ craze, long before #metoo and #timesup. Undergarments were marketed very differently for women than they were for men (plus ça change…)

It’s time to take a look back at my masterpiece. It was never published. Once you read it, you’ll understand why. Warning: whether you’re a woman or a man, pee before reading. Sit, stand or straddle; I don’t care. On that note…

I’m weary of this media fuss over the Wonderbra et al. I can’t keep up with it. It’s not that I disapprove of women who want to appear sexy. It’s just that I’ve reached that stage in my life when I don’t want parts of my anatomy thrust under the nose of anyone who wouldn’t recognize them in the dark, bereft of their accouterments.

I don’t think the media would be so obsessed over structural enhancements to parts of men’s anatomy. Sisters (I said to myself), it’s time to fight fire with fire. Which naturally brought to mind Jerry Lee Lewis and his “Great Balls of…” Which in turn inspired my new product—an engineering marvel to rival the most wondrous of bras. I challenge the media to give this product the same attention it has afforded the Wonderbra and all its clones.

Introducing Balls-Up, for great balls! (Play it again, Jerry Lee.) This uplifting piece of gear is made of 100% natural fibers and is guaranteed hypoallergenic. It consists of 69 separate pieces, all carefully French-seamed for durability. Balls-Up comes in four sizes—M, L, XL and Oh, Really? (Size S was dropped after test-market research showed no one would buy it.)

This is not just another athletic supporter, although that same test-market research did show that jocks are just itching to get their Balls-Up. By a 2-to-1 margin, they favor the Lap Cat model, which is extra-durable to protect from claws, spikes, fingernails and other penetrating objects.

We at Balls-Up are more sensitive to the variety of men’s needs than the makers of Wonderbra are to women’s. Our motto: If you’ve got the balls, we’ll get them up right.

Are you part of that 6% of the population who have only one testicle? You’ll be glad to learn about our Uniball model, available in both “dress right” and “dress left” versions. This streamlined Balls-Up has an invisible counter-weight and an attractive racing stripe. The design is under consideration for a pending exhibit at the MOMA.

Worried about static electricity in winter with your Balls-Up against the metal parts of your zipper? No problem! We have seasonally available an anti-stat model, which uses no elastic at all and has a built-in fabric softener dispenser with variable time-release. (Think about that a minute...)

Are your testicles oversized relative to your penis? Check out our Glider model, with its unique Frank Lloyd Wright construction featuring cantilevered cups. It’s showcased in the December issue of Architectural Digest. The patented anti-chafing design comes in two materials—ultra-gel (coolant) for summer wear and lamb’s wool for winter.

No matter what your body type or lifestyle, there’s a Balls-Up that’s perfect for you. With our money-back guarantee, you can try the model of your choice RISK-FREE for ten days. If you don’t enjoy having your Balls-Up, just wrap it up and send it back to us. We’ll return your payment, no questions asked. No snide comments on Post-it notes. No presumptions about your sexual orientation. No inclusion of your name on any mailing list of those who have opted for droopy balls. Just your money back, plain and simple.

Brothers of America, be as bold as the sisters who are flaunting their endowment mercilessly and ubiquitously. Show that sexy Creative Director in the Wonder bra that you’re a real man. Get your Balls-Up! Challenge her to “Look me in the fly and tell me you love me.”

Ed Note: One of the original Wonderbra ads showed a man mesmerized by a babe’s boobs. It had the tag line: “Look me in the eye and tell me you love me.”

Copyright 1994 and 2018 Elaine M. Decker