Smarter Glasses

The other night I dreamed that I was walking thru a mall when a woman came up and gave me a big “hello.” Though she called me by my name, I had no idea who she was. I mumbled something about not being able to see who she was because I didn’t have on my “facial recognition” glasses. We chatted a bit and went on our separate ways. I still had no clue who she was or how I knew her.

This dream was odd for several reasons. For one thing, I’m almost never in a mall. More likely we would have met in a supermarket, but you can’t control your dreams. And I’ve never heard of those glasses (which I doubt even exist). Even stranger, in the dream I thought: “This could make a good blog post,” and I actually remembered that when I woke up.

So here it is. I have reading glasses (aka “cheaters”) and driving glasses. But there are other uses for which neither of these is quite right.

Take watching TV for instance. The TV is too close to be in driving range. But some of the type that sometimes crawls along the bottom is too far away for cheaters. Glasses tailored specifically for TV would be a godsend.

Ditto for using the computer. My eye doctor suggested using cheaters that are slightly weaker than my reading ones when I’m on the computer. That helps, but I’m sure there’s a way to improve on this.

How about the mice type on medicine bottles and the RDA panels on groceries? My cheaters need to click into overdrive for me to read those and I’m still left squinting.

And of course, there’s the “facial recognition” ones that started all of this. Someone needs to miniaturize the smart phone technology and pair it with eyeglasses. These "smart glasses" would “talk” to a database of faces, names, and the context of how you know the person. The deluxe model could include names of their family members and pets, birthdays and such. A lot of sales people would pay a bundle for those. They’ be the ultimate “cheaters.”

No one wants to have a half-dozen specialized eyeglasses hanging around their neck. That means the ideal glasses will have all of this technology merged into one pair. It could have a menu that could “drop down” inside your eyelids. You’d blink at the functionality desired and voilà! Customized vision enhancement.

The final feature I’d like to see would be a self-tracking beacon, so I could find where I left the glasses. Or maybe they could walk on their “arms” and find me.

I’m not holding my breath for any of these to become available. So if I don’t recognize you the next time our paths cross in the mall or market, please forgive me. My eyesight and my memory are both on that downward trajectory that comes with age. If you delicately slip into our conversation your name and how I know you, I’ll be glad to tell you all about my idea for smarter glasses.