Random Thoughts and Potpourri Spring 2015

April is when I generally post my spring potpourri of tidbits I’ve found in various media. This year I’m adding some random thoughts, with which I’m beginning this essay.

The  April 19 New York Times had a piece titled “Reclaiming the Age-Old Art of Getting Lost.” My first thought upon seeing the title was that it would be a treatise on growing old, since getting lost is one of the things most of use get better at as we age. Author Stephanie Rosenbloom’s subtitle was “Ditching modern-day navigation apps in favor of wandering and discovery.”

As it turned out, she wrote an essay for everyone. I put a link to it on my Facebook page. It elicited many comments from friends who’ve been practicing getting lost in foreign lands for years. This made me yearn to travel again as I did in my twenties. Eurail pass, youth hostel card (OK, forget that) and a set of sheets (cancel that, too). Sigh. At least we can still take advantage of the affordable and flexible train pass. A quick look-see turned up four options priced from $67 (1 country) to $338 (28 countries).

Somewhere along the way in following this thought train (not a literal train, and hold that thought, please), I came across a scribbled quote from John Steinbeck in Travels with Charley. “I was born lost and take no pleasure in being found.” I’m saving that as a potential motto for when I reach my eighties. I may need it.

That issue of the Times provided fodder for other random thoughts. An op ed by Ross Douthat (opining about critics of Charlie Hebdo cartoonists) noted that “critics… need to realize that satire isn’t just for ‘suitable’ subjects.” I get his point, but I prefer to keep my satire relatively tame. I have few enough loyal readers as it is. I’m still struggling to get some of them to understand that my columns are, in fact, satirical and not, in satire, factual—not a train meant to be taken literally.

My last tidbit to share from the April 19 Times was about a trend in Afghani weddings. The culture has a tradition of hospitality, which means even wedding crashers must be welcomed and fed. A typical event might have 600 invited guests and 700 other folks popping in for the free banquet. One of them was quoted as saying “With a wedding every night, there is no need to go hungry.” Maybe also no incentive to get married.

A few potpourri items from Time magazine 1/26/15 have to do with numbers. Cadbury reduced the egg count in its Easter-favorite Creme Eggs pack from 6 to 5. Distraught fans were described as "basket cases." A man in Hong Kong tried to smuggle iPhones into mainland China by strapping all 94 of them to his body. No doubt one of his trips to the loo gave new meaning to “butt dialing.” In a major accident in South Dakota, a truck dumped 500 pounds of McDonald’s French fries onto the Interstate. Motorists definitely were not "lovin’ it."

From that same issue of Time, some state of the art technology. The French have developed a belt that loosens automatically after you’ve had too much to eat. Seems like that must be targeting the tourist trade, or made for export. Those skinny frogs can’t possibly have a use for it. I’d rather have one that tightens itself, making me feel full.

Here’s something from Time magazine 4/20/15. Apparently, turning those number cards on The Price Is Right is more challenging than it appears. One of their models revealed a correct price before the contestant had a chance to guess it. Needless to say, when he made his guess, the price was right. The cost to TPIR? $21,960. It was a Hyundai Sonata. The model was heard mumbling afterward, “Why couldn’t it have happened with the damn washing machine?” Why indeed.

Finally, a not completely random observation. The moniker “dames” has been creeping into the news lately. The aforementioned Time of April 20 had an article about fashion that featured older models who are more and more in demand. “Grand dames are redefining beauty with their senior chic,” trumpeted the piece. The same week, Cokie Roberts was stumping for her new book Capital Dames, about the contribution of women in Washington, D.C. during the Civil War.

This leaves me wondering: Is “dames” the new term for “babes” (especially for seniors)? Probably not. After all, two data points do not a trend make. Not even in satire.

Theme Songs for Seniors

The popular songs of our youth and our salad years continue to evoke a visceral reaction when we hear them on the radio or other media. Often they transport us back to a period or a specific event in our lives, usually one that calls up fond memories. Sadly, our current circumstances and especially our bodies aren’t quite up to the task of recreating those times in reality. Because of this, I’m rethinking some classic tunes to provide more age appropriate images.

The song that immediately comes to my mind as having new meaning is Hank Locklin’s 1960 hit: Please Help Me I’m Falling. No longer about love, this is to be taken literally. It brings up some related titles with slightly new lyrics. “Walk right in, trip right down, daddy let your pants hang down.” This 1963 Rooftop Singers hit is now a call to action: tighten your Sansabelts or get some suspenders. For women there’s the variation of Nancy Sinatra’s 1966 chart topper: These Danskos Are Made for Walkin’.

This brings me to the subject of downsizing our homes and looking for a place with a first floor master suite so there are fewer stairs to deal with. Remember The Animals 1965 smash We Gotta Get Out of This Place? You’ll know it’s time if your new favorite oldie is Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head, best known as the theme song from the movie Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. A smaller house means fewer entrances and One Less Bell to Answer (á la the 5^th Dimension in 1970).

Another group of tunes that have strong connections to seniors are sleep-related. Sometimes it’s due to a snoring spouse—All Night Long (Lionel Ritchie 1983). Sometimes it’s just chronic insomnia. Or too much caffeine late in the day. Or not enough wine in the evening. All of which lead us to the 5^th Dimension’s I Didn’t Get To Sleep At All (but not for the reasons they had in mind in 1972). How about Simon & Garfunkel’s Sounds of Silence as a wishful-thinking lullaby?

We also have some songs that relate directly to health issues that are common among folks my age. I especially like Jay and the Americans’ 1964 hit, Come A Little Bit Closer, because I can’t hear you when you’re So Far Away (thank you Carole King). Or my favorite before-and-after pairing of adapted lyrics. “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s a cataract.” Followed after successful laser surgery with “I can see clearly now the film is gone.”

Then there’s the revisionary tune for diabetics—A Spoonful of Splenda (Makes the Medicine Go Down). Thanks to The Searchers in 1964, we also have a title for the sensation older folks often get in their toes at night: Needles and Pins.

Once we retire, we don’t get regular social updates at the office anymore. Unless everyone we care about is active on Facebook, you can be pretty certain that if we know what’s going on, it’s because, like Marvin Gaye, we Heard It Through the Grapevine.

We also have some senior anthems that need no explanation. They’ve simply taken on new importance as we’ve aged. There’s the 1964 Bob Dylan classic The Times They Are A Changin’. They are indeed, and the smart ones among us are committed to changing along with them. That’s because, to quote the Bee Gees, we know that it’s one of the best ways to keep Stayin’ Alive.

Senior Flirting Techniques

Ah, Spring! The season of bare limbs and flirtatious behavior! The older we get, the less we’re inclined to bare things. But age is no reason to stop flirting. We simply need to adjust our techniques to be age-appropriate. Here are some guidelines for seniors who still enjoy this time-honored spring ritual.

If you wear reading glasses—and who doesn’t?—slide them slowly up off the bridge of your nose and perch them on top of your head. Follow this motion with a smile and lean forward toward the object of your flirtation. You’ll need to lean in to see him or her clearly without your glasses in any case, so the move has double benefits.

Carry a package of straws at all times. When you see someone flirt-worthy, put a straw in your drink. Swirl it around and stroke the end of it sensuously. Remember the chess scene with Faye Dunaway and Steve McQueen in The Thomas Crown Affair? (If you have 6 minutes, watch the seduction on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVp9v9kCXE8.) You can use this technique with almost any drink, including prune juice. But if your choice of orange juice is high-pulp, best to try something else.

Bake some brownies in the shape of hearts and offer to share them. Break the heart in two—a matching half for each of you. Making “brannies” (bran-muffin brownies) is especially thoughtful. In the current food climate, finding a gluten-free recipe is also a wise move. My niece, Pam, can probably help with that.

If you have a First-Alert alarm button that hangs around your neck, twirl it with your index finger. You might have to practice this in front of a mirror a few times. If you accidentally push the button, you can quickly cancel the rescue service without any embarrassing explanation. Once you have it perfected, try it on your intended paramour.

Tie a colorful bandana around your neck and coyly chew on one of the ends. This has the added benefit of hiding most of your wrinkles or your “natty” (neck wattle). Make sure you have plucked all your “stiffies” (bristly goat hairs on your chin) before you do this, lest you draw extra attention to them. Men can adapt this by using a necktie. Drape it around your neck, one end looped simply over the other, like you did on the knob of your dorm room door if you had a female guest when you were in college.

If you’re a senior who now uses a walker to get around, you have yet another way of flirting with your companions. Gently rock the legs of the walker back and forth in place. If you can manage without falling over, rotate your hips in a clockwise circle (think hula hoop motion). Hum a provocative tune while you do this. Some good songs to consider: I’m In the Mood for Love, For Your Eyes Only and I Can’t Help Falling in Love. All romantic, but low impact. Be sure not to trip when you hum that last one.

Here’s a variation on the drinking straw flirtation. If you’re in a home environment, slather your feet with baby oil. Then slide one foot in and out of your slipper very slowly. When the oil on that foot has soaked in, switch to the other one. You may have to repeat this a few times to get a response from your paramour. Don’t try to re-oil your feet during the process. No one wants to see what goes on behind the curtain…

Fan yourself with a Victoria’s Secret catalog. You can open it to an appropriate page (no flannel pajamas, please) or just flash the cover his way. Do not use the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition as an alternative. Picturing someone our age in one of those skimpy bikinis will have the opposite effect from what we’re trying to achieve here. It might even provoke a heart episode.

If you’re one of the rare seniors who are tech savvy, take some provocative selfies and show them to your target. Borrow a teenaged relative’s smart phone to get some ideas of poses. Anything with your tongue, an earlobe or some cleavage (women only, please) should work. Best not to combine any two of these in one photo, however.

This list should provide a useful launch pad for your flirtation journey. What are you waiting for? Get started right now. You can thank me later.

Spread the Words

Starbucks recently introduced a campaign that they hoped would stimulate dialogue about race relations. Its baristas were instructed to write “Race Together” on their customers’ coffee cups. After just one week, the company pulled the plug on the campaign, but they claim it wasn’t because of the negative backlash on social media. Perhaps it was just taking too long to write that message neatly while the customer was twitching in line, waiting for his caffeine fix.

Whatever the reason, it got me thinking about the power of words. Each January, I along with dozens of others put out a list of banned words for the upcoming year. These are always negative words and phrases, ones that are like fingernails scratching on chalkboard. It dawned on me that this is a glass-half-empty approach. What we really need is a glass-half-full list of words that we urge others to use. In the interest of promoting positive thinking (and speaking), here are my suggestions.

My first grouping features words that support people’s efforts to become the best possible versions of themselves. Let’s talk about empowerment, encouragement and potential. I especially love the copy line my husband came up with for his store SPECTRUM-India. He’s taken the glass-half-full concept further and tells his customers they are “an overflowing glass of phenomenal potential.” He even has T-shirts with that message on them.

We should use language that helps folks tap into their potential. Don’t put up roadblocks and scatter disincentives. Instead, promote creativity, inspiration, and imagination.

In the spirit of Race Together, we should also fill our conversations about how to achieve personal goals with concepts like collaboration, togetherness, compassion and harmony. I prefer those to the commonly used teamwork. That sounds more like the mechanics of achievement and less like the relationship part of getting there.

I also love words that suggest that we should be happy with what we have achieved in life. This of course assumes that we have first made an honest effort to be the best that we can. Let’s hear it for contentment, serenity, fulfillment and abundance. (But please, not an abundance of caution! I banned that phrase for 2015.) Along those lines, let’s also be thankful for what we have and make regular use of appreciation and gratitude.

I’m attracted to terms that may sound a bit New Age to some of you, but that put me in mind of a highly positive approach to living. Holistic and organic are two of these (and I’m not thinking about food here). These words have me considering all aspects of my life, about how to keep them in harmony, and about being open to change and growth even when it might not have been on my radar.

The Chinese (or Buddhist) philosophical concept of The Tao translates to The Way. I’d like us to practice thinking and talking about ways to be. Let’s be generous and full of kindness toward others. Let’s be full of promise and wonderment for ourselves. Be proud of what we’ve accomplished and give praise to others for their achievements. Look at the glass as half full, on its way to overflowing.

Wouldn’t it be great if we all made a conscious effort to spread positive words and thoughts like these? All that good karma wafting throughout our universe! Sing along now: “What a wonderful world it would be.” (Thank you, Satchmo.)