Big Brother Is Watching

Several items in the media made me realize that Big Brother may be watching us a lot more than we realize. Some of this spying can be helpful, but other applications send a frisson of fear up my spine.

The first report that caught my attention was something I saw in the Daily Skimm, a cleverly written email summary of sometimes arcane news items. There’s now a smart mattress that can tell you if there’s been “activity” on it. At first I thought this was another aspect of the Fitbit craze, to help you figure out how many calories you burned during—um—your sleep activity. As a service to my readers, I did some on-line sleuthing to learn more about this slumber wonder.

It’s made by Durmet, a Spanish company, and it sends an audio alert whenever it’s “in use.” What’s more, it can tell the “duration, intensity and impact per minute” of that usage. The matt-app allows you to trigger certain music when a horizontal mambo is detected. One song that immediately comes to mind is Lay, Lady, Lay, but Tears On My Pillow might be more appropriate if there’s a cheating spouse involved.

A few days after I read about the mattress, the New York Times had a piece on being able to tell whether or not your dog was walked. That tool uses GPS to see where the pet has been. It seems to me that puddles of pee and piles of poop on your rugs would be a more immediate way of knowing if the walker has been ripping you off.

This reminded me of another GPS-based app that I found useful when I was consulting for Brown Development. At the end of the day I would take the Brown shuttle from the building where I worked to the main campus up the hill. Then I’d walk home the remaining mile, usually stopping to see my husband at his store on my way. The shuttle provided on-line updates of where it was along the route. When it was running late, I could keep working at my desk and still catch it without having to wait in the cold.

I think I also read that there are companies that can tell you the location of the pizza you ordered for delivery. Or maybe I just imagined that one. It makes sense, after all. If you think about it, there are quite a few ways that Big Brother could use this type of remote sensing technology. Let’s explore a few of them.

Your dentist could catch you lying about your oral hygiene if the free brush he gave you at your last visit had an app like this embedded. Disproving your flossing would be more of a challenge, and it’s the flossing that really helps keep your gums healthy. I’ll let the scientists among you keep working on that one.

Similar technology could monitor whether or not I really practiced the saxophone when I claimed I had. Maybe it could also produce an audio-graph that would provide clues to what songs I’d played. I’m not sure who would care about this, and frankly, there’s another way to know if I’d been playing. Just see if the cat is hiding under the bed; she’s not a fan of my music.

Speaking of cats and dogs, by putting sensors in their custom brushes, you’d be able to tell how long the salon spent grooming them. In our home, we can judge that by how much of their hair is standing on end from static electricity.

A real Big Brother application would rig the freezer door to tell when it’s been opened and for how long. I’d have a hard time lying about those midnight raids for ice cream. That might be even more effective than a food journal in reducing my caloric intake.

I think the most creative use is something that will put the fear of God in my Catholic readers. Or more accurately, the fear of their parish priests. The same electronics that report what’s going on with the smart mattresses could be embedded in rosary beads. The penance the priest doles out in the confessional would require you to use your beads. If you don’t work your way through the prayers as prescribed, your sins won’t be forgiven. It certainly adds a new dimension to “a good act of contrition.”

I’ve just scratched the surface here. You no doubt have many ideas of your own. Maybe I’m a romantic, but I’m confident our apps would find larger markets than that smart mattress.

Retirement Process - Social Insecurity

When last I left you, I was worried that a government shutdown might delay the approval of my application for Social Security. I was skeptical that it would have been finalized in just one week; the process seemed suspiciously easy. Unfortunately my suspicions were well-founded.

Over the weekend, I went on line to check the progress of my application. The status information indicated they’d sent me a request for proof of name change. I never received the request, but my guess is that they were referring to when I went back to my maiden name about 25 years ago.

Because I had a career as Dohn, I kept that name after my divorce. I changed it back to Decker by court order in the mid eighties. My annual reports of Social Security earnings have been coming to Decker for as long as I can remember. My Medicare was approved for Decker. They can’t seriously think I might still be Elaine Dohn. (Oh, but they do.) My disbelief turns to indignation that women have these problems, but men never do.

I spent several hours Sunday sifting through drawers of paperwork looking for the court order to no avail. So, Monday morning I began what became many hours of phone calls, surfing, and digging through filing cabinets. First I called the toll-free number from my on-line status information. Kenny answered. He was polite, but couldn’t help me, since he was at the national level. Kenny redirected me to my local office in Providence.

Mrs. Dunlop also listened politely but told me there was nothing she could do. My application is being handled by Miss Katshow; she’s the person who decided I need to prove I’m Elaine Decker. Because the procedures provide for this, I’ll need to convince her to remove the requirement. Mrs. Dunlop helpfully transferred me to Miss Katshow’s extension, which was (not surprisingly) answered by her voice mail. I left a brief message, but as of this writing have not heard back.

My next series of calls were to the court in Elizabeth, New Jersey, (where the name change was done) to find out how to get a copy of the court order. Jim answered with good energy and encouraging enthusiasm. For a fleeting moment, I thought I might actually make some progress. Then Jim transferred me to Alan in the County Clerk’s office.

Alan, who was not brimming with enthusiasm, impatiently explained that since this wasn’t about deeds and mortgages, I needed to speak with another office. He sent me on to Arlene in Civil Assignment. She transferred me to Isabelle, who, Arlene assured me, was just the person who would be able to help. I practiced my best positive thinking mantra while I was on hold. Om-m-m. Om-m-m.

Isabelle provided an address in Trenton where I could send a $25 check for a certified copy of the judgment to change my name. However, since I didn’t know the exact year this happened and since it was at least 25 years ago, she also gave me a phone number for follow up. It was clear that Isabelle knew she was sending me on a fool’s errand.

My next step was to Google the attorney who handled the name change. The bad news was he’s now retired. The good news was that his phone number was listed through some network he’s joined. The bad news was that led to yet another answering machine, so I left yet another message.

By now it was Monday afternoon and I decided to make one more pass through some of the 20 plus file drawers in our house. Perhaps I could find the tax returns from the years before and after I went back to Decker. That would narrow down the time of the court order, making my mail request more likely to be successful.

You’ll be pleased to learn that there is a God, because in the back of some of my old tax returns, I found the court order allowing me to become Elaine Decker again. (Now if I could just become a Virgo again, too, life would be perfect.) I made a copy of the order and sent it certified to Miss Katshow, who still has not returned my phone call.

As of this afternoon, the status of my application still shows that they are waiting for my proof of name change. I’m betting I’ll have to make a trip to the Social Security office to resolve this. I’m retired now, so I have the time for such projects. (The Social Security administration probably counts on this.) I wonder if Miss Katshow likes chocolate…

Retirement Tools - An App for That

Retirement is a time when it makes sense to adopt new technology; it can make our lives so much easier. Fortunately, we have plenty of time to become familiar with new things. Unfortunately, the ETrade baby is more tech savvy than much of the generation that witnessed Woodstock and Watergate. (He even has more hair than many of us.)

Among the newer tools are the apps for smart phones. For those out of touch with the lingo, “app” is short for “application,” not “aptitude,” but you do need some skill to use these. My cell phone is stupid; it’s for emergencies and travel and has a 100 minutes per month limit. I never text; that costs extra. I don’t even know if the phone takes pictures.

Nonetheless, when I hear: “There’s an app for that,” it piques my curiosity. So, for those with phones that are smarter than mine (which would be most, if not all, of you…), I’ve researched some of the newest, coolest, most useful apps for retirees.

The first of these is Apple’s Find My iPhone, which gives you a map showing where your phone is. It’s not clear how a map on the phone you can’t find can help you locate that phone. However, I have it on good authority that variations will be available shortly that will pinpoint your car in a multi-story parking garage and your reading glasses anywhere in your house, including on top of your head. Now those are apps that retirees are waiting for.

Another good app is Word Lens. The original was developed to translate printed material between English and Spanish. You’ll want to get the up ‘til now top secret "big print" version, which is in beta testing. Point your smart phone at any printed info and it will magnify it to the level you’ve specified. This will be especially helpful if you’ve misplaced your reading glasses and don’t have the Find My Glasses app. As your eyesight gets progressively worse, just key in the new magnification and you’re back in business. That’s an app worth getting a smart phone for.

If you’re a retirochondriac (see recent post on that,) you’ll want to get the WebMD app to search your symptoms. Few people know about its companion MedAlert app that tracks down your physician with an emergency page. The app is smart enough to figure out which doctor from your lengthy contact list handles the condition involved. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I’m not even sure who handles what in my healthcare.

The gardeners among you will want the Weed Wacker app. Snap a photo of any emerging greenery (or brownery) and the app will tell you whether to pull it, pluck it, mulch it or fertilize it. The game Trade Nations is described as “best played in short, productive bursts.” Talk about an app made in heaven for retirees. I wish my entire day could be spent in short, productive bursts. Puzzle Agent promises an “engrossing experience” that combines “classic adventure games with thought-provoking puzzles.” I've reached the age where most puzzles are engrossing or thought-provoking. I don’t need an app for that.

Many apps do price comparisons, but I decided to check out Budget Police. With most retirees on fixed budgets, it sounded like a sure winner. You key in your weekly spending allocation and your proposed shopping list. It prioritizes your purchases and tells you where to get them at the best price. If your list goes over budget, it deletes the items it decides you don’t need. I did a test run with Budget Police. It deleted the wine off my list and said I was over quota for the month. You can be sure I won’t be upgrading to a smart phone to get an app that tells me I can’t buy wine.

N.O.V.A.2 is a game app that arms you with futuristic powers, like slowing down time, an invaluable tool for a retiree. I hear that N.O.V.A.3 (due out next year) will enable you to aim your phone at any part of your body and relieve the symptoms of arthritis. N.O.V.A.4 (still under development) will work similarly, but will burn off fat. I’m on the advance purchase list for that one. If it really works, I’d like to join the Artisanal Chocolate of the Month Club. I wonder if there’s an app for that…