Things I post on Facebook are sometimes met with complaints from friends who don’t understand that a lot of my comments are satirical. I usually reply: “Sorry. I forgot to use the satire font.” (Cut me some slack when I say “font” instead of “typeface.”) Facebook doesn’t have a satire font. It has lots of emojis but only one font, a plain sans serif. One mean spirited complaint was a comment on what should have been a non-offensive post. I decided it was time to create some new fonts for Facebook.
For all of them, I used Facebook behavior as my guide. I realized that their app will automatically substitute some of these for you, whether you want them to or not. Others will be under your own control as to whether to leave the default FB font or replace it with one of your own choosing. Once you input your keyword, FB will automatically substitute for you. Of course, the satire font was first on my list.
Here’s an apt definition of “satire” that I found by Googling: “The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” Boy, does that ever describe so many of my FB posts! I’m taking particular note of the word “exaggeration” in this definition. So FB’s new Satire Font can be any serif, 16 point, bold typeface, such as Cambria or Times.
A font that is sometimes confused with satire, or at least motivated by similar feelings, the new angry font should be sans serif and always bolded. When you’re angry, get right to the point, and help your reader get there, too. No getting distracted by squiggly lines at the ends of the letters. Verdana is a great choice for venting.
Are you planning to post on FB but you’re tuckered out? Go for the new tired FB font. Don’t overthink it. Sans serif Arial is easy to find, up near the beginning of the font alphabet. Go with whatever type size is the default in what you’re writing. It will probably be 10 or 12. You’ll want to lie down, so use the italic option.
Having a sad day? Just use whatever font is in front of you as you start typing. Chances are it will be serif if you’re composing on a word processor. If you’re writing on line, it will likely be sans serif. It’s OK to mix them. The sad FB font is flexible if nothing else.
Feeling silly? Comic sans is the perfect choice for this. Most people use it for all the wrong reasons, but silly is what it was intended for. I’m not sure if all platforms provide this option, but I believe that most do. If yours doesn’t, you’re entitled to use angry for this. Or sad. Whatever works.
The last FB substitution font under your own control is for when you’ve been insulted. Like the angry font, insulted is always bolded. However, it’s serif, because you want to take up as much time as possible from those who are reading your rant. It’s also a larger type size, because you want to be sure nothing gets overlooked.
Moving on to automatic substitution fonts, Facebook decides to take control of your posts whenever the spirit moves it. Animal Rescue Substitution Fonts are what you’ll see most often with my new Font Substitution option. Facebook will automatically substitute the faces of animals that need homes or are in danger, for the vowels in any words you type. Here are the substitutions you’ll see initially: A = cat; E = squirrel; I = rabbit; O = dog; U = raccoon. So “face” will read: “f [cat pix] c [squirrel pix]”. More animals for various consonants will likely follow.
The final font substitution that is under Facebook control is “Fake News”. If FB determines that your original post is not true or not correct, it will be changed to the Fake News font, aka Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire. You might see a flame coming out of one of the letters. Or FB might treat all the letters as though they’re on fire. If your system isn’t receptive to Facebook’s artsy attempts, you’ll just see a gray haze surrounding the fake news post.
I realize this is a lot to process in one post. If Facebook seems especially confusing in the future, don’t blame me. Blame my FB friends who didn’t know what “satire” meant.
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