By now you would have heard that Tom Brady had decided to retire, his status as the GOAT football professional firmly in place. For those who don’t know (likely very few of those who follow sports), GOAT stands for Greatest Of All Time. Since I started writing this, Brady has come out of retirement, likely poised to become even greater. Simone Biles is also a GOAT, for women’s gymnastics. She has a goat tattoo on her shoulder. There are other animal acronyms that undoubtedly are not familiar, so I’m going to define them here.
My personal favorite is PIG. It stands for Popular Inspirational Guru. That title is held by my husband, Jagdish Sachdev, owner of SPECTRUM-INDIA on Thayer Street in Providence. He’s so well recognized as the Guru of Thayer Street that a selfie with him often shows up as an item on scavenger hunts.
Another porcine acronym is SOW. That stands for Senior Opportunistic Widow, of which there are quite a few in almost every community. SOWs go on the hunt for recent widowers, especially ones who are financially well-heeled. Advice to any men who have recently lost your spouse: BOLO for SOWs in your circle of acquaintances. They are relentless.
Widowers might be attracted to a LAMB, however, if she’s not also a SOW. A LAMB is the Last And Most Beautiful in her circle of widowed friends who has not yet found a new mate. If she does latch onto a widower, she might become an alternative LAMB, that is: Luckiest And Most Beautiful. As long as she’s not a SOW, either LAMB can make a fine partner for a lonely widower.
Next we have DUCK, a Dude Using Charming Karma. DUCKs exist in all age groups. Just as a SOW will go after a recent widower, a DUCK might go after a recent widow, if she’s been left enough assets by her late husband. BOLO to recent widows, DUCKs can be relentless, too. As far as I know, there’s no male equivalent to the LAMB.
Someone else to watch out for is the SKUNK—a Senior Kahuna Using Noisy Kisses. The SKUNK latches onto you at a neighborhood gathering and plants a noisy, wet kiss on your cheek before you realize what’s happening. In the SKUNK’s mind, if the kiss is noisy enough, he hasn’t stolen it, so you shouldn’t complain. If you expect any SKUNKs at a garden party, keep a packet of tissues handy. Noisy ones are usually wet ones. Also, some SKUNKs use a seemingly innocent ‘hello’ hug to cop a feel. Have a stiff-arm ready when you see a SKUNK coming.
Desirable members of your community earn the acronym CHICKEN. The Charitable Helper In Community Kitchens (for) Elderly Neighbors is someone you’ll want in your contact list. They’ll help out in food pantries, soup kitchens, any place that provides food for older folks of limited means. And please, no jokes about chicken pot pies.
Another welcome older community member is a SHEEP. Those of you who care about our environment will be thrilled to have Senior Humanitarians Ending Environmental Pollution in your group. They’re often on the front lines of recycling efforts. They’re also likely to volunteer to help with park cleanup in the spring.
A truly noble acronym is FISH, First In Social Harmony. FISH are always welcome in social circles. They are the peacemakers in the community. Unlike real fish and the proverbial unwanted guests, they do not start to stink after three days either.
A SNAKE, on the other hand, is to be avoided at all cost. SNAKEs rarely last long in a community, or at least not long as a member in good standing. Be especially wary of SNAKEs if you have a neighborhood pool. Why? A SNAKE is a Sexy Newcomer And Kinky Exhibitionist. That says it all.
Finally, I propose one additional acronym, of which I hope to take ownership. That’s GOOSE. It stands for Greatest Of Our Senior Essayists. If anyone would like to challenge me for that title, go for it! I know at least one PIG who will vote for me.
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