The world needs help communicating
with President Donald Trump. His speaking style has been described as
“discursive.” In layman’s terms that’s “rambling,” but I prefer the synonym “circumlocutory”
because it conjures up images of him wandering a room while he’s speaking. His
listening style is harder to explain.
Trump is generally assumed to have
ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), with the attention span of a
young child. News of Trump’s trip to the Middle East prompted tips being
publicized on how speakers can maximize chances of having him listen to what’s
being said. For example: Keep your message short. Very short. Use Trump’s name
in every paragraph; Trump loves to hear his name mentioned. (I’ve used Trump
five times in this paragraph, assuring it will get read.)
I have another suggestion for how
to handle Trump’s communications style. It’s taken straight from the news,
including an article in the May 22 Time
magazine. In a word: fidgets. Or as Time
calls them, fidget spinners. SNL even did a skit on them.
Yes, fidgets. Those inexpensive
thing-a-ma-jigs that kids are… well, fidgeting with in school these days.
Psychologists claim that the device can help children with ADHD pay attention better
in class. The idea is that kids don’t have to look at them to work them, but
the constant… well, fidgeting (again) with the contraption helps dispel excess
energy, allowing better focus.
Many teachers disagree, but the
jury is still out on this trend. Besides, what does it matter? If there were
real science behind these gadgets, Trump wouldn’t believe it. When the
President is involved, there’s no downside to relying on fake science. Plus,
fidgets don’t require a lot of physical activity. That should be a big selling
point with him.
Dear Lord, what a simple-minded
solution we have available! Here’s some advice for Reince Preibus. Get Trump a
passel of fidgets. Make sure there are plenty of them wherever he’s likely to
wander during the day. Don’t get the plastic ones; they’re too noisy. Get ones with metal ball bearings. Or better yet, the ceramic ones. I hear they’re the best for
spinning. They're faster and quieter and they last longer. But make sure you don’t get ones that are too
big. Keep in mind how small Trump’s hands are.
Picture it: Trump with a pile of
fidgets. Then if the media described Sean Spicer’s press briefings as spin
zones, no one would be able to call them fake news.