Designer Dogs for Retirees

I recently noted that virtually all the canine pets in our condo development are small breeds. I’m not sure why. Our association doesn’t cap the allowable weight of pets, only the number (two). But some communities limit dogs to 30 pounds. On the heels of this finding, I noticed that Time magazine included a feature on designer dogs in its “The Answers Issue.” This confluence of tidbits unleashed the idea for this week’s post.

Since many retirees live where pet weight is regulated, I’ve included a number of smaller creatures in my collection. Read the details of each designer breed to find the perfect one for your needs.

New members of a condo community may want a dog that conveys status. The best choice for a high-end symbol is the LhaChiDa—a blend of Lhasa Apso and Chihuahua, with just a hint of Dalmation in the lineage. The Dal parent harks back several generations, assuring that the LhaChiDa will not get too large and will have only small and occasional (not too) black spots. As Chris Farley aka Matt Foley used to say on Saturday Night Live: “Well, la-dee-frickin-da.”

Speaking of Farley, those who have packed on the pounds since they stopped going to work should consider a Porkie. This Pug—Yorkshire Terrier crossbreed is so chubby that just looking at it will provide incentive for you to exercise daily. A word of caution: the Porkie may want to join you on your daily walks. If it loses too much weight, it will begin to look like a Shar-Pei. Ditto for its owners.

Retirees generally make frequent doctors visits, where they’re likely to spend considerable time in the waiting room. The perfect dog to tuck into your medical tote for company is the Dachsador. This Dachshund—Labrador mix loves going to the doctor’s office. It’s sized like the Dachshund, but it’s as devoted as the Lab. And please don’t send me any jokes about lab tests. Or cat scans.

For older women who have become dependent on weekly appointments at the beautician, we recommend the Pompador. This cross between a Pomeranian and a Labrador has the size and pouf of its smaller mother and the temperament of its larger father. Note that if you cross a male Pomeranian with a female Labrador you get a Labramanian. These dogs are used to search for truffles in certain Balkan countries.

While we’re on the subject of hair, a designer dog for those who are going bald is the TerPei. This Terrier—Shar-Pei mix has been bred to perch comfortably on top of your head when you leave home. Sometimes affectionately called the Terpe, this wonderful little guy will happily drape on top of you like a small rug. Your friends and neighbors will have no idea how thin your own hair has become underneath all his wrinkles.

Retirees are prone to bragging about their grandchildren, often exaggerating their achievements and talents. We have two breeds especially for them. The first is the Malorkie, a Maltese—Yorkshire Terrier blend. This is the choice for grandparents who embellish only slightly about their progeny. The second is the BullShitz, a Bulldog—Shih Tzu crossbreed. This is the go-to option for those who fabricate outright the successes of their grandkids, who of course have zero shortcomings.

If you’ve moved into a community where you’re worried about your neighbors snooping, consider getting a SharpShooTer to guard your homestead. This breed has a pair of designer parents: a Shar Pei/Shih Tzu mix on its mother’s side, and a Poodle/Terrier union on its father’s. It looks like a cute little thing, so it lures snoopers into a false sense of security as they lurk in your bushes. Then the yappy, manic influence of its father emerges, startling the intruder into a frantic retreat.

For retirees who are addicted to catalog shopping, the Speagle will be a valuable companion. This Spaniel—Beagle cross is a true hunting dog. It has a storied history of helping its owners find obscure products by sniffing through hundreds of pages in just minutes. You can generally adopt a Speagle online.

Finally, the perfect designer dog for retirees who have discovered the joys of napping is the Schnoozer. This Schnauzer—Poodle creation is at home lying on any soft horizontal surface. As long as you have room for this mid-sized pet, you’ll have company on your afternoon nap no matter where you decide to take it. If you live in a small condominium, you might want to opt for the sub-breed, the MiniSchnoozer. It’s a cross between a Miniature Schnauzer and a Toy Poodle. And no, it doesn’t take catnaps.

There you have it. Ten designer dogs created especially for retirees. I’m here to serve. (You know you missed me…)

Settling in to the Condo

We’ve been in our condo for just three weeks and I’m already aware of some of the community’s idiosyncrasies. We have rules from the golf club (which we joined as social members) and bylaws from the condo association. There also appear to be unwritten behavioral guidelines that neighbors follow as closely as the written ones.

Let’s start with the golf club. It’s no surprise that they expect folks to wear shoes in the clubhouse. And it’s comforting that they don’t consider flip-flops to be shoes. I’m not sure whether the tank tops that are banned are only the ones that Guidos wear down at the Jersey Shore, or if that also includes the sleeveless knit tops that women wear. Also needing clarification is the ruling that men must tuck their shirttails into their pants. Is a straight hem a shirttail?

This last point is important for us, because my husband spends the summer in those oversized printed shirts that are often described as Hawaiian. They’re meant to be worn outside the pants. My husband has a slight frame, and he likes his summer shirts loose. If he had to tuck them in, he’d look like a mailbag with the cinch string drawn tight. I guarantee that his flapping tails would be far more socially acceptable.

Moving on to the condo bylaws. The community is extremely attractive to drive through. Though there are a limited number of building models and exterior colors, they’re sited in ways that avoid the look of a plan book community. And it’s guaranteed to stay that way, because the bylaws state that you can paint your unit using only an approved exterior color. And using the association’s painters.

That control extends to the inside of your unit, at least with regard to what is visible to the neighbors. Specifically, the window treatments one hangs must be white. Or else they must be lined in white, so that color is what is seen from the street. This gives new meaning to “plain vanilla.” It also describes the ethnicity of the neighbors we’ve seen on the streets thus far.

Speaking of what’s on the streets: there seems to be an unwritten size limitation on the dogs here. Virtually every home has exactly one dog in residence, which pet is dutifully walked on the shared greenery at least twice a day. With a singular exception, we’ve not seen a dog that couldn’t fit in our vintage cat carrier. On the subject of cats, Luke appears to be the only feline in the community, but he hasn’t been out and about much yet. He’s still exploring inside his new home.

Returning to how attractive the place is on a drive through. It should be. They water the lawns every morning, even if it rained overnight. Not surprisingly, that much watering is accompanied by virtually nonstop mowing. An armada of lawn care vehicles can be heard in and around our condo several times a week. And since we overlook the 13^th fairway, we’re also treated to the sound of mowing (and mowing and mowing) down behind our unit every week.

Absent that, the place is unbelievably peaceful and quiet. We often wake to early morning fog on the fairway. As it lifts, it reveals the wooded area opposite our new home. Beyond that is an abandoned railroad right-of-way. The tracks run along the river, and though we can’t see it, its presence contributes to the quietude behind us.

The only other interruption of the exquisite silence is the thunk of golf balls bouncing off our condo siding a few times a week. I even found one on our deck Labor Day weekend. That deck is outside our living room, which has a wall of windows about 16 feet high. I can live with thunking. I just hope I don’t start hearing the sound of breaking glass. I suppose that’s just one of the risks that come with the beauty of golf course living. So far, it’s definitely worth it. Stay tuned.

10 Reasons Paper Newspapers Are Better Than E-Papers

Conventional newspapers are struggling to stay in business. To paraphrase the Ikea ad for its “book book” catalog, readers of “paper papers” are increasingly migrating to e-papers, the electronic versions of the daily press. E-papers may be convenient, but there are certain things that they can never do that the printed versions of newspapers can. Herewith 10 reasons paper papers are better than e-papers.

10. You can’t utilize e-papers to pack kitchen crockery and glasses when you move.
I’ve used and reused more sheets than I can count this summer as we moved from our house to a temporary apartment and then to our condo.

9. You can’t clean windows with e-papers and a spray bottle of ammonia water.
A Household Hints for the Budget Conscious list that’s worth it’s salt will always include this as a cost effective way to clean glass around the house.

8. You can’t cut an e-paper into the same sizes as your prints and tape them to the wall behind your couch so you can plan the layout without making holes.
This tried and true method for perfect picture placement is yet another way that paper papers come in handy when you’re relocating.

7. You can’t use a rolled-up e-paper to discipline a puppy during potty training (and you can’t spread it out where the puppy tends to make its mistakes).
Remember: just a gentle tap on the puppy’s snout. Not his fanny and never a hard hit.

6. You can’t swat horseflies with a rolled-up e-paper.
Yes, it’s tough to swat flies with a rolled up newspaper, but if you’re persistent, you can at least scare them to someone else’s table.

5. You can’t wad up an e-paper and stuff it into the toes of your wet hiking boots to dry them out.
Ditto for your street shoes that got soaked when you tried to jump the puddles in the road and missed.

4. You can’t insulate your long underwear with an e-paper when you’re camping.
And if you’re a senior, you probably wear long underwear all winter, camping or not.

3. You won’t find an e-paper cut into squares and nailed to the wall of a water closet in a one-star pensione in Europe.

In the late ‘60’s, I traveled with my own roll of TP. It was especially useful with the toilets that were just a hole in the ground. Two-star pensiones had porcelain floor plates with footprints molded in, to help you straddle the hole for better aim.

2. You can’t fold an e-paper into a discrete book cover for your copy of 50 Shades of Grey when you’re reading poolside at your club.
For those living under a rock, the movie version is set to release on Valentine’s Day, 2015. Be sure to get your refresher read in before then. Or not.

And the number one reason a paper newspaper is better than an e-paper:

1. You can’t line a litter box with an e-paper.
I pick up the free monthly papers expressly for this purpose. First a wee-wee pad. Then five or six broadsheets. Then four 1-quart saucepans of litter. And no, I don’t cook with the same pan. It’s just for Luke’s needs.

So you see, we’d all be lost without conventional newspapers, but me especially. Please do your civic duty and buy at least one paper paper every week. You’ll have my gratitude. And also Luke’s.

In Search of the Perfect Sunglasses

September may seem an odd time to write about sunglasses, but my friend, Sid, has pointed out that seniors should protect their eyes with sunglasses all year long. Also, in case you didn’t notice, I was on posting hiatus all summer while I was in housing (and Internet) limbo. That’s when one of the morning TV shows ran a feature on sunglasses.

The hosts modeled a variety of designs, from aviators to oversized “glamour” styles. I recognized many of them as looks I’ve worn over the years. Some dated back to the sixties and early seventies and could best be described as retro-hippie. Others were inspired by celebrities who popularized them via publicity shots for a hit movie or in a “selfie” posted on Instagram.

The TV segment made me realize that the needs I have now in sunglasses are vastly different from what I looked for in my earlier years. While I'm attracted to ones that are stylish, I’ve reached the “function vs. form” stage of my life. It’s not important for me to look trendy. What’s essential is that I don’t trip or bump into things when I’m wearing them and that I’m not blinded by the midday sun. There are a few additional requirements that I look for in the perfect sunglasses.

One thing I can’t stand in any type of glasses is rims that block vision clarity. I don’t want to keep looking to the side to see what’s there when it’s actually the frames that are distracting me. Likewise, I don’t want to have to keep tipping my head up or down so the upper edge isn’t smack in the middle of the wine label I’m trying to read. I’m not a bobble-head doll.

A related pet peeve is openings on the sides of sunglasses that let glare in. This means that some amount of wrap-around is in order. But at our age, we’re no Bono. We’re not even Bono-wannabes. Our mantra is “everything in moderation.” Well, everything except wine, that is.

Speaking of age, bifocals are important, even in sunglasses, but they shouldn’t be visibly bi. I want to wear the same pair when I’m reading a book by the pool as I do when I’m driving. If I need two separate pairs, I’m bound to get them mixed up. I’ll be wondering why I have to hold the book so far away to read the print and why I have to lean over the steering wheel to see what’s in front of my car. I’ve done dual-pairs-on-dueling-leashes before and I almost strangled myself more than once. It wasn’t pretty.

Also along the lines of dual functions, the automatic transition from outdoors to indoors would be helpful. We make plenty of trips to the bathroom at our age. A quick changeover from sunlight to a darker room would be a plus, since we won’t always have time to take off our sunglasses before we head to the loo. If you’ve ever sneezed when looking into the sun, you know what I’m talking about.

Moving on to cosmetic issues, the sunglasses must be light enough so they don’t leave a ridge on the bridge of my nose, or skin flaps on its sides. My mother had those marks from wearing her regular glasses all the time. When working indoors, I check my nose in the mirror several times a day. If I see even a hint of a ridge or a flap, I massage in some Nivea and take the glasses off for a spell. I’m not vain enough to carry a mirror around outside, so my sunglasses will have to prevent this problem on their own merit.

Those of us of a certain age need sunglasses of moderate size, regardless of whatever is the current trend. They can’t be too big. We’re not Sophia Loren or Elton John, after all. And they can’t be too small. We’re also not Yoko Ono or Benjamin Franklin. The best way to be sure you’re picking a “moderate” size is to lay out a group of glasses that meet all the other above requirements. Then throw out the largest and the smallest ones. What’s left should be acceptable.

Finally, the perfect sunglasses must be affordably priced without doing one of those “buy-one-get-second-pair-at half-off” deals that usually wind up costing more than twice what buying just one should cost. I’m not looking for something from the dollar store. I just don’t want the cost eating into my wine budget. After all, not even a perfect pair of sunglasses is worth giving up a nice bottle of Chianti Classico.