Retirement Issues — The Retirement 10

You’ve probably heard of “the Freshman 10” — the ten pounds many freshmen gain when they go off to college. Well, I’ve discovered that there’s a “Retirement 10.” In fact, there are quite a few retirement tens.

In the year or so since I retired, I gained 10 pounds. I’m now at my highest weight ever. Directly related to the weight gain, my waist seems to have expanded about 10 inches. OK. Not all the time. But on certain days, after certain meals… I know—TMI.

I doubt the fact that I now need 10 hours of sleep to feel rested, instead of the eight or nine I used to need, is connected to my poundage. I’ve heard reports that not getting enough sleep can lead to increases in weight, but I’ve never heard the opposite.

Some of the other tens I’ve noticed: it takes me 10 minutes longer to do my floor exercises every morning (and it’s the same number of reps), and 10 minutes longer to put on my walking shoes (even when I use the long-handled shoe horn). Adjusting those laces and tying them takes forever. I think that’s because I have a lot more midsection in the way. Velcro is starting to look very appealing.

I’ve counted 10 times as many goat hairs on my chin and 10 times as many liver spots on my face and hands. It also seems that I need to dye my roots about every 10 days, instead of every three or four weeks. My gray shows up so much faster now that I’m retired. I bruise about 10 times as easily, too. That’s probably because I bump into things 10 times as often. I'm 10 pounds wider, after all.

Some things are going in the opposite direction, but are still reflected in tens. I shrank about 1/10 of an inch this past year. I have a feeling this is just the beginning of a downward spiral. My attention span is also shrinking; it’s now down to about 10 minutes. That’s probably on a downward spiral as well.

The scariest ten of all, especially when I think about the stereotype of older women: I feel I would need at least 10 cats to get my daily quota of hugs before they become antsy. Having just two of them leaves me sadly wanting.

Every time I pass the kitten adoption area in Petco, it’s harder and harder to keep walking to the natural litter section. (They put that in the back, so you have to pass all the kitty condos, too.) Then I lift up that 20 pound bag and think: “Eh. Two cats are plenty.”

Magazines for Retirees

A recent news article caught my eye. It reported that a Southern lifestyle magazine once borderline defunct had risen like a phoenix from the ashes. Garden and Gun, touted as “the Soul of the South,” will live to see another harvest and another hunting season.

Gardens and guns seem like an odd pairing, even for the Billy Bobs and Sue Ellens of the world. It occurred to me that there must be a treasure trove of equally oddly-titled magazines in distribution. I set out to find these, especially ones that would be of interest to retirees.

Guns and Bran Muffins offers another unlikely coupling. It provides advice on the best firearms to keep in your bedside table and where to practice using them. Research shows that fear of late-night break-ins is a top concern for retirees and guns help them sleep better. Each issue also has a recipe for a bran muffin, often in combination with fruit. The issue I scanned featured Raisin Bran Kumquat Surprise Muffins. I shudder to imagine the surprise.

Dentures and Woodworking Quarterly is yet another unexpected combo, brought together for retired handymen. If it goes in your mouth or if it can be made out of wood, you’ll find it here. Every issue has at least one project that combines dentures and woodworking. The publishers are either really creative or totally insane. Then again, when you consider the cost of dental work, they may be on to something, by George.

As you might expect, Walker, Texas Rover is a magazine for outdoorsy folks. You’ll find extensive information on Texas hiking trails designed especially to accommodate those who rely on walkers to get around. A particularly popular feature is each month’s first-person account of a walker rove that tested the survival skills of someone over 65 who was eventually rescued by Chuck Norris.

Air Power ceased distribution in 2007, but it’s been replaced by the senior publication, Passing Air Power. This has a strong focus on recipes that use high fiber ingredients. The chart showing the wind velocity generated by various non-gluten grains is surprisingly informative. PAP is also full of ads for scented candles. And Beano. Pick your poison.

Modern Velcro is a Godsend for those with arthritic fingers. Velcro is the miracle tool that most retirees just can’t live without. You’ll discover uses that you couldn’t imagine in your wildest dreams or your most drunken stupor. Just one example: replace those magnetic backings for the pictures and tchotchkes on your refrigerator with Velcro strips. They don’t fall apart and they even work on appliances that aren’t made of metal.

Do-it-yourselfers should find The Arch Support Hobbyist useful when they retire. Experts explain step-by-step methods for producing molds of your own arches using various materials found in most kitchens. Other contributors provide detailed instructions for creating supports from these molds. While some are predictable (Play Doh, Silly Putty), others are downright intriguing (clumping cat litter, cornstarch packing fill). I’m no podiatrist, but Dr. Scholl’s could be in for some serious competition from this uplifting magazine.

The Old Codger’s Bedside Companion is technically a periodical—it’s published annually—but it’s really more of an almanac. It’s filled with complaints and insults that can be hurled at anyone you can think of. The curmudgeonly comments are organized by category. You’ll find just the right way to annoy family members, neighbors, merchants, doctors—even your Facebook buddies. If there’s a category that’s missing, it will probably show up in the next edition. Good luck holding your tongue for a year.

My favorite title for retirees, albeit on a vicarious basis, is Heirloom Grandchildren. Every page is bursting with the pride of having produced something so special that its genetics should be preserved as part of the Millennium Seed Bank Project. The pictures of the grandkids are as luscious as those of heirloom vegetables. Each child is scrubbed and combed and shined to perfection and the photos are accompanied by stories of the progenies’ extraordinary accomplishments. Be still my heart. And pass the tomatoes.

And so you have it. Eight special pleasures you can have delivered right to your door, and none of them needs a brown paper wrapper. Eight glossies that you can curl up with while you enjoy a nice glass of wine.

Keep an eye out for my next edition of “Magazines for Retirees,” in which I’ll review House and Closet (a must-have for those downsizing into retirement), Patio and Lawn Chair (devoted exclusively to life on your patio), and After Dusk/Before Dark (replaces the discontinued After Dark entertainment mag, which was targeted to younger folk). I’m sure you’re looking forward to these as much as I am. Now about that wine…

Retirement Ailments — The Periodic Table

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I recently finished reading Just My Type, a clever book on the history of type and the development of fonts. The inside of the cover has a Periodic Table of Typefaces (H Helvetica, F Futura, Ba Baskerville, for example). It inspired me to create a Periodic Table of Retirement Ailments. As with the Periodic Table of Elements, with its Noble Gasses, Rare Earths, Haloids and such, this table of ailments groups families of items together and color codes them.

Full Table

 Left Side of Table, enlarged

Right Side of Table, enlarged

As you can see in the charts above, we begin with the Ignoble Gasses (H Halitosis, He Heartburn, etc.). Moving on, we have the Precious Mentals (e.g. Bk Bad Karma), followed by the Transition Mentals (F Forgetfulness…) and the Transition Physicals (Sh Shortness of Breath…).

Other familiar groups are the Rare Earthy Pleasures (Br Bragging Addiction and so on), the Digestoids (Bb Belly Bloat…) and the Hairloids (Bh Blue Hair…). The final groups are the Ophthal-Oral Elements (beginning with Ca Cataracts), the Dermal-Otals (Ls Liver Spots…) and the Nasal Passages (Sn Snoring…).

Be sure to also note the subgroups Social Security Complaints (“atomic” numbers 57 – 71) and Medicare Ailments (numbers 89 – 103) and the frequently forgotten Lost Thoughts (Lt, down at number 118).

I hope you find this chart useful in understanding how your retirement ailments relate to one another. A wall-sized version may be available in the future. Or not.

NOTE: If the post does not show this chart large enough to read, I will be doing a second post with the chart in two pieces.

Secret message:  Hippo Birdie Two Meece.

Retirement Peeves — Phrases I’m Tired of Hearing

Now that I’m retired, I see too much daytime television and am home for too many marketing calls. I’ve noticed there are certain phrases I hear over and over. Quite frankly, I’ve had enough of them. I’ve decided to collect them in this post and burn the paper they’re printed on. (Yes, I print these posts, as part of the editing process.) Maybe that will enable me to purge them from my subconscious. Or not.

The absolute favorite phrase I love to hate is: “Don’t hang up!” It’s usually followed by something like: “I have a special offer for [insert captive audience criterion here].” “Medicare recipients” is a popular one. “Homeowners” is a vague generic that's used often.

A variation on the don’t-hang-up is: “Please hold for an important message from your credit card provider. Don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with your account.” I usually catch that last phrase as I return the phone to its stand. I assume the next mouthful would have been an offer of identity theft protection, pitched with: “But you never know when you WILL have a problem.” I am so NOT motivated by scare tactics.

Another near the top of my hate list is the ubiquitous infomercial mantra: “But wait! There’s more!” More indeed. There’s always more. And more, and more. Usually an offer to get two of the wondrous item for the same price as one, plus the extra shipping and handling. S&H is always extra. And exorbitant. If the amount appears at all, it’s in mice type rolling by so fast, you can’t read it. Unlike the toll free number in monster type that’s parked on the bottom of the screen.

Similar to wait-there’s-more is: “But first, these messages.” We hear this on “serious” programming almost as much as on fluff. The more irritating the commercial, the more likely it interrupted something so interesting that you’re guaranteed to stay put so you don’t miss the continuation when the ad ends. You’ll pee in your pants before you cut out on a first-these-messages sandwiched between two parts of a spellbinding story. So cruel, especially at my age.

“Congratulations! You have been selected…” I’ve already hung up before I hear what I’ve “won.” But based on the snail mail I get, I’m sure it’s either a trip somewhere, or a free dinner if I’m willing to sit through a sales pitch on investing for my retirement. I’m not. Newsflash! I’m already in my retirement. And the last trip my husband and I took (not counting for business) was our honeymoon.

These are all phrases from robocalls and TV. There are also many that I hear from friends and family that I’d just as soon not. My favorites among these are: “Do you have a minute?” and “Am I interrupting?” You just know that “a minute” is guaranteed to stretch into an hour. Likewise that even if they are interrupting, it won’t matter. If you dare say: “Yes, you are,” they’ll launch into their saga anyway. Chances are they have a problem that will leave you depressed for days.

Another one I hate to hear coming is: “Stop me if I’ve already told you this…” It means they can’t remember whom they’ve told what lately. I feel their pain. The truth is, even if they have told me, chances are I’m not going to remember anyway. So we do this dance, with me an equal partner, going ‘round and ‘round, telling each other the same stories over and over. That’s what friends are for.

The final two phrases I hate to hear from friends and family (and doctors, accountants and Realtors) are ones that I can’t really blame them for. The first is: “This probably isn’t what you were hoping to hear.” At its worst, this is followed by bad news about one’s health. Fortunately for me, more common is something about my taxes or feedback on our house (when it was on the market). Once I reached retirement, I lowered the bar on what I “hope to hear.” It’s far less stressful.

The other one I dislike, for which I have only myself to blame, is: “Where was the last place you remember having it?” I’m sure that’s familiar to many of you. The reason I hate hearing this, other than the obvious, is that, if I could remember the last place I had the item, I could probably find it myself.

No doubt you have your own phrases you love to hate. Feel free to share them. If I get enough, I’ll do another post on this topic, titled (what else?) “But wait! There’s more!”

Retirement Medicine — Cures in the Pantry

There’s an article going around the Internet titled “A Great Alternative to Taking Medication! 20 Painkillers in Your Kitchen.” Several of these “painkillers” should be familiar to most of you; some are more unusual.

I’ve combed through the list to find ones that should be useful to retirees. I skipped over the treatment for PMS (yoghurt) and endometrial pain (oats). I focused instead on the ones that address my own problems and those of my fellow retirees.

Here’s your shopping list of cures to keep at the ready for ailments that you’re sure to suffer at some point in your retirement:

Ginger (fresh or dried), Cloves, Turmeric, Garlic, Cider Vinegar, Peppermint Oil, Horseradish, Pineapple, Blueberries, and
Mango Ice Cream

Let’s start with something simple and familiar—cloves. We’ve all heard that oil of clove relieves a toothache. I read that if you chew on a teaspoonful of whole cloves, you can reduce gum inflammation. When I was at Colgate-Palmolive, I worked on toothpaste that targeted gingivitis. So, I felt compelled to check out this clove thing. After a half hour chomping on clove stems, all I had to show for my trouble was lacerations on the inside of my mouth.

Another familiar kitchen wonder is garlic. I was surprised to learn that dropping garlic oil into your ear can cure an earache. Anyone familiar with pop culture knows the real reason for the run on garlic at farmers’ markets. It wards off vampires, zombies and other evils. I remember bringing a chunk of garlic with me to The Exorcist, just in case. I’m happy to report that I was no more full of the devil when I left the theater than when I went in. I guess the garlic worked.

A curious prescriptive is the use of cider vinegar to relieve heartburn. I’ve heard of “hair of the dog” to cure a hangover, but something acidic to prevent acid? That seems counter-intuitive. I’m more comfortable with the notion of using pineapple (another pantry must-have) to aid digestion.

My favorite piece of new information is that horseradish helps drain the sinuses, a major chronic health issue. I love horseradish and I hate my clogged sinuses. I’m just masochistic enough to tolerate that nasal zing so I can breathe more easily. It’s no surprise that the research on this came out of Germany, a country known for sucking it up in the name of superiority. One detail I initially overlooked: you’re supposed to ingest the horseradish, not put it up your nose.

The Internet article offers two treatments for muscle pain. It suggests soaking in a tub of warm water with peppermint oil. I can picture this working, but I think rubbing the aching muscle with peppermint ointment would bring quicker relief. For those reading Fifty Shades of Gray, it might serve some other purposes, as well.

The other muscle reliever cited is ginger. No, not Ginger, the “massage therapist.” I’m talking about ginger, the root that we shave and marinate to enjoy with sushi. You can also eat dried or chopped ginger to get pain relief. Though I’ve never had a massage myself, I’ll bet Ginger’s special skills also work wonders.

The final miracle ingredient in your pantry is turmeric. Well, it may not be in your pantry, but there’s plenty of it in ours. Remember, my husband is Indian. Turmeric supposedly works better than your standard OTC analgesics and NSAIDs for chronic joint pain and inflammation, especially arthritis. Add it to just about any dish you are cooking up on the stove.

Fair warning: turmeric will stain most plastic dishes and containers yellow. Also Formica countertops. You can try to neutralize the color by mixing it with crushed blueberries, but that requires a delicate balance of the two. Otherwise, you wind up with blue stains. Turmeric will also stain your skin yellow, so be sure to wash your fingers thoroughly.

My most memorable experience with this spice occurred outside the kitchen, as part of my nephew’s wedding. As his mother’s brother’s wife, I had a special role. With the help of other women, I bathed him in turmeric as a purifying ritual prior to the marriage ceremony. He wore bathing trunks and stood in his bathtub, while I scrubbed him until he was mustard yellow. No word on what the turmeric did for his joints, but he and his wife now have two adorable daughters.

If you’ve been cross referencing your shopping list, you’re probably wondering where the mango ice cream comes in. That was my own idea. No matter what ails me, I’ve always found that ice cream makes it better. I like to keep well-stocked. You should, too.