Retirement Pleasures — Olympics for Retirees

The summer Olympics kicked off this weekend. Not surprisingly, this had me looking into what events exist expressly for retirees’ participation. Many of them will be familiar to you, as they are variations on regular Olympic events. I expect that some of them will catch you off guard. All promise to be compelling spectator sports.

Name That Country

One of the staples of Olympic TV coverage is the parade of nations at the opening ceremony. You’d think the list of countries would be predictable, at least for each season (from one summer games to the next, from one winter to the next). It turns out there are new nations for virtually every Olympics. The Name That Country event challenges retirees to pair each country’s name from the 1950’s or earlier with its name in the current Olympics. If you know what happened to Dahomey, Affars and Issas, and Dutch Guiana, you could be a medalist in Name That Country.

1 Kilometer Tricycle

The 1 kilometer tricyle race has been designed especially for retirees. Riders go two and a half times around the track and field oval. It’s their own job to keep count of how many times they’ve pedaled around. (Good luck with that.) If you can maintain your balance through the curves, you have a good chance of winning this highly-competitive Olympic event. Crash helmets and knee pads are required gear.

100 Meter Shuffle Walk

Similar to race walking, but less physically demanding, the shuffle walk is just what it sounds like. Competitors must shuffle the full distance of the race. The soles of their feet may not leave the ground at any time during the event. Oh, one other thing. Athletes must wear bedroom slippers for the shuffle walk.

25 Meter Doggy Paddle

This is a swimming contest geared to the cardio-vascular limitations of most retirees. The 25 meter doggy paddle prohibits swimmers from using any of the strokes in regular Olympic swimming events. That means no breaststroke, no Australian crawl, no butterfly, no backstroke. Just the tried-and-true doggy paddle. Bow wow.

Gymnastics Barrel Roll

In this gymnastics event, you lie prone and roll diagonally from one corner of the mat to the other. Scoring is based primarily on the quickest time, but you do earn extra points for rolling style. Generally, those shaped most like a barrel have the best success with this event.

Swimwear Attire Challenge

This event is new to the 2012 Olympics for Retirees. It tests the athlete’s ability to get into and out of a wet, full-body racing suit. You know, those sleek, Lycra unitards that leave nothing to the imagination about the wearer’s personal gear. Any woman who has tried to get back into her wet, one-piece suit after using the rest room at the pool can appreciate how demanding this event will be.

Slide ‘N’ Splash

This favorite of aquatics buffs is patterned after the old cannonball diving event. It awards medals to the swimmers who make the biggest splash after coming down the slide into the pool. There is absolutely no credit given for style. However, you do receive extra points for each spectator sitting poolside whom you are able to soak with your splash landing.

Members of the British Commonwealth

This event is similar to the Name That Country one. There are 54 members in the Commonwealth of Nations (formerly known as the British Commonwealth). These are not to be confused with British and Commonwealth protectorates, which in turn are not to be confused with protected states. Or are they? In this rapid-fire nation-claiming event, contestants must lift either a Union Jack flag (if the country is a member of the Commonwealth), a plain yellow flag (former protectorate) or a white one (former protected state). You can also wave the white flag if you give up.

As you can see, there’s a wide range of summer Olympic events for retirees. Check your local listings or cable schedules to see which are being covered on TV. Unfortunately for those of you reading this post from London (including my dear friend the Fly Italian Fox), tickets to all these events were sold out months ago. Not to worry. There’s always four years from now. And who knows what I might unearth for the winter games…

Retirement Pleasures — Summer Reads for Seniors

Summer is well underway, but there are still many weeks left to enjoy vacation reading. I’ve collected the synopses for a handful of interesting, yet obscure books to get you started.

Fifty Shades of Silver

In this erotic adventure, a silver-haired senior struggles to undo the effects of salt water and chlorine.  Follow her trek from one hairdresser to the next in an effort to remove frightening streaks of green and orange. With her budget for beautification nearing depletion, she’s forced to take a part-time waitressing job. Not only is this demeaning, it also cuts into her beach and pool time.

Will she get her silver back and return to the beach to reignite her relationship with the hunky sixty-something lifeguard? Or will some other fox get to him during her absence… Fifty Shades of Silver is a real page-turner, the perfect summer read.

The Hunger Shames

Haymitch is a retiree who leads a double life. By day, he’s a champion of healthy living and sensible eating. No processed sugar crosses his lips. All his produce is organic. All his grains are whole. But as we learn in this exposé, Haymitch leads a shameful double life. After midnight, he slips out his back door to the fast-food court in a 24-hour mall.

The Hunger Shames is not pretty, but we’re compelled to keep reading. Will the crunchy granola fellow-retiree, Katniss, be able to reform his wayward ways? Or will Haymitch corrupt Katniss… You won’t be able to put down this cautionary tale.

Thinking, Not-So-Fast

This is a revisionary look at psychologist and Nobelist Daniel Kahneman’s bestseller, Thinking, Fast and Slow. The original explores two models of decision-making—the quick, instinctive, emotional and subconscious "fast" way; and the deliberative, logical, calculating and conscious "slow" one. Thinking, Not-So-Fast provides a melded alternative that more appropriately reflects the decision-making of retirees.

"Not-so-fast" decision-making is emotional and subconscious, yet it’s also calculating and slower. Most of what a typical retiree does is subconscious, since memories and attention spans are about thirty seconds long. Retirees often plan things down to the minutest details and then make an emotional last-minute decision anyway. Despite (or perhaps because of) the contradictions of this melded model, retirees should find it to be just right. We recommend you read it not-so-fast.

I Feel Bad About My Necking

The recent death of Nora Ephron reignited interest in her books. It also unleashed a rash of spin offs, including I Feel Bad About My Necking. When Peggy Sue’s high school diary surfaces, her entries spread like wildfire through her retirement community. It turns out this mild-mannered senior led quite a different life in her salad days.

In an effort to refurbish her reputation, she makes a public confession of her sins. Yes, she was secretly seeing Bobby and Donnie while she was going steady with Frankie. Yes, those were her footprints on Bobby’s dashboard upside down. Yes, it was her spiked heel that poked a hole in the roof liner of Donnie’s Corvette. And yes, it was her head that hit Frankie’s car horn at 2 am and woke the entire neighborhood. But she was in love with all three duck-tailed young men.

Peggy Sue insists that she regrets her sordid past and would lead a virtuous life if she had a do-over. As if. I Feel Bad About My Necking is guaranteed to have you searching for any journals about your own youthful indiscretions. BTW, shredders are on sale at Staples this month.

Outliers, Inliers and Other Factors for Success

Don’t confuse this book with Malcolm Gladwell’s bestseller, Outliers. Both books investigate factors that lead to success. Gladwell looked at the intersection of behavior and luck in the lives of prominent men. The author of Outliers, Inliers evaluated 100 successful people on specific physical characteristics. He determined that most of them were “outies” (had protruding belly buttons). “Innies” were less likely to stand out.

Both authors uncovered a 10,000 rule. Gladwell postulates that one key to success is practicing for 10,000 hours. If you do a task for 20 hours a week for 10 years, you’ll get really good at it. Retirees, take heart. You can also do it 50 hours a week for 4 years, if you don’t expect to be around for 20 more.

Outliers, Inliers found an inverse 10,000 rule. Those who gained and lost at least 10,000 pounds over their lifetime were less likely to be successful than those who maintained relatively stable weights. This book is filled with fascinating keys to success and well worth the read.

Grab your beach chair, your bottle of sunscreen and one of these books. Summer’s waiting!

Retirement Pleasures — Summer Camp for Seniors

Ah! Summer! The time when many children head off to sleep away camps, providing their parents with a much-needed break from the stress of family life. It turns out camp is no longer just for children. Today’s New York Times had an article on band camp for grownups.

Reporter Daniel Wakin spent a week at the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra Academy, “ a kind of fantasy camp.” Over 100 amateur musicians shelled out close to $2,000 each for the weeklong BSO Academy and the privilege of playing side by side with the professionals. Wakin writes: “We felt their physical pain, self-doubt and, once in a while, supreme confidence.” The pros, in turn, fed off the joy and enthusiasm of the campers. According to one orchestra member: “I just can’t tell you how contagious that is.”

Contagion not withstanding, this got me thinking about summer camp opportunities for seniors. After considerable research, I’ve unearthed a half dozen of these. I’m confident at least one will be the perfect “fantasy camp” for you.

Gardening for Maximum Output

This camp has become popular with seniors who are especially interested in how gardening can reduce their weekly grocery expenditures. Topics covered in this weeklong camp are:

·      Environmentally friendly pest control (covers insect pests and small animals only)

·      Keeping your neighbors from stealing your produce in the dead of night

·      How to effectively pull weeds without needing a prescription-level dose of ibuprofen for your back after you’re done

·      Tips and tricks for making your arthritic knees work for you, not against you

Water Activities Camp

Gitchee Ya Ya is a two-week camp, situated on the shores of a quiet lake in New Hampshire. Because of an increase in water-borne diseases, you’re required to get immunization shots before the camp will accept your deposit. Here’s some of what you’ll learn:

·      Synchronized swimming for the hearing impaired

·      How to angle an oversized-butt into a water slide trough

·      Relaxing through canoeing (not available to those with poor peripheral vision)

·      Using the fat in your midsection as your own flotation device

Olympic Hopeful Training Camp

Spend two weeks getting your body in as competitive shape as is realistic at your age. Former Olympians will be your instructors as you hone your skills. Unfortunately, you do not get to pick your sport. You are guaranteed to lose at least ten pounds, or your fee is refunded (proportionate to the promised weight not lost…) Some sports you might be assigned:

·      Rhythmic gymnastics (those with two left feet will be exempt)

·      Archery (not to worry—arrows have rubber suction tips)

·      Wrestling (on an extra-thick mat or an under-filled water bed)

·      Beach volleyball (as a public service, you will not wear those teeny bathing suits)

Vicarious Grandparents Camp

This novel day camp was conceived especially for seniors who have never experienced the joy of being actual grandparents. Parents drop off their youngsters (ages 1 to 12) at 8 am and pick them up no later than 8 pm. Seniors looking for the grandparenting experience serve as live-in camp counselors. An especially attractive aspect of Camp Granny Gimme is that the seniors are paid to attend. Some of what you’ll be taught:

·      How to tell if they need a diaper change under those wet bathing suits

·      Learning to say “no,” and then to say “no” again, and yet again

·      Ten ways to get toddlers to burn off their energy while you sit in a rocker

·      Effective negotiating with pre-teens who speak a totally different language

Arthritic Fingers Pottery Studio

If you’ve always wanted to throw a pot (on a potter’s wheel—not at your spouse), this is the camp for you. Spend just one weekend at Harriet’s Pottery for Gnarled Fingers and master the basics of kiln-fired treasures. Items you’ll make during your stay:

·      Generously sized cereal bowls, perfect for fiber-rich oatmeal

·      Two-handled mugs; if you set them down wrong, no need to turn them around

·      Attractive urns to hold the cremains of your beloved pets

Theatrical Creativity Camp

If the acting bug has been nibbling at you, bite back. This weeklong studio prepares you for roles in regional theater productions. For those who love the smell of greasepaint, but are too timid to face the roar of the crowd, backstage training is also available. Choose from:

·      Performing on stage (bit parts on daytime TV dramas provided unless shows are canceled)

·      Superhero costume design (learn to use ballpoint needles on spandex)

·      Set decoration (ladders involved; not for those with poor balance)

·      Hair and makeup (learn to use extensions and to hide tattoos and body piercings)

So many fabulous camps! So little time! What are you waiting for? Sign up today.

Retirement Health Care — Insurance Screening Guide

The Supreme Court decision that the Affordable Care Act is constitutional has folks scrambling to figure out what that means for them. The concern for many is: Do I have to get coverage now if I want to avoid being penalized? Relax. I’ve put together a simple questionnaire that will help you know what you need to do.

Health Care Insurance Screening Guide

1.     Are you age 65 or over?
If YES, no problem! Medicare is for you, now and forever. Well, maybe not forever, if the Republicans get control of Congress.
If NO, keep going.

2.     Did you have four or more ailments that required medical attention in the past three years? (Do not include ingrown toenails, wicked bad breath or chronic post nasal drip in your count.)
If YES, good luck finding coverage before the 2014 changes take effect. But if you’re still alive then, your medical life will get a lot easier. (Unless the Republicans repeal Obamacare.)
If NO, keep going.

3.     Are you a devoted adherent of a religion that doesn’t allow you to have medical insurance? (This is the “religious conscience” exemption.)
If YES, go to question 4.
If NO, go to question 5.

4.     Have you ever taken an aspirin or used peroxide (on a cut—not to bleach your mustache)? OR: did you join this religious group the week after the Supreme Court decision?
If YES to any of these: Liar, Liar, pants on fire! You’re not so devoted and you probably have no conscience. Go to question 5.
If NO, you’re exempt from getting health care insurance on religious grounds.

5.     Are you a member of an Indian tribe? (Note to my in-laws: that’s Native American, not South Asian. You’re in the same boat I am.)
If YES, you’re exempt from getting health insurance. But you’d better plan to get your medical care at your local casino. Be sure to call ahead to see if the shaman is in. Also, at some point in the future, you may be required to live on the reservation to claim this exemption. You might want to put a deposit on a nice teepee while the real estate market is still soft.
If NO, keep going.

6.     Do you spend more money on vet bills and pet medications than you spend on your own health care?
If YES, I feel your pain. You’re exempt from getting your own health insurance on humanitarian grounds. But I strongly recommend that you get health care insurance for your pets, instead.
If NO, keep going.

7.     Do you have such puny annual income that you’re exempt from filing tax returns? OR: Would your coverage cost more than 8% of your household income? (The Department of HHS defines certain other hardships; contact them for details. I’m not that anal retentive to look into this.)
If YES to either of these, you can take small comfort in the fact that you’re exempt from getting health care insurance. I’d feel sorry for you, but I may be joining you, if the real estate and stock markets don’t recover soon.
If NO, keep going.

8.     Are you in jail?
If YES, our benevolent government is already providing your health care. Surprisingly, you're exempt from having to buy duplicate coverage.
If NO, keep going.

9.     Would you rather go to jail than buy your own health care insurance?
If YES, contact a Conservative talk show host or your local Republican lawmaker. Many of them share your opinion and can probably provide suggestions on ways to make this happen.
If NO, keep going.

10. Are you an undocumented alien?
If YES, go to question 11.
If NO, go to question 12.

11. Are you foolish enough to admit to this rather than biting the bullet and paying for health care insurance?
If YES, you're exempt from buying insurance. Have a nice trip back to your homeland.
If NO, keep going.

12. CONGRATULATIONS! You have completed this health care insurance screening guide.
The bad news is: you’ll have to get insurance coverage or be subject to the Individual Mandate Penalty. For most folks, that will be $95 in 2014.
The sort of good news: there are supposed to be State health care Exchanges to control insurance costs.
Even better news: In all likelihood, by the time all of this is sorted out, you’ll be eligible for Medicare. Fingers crossed that it still exists then.