Retirement Sparks

Thursday, August 28, 2025

Summer Swan Song

Prime Time August, 2025 Retirement Sparks

Summer Swan Song

As we roll around the corner into and out of August, it signals that the summer’s swan song is here. If we didn’t know this from the calendar, we’d know it from the vacation plans of our families and neighbors. We’d also know it from the end of summer sales, especially on beachwear and sunglasses. Be sure to pick up more than one pair of sunglasses. You most certainly will either lose a pair or sit on them and they’ll break in two. If you’re particularly clumsy or forgetful, get three or more pairs once the sales begin.

Summer footwear on sale is another sign of a summer swan song. Sandals are generally quite forgiving when it comes to finding the right size. Many sandals have several straps that allow them to be adjusted in more than one direction. Grab a spare pair so that you’ll be ready for next year’s sandal season. Your feet aren’t likely to change size in 12 months. Thongs are generally quite forgiving when it comes to fit, too. Let’s not forget the cheapest and easiest to find summer footwear of all: flip flops. Their best feature, of course, is that if they come off in the water, they’ll float to the surface eventually.

Those who’ve rented beach cottages for the entire summer will feel like they haven’t gotten their money’s worth. Up to now, as each weekend approached, they gave serious consideration to attending a concert in the city because they had a lot of beach time still ahead of them. When summer starts its swan song, they’re more likely to opt for one last weekend at the beach house.

Single men and women of dating age will spend time trying to find someone in their social circle who has a sailboat with room for one more person willing to crew for an afternoon on the ocean. Absent that, these folks will be looking to hitch a ride on a speedboat (sometimes called a cigarette boat). Anything that will give them one last weekend out on the bounding main (aka the open ocean). “I feel the need, the need for speed!” is a familiar phrase that describes this urge especially at the end of summer.

I mentioned concerts in the city. We don’t have much control over the summer’s schedule. We should attend whatever concerts we can find that will be located conveniently to our homes. The summer concert season is a short one; take advantage of it while you’re still young enough to appreciate it. You’d be surprised how quickly your knees get too creaky for you to safely climb bleachers. Be sure to pack an insulated tote with drinks (non-alcoholic) and some snacks that won’t make you thirsty. Fruit is the best option. This type of tote is great to take on sailing and speedboat trips, too.

Those who have no interest in boats of any type will generally look at summer’s swan song as a time to catch up on intellectual pursuits. Many of them will have a stack of books that they planned to read. They’ll be in a pile on their porch, next to an inviting, comfortable chair, maybe even a rocker. An alternative could be the movie section of the local newspaper. The films that had piqued curiosity at the beginning of summer will either be highlighted in yellow or circled in red pen. A calendar should be kept nearby in order to plan what day to see which film, but just skip the reviews.

One summer swan song activity that anyone can participate in is dining out. I don’t mean simply leaving your house to go eat dinner. I mean finding restaurants that have outdoor seating. I’ve uncovered several in my own neighborhood or nearby that are very enjoyable for lunch or dinner, weather permitting. Once you’ve discovered one of these, it’s a good idea to grab a menu to take home. That way when you go out the next time, you can decide in advance what some of your food options might be.

The swan song is the perfect time to catch up on all the summer activities you’ve been planning but haven’t quite gotten around to. No excuses; just do them. They’ll provide great memories all winter long. And you can wear your flip flops in your shower.

Elaine M. Decker’s books include Retirement Downsizing—A Humorous Guide, Retirement Sparks, Retirement Sparks Again, Retirement Sparks Redux and CANCER: A Coping Guide. Her essays appear in the anthologies: 80 Things To Do When You Turn 80 and 70 Things To Do When You Turn 70. All are available on Amazon.com. Contact her at: emdecker@ix.netcom.com

Friday, July 11, 2025

Clever Put Downs for Braggarts

July Retirement Sparks

Certain put downs are great to use against those who are known to be braggarts. Two of my favorites show up regularly on TV. One is appropriate for putting a man in his place. The other is good for insulting a woman. I’ve been on the lookout for more memorable ones, but to no avail. So I’ve made up some of my own for this post. Usually I like to save the best for last, but in the case I’m starting with the ones you’ve probably already seen. They’re far better than my own.

Tell a man he’s all hat and no cattle and you’ve really put him in his place. You’ve no doubt seen these wanna-be ranchers with cowboy hats the size of Texas. Many of them don’t have any cattle on their land, if they even have any land.

Roger Moore landed a well-placed insult on a snooty woman in a Hallmark movie by telling her she was all fur coat and no knickers. I just love that one! And you know it had to come from a Brit!

That’s the end of the ones I found on line. The rest are ones I made up.

Picking up on the hat and cattle theme, tell a man he’s all Dan Post boots but no saddle. Dan Post boots have been described as “the most comfortable experience in western footwear.” Or you can upgrade your insult slightly by saying he’s got a tooled leather saddle but no horse. In the same Western vein, say he wears a fringed suede jacket over cotton boxer shorts. Now there’s a put down worth filing away.

You can insult older women by telling them they have a hand-carved Mahjong board but no tiles. Or tell a younger ballerina wannabe she’s all tutu and no ballet shoes. A woman of any age is likely to brag about her recently acquired diamond engagement ring, telling everyone it’s 4 carats. Research indicates that 2.5 carats is the usual maximum to be had at retail these days. Then there’s the fact several years later that the woman is all engagement ring and no wedding band. That makes a good insult.

Following on that theme, a bragging woman of any age will gladly show off her Orbit baby stroller as she pushes it around the neighborhood. But she never seems to have a baby in it. Telling her she’s all buggy and no bambino is a perfect put down. That’s even better than all fur coat and no knickers. Or all hat and no cattle. When she finally does have a baby, you can be quite certain that the little one will be clad in brands like Burberry and Hanna Andersson. Or at least that’s what the mother will claim.

One brag that is often well hidden is the Keurig K-Supreme coffee maker that has no pods in the owner’s home. She spent the entire budget on the machine and had nothing left to buy supplies. So when people visit they see the fancy machine but are never offered a cup of coffee. Tell the host she’s an empty pot with nothing brewing.

Men of any age who golf will gladly watch their automatic golf cart wheel itself around the course, even if they don’t own a single golf club and have to rent them. All golf cart and no clubs makes a great put down.

You can insult men and women of any age if they wear a Rolex band on a Timex watch. This type of a braggart always wears the face of the watch on the inside of his wrist where folks almost never see it. So they assume the watch is also a Rolex and not just the band.

Women who want to seem young and funky may prance around in baby doll PJs. They may be bragging about their youthful figures or how much energy they have. No matter what, they are certain to grab attention and very likely some put downs, too. Call them granny doll pajamas for the ultimate insult.

Finally, some artistic and buff folks have their upper bodies tattooed with full sleeves and more. I‘m not really sure how to turn this into a put down. Perhaps tell them you love the fit of their spandex top and wish you could pull it off with your body. Or compliment their choice of ink and tats if you think they’ll get the satire.

Life Hacks for Senior Women

June Retirement Sparks

The older I get, the more I appreciate the hacks that make my daily life easier. I’ve started collecting them in one place so that I can share some of them with you. The ones you’ll see here will be especially helpful for senior women. Most of them come from my personal experience.

My balance continues to deteriorate. Sometimes I use a walker, even at home. A shopping cart serves a similar purpose when I go to the store for groceries, which I still do. A lot of my peers have their food delivered. I like to cruise the aisles and especially the produce sections to see what catches my eye and also to see what items are new or on special.

I’ve found that the safest way for me to walk without an aid is to waddle from side to side. I call it my “wobble waddle.” I feel safer and more in control when I walk this way. It’s the walk I use at night when I make one of my frequent trips to the bathroom in the wee hours. My waddle helps me prevent making a piddle puddle on the way to the john.

Some of these hacks are ones you should become familiar with even before you actually need them. No one gave me a heads up on this and now I struggle with some of them. In particular, I’m referring to my toenails. I assumed that as long as I could still reach my toes, their nails would not be a problem. I was wrong. Even though my house shoes aren’t confining, my toenails seem to be becoming ingrown. I struggle to trim them and often rely on filing their edges instead. I need to find a local podiatrist, but that’s just one more thing on my medical to-do list. I wish I’d taken care of this much sooner.

Another personal care routine that’s become more difficult as I’ve aged is plucking the goat hairs on my chin. My fingers aren’t as dexterous as they used to be and my eyesight has become weaker. I have difficulty seeing those little white hairs. I’ve thought of a great solution but have yet to implement it. It’s based on the book club concept that’s popular among women these days. Simply collect a group of women who agree to help one another pluck their goat hairs as they grow. You could call the club “Grandmother Pluckers!” In the meantime, I’ve been using a small, battery-powered shaving wand that I found in the local drug store in the “As seen on TV section.”

I watch a lot of Hallmark romantic comedies. I’ve noticed that the female leads often wear silk blouses or tunics, usually with jeans. They all wear them in a specific way. The front of the top is tucked neatly into the waistband. But the back is left out completely. It’s an interesting look and I’ve recently learned there is actually a name for it. It’s called a “French tuck.” Leave it to the French to come up with something this stylish and sensible. The back of your blouse almost always comes untucked anyhow. Why not just start out with it that way?

Let’s face it. A lot of good things come from the French, especially if we’re talking style. When it comes to hair, we have the French twist and French braids. These aren’t easy to do on your own, so best to find a hair styling partner. You can’t dress French without a beret. But to be truly French, you need a striped top, called a "marinière." You might as well throw in a red scarf for good measure. You can’t find a much easier hack than that. Even senior women can pull that look off!

Random Musings

May Retirement Sparks

Some of you may remember the sketch Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey on Saturday Night Live. That spoof inspired my column for this month: Random Musings. I’ve reached the age when I lie awake at night musing about all sorts of random topics. I’ve collected some of them for this essay, randomly, of course.

The other evening I was struggling to decide if it’s a kerfuffle or a kerfluffle. My bedtime brain doesn’t have spellcheck, so I didn’t know that Word would underline kerfluffle in red. I can see that now, but I’ve already moved on to other musings.

I’m aware that the animal known as the ship of the desert is the camel, but isn’t that usually depicted with one hump? That would make it a dromedary. The ship needs two humps to be called a camel. This of course means that the cigarette brand of that name actually has a dromedary on the package. You probably knew this already.

Moving right along… is the Hokey Pokey really “what it’s all about”? And if so, why? And can’t words really hurt as much as sticks and stones?

Who decided there would only be two choices in winter hand coverings—mittens and five-finger gloves? Why isn’t there an option with three channels—thumb, index and middle finger together, and the two smallest fingers together? Or thumb, index finger, and the last three fingers together?

Why do we assume that the first one to smell it did it?

I wonder if the estates of the four female leads in The Golden Girls get residuals for all those reruns on the Hallmark channel. I’ve watched some of them multiple times. The show is on just about every day, even more often than Murder She Wrote, and that series has just one female lead who would be entitled to residuals.

I’m only half way through this and you should already be able to see how truly random my musings are. And this is even without a glass of wine.

Eggs are sold by the dozen. Golf balls are sold that way, too. Muffin tins have twelve compartments. So why do we rate things on a scale of one to ten? What’s worse, sometimes one is the best rating and sometimes ten is. Bo Derek was a 10 in the movie of that name. Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Competition is always the number 1 dog. It’s all so confusing.

We hear a lot about AI now. It usually means Artificial Intelligence. With all my aches and pains, it’s more likely to mean the generics Acetaminophen and Ibuprofen for me. And my chronic cough means CVS texts me automatic refill notices for my Albuterol Inhaler. Artificial Intelligence will have to wait a long time before that’s what I think of first when I hear AI.

I lost all my hair after my chemo treatments last spring. It grew back in white and straight and after a few weeks, I looked like Yahya Sinwar, the late Hamas leader who was in the news at that time. As my hair grew in more, I thought I looked like a human cotton swab. Now my hair has grown a lot and it’s curly. (It used to be straight.) My current look is very Harpo Marx. I’ll get it trimmed back to cotton swab length soon.

My husband and I never had children, but we each have siblings, so we live vicariously through our nieces and nephews. People talk about grandparents and great grandparents all the time, but we seldom hear about grandaunts or great grandaunts. Grandaunt will show up if you search the term, but almost no one uses it. I found this explanation helpful. “Grand” indicates one generation away; “great” is added to indicate generations beyond “grand.” Most of my nieces and nephews keep things simple and just call me “Aunt E.”

I don’t understand the reasoning behind the kerfuffle over football’s “Tush Push.” I have to do a tush push every time I put on a pair of French cut underpants. And a major push trying to get in and out of leotards. They should call that activity the “thigh pry.”

I’m pretty much randomed out. I hope you’ve enjoyed musing along with me.

Forget About Your BMI

April 2025 Retirement Sparks

We’re used to hearing the medical community talk about our BMI (Body Mass Index) as a way to determine if we’re obese. The BMI uses body fat to measure body mass, which has long been the standard way to decide if someone is obese. A BMI of 40 or over gets you labeled clinically obese; 25-40 makes you pre-clinical. Good news! You can now forget about your BMI. There are other things to worry about regarding whether you are unhealthy. Weight, measurements and ratios are just some of them. This could get complicated, so you should probably take notes.

Medical journals report that if a woman’s waist is more than 34.6 inches or a man’s is at least 40 inches, they most likely have too much fat. Other measures used are waist-to-hip ratios and waist-to-height ratios. The latest articles on this subject tell us that many medical professionals now recommend tracking adiposity, or the accumulation of body fat, along with height, weight, blood pressure and other key metrics as a more accurate way of capturing health than BMI. Track adiposity? I can barely pronounce it, much less know exactly what it means. Doctor Leana Wen wrote an article on this in March 2025.

Even if you have a lower BMI, many doctors suggest getting a body composition scan like a DEXA (dual X-ray absorptiometry). The Lancet Diabetes & Endocrinology journal once recommended focusing on 18 medical conditions caused by obesity such as the usual pains and poorly functioning organs. At my age I have enough lists to keep track of without adding a list of medical conditions that I should be keeping track of. I certainly can’t be expected to remember what a DEXA is unless I write it down in my day planner. And what am I supposed to do with this scan once I have it?

I have a simpler way for you to decide if you’re too fat. But first, some back story. In 2011 I blogged about a report that fat is good sometimes. The study was conducted by a team of mostly Canadian scientists and used the more comprehensive Edmonton Obesity Staging System (EOSS) which was published in the journal Applied Physiology, Nutrition and Metabolism. It showed that under certain conditions, people who are obese are actually less likely to die of cardiovascular causes than skinny folks.

To qualify for the study, the chubby folks had to have been less obsessed with losing weight than the lean folks. That is, they would have tried less often throughout their lives to lose weight. The pleasingly plump also had to have no serious “physical, psychological or physiological impairments.” (I’d love to know how that was judged in 2011.)

Apparently, being content with ones body, even if it was carrying a few more pounds than ideal, meant that these subjects were likely to have a healthy lifestyle. That translated into being physically active and eating healthy food. (And I’d definitely like to know how those criteria were decided on.)

The EOSS classified but the report did not itemize five stages of obesity. I’ve developed my own system to determine obesity levels. First you need to answer these questions. The more questions you say ‘yes’ to, the higher the stage you’re in.

· Did everyone pinch your cheeks when you were a baby?

· Is there any part of you that doesn’t shake when you walk?

· Do your friends ask you if you forget your Spanx, or if that’s a seriously out of control muffin top?

· Does your muffin top have love handles?

· Do your love handles have muffin tops?

· When you’re taking group photos, do you look for someone even fatter than you are to sit next to? (Especially useful at class reunions.)

If you answered ‘yes’ to at least three of these, you should move on to my acid test for the highest stage of obesity. Or, you can go straight to this test without even answering the questions.

You fill a bathtub to the brim with water and plop your body into it. If the water that overflows takes more rolls of paper towels to mop it up than you got on sale at Costco last month, you’re probably clinically obese.

My acid test is much easier than trying to understand all the medical jargon and tests. You can thank me after you’ve finished mopping up.

Thursday, March 6, 2025

Save the Penny--Again

Here we go again. Periodically we hear proposals to get rid of the penny. There was a major effort in 2014 and I wrote about it then. President Trump has now officially ordered the U.S. mint to stop producing the penny and I’ve decided to revisit the issue to remind us of the potential consequences.

The first thought that comes to my mind is still: “Where would that leave penny loafers?” I suppose they’d have to become dime loafers; a nickel wouldn’t fit in the slot. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I saw someone wearing penny loafers, with or without coins, so I don’t see this as a major impediment to discontinuing the penny.

The plans to jettison the penny generally propose rounding sales up or down to the nearest nickel (a so-called ‘rounding tax’ since so many prices end in 99 cents). Some economists are advocating that the government stop minting the nickel, too. If we also drop the nickel, we’ll need to round up or down to the nearest dime. It costs 14.5 cents to make a nickel; a penny costs 3.7 cents, which is twice what it costs to make a dime.

Canada discontinued minting its penny in 2012. Their penny is still accepted as legal tender up there, but I suspect that there aren’t a lot of Canadian pennies still in circulation. If you’re paying with cash, purchases are rounded to the nearest nickel. U.S. banks won’t accept the Canadian penny. Based on recent tariff discussions, I doubt the U.S. government will take any comfort in how successful Canada has been in getting rid of their penny.

Another use for the penny that came to my attention recently was using it to measure the tread on your tires. Insert a penny upside down between two of the treads. If any part of Lincoln’s head is covered, your tires are still good. If all of his head is visible, the tread is dangerously worn and you should replace your tires. You my want to keep a few pennies stashed away somewhere just for this purpose once they’ve disappeared from circulation.

Even once we stop minting the penny, the U.S. will continue to lose money minting its other coins. Maybe we should become a changeless society. There are some suggestions to that end floating around, as well as some that we should become cashless altogether and just use plastic or some type of chip mechanism. If that happens, you can be sure there will be plenty for me to write about.

If the potential financial costs to consumers aren’t enough disincentive for these proposals (pun intended), here are some emotional ones to consider if we remove ‘penny’ from our collective conscience.

Getting rid of the penny would be the death knell for the penny ante. Not to get too maudlin, but I still have the tin full of pennies that my late mother used when she played poker with her lady friends. My mother died in 1995 and the last member of her card group died in 2012 at age 103. Their penny tin lives on, as full as it was after their last game.

The title (and lyrics) of the Beatles’ song Penny Lane would have to be changed. Somehow Two-Bit Alley just doesn’t have the same ring to it. And if the nickel also gets discontinued, we won’t be able to press that into service to replace “Fifth.” Saks Nickel Avenue sounds sketchy anyway.

The expression: “I’m like a bad penny; I keep turning up” would lose its meaning. There would be no good pennies, and pennies in general would no longer keep turning up. I’m not sure how we’d replace this. “I’m like a discontinued penny; I keep rounding up” comes to mind (but quickly moves on).

Continuing with expressions consider: “For what it’s worth, that’s my two cents.” Turns out your two cents has actually been worth four cents, but what would it be worth now? Would you be “dropping a dime”?

How about your Penny Valentine? If you sent her roses on February 14, would she become your Dime A Dozen Valentine? Whatever you called her and whatever you sent her, what used to cost a pretty penny would now cost an arm and a leg.

It’s all just too sad to contemplate. Tissue, anyone?

Saturday, March 1, 2025

February—The Month of Love

February's blog post is only one day late. Much better than I did with January!

Ah, February! The month of great loves! With no disrespect to my husband of 34-plus years, I’ve been thinking about the loves of my earlier life. That in turn had me thinking about famous couples. What really started this was the recent death of President Jimmy Carter. He lived to 100 and had a 77-year marriage with his late wife Rosalynn. He first laid eyes on her when she was a newborn and three-year-old Jimmy peeked over her crib. His mother had helped to deliver her.

Carter was inspiring both because of his longevity and his marriage. Either one would be worth writing about. Without a long life, it would be difficult to celebrate a very long marriage. But some historical love affairs continue to be remembered because of their greatness, regardless of how long they endured. The earliest couple that comes to my mind is Antony and Cleopatra, made memorable in the 1963 film starring Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. The tumultuous Burton—Taylor affair that ensued (including being twice married to each other) is one of the great love matches of all time.

Several other acting couples had love affairs or marriages that we still remember decades later. The most famous is probably Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. Both had other marriages and affairs, yet we always think of Bogie and Bacall when we think of great loves. The lyrics of Key Largo play a role in keeping those names paired in our memories.

We had it all
Just like Bogie and Bacall,
Starring in our own late, late show
Sailing away to Key Largo.

A more conventional love and marriage of actors worth celebrating is that of Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. They were married for 50 years when Paul died in 2008. Joanne was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease the year before Paul died. At last report, she was in hospice care.

We can’t very well talk about Butch Cassidy without mentioning the Sundance Kid. Newman’s costar in that movie also had a long marriage. He and his first wife Lola were together for 28 years. Regrettably, they divorced in 1985. He married again in 2009 and appears to still be with his second wife.

Some others in long marriages, unusual for actors, are Denzel and Pauletta Washington, who’ve been married for nearly 40 years. They met on the set of a TV movie in 1977 and started dating a year later. Denzel said Pauletta turned down his marriage proposal twice before accepting it. They married in the ‘80s.

Another long-term acting couple are Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. They met in 1981 on the set of a TV comedy and their paths crossed again in 1985 while filming a movie. By 1988 Hanks and Wilson were married, and they've been together ever since. That’s 36 years!

One long lasting love that can’t easily be categorized is that of Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham. They met in 1986 and have been together since then. Winfrey has talked about why they haven't married even after she accepted Stedman’s proposal. “I wanted to know he felt I was worthy of being his missus, but I didn't want the sacrifices, the compromises, the day-in-day-out commitment required to make a marriage work." For a relationship to last 38 years even without “a ring on it” clearly meant compromises and commitment, though perhaps not day-in-day-out.

Politics can also support great loves. Barack and Michelle Obama, President and First Lady of the United States from 2009 to 2017, met when they were both working at a law firm in Chicago. They married in 1992. The Obamas often speak about their marriage of 32 years, including how their relationship continues to flourish now outside of the White House.

The music entertainment field is not normally conducive to long relationships, what with touring and hangers-on. Country music's most iconic couple, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, have put the lie to that. They’ve been together for more than 28 years. They met for the first time in 1994, married in 1996, and have since had three children. Garth Brooks and Tricia Yearwood are another long-married country music couple, though not as long as Tim and Faith. Garth and Tricia have been together since 2005.

You can no doubt think of other couples that can celebrate great loves. They’re all around us. Perhaps you’re in one yourself. If so, congratulations! If not, it’s never too late to begin one and February is the perfect month to do it!

Banned Words and Phrases 2025

This is a very belated posting of my 2025 list.

It’s time for the banned words and phrases for 2025. The popular list from Lake Superior State University is out. For the first time in years, there are no overlaps between our annual lists. So here comes mine.

Word Salad

Word Salad is one of my favorite entries this year. We hear it in the media all the time. A true word salad makes no sense to anyone, including the speaker. We take it to mean that he has spewed out a verbal potpourri. Maybe he thinks we won’t pay attention to something simple and direct, but we’re not likely to digest a word salad either. Best to just scrape it down the garbage disposal.

Bingo Card

Bingo Card is my other favorite entry. I may be the only one who has it on a 2025 banned list. My entry was inspired by its use by a lot of media personalities, especially during the election. The most common usage? When contenders perform beyond expectations, the speaker says, “I didn’t have THAT on my Bingo Card!” It also works when couples like Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck announce they’re getting a divorce.

Pale Pastels

As in previous years, some entries have political connections. Pale Pastels is one of these. This appears on my banned list because Ron DeSantis used it to insult Nikki Haley in the Republican primary. Haley was wearing a pale suit. Unless the intent is to insult, just say “tint.” That’s all a pale pastel really is.

Nasty

Staying in the political arena, I’m banning Trump’s favorite word for women who disagree with him. He should bring a thesaurus when he moves back into the Oval Office because he won’t be allowed to use “nasty” any longer. This ban will probably get me labeled nasty. I can live with that.

Some People Say

Another favorite Trump phrase that we’ll likely hear more of is “some people say” (or “people are saying”). This is how Trump makes outrageous claims. He simply tells us he’s quoting some unspecified other person. As with “nasty,” I’m banning this phrase. Some people will say that makes me doubly nasty.

Misinformation

“Some people say” is a good lead in to the next entry: misinformation (or disinformation). It was submitted by my friend Wendy and it accurately describes a lot of what is presented as what people have said (usually without attribution). Broadcasting misinformation is a bad habit of politicians on both sides of the aisle.

Coconut Tree

This entry began with Kamala Harris (or more precisely, her mother). Kamala and her sister did not fall out of a coconut tree, but the graphic image had legs. It’s sprouting up all over. It was fun when it started, but enough already. I’m banning it unless it’s part of a botany course.

My last three entries are examples of popular aphorisms.

Hope Springs Eternal

I should probably consider Hope Springs Eternal to be a political entry. I found myself saying it a lot during the presidential election when nothing seemed certain about the outcomes. But I think the phrase during a lot of non-political situations, too. Maybe if I ban it this year, I can purge my brain of the notion of hope except when it relates to health, where hope always springs eternal.

An Idea Whose Time Has Come

This phrase makes me cringe. It reminds me of an event I attended decades ago for company executives. I’d had too much to drink and started describing my latest systems project to the CEO. I was developing the support systems for his “pet” venture. Most of us knew it was doomed, but I told him—you guessed it—it was an idea whose time had come. I’d forgotten about this until the phrase became the tag line in a commercial for The Farmer's Dog fresh dog food. It’s a long way from a Fortune 500 CEO’s “pet” venture to fresh dog food.

God Willing

This aphorism is the last banned phrase for 2025. God willing has so many reasons to be banned. The corollary of “God willing” is that God wasn’t willing. Let’s not lay the blame on God for everything that’s gone wrong. A substantial percentage of folks either call their guiding entity something other than “God” or don’t believe in a higher power at all. Then there’s my former roommate from Kentucky who used to say “God willing and the cricks don’t rise.” Cricks or no cricks, let’s ban “God willing” altogether.

This completes our 2025 banned words and phrases list. Keep in mind that it’s never too soon to start collecting ideas for 2026!

Saturday, December 14, 2024

Christmas Trees Over the Years

A decade ago I wrote an essay about un-trimming my Christmas tree. Back then I had a live tree and themed party where my guests actually did trim the tree. There was a Teddy Bears’ Christmas trim, a Scented one, a Cozy Slippers trim and many more. My chance to appreciate the ornaments was when I took the tree down each year. It was always a time to renew acquaintances with old friends—both ornamental and human.

I now have three artificial trees, so I don’t hear that telltale “Plink! Plink!” when the needles start dropping, letting me know it’s time to take them down. That sound used to herald an evening of cherished memories. I no longer have holiday parties, so I can put the trees up in early November and take them down in late February. That timetable makes a lot of sense when you consider it takes me two weeks to do all that trimming on my own and at least that long to take the trees down.

You may wonder how I went from one live tree with themed parties to three fake ones and a solitary job of decorating them each year. It’s the inevitable result of retiring and growing old. Once I stopped working, my circle of guests diminished significantly. In an effort to get my husband to slow down, I moved us to a condo-type community about two hours from his store in Providence. At the same time, we reached an age where we simply couldn’t handle the weight of a live tree. Sadly, I switched to an artificial one.

That explains half of the transition. But how did I wind up with three trees? That happened in two steps. The first artificial tree was seven feet tall. That seemed to be a good size, but it was dwarfed by the high ceilings in our new living room. The next year, I succumbed to the Balsam Hill commercials on Hallmark’s Rom Com channels. Their nine feet tall tree is perfect. The seven feet tall one was relocated to our enclosed porch.

By now you’re probably wondering: “What about that third tree?” And: “How do I decide what ornaments to put on which tree?” The answers to both questions are intertwined and they afford me the opportunity to explain my decorating themes.

The third tree goes in our family room. It belongs to our cats, with animals and items a cat would like to see. There are cat ballerinas, angels and fairies and even hobo cats. There are white mice, many in red felt outfits, a fluffy-tailed squirrel and some birds. More unexpected are the tiny knitted socks and mittens and the miniature funky sweaters. Our cats are very senior now, so we don’t worry about them trashing things. They like to curl up under the trees on the quilted skirts that cover the stands. If the ornaments get disturbed, it’s usually by accident.

What will you see on the large living room tree? That has a lot of hand made crafts, especially blown glass balls, as well as stained glass and pottery stars and hand-etched gourds. But its real claim to fame is all the funky animals. A diligent guest will find several zebras, ostriches, and a flamingo. There’s also lots of elephants, giraffes and a frog or two. I’m sure I’m forgetting some other exotic animals. Several are playing saxophones, by the way.

The tree on the enclosed porch is the stateliest. It’s decorated with white china and metallic ornaments, as well as clear glass and crystal ones. A Coalport china bell and lantern were gifts from my former significant other. He’s no longer with us, but his memory lives on in those two ornaments. I have nine silver snowflakes that my father gave me from the Metropolitan Museum, one for every year from 1976 thru 1984. They ended the Christmas after he died. When I touch those snowflakes, it’s as though I’m still touching a small piece of him, too.

As I put each ornament on one of the trees, I think of the person or place it came from. Those memories trigger others, often having nothing to do with Christmas. Not all are happy ones, but all are treasured. When I take the ornaments off the trees and carefully wrap each in tissue, I get to savor them a second time. I miss having my friends help trim the trees, but I’m grateful for all the time I now spend with my Christmas treasures and my many years of wonderful memories.

On Being Bald

November blog delayed

On Being Bald

At the same time that COVID first broke out, I was diagnosed with lung cancer. I joined a trial with Yale Medical that included chemotherapy. I didn’t lose my hair and the cancer seemed under control (though not gone) for a few years. I’ve been having regular tests to watch the tumor. Several months ago we discovered the cancer had spread outside my lung. I received additional but different chemotherapy and this time I went bald.

It was not my first rodeo. I had breast cancer 34 years ago and I lost my hair then. My wedding photos (second marriage) show my dark hair was growing in like Sinead O’Connor’s. My hair has started growing back in again now, but this time it’s age-appropriate white. With several weeks of growth behind me, my look is more Yahya Sinwar than Sinead. I don’t plan to dye it and I’m still wearing snood hats, so it will be awhile before I know what reaction Yahya will get from friends and family.

I got a wig when I lost my hair to chemo in my forties. I hated wearing it and except when I was at work, I often wore scarves from my copious collection instead. I’m retired now and I usually just go around bald at home; I wear the hats when I go out. They’re quite stylish. I bought them from Headcovers.com in several colors with and without embellishments. I got a knit cap that I wear in bed at night to keep my head warm.

I learned that there are quite a few reasons why it’s good to be bald. You save a lot on shampoo, conditioner and other hair care products—dye, in my case. You also save time washing it and styling it. I used to brush mine 100 strokes every morning even when I kept it short. When I had longer hair, my mother was always nagging me to get it cut or wear it differently. There’s only one option when you’re bald. I also need just one towel when I shower and it takes no time to dry my head.

When I had long hair, my toes were forever getting tangled in stray hair that had collected on the bathroom rug. And sometimes in bed at night, it was difficult to tell where my head ended and the cat’s fur began. That’s never a problem when I’m bald.

I’m not sure how long I‘ll let my hair grow eventually. I have what is called a widow’s peak and even with that feature, longer hair was always dragging in my eyes. So I might keep it really short. I’ve seen magazine ads of white-haired older women with very short hair. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to pull that off, but I might give it a try.

There’s room for an exotic tattoo. That’s probably something only younger folks would be interested in and it will be covered over when the hair grows back. People of all ages will be glad to be done with dandruff flakes. I always loved long, dangly earrings, but they didn’t hang right with my short neck. Once I lost my hair, this was not an issue. Baldness also helps you tell if your ears are off-center, but there’s nothing you can do about that.

If you’re stressed about going bald, consider some famous bald figures in history and entertainment. We had Gandhi, Churchill, Yul Brynner and Kojak. More recently we have Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel. And Patrick Stewart, Stanley Tucci and James Carville. All the bald women who turn up on searches have shaved heads; I don’t think they should count. I earned my bald head with chemo; shaving it seems like cheating.

Being bald has been a different experience this round, but I won’t complain. I spend most of my time at home and we don’t have many visitors. I could probably wear my Little Orphan Annie wig and no one would notice, especially because it’s grayish, not red. Once my hair grows back, I’m willing to loan out my headgear. If you’d like to add your name to a list of borrowers, let me know. Those on chemo will have priority.

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