As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to appreciate afternoon naps. These often include one or two cats snoozing on top of me, making me reluctant to get up. I keep my phone nearby so I can take calls without disturbing the cats. On one of these calls recently, I felt guilty admitting that I was stretched out on the couch instead of doing something productive. My friend assured me there was no reason to feel that way. I said, “You know, you’re right. And that gives me an idea for a blog post.”
In case you’re not aware, I have stage 4 lung cancer and have been in a clinical study for over a year. I take two pills daily and get infusion treatments every three weeks. For the most part, I’m doing just fine, but I get tired and short of breath quite easily. Those afternoon naps are a welcome part of my day. I’ve decided to cut myself some slack and give myself permission to enjoy them.
My couch time has cut into several hobbies and projects that I could have been working on. I used to feel guilty that I wasn’t practicing my saxophone for the community band that I’m in. Despite my lung cancer, I can still play. Because of COVID fears, I haven’t been attending practices anyway, so procrastination comes easily for that to-do.
I have several writing projects that have been on the back burner for years. Mostly I do my writing on my desktop computer, which is upstairs in my loft area. I can easily talk myself out of climbing those steps. I’ve stopped beating myself over the head on that one, too. If I weren’t so lazy about taking walks, my energy level would no doubt improve and my weight would likely go down. Avoiding a walk used to be a major guilt trip. Not anymore, although the nicer weather is motivating me to go out more.
Then there’s the storage bins of yarn for making baby booties for new grandparents among my neighbors and acquaintances. I prefer to have a few pairs ready for when I learn about a new arrival. I crochet them in funky colors, but they’re still oriented to boy or girl babies, which means having several pairs on hand. My stockpile is almost out, especially for boys. Fortunately, there are no deliveries pending as far as I know. Other delayed distaff projects include piles of mending, both mine and my husband’s.
It dawned on me that over time our interests and our priorities can change. So I don’t feel guilty about ignoring any of these anymore. Instead, I'm often stretched out on the family room couch with two cats on top of me and Hallmark channel on TV (often a mystery, but sometimes a RomCom). And probably something I've already seen. Which is a good thing, because I often wind up napping through the ending.
Simply put, I’ve decided to cut myself some slack. I realize that at my age and with my health issues, I’m entitled to whatever down time I decide I need. Or want. It can be therapeutic, but it doesn’t have to be. I encourage all of you to try this.
You may be thinking: “Oh, I’m not that old.” Or: “I’m not sick.” You don’t need to be old or sick to benefit from doing what will make you happy rather than what you feel obligated to do. I was emailing with a friend recently while stretched out on our new couch. She’s much younger than I am. She and her sister had been at a movie where no one else was masked and a lot of folks were coughing. The two of them decided the environment was too risky, so they just walked out and went shopping instead.
I see this as another example of cutting yourself some slack, doing what you want to in the moment, rather than being concerned with what you "should" be doing, whatever the reason. Not worrying about what others might think about you, living in a “no judgment” zone is liberating. It doesn’t take much practice, but a comfortable couch is helpful to the process. And you don’t even need cats lying on top of you to enjoy it.
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