Recently I came across a phrase in an opinion column that sent me to Google to understand it. It was something like “Jones for Internet.” To me, Jones had always been someone’s surname. Or someone middle class folks tried to keep up with. Turns out, today “Jones” is a craving for something, or an addiction, especially heroin. In the opinion piece, it seemed to be about notoriety.
Bad enough we had to get used to common nouns that are now baby’s names, like Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s girl), Blue Ivy (Beyoncé and Jay Z’s bundle of joy), and Fuschia, (Sting’s color-competitive daughter with Frances Tomelty). Now we have to keep updated on “normal” people’s names that have completely different meanings. As long as we’re subjected to this name muddle, I’ve put together a list of woke baby names (and corresponding nicknames) for parents who are Jones on politics.
Filibuster Nicknames Filly if it’s a girl; Buster if it’s a boy
This term has always stirred up controversy, so it’s a terrific choice for parents who want to annoy those in their political circle who hold views contrary to their own. The boy’s nickname is especially appropriate.
Cancel Culture Nickname Ceci (pronounced see-see)
A timely name for 2021, and another choice that will stir up controversy if that’s what floats the parents’ boat. The nickname will help the child make friends at school, especially with those who are Latinx. They’ll assume you’re always agreeing with them.
Gerry Mandering Nickname G-Man
This is one of my favorite woke names. It’s a great unisex name. It has the benefit of allowing a girl to go by just Gerry, if she doesn’t warm to being called a G-man.
Budget Reconciliation Nickname Budgie Ree
Another timely name for 2021, guaranteed to be a favorite of Democrats who have given up trying to get bipartisan support. Which brings us to the next entry.
Bipartisan Nickname Bippa (pronounced like Pippa, Kate Middleton’s sister)
Another favorite of Democrats, especially those who feel Biden is being dissed by Mitch McConnell. Parents who choose this name should definitely not use Bi as a nickname. Sexual orientation is too complicated already these days.
Infrastructure Nickname Inf (kind of like Alf, the alien)
This name should have a long shelf life. Infrastructure projects take years to complete. And they don’t begin until a bill has been passed (and signed) to provide their funding. Enough said.
De-escalation Nickname Decal
De-escalation has come into its own in 2021 because of all the police involved shooting deaths. Get some decals made for bumper stickers and rear windshields to remind everyone how important it is to de-escalate.
Hegemony Nickname Heggy
This choice should be favored by far right advocates of white male supremacy. It’s much subtler than naming your kid Nazi and more pleasant sounding than Boogaloo. It will generate less conflict, since most folks won’t know what hegemony means anyway.
Stare Decisis Nickname Steady
Those who are obsessed with Supreme Court cases and concerned about the rightward tilt of the current bench should like this name. It suggests having a steady hand on the tiller, following legal precedents for issues decided in the past.
Finally, here are two suggestions for sets of twins, a more and more common occurrence, especially for older couples using in vitro fertilization.
Ear-Mark and Pork-Barrel Nicknames Emmy and Pibble
These names are inspired by the budget appropriations process. Items get added to a bill that have nothing to do with the budget’s primary purpose. They’re allowed in because earmarks bring the pork back home for the legislators who otherwise would refuse to vote in favor of the bill. The nicknames are especially appropriate. Legislators are often deserving of Emmy awards for their oratory. They’ve also been known to behave like pit bulls to get what they want. If only they were as cute as Pibbles…
Disen and Franchise Nicknames Dizzy and Frankie
These two come into play in 2021 because of all the statewide changes to voter registration rules. Republicans insist these will make voting safer and reduce fraud. Democrats claim all these changes are simply ways to disenfranchise voters of color. Frankly (Frankie), the back and forth on this is leaving many of us Dizzy.
No doubt many of you have already thought of more woke names to add to this list. I have ten alternates that I didn’t use. I decided this list would provide more than enough choices for woke parents. I assumed that adding more would just put the rest of us to sleep. Maybe that wouldn’t have been so bad after all.
Copyright 2021 Business Theatre Unlimited
