Marriage: It’s About Love, Not Velcro

The Supreme Court has just issued its ruling on marriage equality, upholding the right of same-sex couples to marry in any state in the United States. Even as this becomes the law of the land, religious conservatives are trying to find ways to thwart same-sex marriages in their own state. This seems like a good time to reprise my essay from April 2013, when Rhode Island, where I then lived, was still debating the issue.

Conservative voices insist that marriage can only be between a man and a woman because the Church (or the Bible) says so. It seems to me that they’re confusing the sacrament of marriage with the sanctity of marriage. A religious institution has the right to reserve its sacrament for heterosexual couples, but not every marriage takes place in a church or a temple.

My husband and I were married by a judge in a non-denominational chapel at Brown University. The Hinduism and Catholicism of our youth didn’t interfere with our ability to become husband and wife in Rhode Island. The judge didn’t confer a sacrament upon us, but he officially affirmed the sanctity of our love.

It’s unlikely the conservatives who are arguing against same-sex marriage would claim that our marriage isn’t legitimate. The Catholic Church might feel that way and probably wouldn’t have ministered their sacrament to us. But overall, even the holiest rollers would agree that we are husband and wife.

Many of those who are against same-sex marriage claim that civil unions should be good enough for these couples. They decry efforts to “redefine” the term “marriage.” Actually, forcing gay couples to have unions instead of marriages will ultimately muddy the terminology far more than recognizing their right to be married will. Reserving “marriage” for the exclusive use of heterosexual couples will only serve to take the concept of love out of the relationship.

What should same-sex couples call their mates in a civil union? “Unionites”? That sounds so political, so Norma Rae. “Partners” isn’t much better; it sounds like a business arrangement. Like the very concept of a civil union—and in stark contrast to the concept of marriage, both terms fail to convey the emotion that’s the basis for the relationship.

If we acknowledge that all these relationships are based on love, then the singular fact that distinguishes a committed couple labeled one way from a couple labeled another seems to be either anatomy or perhaps religion.

But we’ve already covered the fact that a man and a woman can marry without religious involvement. So, it gets down to anatomy. Which means the conservative definition of “marriage” no longer has anything to do with love, or even anything spiritual; it’s just about body parts. It’s not logical to claim that this protects the concept.

I think conservatives who are against same-sex marriage are mistaking Velcro for love. It’s really quite easy to straighten out this misperception. Velcro is the stuff where one side needs to have hooks and the other needs loops if it’s going to work. Love has no such hooks-and-loops requirement.

Lasting love is a matter of the heart, not the anatomy. The more the heart is at the center of love and the less the hooks and loops are, the more likely the connection will survive the stresses of today’s life. And the more love is allowed to be at the center of marriage, instead of Velcro, the stronger the concept of marriage will be.

As Justice Kennedy’s words made clear in the Supreme Court ruling, it’s also about dignity. When people recognize this, #LoveWins.

Discovering the Jacuzzi Tub

We’ve been in our condo for nine months. I’m a shower person, but this week I finally tried out the Jacuzzi tub. I was motivated by the fact that it was time for the “bathing suit” shave (aka Gyn exam shave). I’m sure you women readers are nodding in understanding. Men, just use your imagination.

I’ve previously shaved in the regular tub in our guest bathroom, but that was for basic (to-the-knee) cleanups. That tub has some drawbacks. Chief among them: the lighting isn’t great and the stopper doesn’t work properly. I have a rubber disk that covers the drain and looks a bit like a diaphragm. I use it when I travel to “affordable” hotels, so it’s in my dopp kit in our first floor master bath. The guest facilities are on our second floor and I’m not about to streak downstairs when I’m naked and shave-ready.

To give you an idea of what an ordeal this seasonal ritual is, I’m sharing an experience I had when I was category manager for first aid at Colgate Palmolive around 1986. I met with the inventor of the Nautilus exercise machines about a vaguely defined business opportunity. Mr. Nautilus (Arthur Jones) had me flown from Miami to his R&D facility (and crocodile preserve) in his corporate jet. As I walked to the building, I passed a glassed-in enclosure that held a very large gorilla. A sign identified him as Mickey.

I won’t bore you with the details of the business discussion. After it was over, we were served a healthy lunch, at which at least a dozen folks were gathered at a long table, with Jones at the head, of course. I was on his left, two or three seats down. He made a non sequitur suggestion that I should mate with Mickey, because the offspring would be very strong and smart. Clearly, he wanted to embarrass and emasculate me. I should probably mention that back then, when I was around 40, I was still hot and fly.

I absorbed the insult for perhaps three seconds and laughed. Then I responded. “Oh, that would never work. I’m half Italian. The hairy jokes are bad enough without mating me with a gorilla. Our kids wouldn’t have a prayer.” Everyone at the table went into hysterics and Jones gave me a wide berth from then on. Needless to say, the business venture never came to fruition. His 2007 New York Times obit says he had 6 wives. Wikipedia cites his motto: "younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles."

But I digress. Back to the subject at hand. I’ve discovered that the Jacuzzi has awesome benefits, even without using the jets. No, I haven’t tried those yet. Small steps (and stop smirking…) For one thing, because that tub is square, I can stretch my legs fully if I sit on the diagonal. If you can’t do that, just wait. If you’re my age, you’re probably shrinking an inch or two a year.

The lighting is so much better there, too, because that corner is not enclosed or curtained. When I put on my glasses, I can see every wayward hair. The lenses don’t fog up the way they do in our stall shower. When I do a basic shave there, it’s by feel, which usually results in random tufts left behind. Not attractive.

The Jacuzzi stopper works perfectly and the controls are conveniently within reach since I’m sitting on an angle. The only downside was that the bottom of the tub, which is wide in all directions, was like a skating rink when I finished my toilette. It took me about five minutes to figure out how to get out of it. I had to get on my knees by the faucets and grab onto the spigot so I could rise slowly into a crouch. This afforded me a close look at my newly-shaven legs, and I decided it was well worth the struggle.

I’m seriously considering buying some bath salts, bringing in a few scented candles from my husband’s store, and taking a nice, long soak once in awhile. I might even reconnect the central AV system so I can pipe in some relaxing music. You’ll notice that I haven’t mentioned figuring out how to turn on the water jets. Let me remind you: small steps.